I have an STD! [it's news to me]

[Hanna]

I am confused.  Do folks expect that someone would be thrilled at the idea of being given genital herpes?  It is highly contagious, apparently quite painful and terribly annoying and there is no cure.  Of course many people would think that is gross.  Lying about it is completely atrocious and unforgivable. 

Having genital herpes is not a life ending completely disgusting fear inducing condition. With a little bit of common sense it's possible to prevent the spread to a partner. Unfortunately many people are afraid of rejection and being told they are "disgusting" or "dirty" and wind up not making a full disclosure at the start of a relationship, thus not taking precautions and spreading the virus. I wouldn't expect anyone to be thrilled to get genital herpes, but I really do wish people would stop being so judgemental and cruel about the person who harbours the virus.

Still, there is absolutely no justification for keeping that from a partner.  If that is how people behave, then that is a huge reason for people to be judgemental about it.

Hanna, if a partner had lied to you about it, and you had contracted herpes - would you therefore plan on never having sex for the rest of your life?

I don't follow your logic here.

[Twik]

I am confused.  Do folks expect that someone would be thrilled at the idea of being given genital herpes?  It is highly contagious, apparently quite painful and terribly annoying and there is no cure.  Of course many people would think that is gross.  Lying about it is completely atrocious and unforgivable. 

Having genital herpes is not a life ending completely disgusting fear inducing condition. With a little bit of common sense it's possible to prevent the spread to a partner. Unfortunately many people are afraid of rejection and being told they are "disgusting" or "dirty" and wind up not making a full disclosure at the start of a relationship, thus not taking precautions and spreading the virus. I wouldn't expect anyone to be thrilled to get genital herpes, but I really do wish people would stop being so judgemental and cruel about the person who harbours the virus.

Still, there is absolutely no justification for keeping that from a partner.  If that is how people behave, then that is a huge reason for people to be judgemental about it.

Hanna, if a partner had lied to you about it, and you had contracted herpes - would you therefore plan on never having sex for the rest of your life?

I don't follow your logic here.

Well, apparently you could tell your prospective partner the truth, and have them reject you as "gross", and unworth the risk of infection - or you could lie, take all precautions possible, and hope that you weren't contagious. Or, give up the idea of ever having sex with anyone else for the rest of your life.

So, which would it be?

[Hanna]

Hanna, if a partner had lied to you about it, and you had contracted herpes - would you therefore plan on never having sex for the rest of your life?

I don't follow your logic here.

Well, apparently you could tell your prospective partner the truth, and have them reject you as "gross", and unworth the risk of infection - or you could lie, take all precautions possible, and hope that you weren't contagious. Or, give up the idea of ever having sex with anyone else for the rest of your life.

So, which would it be?

I don't understand how you arrive at the conclusion that these are the only options. 
Do you think that all people with genital herpes either are either a) forever rejected, b) lying to their partners or c) completely abstinent?

[Hanna]

I don't understand how you arrive at the conclusion that these are the only options. 
Do you think that all people with genital herpes either are either a) forever rejected, b) lying to their partners or c) completely abstinent?

Hanna, I can't speak for Twik but my comment she was expanding on was specifically brought on by this comment (bolding mine):

2. Genital Herpes - this is the type people get routinely on the naughty bits, can be transferred to the mouth (referred to as 'ewww, that's gross, get that away from me *puts pants back on quickly*')

I hear a lot of stuff like this both in my personal life, and in working with HIV outreach services. Often times people don't bother to distinguish between the person who happens to play host to a virus, be it herpes, human papilloma, or what have you, and the virus its self.

While I can't imagine anyone being thrilled to get herpes, it's not really much more disgusting than a runny nose (well, except genital herpes don't generally show when you go out in public), but I've heard countless stories of people being too afraid to tell partners about their status, and while I agree that it's reprehensible to lie to a partner, I also understand the fear and depression that lead people to feel like their options are limited to the ones Twik listed above.

I guess what I really wish is that everyone would go ahead and educate themselves rather than making medical conditions equal a value judgement on a person, and perpetuating a cycle of shame and fear.

I understand what you mean.

[Hanna]

For instance, a friend of mine contracted HSV from her husband. "'Til death" came a lot sooner than she expected, and she found herself facing the prospect of dating again around 28. However, she was afraid to actually go out and meet people because she dreaded the future disclosure and the "you're gross!" reaction. She eventually met someone who was kind and caring enough to love her for more than her genitals, but for her it was a torturous process just getting to the point where she could relax about coffee with a guy. People were often very unkind to her for that one small detail, and she did pay a pretty hefty emotional toll for being honest.

I know how she feels.  I have HCV and therefore am celibate for life.

Venus, I am so sorry that you have to deal with having HCV.  But does it really mean that you must be celibate for life?

[threedogs]

Even if Drile had  had the most raging case of herpes in all of medical history, the fact that Rude Girl looked at her and said "EWWW, you  have Herpes" is unspeakably rude. 

Why anyone would feel a need to point out to someone else that they have a cold sore is beyond me.  As someone who gets cold sores/herpes outbreaks and have gotten them since I was a child, I do not need to be told I have one.  I am fully aware I'm sporting a big, ugly blister on my face and have been aware it's been brewing for a couple of days before anyone else noticed it.  Ya think I can wipe it off like a blob of ketchup leftover from lunch???

[VorFemme]

The fastest way I have found to get a canker sore to clear up is by rubbing it with a bit of salt.  If it doesn't heal - then I floss - just to make sure that I don't have something caught between teeth or in my gums (took three weeks to realize that one canker sore was NOT going away - I found a popcorn shell stuck in my gum in that area - it came out and the sore FINALLY healed and went away).  I started flossing after eating popcorn............

[Lexophile]

I am confused.  Do folks expect that someone would be thrilled at the idea of being given genital herpes?  It is highly contagious, apparently quite painful and terribly annoying and there is no cure.  Of course many people would think that is gross.  Lying about it is completely atrocious and unforgivable. 

Having genital herpes is not a life ending completely disgusting fear inducing condition. With a little bit of common sense it's possible to prevent the spread to a partner. Unfortunately many people are afraid of rejection and being told they are "disgusting" or "dirty" and wind up not making a full disclosure at the start of a relationship, thus not taking precautions and spreading the virus. I wouldn't expect anyone to be thrilled to get genital herpes, but I really do wish people would stop being so judgemental and cruel about the person who harbours the virus.

Still, there is absolutely no justification for keeping that from a partner.  If that is how people behave, then that is a huge reason for people to be judgemental about it.

Please tell me you are only talking about people who knowingly keep it a secret. Just because some people aren't honest, that doesn't make it right for people in general to be judgmental about it in general.

I'm only saying this because this forum is anonymous, but I have both types. I was diagnosed earlier this year - in the fifth year of my marriage - and my husband was tested and came back totally clean. Words cannot express how dirty and guilty I felt for having brought it into our marriage, but I never had an outbreak or any sign of it until this year. I had no idea I even had it. I have been completely faithful to my husband for our entire marriage, but the way he looked at me for the first few months we dealt with this broke my heart. I could tell that his faith in me had been rocked, even if he wouldn't come right out and say it.

I wasn't promiscuous, but I did have a few "encounters" in college that weren't by my own choice. I won't explain any further than that because the whole thing is just so painful. I am fortunate that I got away from those people without contracting anything worse, but I have a feeling it's going to be years before I can accept that I have this disease without hating myself about it.

Be a little sensitive, please. It's not just dishonest people who chance passing it on to others.

[Hanna]

Please tell me you are only talking about people who knowingly keep it a secret. Just because some people aren't honest, that doesn't make it right for people in general to be judgmental about it in general.

Of course.  I was responding to the idea that it was OK to keep it from a partner because many people are judgemental about it.  If you don't know yourself, then you aren't purposely hiding it.

I'm only saying this because this forum is anonymous, but I have both types. I was diagnosed earlier this year - in the fifth year of my marriage - and my husband was tested and came back totally clean. Words cannot express how dirty and guilty I felt for having brought it into our marriage, but I never had an outbreak or any sign of it until this year. I had no idea I even had it. I have been completely faithful to my husband for our entire marriage, but the way he looked at me for the first few months we dealt with this broke my heart. I could tell that his faith in me had been rocked, even if he wouldn't come right out and say it.

I wasn't promiscuous, but I did have a few "encounters" in college that weren't by my own choice. I won't explain any further than that because the whole thing is just so painful. I am fortunate that I got away from those people without contracting anything worse, but I have a feeling it's going to be years before I can accept that I have this disease without hating myself about it.

Be a little sensitive, please. It's not just dishonest people who chance passing it on to others.

That is truly an awful situation and I really feel for you.  You don't have to be at all promiscuous to be exposed, and I do hope you can realize it is not your fault, nor does it make you 'dirty'. 

The finger I would point is at the person that did this to you.  I have a friend whose boyfriend lied to her about this and also HPV.  She got off fairly easy (HPV but it disappeared within 1 year on its own) but went through all of the emotions you describe.  She was very understanding when she found out, but he had lied about it and his own behavior for months prior to her 'accidentally' learning the truth.   I was disgusted to see him out picking up women shortly after they broke up.  He was extremely promiscous and never honest with anyone about his risky behaviour (including drugs and strippers) or the fact that he was exposing them to these STDs.

[Twik]

While lying is always wrong, and lying about something that could lead to permanent infection is reprehensible, in a world where people tend to look for sexual compatibility first, and move on before the risk of falling in love if there are problems in that arena, the impulse to lie must be almost irresistible.

What is the choice otherwise? Embrace lifelong celebacy, even if you're in your twenties? Rejoin the dating scene while vowing to always tell the truth up front, and expose yourself to situation after situation where your prospective partner goes "ICK! That's DISGUSTING!" and runs away, hoping that maybe, possibly, someone will consider you worth the effort to see if a normal relationship can exist?

[42_42_42]

My DH gets cold sores (got one the weekend we met, in fact). We are always very careful not to kiss until it's completely healed. He started getting them more frequently (due to stress at work) and we both got fed up with weeks on end of no kissing, so he finally went to the Dr. and got put on supressent therapy. He's only had one outbreak since starting. It is so worth paying for the prescription every month!

[Cady]

Almost the exact same thing happened to me. I get terrible, huge cold sores and one time, I was with the kids at a Toys 'R Us. A women assumed (loudly) I had herpes. She had children with her as well. It was humiliating and DH was appalled.

[Kaylee]

I am just chiming in to say how cool it is that there are so many people passing on the CORRECT information about HSV and VZV (varicella/chickenpox/zoster) infections.

A couple of further points:  It is always possible to pass HSV because carriers can shed virus even when there is no lesion.  It's far MORE likely when there is a lesion, of course, but it is never completely impossible to pass it on.  What the previous posters have stated about the large majority of the adult population being latently infected with at least one of the various strains is absolutely correct as well, and many of them do not know it.  When we educate people about HSV, it's very important that we emphasize that no one may be "lying" about being infected--they may very honestly not know.  Not everyone has even an initial full-blown outbreak.

HSV is also different from most other things that can be grouped with the STIs in that the virus is shed over a larger area.  You don't have to touch the lips or the genital area.  The description we usually use for genital herpes is the area that would be covered by swim trunks or boy shorts.

Finally, the VZV vaccine is a weakened live virus, so it is possible to get a (usually mild) case of chicken pox from the vaccine, and it is also possible to get shingles afterwards from it (both are documented).  It is also possible to get wild-type chicken pox after being vaccinated, although again, usually it will be a much milder case.  It is also possible for someone exposed to a recent vaccinee to "catch" chicken pox from them (this is why we don't give this vaccine to immunosuppressed people or to people in those households).

Canker sores are different from cold sores to a doctor--they are what we call "aphthous ulcers" technically--and they occur inside the mouth rather than on the lips or other areas, but the terms are often used interchangably by the public.

[Marbles]

Just one more clarification, since we're already splitting hairs, the new term in STI, not STD.  The medical community has made the clarification that these are infections, not diseases.  New tip of the day! 

That's a bit of a relief to me, because every time I see a reference to save the date cards as STDs on this forum, I immediately think of, well, not correspondence.

[veraobsession]

To all of you that do get fever blisters the drug Valtrex (and Zovirax which is much cheaper) CAN AND WILL help you. I keep a bottle with me all the time and when I feel that first little tingle I take 3 or 4 of them and if it doesnt kick it totally it will make the blister much smaller and not last near as long. I have been taking it everyday for about a month because I'm terrified that I'll get one because of all the stress of the wedding.

And Zilactin was my favorite drug for fever blister when I did actually get one and I cant find it here anymore