News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • May 28, 2016, 03:25:47 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Having to defend my plans  (Read 3496 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

SamiHami

  • Member
  • Posts: 4116
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
Re: Having to defend my plans
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2016, 01:52:03 PM »
"Oh, cousin Jeremy had to work all the way through college? Poor guy. I am so lucky that I don't have to do that this time around."

"Wow, Mom. I thought you would be happy for me. I'm sorry that my good fortune is a problem for you."

"Mom, why are you making an issue of this? We aren't struggling and we aren't asking you for any money. We are really happy about this so I don't understand why you can't just be happy for me."

"Wow, Mom. I wasn't looking for your approval; I was just telling you what's going on in my life. Why do you think it's okay to judge a decision that DH and I made? We are happy and it doesn't affect you."

Whatever you do, don't jade. It doesn't matter what your reasons are. Put it back on her. Why would her initial reaction be negative, instead of excited for you? Actually, you could ask her that very question.

"I was just sharing my good news with you. DH and I are excited and happy about it. Why is your immediate reaction so negative? That's really disappointing; I thought you would be happy that I am doing something that I want."

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

bopper

  • Member
  • Posts: 13657
Re: Having to defend my plans
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2016, 04:10:24 PM »
I would think "What is her motivation to say this?"

Is it:
1) Genuine Concern for your financial well being?  "Don't worry, mom, we have the finances worked out."
2) Crab Bucket Syndrome?  You know, if you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to climb out and the others pull it back...AKA "if I can't have it, neither can you.  "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."
3) Personality Disorder? "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."
4) ANything?   "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."

I would also start telling her less about your life if you don't think it is #1.



EllenS

  • Member
  • Posts: 4105
  • I write whimsical vintage mysteries.
    • My Author Page:
Re: Having to defend my plans
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2016, 10:29:09 PM »
I would think "What is her motivation to say this?"

Is it:
1) Genuine Concern for your financial well being?  "Don't worry, mom, we have the finances worked out."
2) Crab Bucket Syndrome?  You know, if you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to climb out and the others pull it back...AKA "if I can't have it, neither can you.  "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."
3) Personality Disorder? "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."
4) ANything?   "Don't worry, mom, we have it worked out."

I would also start telling her less about your life if you don't think it is #1.

Pod. If you have an otherwise warm relationship, you could say, "Hey, mom, it's not like this harms you in any way, and it certainly doesn't harm me, so what's really going on here? Why does it even matter to you how I do this?"

Best case scenario, you might get some honest insight into your mom's feelings - like maybe she is worried about her own security. Worst case scenario, she won't have a reason, and it might get her to back off.

I wouldn't go there if you have a habitually scrappy dynamic, though. It could sound needlessly confrontational.

Arila

  • Member
  • Posts: 1264
Re: Having to defend my plans
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2016, 12:24:40 PM »
I agree with any variation of "Mom, this is our decision, we've made it together and that's how it is going to be."


I might also enlist your husband to chime in at the right moment. For example, if this comes up at a family dinner and usually you might answer, that response coming from your husband would maybe lend weight to the idea. (I find that my mom sometimes has this idea that my husband needs protection from her against me. Him declining any such thing gets better results than most anything I can say). He can say, "Actually, Marilyn, Nuit is going back to school full time with my full and complete support. That is our decision to make."

Both of you should say things in a confident tone which closes the subject.