Author Topic: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"  (Read 3320 times)

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ChinaShepherdess

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"What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« on: August 22, 2014, 11:10:17 PM »
I just had an interaction that I was very happy with, in part due to ehell'sspine polishing treatment. I just spent a long visit with my parents that was very nice. I'm currently visiting my sister who has a tendency to be quite rude, sometimes saying very hurtful things out of the blue, and who sometimes seems to try to stir up drama between me and our parents.

My sister and I were having a nice time and I mentioned I was going to smoke. My sister responded: "That's another thing mom said, 'Subliminabibble smokes like a chimney.' She said that when she was saying that you're tiring to be around."

Obviously that was hurtful to hear. Did my mother say it? Well, maybe -- I visited for a week -- that's a long time to have any guest and even though I had an amazing time I also had to do a bit of venting about it to my boyfriend, the way I think is normal when any people who usually don't signed much time together do during a long, intensive visit. But rather than get caught up in the drama or let my sister's comment hurt me, I just asked her in a friendly, curious tone:

"What do you hope to accomplish by repeating those things to me? It hurts my feelings to hear them and I don't think mom wanted them repeated."

My sister tried to backpedal, then was silent for a while, and when we started talking again the nasty tone was gone and things were pleasant again. I felt proud if the way I handled what could have been an upsetting or angry conversation!

ETA: Sorry for the typographical errors! My phone is behaving oddly and I can't seem to scroll to them to fix them!
« Last Edit: August 22, 2014, 11:12:27 PM by ChinaShepherdess »

jayhawk

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2014, 11:32:50 PM »
What a great response! You called her bluff and it sounds like she finally really thought about her behavior.

TootsNYC

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2014, 12:09:50 AM »
**Such** a lovely response!

And the mild tone of voice! Especially the "curious" part, as though you thought she might actually answer you. Because, what is she going to say?

(and kudos to you for recognizing that your mom's supposed comment was something to just not get upset about. She probably didn't even say it all that negatively--if she even said it at all. I can just imagine her saying, "isn't it interesting that even when it's your own kid, you sometimes get tired of having company. And then, of course she smokes, and that's always sort of awkward with a visit, since I don't.")
« Last Edit: August 23, 2014, 12:11:21 AM by TootsNYC »

bloo

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2014, 07:11:32 AM »
Good job! You worked that perfectly.

Some people go with the school of thought of browbeating and sniping when you (general) are doing something 'wrong' (or something they don't like).

Now I don't like the fact that my Dad smokes. I do think it is bad to smoke. But I appreciate that: 1) He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions and 2) he has *never* smoked around *any* of us since I was 12! Almost 30 years ago! As well as 3) he's a human being deserving of some dignity and respect regardless of whether I'm related to him.

So I maintain the polite fiction that he 'quit' years ago and let my Mom deal with the heavy conversations of whether or not he should smoke. If I really felt the need to have a serious discussion about it, I'd be very respectful. That's my daddy! Then I'd let it go and *never* browbeat him.

I wish DH would learn this lesson about some of my less-than-stellar habits.  :(

Cali.in.UK

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2014, 06:41:59 AM »
CS that's a really great response! It's applicable to so many situations.

Venus193

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2014, 07:00:02 AM »
Congrats!

English1

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2014, 10:44:09 AM »
applause applause applause.

You've worked out how to deal with your sister when she is trying to create a drama.

Softly Spoken

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2014, 01:46:05 PM »
Good job! You worked that perfectly.

Some people go with the school of thought of browbeating and sniping when you (general) are doing something 'wrong' (or something they don't like).

*snip*

I wish DH would learn this lesson about some of my less-than-stellar habits.  :(
If he makes comments to you, maybe you could try the same thing as the OP and ask him if he really thinks saying hurtful things about your habits that he disapproves of will accomplish anything.

Online people tend to call this "concern trolling" i.e. trying to get people to be the way you think they should be, by any means possible because it is "for their own good." ::)
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Lady Snowdon

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2014, 10:05:31 PM »
Good job! You worked that perfectly.

Some people go with the school of thought of browbeating and sniping when you (general) are doing something 'wrong' (or something they don't like).

*snip*

I wish DH would learn this lesson about some of my less-than-stellar habits.  :(
If he makes comments to you, maybe you could try the same thing as the OP and ask him if he really thinks saying hurtful things about your habits that he disapproves of will accomplish anything.

Online people tend to call this "concern trolling" i.e. trying to get people to be the way you think they should be, by any means possible because it is "for their own good." ::)

I am so glad to have a name for this!  I was talking with a coworker the other day about wanting to lose weight, and what I was planning to do about it (I'm looking into joining a fencing club or taking archery lessons) and suddenly she's at my desk with a printout about bariatric surgery and gushing about how wonderful it was for her and such a life saver!  I kept trying to shut her down by saying, "I'm not interested in this." and "I don't want to go this route" and she just kept talking.  It was exactly like being trolled, except she was being so concerned for my health that I thought I must just be over reacting.  I wasn't; she really was trolling me!

shhh its me

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2014, 10:12:42 PM »
Good job! You worked that perfectly.

Some people go with the school of thought of browbeating and sniping when you (general) are doing something 'wrong' (or something they don't like).

*snip*

I wish DH would learn this lesson about some of my less-than-stellar habits.  :(
If he makes comments to you, maybe you could try the same thing as the OP and ask him if he really thinks saying hurtful things about your habits that he disapproves of will accomplish anything.

Online people tend to call this "concern trolling" i.e. trying to get people to be the way you think they should be, by any means possible because it is "for their own good." ::)

I am so glad to have a name for this!  I was talking with a coworker the other day about wanting to lose weight, and what I was planning to do about it (I'm looking into joining a fencing club or taking archery lessons) and suddenly she's at my desk with a printout about bariatric surgery and gushing about how wonderful it was for her and such a life saver!  I kept trying to shut her down by saying, "I'm not interested in this." and "I don't want to go this route" and she just kept talking.  It was exactly like being trolled, except she was being so concerned for my health that I thought I must just be over reacting.  I wasn't; she really was trolling me!

While I think she went wayyyyy overboard I don't know that shortly after "I want to lose weight this is what I'm going to do?"  saying I did this to lose weight it was great!!!  is still trolling.   If I say "I want to quit smoking I'm going to try ........." I expect people will tell me their stories the over-excitable might give me a brochure.  I think you gave her a conversational inch (well more like a foot )and she took a mile

lakey

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Re: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2014, 11:33:20 PM »
Quote
Quote from: Softly Spoken on September 01, 2014, 01:46:05 PM
Quote from: bloo on August 23, 2014, 07:11:32 AM
Good job! You worked that perfectly.

Some people go with the school of thought of browbeating and sniping when you (general) are doing something 'wrong' (or something they don't like).

*snip*

I wish DH would learn this lesson about some of my less-than-stellar habits.  :(
If he makes comments to you, maybe you could try the same thing as the OP and ask him if he really thinks saying hurtful things about your habits that he disapproves of will accomplish anything.

Online people tend to call this "concern trolling" i.e. trying to get people to be the way you think they should be, by any means possible because it is "for their own good." ::)

I am so glad to have a name for this!  I was talking with a coworker the other day about wanting to lose weight, and what I was planning to do about it (I'm looking into joining a fencing club or taking archery lessons) and suddenly she's at my desk with a printout about bariatric surgery and gushing about how wonderful it was for her and such a life saver!  I kept trying to shut her down by saying, "I'm not interested in this." and "I don't want to go this route" and she just kept talking.  It was exactly like being trolled, except she was being so concerned for my health that I thought I must just be over reacting.  I wasn't; she really was trolling me!

Congratulations on standing your ground. I know someone whose daughter had this surgery and it is not to be taken lightly. It can be helpful for some people, but there are serious lifestyle and health issues to consider. The patient has to make a serious commitment to restrictions on eating.