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  • February 07, 2016, 08:33:23 PM

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Author Topic: Would this be an acceptable reply to assumptions about taking a married name?  (Read 15046 times)

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TootsNYC

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I knew when I got married that both my family and DH's family would not get the idea of me not changing my name, so I am fine with them calling me Mrs. DHname because you just can't fight it.  The thing that has confused me is that friends who *have themselves not changed their names and made a point of it and know that I did not either* still address correspondence to us as "Mr. and Mrs. [DH's last name]."  Or using our first names rather than the honorifics but still assuming his last name for us both. I can't really wrap my mind around that one since I try to respect their non-name-changing choices when I address them.

They're lazy.

It's also possible that they know your ILs' family uses the old-fashioned form, and that they think you've kept your name professionally but changed it socially.

SamiHami

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  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
We all know a few people with such situations -- and I know a few who married people with the same or very similar last names.

If I had married a man with the same last name as my own, I would totally hyphenate! "Hello! I'm Sami Hami-Hami! How do you do?"  ;D

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Browyn

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I'm 98% certain I would change my name to my husband's....I think it would make me feel like we were united, and would be an outward symbol that something had really changed about me.

An excellent reason for your husband to take your name!  :)

Ha ha! :) I do sometimes "worry" about what if the last name is really awful (IMO)--something that sounds ugly or like a rude word, or just is hard for my mom to say, or sounds funny with my first name. Lynn Lin? I think of Lauren Bush Lauren... Who thought with the first name of Lauren, she would manage to meet and marry someone whose last name was Lauren?

That's really pretty low on my list of worries, though. ;)

I had a friend in college whose last name was the same as my first, he suggested one evening (after a couple of long island ice teas) that if we got married I could be like Jeannie Jeannie on I dream of Jeannie.  We moved his drink away from him (lol) 

lmyrs

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I know you absolutely meant no offense.  But you made the assumption that your niece was changing her name.  That might've been a safe assumption prior to the 1970s or so, but even where it is less common to keep your own (I don't like the term "maiden"; it's inaccurate) it's not so unheard of as to justify the opposite assumption.  So I always ask. 

It's still a very safe assumption. I just read some research that said only about 8% of women keep their names. It peaked in the 90's at 23%.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/14/changing-your-last-name_n_3073125.html

That said, it's much better if everyone communicate their intentions, but if someone doesn't communicate, changing is still a safe assumption.

That survey is really flawed. The questions were: (all italics mine)

(1) Should a woman take her husband's name? (Should is loaded. The options for this question were for you to say that a woman should or should not or you weren't sure. There was no option to say that you thought she should do whatever she wants, including hyphenation.)
(2) Should a man be allowed to take his wife's name? (That's a bonkers question. A man can change his name to Mr. Johnny Tightpants if he wants to. There's no reason he can't change his last name to anything he wants, even if it is his wife's name.)
(3) How do you feel about couples who hyphenate their last names? (Not women, or men, but couples who both hyphenate.)

I'd like to see actual numbers on women who changed their names to their husband's last names, versus kept their married name or hyphenated. Because every study I've ever seen on the subject asked simply whether the woman changed her name after marriage or not. And, the number is very high (around 80% in Canada). But I changed my name after marriage. But not to my husband's name. I hyphenated. And, I would be included in that 80%. But most people reading it assume that 80% took their husband's name and 20% didn't. When in reality 20% kept their own name and 80% either hyphenated or took a different name (maybe their husband's or maybe a combination or maybe something completely new). And people use these stats in order to justify saying things like, "Well 80% of woman are Mrs. John Smith so it's a perfectly valid assumption to make."

(PS - Not that I think that Art was saying that at all. It's just something that I run into a lot and it's a huge sore spot for me.)

gellchom

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Even if the 80% figure were accurate, it still wouldn't justify an assumption (a guess, yes, but not an assumption), just as one cannot blithely assume a person is white, Christian, heterosexual, a college graduate, right-handed, etc.

mmswm

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I chose to take my (now ex) husband's name for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I absolutely detest my maiden name.  When we got divorced, I chose not to restore my maiden name for both that reason, and by that time I had three kids and it was just easier to all have the same name.  I've been asked what I'd do if I ever got married again.  My usual response is to quote a joke I read once that said "A truly enlightened man doesn't mind when his wife chooses to keep her name...from her first marriage."  Funnily enough, my boyfriend now would be totally okay with that, if this ever leads in that direction.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Wintergreen

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I chose to take my (now ex) husband's name for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I absolutely detest my maiden name.  When we got divorced, I chose not to restore my maiden name for both that reason, and by that time I had three kids and it was just easier to all have the same name.  I've been asked what I'd do if I ever got married again.  My usual response is to quote a joke I read once that said "A truly enlightened man doesn't mind when his wife chooses to keep her name...from her first marriage."  Funnily enough, my boyfriend now would be totally okay with that, if this ever leads in that direction.
I think quite many actually might be, considering there are kids (especially if they are young still). So even if person otherwise would prefer that woman takes his name, even some of those might see the reason for mother to keep the same name with young kids :D

We are both going to keep our own names. I don't want to change it, fiance does not want to change it. Neither of us has any super rare or special last name, both are kind of nice though. I do have one extra reason not to change my name, but :D I don't want to write it even here (paranoid much).

mmswm

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My kids are all teenagers, so them being young wouldn't be an issue. He was actually reading over my shoulder when I posted that. He shrugged and said he's always known me by this name and it would honestly be a little weird for him to think of me by his name. In fact, that was precisely the reason his late wife kept her name when they got married*. She didn't have any strong feelings one way or another, and he preferred she keep her name, so she went with his preference. She did have some second thoughts after they had kids, but she eventually resolved that conflict.

*He married his wife in 1976, before I was even a year old. She passed away in 1998, long before I ever met him and when their kids were only 13 years old, so I only have his version of events to go by. That said, I have no reason not to believe him.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Jaelle

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I think one's name is such a personal thing. There's not one cookie cutter answer that works for everyone. Instead of judging each other about these choices we should all just be glad that we're happy and get over it. For me, I took my husband's name. I liked it and I wanted to so I did. I have friends who chose differently and that's cool too. That's as it should be. Busybodies should be shut down as quickly and politely as possible. It's a changing society and people are just going to have to get used to that fact.

I do recall one unpleasant incident years ago, when I was working in an HR capacity. A couple was getting married (both worked there, so I knew them both). Near the time of their wedding I asked her if she would be changing her name, as there would be paperwork to complete if she was. She reacted with such disgust that I would even dare ask her if she'd do something so awful that I pretty much lost all respect for her. It's fine if she didn't want to change it, but I had a valid reason for asking. And her reaction made it clear that she thought less of women who did take their husband's name. And she knew very well that I had; my husband worked there as well and she knew him. It seemed very judgemental and unprofessional to react in such an OTT way.

I've gotten this attitude too. I'm not enough of a feminist because I changed my name.

Well, I didn't care that much. I have a brother who might pass on the name and many cousins who have the name. DH's family is very small. His dad's only sibling is (Catholic) clergy.  There is literally ... with the correct usage of literally ;) ... no one else to pass it on. So it meant a lot to him. (We've done some searching. There are actually only a handful of people with this surname in the U.S., and not many more elsewhere!)

It had nothing to do with feminism. I was my decision. Isn't that what feminism is all about? The rights of women to make their own decisions?  ::)
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

bopper

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Also you could just say: "'Angharad Schweinsteiger'?   Can you imagine?  No I will be keeping Smith, also because I am known as Smith professionally."

Anything else you just "So kind of you to take an interest."


I changed my name, because I wanted all of our potential family to have the same last name.  Paper work is not that bad if you do it right aftr the wedding.    My name went from slightly unusual to slightly unusual.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2016, 02:10:52 PM by bopper »

Outdoor Girl

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My response will be, 'I'm keeping my own name because I am incredibly lazy.  I really do not want to have to do all the paperwork required to change it.'   ;D

If BF feels strongly that I take his name?  Then he can do all the dang paperwork.  And he's even more paperwork adverse than I am so I really don't see that happening.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

katycoo

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I'm 98% certain I would change my name to my husband's....I think it would make me feel like we were united, and would be an outward symbol that something had really changed about me.

An excellent reason for your husband to take your name!  :)

Ha ha! :) I do sometimes "worry" about what if the last name is really awful (IMO)--something that sounds ugly or like a rude word, or just is hard for my mom to say, or sounds funny with my first name. Lynn Lin? I think of Lauren Bush Lauren... Who thought with the first name of Lauren, she would manage to meet and marry someone whose last name was Lauren?

That's really pretty low on my list of worries, though. ;)

I had a friend in college whose last name was the same as my first, he suggested one evening (after a couple of long island ice teas) that if we got married I could be like Jeannie Jeannie on I dream of Jeannie.  We moved his drink away from him (lol)

There is a very sad story of a young girl (13/14) from Newcastle in Australia who was murdered back in the early 90s.  There was a film about it- Blackrock?
Either way, her name was Lee Lee.  I think her mother remarried and Lee took her new stepfather's surname.