problem with grandma (long)

[Ko-Ko]

Last year, my parents went on vacation for one week during the school year. They are fine with me staying by myself usually, but as they were going to be gone several days, they wanted someone to stay with me at night, just to make sure I was still alive.

They decided that my grandma, who lived ten minutes away, would stay with me at night. Right away I realized that nothing good would come of this. My grandma has certain ideas about things. For example, she was horrified when she learned that I had slept over at a male friend's house. It was an emergency, and his parents and brothers were there the whole time. Nevertheless, she freaked out.

Despite the fact that she only had to come to stay at night, I feared that she would come early. I had a club meeting after school, but I lied and told her I would be home at six, when I would really be home at about four thirty, hoping I would have about an hour to myself before she came. My friend ended up inviting me to her house for dinner. I called my grandma, who was at my house (at 2:30!) and she made some PA comments. When I got home at about seven, she made more PA comments about how I finally decided to come see my poor old grandma, and how she had been sitting there for hours with nothing to do because the sound on the TV wouldn't work. She had forgotten to turn on the sub woofer, and she could have asked me about it when I called her.

The next day, I had to go to a carwash fundraiser. Naturally, I was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. She said my clothing was innappropriate, and tried to make me change! She also stated how she didn't like that another friend was coming to pick me up (it wasn't even my friend who was driving, it was her mother). Well, that is my grandmother's own fault as she refused to drive me anywhere, even though her car was right there. When my friend and her mother came to pick me up, she followed me out to the car, and began grilling my friend's mother about the importance of safe driving and wearing seatbelts! After I got back, she yelled at me because one of the senior boys in my club gave me a ride home. "Anything could have happened," she said. "Especially with you in an outfit like that!"

When my parents got home, she complained that I had not spent any time with her. I spent plenty of time with her! What she was refering to was how she was offended by the TV show I was watching, so I went to watch it on the other TV.

Now that you know all this, I need help with something. My parents are going away again, and none of us are comfortable with me staying alone. I will try to stay with a friend, but in case my grandmother comes to stay with me, how should I deal with her politely? Also, when she makes rules for me, like the one about no boys, am I obligated to listen to her because she is technically in charge, or can I ignore her rules because they are not my parents rules. Hopefully, my friends will be feeling both generous and desperate for company in a few weeks. Thanks for reading.

Ko-Ko

[hobish]

Hi Ko-Ko,

OT: Koko is one of my best friend's nicknames, too. Her initials are K.O.

OK, from what i recall you are 17, right? 17 is a bit older than 16, maybe your parents would let you stay by yourself. After all, in a year you will be legally to do danged near anything you want. If your parents are anything like mine, though, they probably say that it isn't that they don't trust you, they'll just worry less & sleep better if they know someone is coming around to check on you. So ... can you talk to them about how your grandmother tries to impose rules that are not their own? If they're the least bit understanding maybe you could suggest that a trustworthy friend stay with you (if you can't stay with a friend). That one's a bit dicey because they'll probably think that you'd get each other into trouble instead of out of it.

When my parents got home, she complained that I had not spent any time with her. I spent plenty of time with her! What she was refering to was how she was offended by the TV show I was watching, so I went to watch it on the other TV.

What was your parents reaction to that? It may make a difference.

When i was younger, about 15 i think, my parents had our grandmother stay with me and my younger brother & sister while they went on vacation. After hearing some of the strange rules she put on us while they were gone (((topping them off with trying to give me a sex talk because something on the movie Footloose offended her. It doesn't sound so horrible, but you don't know my grandmother. She has some very very strange ideas))) they said never again would she be left with us. After that we stayed by ourselves with the next door neighbors, who are close friends, available to keep an eye out or if we had an emergency.

Maybe the neighbor option is one that could work for you, as well?

Hope this helps a bit.

[Ko-Ko]

Thanks for your response. I'll probably have to stay with a friend, because I actually agree with my parents about me staying home. I'm afraid of the dark, so I could me myself standing against the wall armed with a baseball bat jumping at every little noise. But I'd rather stay alone than deal with grandma and her rules.

On the funnier side, she tried to watch a DVD while I was at the car wash. She told me that it had not worked. When my parents got home, my father tried to watch the movie, but couldn't find it. He later found it in the VCR. She owns a vcr, and knows what videos look like. WHo knows what she was thinking. 

Ko-Ko

[hobish]

  i am the same way about staying alone in the house & i'm 33!

Last year the bf went away for the weekend. Usually it would be no big because one of our best friends lived right downstairs; but he went, too. I spent the weekend with a friend rather than stay in that big old building by myself. I like time alone & all, but i wouldn't have slept a wink.

[Gileswench]

If you find yourself in a situation where your grandmother will be staying with you again, perhaps you could ask for a meeting between you, your parents, and your grandmother beforehand so you can all discuss what the rules are going to be. At seventeen you're old enough to be treated almost as an adult, and your grandmother is doing everyone a favor, and your parents are still legally the ones in charge. IOW everyone involved has a right to some input. Also, if you're part of the meeting and act with dignity, it may help grandma see you as the responsible adult you're on the verge of being.

Best of luck finding a friend to stay with instead, though. If the situation can be avoided, so much the better. If it can't, I think open communication between all affected parties is the key to making it livable.

[Rose2Bear]

While I sort of sympathize with your grandma in that it seems she wanted to take this as an opportunity to spend time with you, I can definetly understand your fruseration about her overly strict rules.

It's good that you decided you would rather stay with a friend next time. Don't forget to get a small hostess gift for the parent's if they are feeding you and putting you up for several nights in a row.

But maybe you might want to consider setting aside some time each month to visit your grandma, it sounds like deep down she just wants to make sure you are OK and spend time with you

[Tabris]

I will try to stay with a friend, but in case my grandmother comes to stay with me, how should I deal with her politely? Also, when she makes rules for me, like the one about no boys, am I obligated to listen to her because she is technically in charge, or can I ignore her rules because they are not my parents rules.

I'm talking as a parent here, and I'm assuming this visit is going to be for **ONE** night.

Can't you put up with anything for one night? I'm totally serious here. Not just that you should deal with her politely, but you should work out in advance what's going to happen and then go along with her rules. We're only talking about 24 hours here, and if it keeps the peace, it's probably worth it.

What rules are we talking about? It seems to me that she:
1) wanted you home when you weren't there.
- Well, do as you did before. Tell her when you'll be home and you won't be available before then.
2) wanted you to watch a different movie with her.
- Watch the stupid movie. It's two hours of your life. Presumably you already had the DVD of the other movie, so it's not like you weren't going to see it again.
3) Wanted you to wear different clothes.
- Unless the clothes are necessary for a specific thing (and yours were, no doubt, sincce no one washes cars in an evening gown and heels) dress in something she'd find appropriate. Turtle neck, baggy jeans, whatever. Pretend you're playing dress-up. If she's your mother's mother, then wear your mom's clothes for the day so you're absolutely unassailable. ("You think I look like a hooker in this? But it's mom's sweatshirt!")
4) Wanted you to wear a seat belt
- "Yes, Grandma, you know I'll be safe."
5) Was upset that a boy drove you home.
- "But I'm here safely and nothing happened to me. I was so glad that Fred took the time out from his studies to drive me here. Did you know he's going to Harvard? I guess that's what happens when you're a straight A student and spend your spare time working at the Sick Puppies And Abandoned Sweet Little Kids Home."

My mother always told me, you can put up with anything for 24 hours.

The other option, which I think would be cool, is that YOU go to Grandma's for the overnight, which will keep her out of your house, insure you set the start and stop times, give her less to complain about, make sure her DVDs get into the DVD player, and give you a quick exit whenever you need to "run home to get something."

Good luck.

[Ko-Ko]

I will try to stay with a friend, but in case my grandmother comes to stay with me, how should I deal with her politely? Also, when she makes rules for me, like the one about no boys, am I obligated to listen to her because she is technically in charge, or can I ignore her rules because they are not my parents rules.

I'm talking as a parent here, and I'm assuming this visit is going to be for **ONE** night.

Well the problem is, it's more like four nights. One night I can take, but after night two, I'm ready to saw my own leg off. I'm not even sure how that would help, but that's the kind of crazy thing I come up with after being with her that long.


What rules are we talking about? It seems to me that she:
1) wanted you home when you weren't there.
- Well, do as you did before. Tell her when you'll be home and you won't be available before then.
2) wanted you to watch a different movie with her.
- Watch the stupid movie. It's two hours of your life. Presumably you already had the DVD of the other movie, so
it's not like you weren't going to see it again.

That wasn't really what happened. I was watching a show that she found offensive, and she told me to shut it off. So I did, and went to watch it somewhere away from her. She didn't have other suggestions.

3) Wanted you to wear different clothes.
- Unless the clothes are necessary for a specific thing (and yours were, no doubt, sincce no one washes cars in an evening gown and heels) dress in something she'd find appropriate. Turtle neck, baggy jeans, whatever. Pretend you're playing dress-up. If she's your mother's mother, then wear your mom's clothes for the day so you're absolutely unassailable. ("You think I look like a hooker in this? But it's mom's sweatshirt!")

4) Wanted you to wear a seat belt
- "Yes, Grandma, you know I'll be safe."

But how can I stop her from getting others involved like she did to my friends mother?

5) Was upset that a boy drove you home.
- "But I'm here safely and nothing happened to me. I was so glad that Fred took the time out from his studies to drive me here. Did you know he's going to Harvard? I guess that's what happens when you're a straight A student and spend your spare time working at the Sick Puppies And Abandoned Sweet Little Kids Home."

My mother always told me, you can put up with anything for 24 hours.

The other option, which I think would be cool, is that YOU go to Grandma's for the overnight, which will keep her out of your house, insure you set the start and stop times, give her less to complain about, make sure her DVDs get into the DVD player, and give you a quick exit whenever you need to "run home to get something."

That's not a bad idea, but knowing her, she'd probably complain that I didn't come to her house seven hours before nightfall like she wants.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice

Ko-Ko

[Tabris]

Let's see...

Four nights is a lot. I would suggest military camp. 

I don't know--if she finds a show offensive, I'd really push her to find another show. She apparently has no problems with watching TV since she wanted to watch a DVD while at your house. You might find some common ground there.

And if that doesn't work, bring out the Monopoly game board! I bet within five minutes, she'll suggest a show you'd both like to watch. 

If she tries to get other people in on the action, YES her to death. "YES, grandma, I'll wear a seatbelt. YES, Grandma, she knows how to drive a car. YES, Grandma, she understands that the octagonal red signs with S T O P on them are for stopping at. Really, Grandma, we'll be fine." Take a gentle tolerance line with her and you'll make the situation laughable rather than screamable, which would be a step in the right direction. Because then you'll be roping the other people into it too, and you'll have to believe me they'd rather be on your side than Grandma's because it'll be obvious to them which of you is five fries short of a Happy Meal.

The thing is, she can complain all she wants. But that doesn't mean you need to give in to her. She complains because it gets her attention. But if you and your parents have hammered out IN ADVANCE, in WRITING, that you are allowed to stay out until the grand old hour of 7pm, or that a guy from your class is allowed to drive you home, then she can complain, but she can't enforce anything. "I understand you wanted me home at 1, Grandma, but Mom and Dad gave me permission to study at the library until 7pm, and I'm back here at 6:55." Then change the subject.

Don't give her what she wants (ie, attention) for whining, but give her attention for something else. I don't know--bring home flowers or something to thank her for staying with you. Or ask her to pick a movie to watch. But do it preemptively. Calll her the night before she's due to stay with you (either there or at her house) and make some "fun plans" with her so she'll know exactly what to expect and when to expect it. "Grandma, I was wondering--would it be okay if we order a pizza? How about we watch a movie--you pick which one--and I'll bring the popcorn."  Even if she shoots down every idea you give her, you've validated her desire for attention and her desire to have a say in your life and your plans.

I think that might help a lot. And even if it doesn't, it's only four days. Four days won't kill you.

[Amitisoo]

I think the advice you've already received about how to handle your grandma is good.

Finding a friend's family who will take you in for a few days might work. Another option is to have an older family friend/relative to come stay with you. A cousin who is a young adult would be perfect. I often stay with my friend's teenagers. They are too old for to have a "babysitter" but need someone to keep an eye on them if mom is going to be away overnight. They have a lot more fun with me (I'm 22) then with grandma.

Perhaps your parents would agree to leaving you home alone as long as someone is available for you to call on and check in with. "If there are any problems or I get lonely I'll call Janey's parents and I promise to check in with them every night."

[Ko-Ko]

Thanks for the advice. She is basically the sort of person that needs others to agree with her. That's why she was upset over the TV show, the car rides, and the clothes (did she want me to die of heat stroke?) I just wish she could try to see things from other's point of view.

Ko-Ko

[freakyfemme]

Wow......your grandma sounds like a piece of work.  First of all, about the TV/movie/DVD-related problems, I'd suggest writing out instructions on how to use the VCR and DVD player.  I did that for my roommates, although they don't watch a lot of movies, because my VCR and DVD player are a bit quirky, and without instructions, they can be really hard to get going.  Second, do you have any videos or DVD's of old musicals?  I have several, I have "The Sound of Music," "My Fair Lady," "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Annie" on video, all inherited from my maternal grandparents.....they still play and everything, videos are incredibly resilient.  Anyway, those kinds of movies are perfect, they're light-hearted, funny, and completely non-offensive.  Most older people either enjoy them, or fall asleep in the middle of them, at which point you can take the movie out and watch something that you like better.

As for the other unreasonableness.....I find humour works well.  For example, if your grandma complains that wearing shorts and a T-shirt and flip-flops to a car wash is "inappropriate," you could say something like, "Well, gee, Grandma, I was going to wear a snowsuit, but I figured that this would give me a little less heat stroke, so that'd save Mr. Co-ordinator all the hassle of calling an ambulance."; or "Seat belts?  Well, gee, Grandma, way to take the fun out of that one!!!  Randomboy was just going to have me surf on the hood of his car, since his motorcycle's in the shop right now.  It's really a drag for him, the other Underworld's Ethereal Beings have been really teasing him lately, he just can't do the whole bad-bacon-fed knave thing as convincingly with his mother's station wagon with the 'My Son Randomboy is an Honour Student at Blahblah Collegiate' bumper sticker."  If that doesn't work, or if she gets uppity with you for being "rude" or "insolent," then I'd just ignore it.  I do that all the time with my mom, she'll buy me clothes, or approve of clothes that I buy for myself, and even say she likes them, and then later, when she sees me wearing them, she'll say they're inappropriate--too short, too tight, too loose, ANYTHING.  I just don't listen, I mean, I'm 22, I know perfectly well how to dress myself, and she can just go fry ice.  Seriously, I think the best option here would be either to stay at a friend's house overnight, or lobby to be allowed to be left alone completely.  I know I'd prefer the second option, because I've lived by myself before, but that's not for everyone.  As for your grandmother wanting to spend time with you, well, this is going to sound unpopular, but, well.....if she's going to treat you that way, then.....tough.  My mom always told me "if you want to be liked, then be likeable," and I don't see how that should be any different, whether you're seven, or seventeen, or seventy years old.

[Sharnita]

Well the first polite thing you can do is to abstain from lying to grandma again. Quite frankly, that seems to justify a lot of the behavior she demonstrated through the stay because your honesty is questionable, whether she has proof or not, you've admitted to lying.

Figure out before mom and dad leave wear you will be going and how you will get there and back. Don't deviate from the plan.

If I had made an effort to stay with a minor friend and/or family member and was informed kinda last minute that she wouldn't be there for dinner, I might find that alittle rude too. She might have been planning something and you blew her off. Kinda sets the tone for the whole visit.

Once again, please don't lie to her or go somewhere/change plans without letting her know. God forbid something should happen she would need to know where you were and who you were with.

[Lisbeth]

Last year, my parents went on vacation for one week during the school year. They are fine with me staying by myself usually, but as they were going to be gone several days, they wanted someone to stay with me at night, just to make sure I was still alive.

They decided that my grandma, who lived ten minutes away, would stay with me at night. Right away I realized that nothing good would come of this. My grandma has certain ideas about things. For example, she was horrified when she learned that I had slept over at a male friend's house. It was an emergency, and his parents and brothers were there the whole time. Nevertheless, she freaked out.

Despite the fact that she only had to come to stay at night, I feared that she would come early. I had a club meeting after school, but I lied and told her I would be home at six, when I would really be home at about four thirty, hoping I would have about an hour to myself before she came. My friend ended up inviting me to her house for dinner. I called my grandma, who was at my house (at 2:30!) and she made some PA comments. When I got home at about seven, she made more PA comments about how I finally decided to come see my poor old grandma, and how she had been sitting there for hours with nothing to do because the sound on the TV wouldn't work. She had forgotten to turn on the sub woofer, and she could have asked me about it when I called her.

The next day, I had to go to a carwash fundraiser. Naturally, I was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. She said my clothing was innappropriate, and tried to make me change! She also stated how she didn't like that another friend was coming to pick me up (it wasn't even my friend who was driving, it was her mother). Well, that is my grandmother's own fault as she refused to drive me anywhere, even though her car was right there. When my friend and her mother came to pick me up, she followed me out to the car, and began grilling my friend's mother about the importance of safe driving and wearing seatbelts! After I got back, she yelled at me because one of the senior boys in my club gave me a ride home. "Anything could have happened," she said. "Especially with you in an outfit like that!"

When my parents got home, she complained that I had not spent any time with her. I spent plenty of time with her! What she was refering to was how she was offended by the TV show I was watching, so I went to watch it on the other TV.

Now that you know all this, I need help with something. My parents are going away again, and none of us are comfortable with me staying alone. I will try to stay with a friend, but in case my grandmother comes to stay with me, how should I deal with her politely? Also, when she makes rules for me, like the one about no boys, am I obligated to listen to her because she is technically in charge, or can I ignore her rules because they are not my parents rules. Hopefully, my friends will be feeling both generous and desperate for company in a few weeks. Thanks for reading.

Ko-Ko

I'd talk to your parents about all this before they go away and make it clear that you and your grandmother just aren't compatible together.  Maybe they have friends you can stay with or who can stay with you?

Unfortunately, if your grandmother is in charge, you can't disobey her rules.

[LissaR1]

Ah, memories!

When I was a teenager, my dad had cancer, so my grandparents came down to stay with us.  I was a little younger than you, and also a very good kid, but ready to be treated like an adult.  My dad's parents weren't so bad, but my mom's parents always had a way of being WAY to strict.  My grandfather chewed my sister out for being 10 minutes late coming home from gymnastics because the parent driving her stopped at the bank!  He tried to ground her for 10 weeks, too (his rule was 1 week for every minute), but my mom overruled that.  (My sister was 14 and couldn't drive.)

Erm, sorry about the tangent.

I find that remembering the purpose of etiquette helps determine how to act in a case like this (and, like previous posters, I'm assuming this visit is a weekend or less).  Etiquette was created so that people know the rules and feel comfortable.  So, when your grandmother comes, even though she's staying with you for another reason, consider yourself her hostess.  What would make her comfortable?

If it's a longer visit, I'd ask for mediation with mom and dad.  Being respectful to elders shouldn't mean giving in to their every whim on a long term basis, but at the same time, what your grandmother's asking and how she's acting sound normal for someone her age.

Good luck!