General Etiquette > Family and Children

who's hosting this shindig, anyway?

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Sandi Papaya:
It's always been my understanding that, unless there is a prior agreement by all parties, if you invite people out to dinner/drinks/etc to celebrate an event, the host(ess) of the event pays.

My 20-year-old cousin (the youngest of the now-adult cousins; the last two are 2 and almost 5) is moving away to a new city to find a job and start school in the fall. Note that this cousin is my cousin June's youngest sister, and this particular branch of the family has taken on June's custom of "celebrating" some event (birthdays, anniversaries, whatever) at a restaurant and having everyone pay their own way. Which is just not cool.

They're celebrating my younger cousin's going-away at some sushi joint next weekend. I'm not particularly fond of sushi and I have no real desire to see or speak to my cousin June anymore after the Christmas debacle, so I'm not going. Plus, if I'm invited to a celebration, I expect not to pay my own way.

At my friends' and my "girls' nights," we each pay our own way, but we've decided by mutual agreement to always split the tab evenly, no matter who has what, just to minimize confusion and make it easier on everyone mathematically. We take the tax on the meal, double it to get the tip, then round up to a number that is evenly divisible (or close enough) by the number of diners attending. My family even did this at lunch yesterday (mostly because there were 7 of us and no one wanted to sit there and figure out who owed what).

But I know no such thing is going to happen at this upcoming event. Someone in that branch of the family is going to shortchange the rest of the attendees and make everyone else cough up the difference (it's happened before), and since my cousin June and her husband are raging alcoholics, it's quite possible that I'd be throwing in for their gigantic bar tab when all I had was a beer or a shot or two of sake. No flippin' way is this going to happen on my dime.

What bothers me the most is that this branch of the family is always bragging about their money and material possessions (I guess my cousin June had to learn it somewhere). If they have so much money to throw around, why do I (or any other member of the family) have to finance part of this get-together? I'd rather spend the time with my friends, with whom I know I'll enjoy the company, I won't be subjected to the brat-tacular antics of cousin June's offspring, and I won't end up paying part of a huge bar tab for a raging alcoholic because we limit ourselves to one or two alcoholic drinks at most at our gatherings (we're big girls; we know how to keep our impulses under control).

I know it was my cousin June who chose the venue, too, because she happens to love sushi. While I like one or two sushi offerings, it's not one of my favorite foods (because I don't like seafood much), and most of my family isn't partial to sushi either. I don't think a lot of us are going to be in attendance, because we don't much feel like paying our own way at what is ostensibly a party. If I invite people out to eat, I never expect them to pick up the tab. I paid the entire tab for my mom's last birthday dinner, all $200 of it, because I made the invitation. Therefore it was my responsibility to pick up the tab.

Why do some people never learn the difference between "a party" and "a night out on everyone else's dime"?

IndianInlaw:
Maybe they do know and just don't care :P

Suze:
If you hate what is served at the resterant - I wouldn't go - Maybe you could get together with cousin and have a little going away party of your own.  Without the family drama.

Pixie:
What we have always done, in my family, Hubby's family, and with friends, is we agree to meet at a restaurant, one couple makes the reservations, and then the checks are separate for each couple/family group.    We ALL pay the tip, for example if its Hubby and I and the bill is $50.00,  WE  leave at least a $10.00  tip and the other couples/families leave their own tips.   If I notice the other couples aren't tipping well, I'll usually kick in more for our tip.

But its all understood up front that each couple/family will pay for their own meals/drinks/tips.  That way no one is shocked or embarrassed.

I have never been invited anywhere and not expected that I would pay my own way.  The only time I can remember not paying was when my friend took me out for a birthday dinner.  (But I still took cash with me, just in case)

MineralDiva:
<<<<It's always been my understanding that, unless there is a prior agreement by all parties, if you invite people out to dinner/drinks/etc to celebrate an event, the host(ess) of the event pays.>>>

That's always been my understanding also.  But more and more, it appears to be common practice to "invite" someone to share in a "celebration dinner" and the invitee is expected to pay for their own meal/drinks/whatever.

So much so, that I never assume that the person inviting me, is picking up the tab.  If I can afford to go, I will go, making sure I have enough cash to cover whatever I choose from the menu.  If when the bill comes, the invitor says, "Oh no, this is on me," then I'm pleasantly surprised.  If not, I'm not completely embarrassed!

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