General Etiquette > Family and Children

problem with grandma (long)

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Ko-Ko:
Last year, my parents went on vacation for one week during the school year. They are fine with me staying by myself usually, but as they were going to be gone several days, they wanted someone to stay with me at night, just to make sure I was still alive.

They decided that my grandma, who lived ten minutes away, would stay with me at night. Right away I realized that nothing good would come of this. My grandma has certain ideas about things. For example, she was horrified when she learned that I had slept over at a male friend's house. It was an emergency, and his parents and brothers were there the whole time. Nevertheless, she freaked out.

Despite the fact that she only had to come to stay at night, I feared that she would come early. I had a club meeting after school, but I lied and told her I would be home at six, when I would really be home at about four thirty, hoping I would have about an hour to myself before she came. My friend ended up inviting me to her house for dinner. I called my grandma, who was at my house (at 2:30!) and she made some PA comments. When I got home at about seven, she made more PA comments about how I finally decided to come see my poor old grandma, and how she had been sitting there for hours with nothing to do because the sound on the TV wouldn't work. She had forgotten to turn on the sub woofer, and she could have asked me about it when I called her.

The next day, I had to go to a carwash fundraiser. Naturally, I was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. She said my clothing was innappropriate, and tried to make me change! She also stated how she didn't like that another friend was coming to pick me up (it wasn't even my friend who was driving, it was her mother). Well, that is my grandmother's own fault as she refused to drive me anywhere, even though her car was right there. When my friend and her mother came to pick me up, she followed me out to the car, and began grilling my friend's mother about the importance of safe driving and wearing seatbelts! After I got back, she yelled at me because one of the senior boys in my club gave me a ride home. "Anything could have happened," she said. "Especially with you in an outfit like that!"

When my parents got home, she complained that I had not spent any time with her. I spent plenty of time with her! What she was refering to was how she was offended by the TV show I was watching, so I went to watch it on the other TV.

Now that you know all this, I need help with something. My parents are going away again, and none of us are comfortable with me staying alone. I will try to stay with a friend, but in case my grandmother comes to stay with me, how should I deal with her politely? Also, when she makes rules for me, like the one about no boys, am I obligated to listen to her because she is technically in charge, or can I ignore her rules because they are not my parents rules. Hopefully, my friends will be feeling both generous and desperate for company in a few weeks. Thanks for reading.

Ko-Ko

hobish:

Hi Ko-Ko,

OT: Koko is one of my best friend's nicknames, too. Her initials are K.O.

OK, from what i recall you are 17, right? 17 is a bit older than 16, maybe your parents would let you stay by yourself. After all, in a year you will be legally to do danged near anything you want. If your parents are anything like mine, though, they probably say that it isn't that they don't trust you, they'll just worry less & sleep better if they know someone is coming around to check on you. So ... can you talk to them about how your grandmother tries to impose rules that are not their own? If they're the least bit understanding maybe you could suggest that a trustworthy friend stay with you (if you can't stay with a friend). That one's a bit dicey because they'll probably think that you'd get each other into trouble instead of out of it.


--- Quote ---When my parents got home, she complained that I had not spent any time with her. I spent plenty of time with her! What she was refering to was how she was offended by the TV show I was watching, so I went to watch it on the other TV.
--- End quote ---

What was your parents reaction to that? It may make a difference.

When i was younger, about 15 i think, my parents had our grandmother stay with me and my younger brother & sister while they went on vacation. After hearing some of the strange rules she put on us while they were gone (((topping them off with trying to give me a sex talk because something on the movie Footloose offended her. It doesn't sound so horrible, but you don't know my grandmother. She has some very very strange ideas))) they said never again would she be left with us. After that we stayed by ourselves with the next door neighbors, who are close friends, available to keep an eye out or if we had an emergency.

Maybe the neighbor option is one that could work for you, as well?

Hope this helps a bit.

Ko-Ko:
Thanks for your response. I'll probably have to stay with a friend, because I actually agree with my parents about me staying home. I'm afraid of the dark, so I could me myself standing against the wall armed with a baseball bat jumping at every little noise. But I'd rather stay alone than deal with grandma and her rules.

On the funnier side, she tried to watch a DVD while I was at the car wash. She told me that it had not worked. When my parents got home, my father tried to watch the movie, but couldn't find it. He later found it in the VCR. She owns a vcr, and knows what videos look like. WHo knows what she was thinking.  ???

Ko-Ko

hobish:

 :D i am the same way about staying alone in the house & i'm 33!

Last year the bf went away for the weekend. Usually it would be no big because one of our best friends lived right downstairs; but he went, too. I spent the weekend with a friend rather than stay in that big old building by myself. I like time alone & all, but i wouldn't have slept a wink.

Gileswench:
If you find yourself in a situation where your grandmother will be staying with you again, perhaps you could ask for a meeting between you, your parents, and your grandmother beforehand so you can all discuss what the rules are going to be. At seventeen you're old enough to be treated almost as an adult, and your grandmother is doing everyone a favor, and your parents are still legally the ones in charge. IOW everyone involved has a right to some input. Also, if you're part of the meeting and act with dignity, it may help grandma see you as the responsible adult you're on the verge of being.

Best of luck finding a friend to stay with instead, though. If the situation can be avoided, so much the better. If it can't, I think open communication between all affected parties is the key to making it livable.

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