Author Topic: Saying no to your spouse  (Read 6332 times)

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NotCinderell

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Saying no to your spouse
« on: October 08, 2007, 07:19:18 PM »
My DH is a fun guy.  He's always got lots of ideas of where to go, what to do, etc.  He reads the listings for films, plays, galleries, free cultural events, etc., and makes mental notes of stuff he just can't miss.  He's also got lots of friends who are really into the same hobby as he is (trains and urban transportation), many of whom live in different cities when we do.  As such, he sometimes makes me feel a bit overscheduled.

So last week was a Jewish holiday.  I got really behind in my work and in my ironing last week, and then we ended up doing like 10 loads of laundry this weekend (we washed everything, including the comforters on the bed).  So I've got a small mountain of ironing.  I really wanted to stay home and work yesterday, but DH persuaded me to enjoy the nice weather and we went to a park to look at a sculpture installation. 

One of DH's out of town buddies is in town with his girlfriend this week.  DH asks me if we can get together tonight.  I told him I'm too busy because we went out yesterday and I didn't get caught up like I wanted to, and maybe we could do it tomorrow.  So he does the typical DH move of asking again, hoping the answer will change. 

DH:  What if we just go to [famous local pizza place near our house] tonight with friend and his girlfriend?

Me:  I'm sorry.  I'm just too busy.  If you want to go without me and leave me at home to work, that's fine.

DH:  I don't want to leave you at home by yourself with the baby.

Me:  Then we'll have to make it tomorrow.  I just can't tonight.

He'll grumble, but I stood my ground!   Yea!

Midnight Kitty

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2007, 07:34:40 PM »
I know you didn't ask for any advice, but that doesn't stop me from offering some.  If your laundry is piling up and your DH wants you to come out and play, I would ask him to help with the chores so you both can play.  I used to feel the way you do, that I have a lot of housework and DH is a carefree, fun lovin' guy.

My DH has convinced me that:
1)  Housework isn't that important.  It can wait.  Make time for visiting friends and unique events.
2)  If the housework IS that important, it will get done twice as fast with both of us working.  Then we can both play!
3)  It's OK for me to say, "I'm not that interested in <the new train show>.  I'd rather relax at home and read with the cats."  It's not OK for me to act the martyr and do laundry while he plays, then "geev him stinkeye" when he gets home.

Your DH sounds like a nice guy.  I don't know him, but it's possible that he would rather help you iron (or whatever) than miss having you with him when he's out having fun.  You don't know if you don't ask.
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

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NotCinderell

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2007, 07:42:31 PM »
I know you didn't ask for any advice, but that doesn't stop me from offering some.  If your laundry is piling up and your DH wants you to come out and play, I would ask him to help with the chores so you both can play.  I used to feel the way you do, that I have a lot of housework and DH is a carefree, fun lovin' guy.

My DH has convinced me that:
1)  Housework isn't that important.  It can wait.  Make time for visiting friends and unique events.
2)  If the housework IS that important, it will get done twice as fast with both of us working.  Then we can both play!
3)  It's OK for me to say, "I'm not that interested in <the new train show>.  I'd rather relax at home and read with the cats."  It's not OK for me to act the martyr and do laundry while he plays, then "geev him stinkeye" when he gets home.

Your DH sounds like a nice guy.  I don't know him, but it's possible that he would rather help you iron (or whatever) than miss having you with him when he's out having fun.  You don't know if you don't ask.

To be fair, he did do the laundry, and he works really hard and has to do crazy overtime sometimes.  He doesn't like to go out playing without me, but his response when I have to stay home is usually to whine and try to convince me that I'm not really that busy.  You're right in guessing that he does sometimes try to drag me to stuff that I'm not interested in going to, but not too much.  And I'm really okay with him going out and playing when I'm busy, especially if it's somewhere that he can take the baby with him.

Sirius

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2007, 05:10:10 PM »
I had a somewhat different problem:  Getting my spouse to say "no."  He's a nice guy, he's a good singer,  and he also plays the piano, which puts him in demand.  These last two weeks, between work and rehearsals, I saw him very little.  So I talked to him about it.  Turned out he felt the same way.  He told me that after his band's next gig (Saturday) the number of rehearsals will go down, and he turned down someone else who wanted him to join their a capella singing group.  He really enjoys playing keyboards for the band he's in, and I wouldn't want him to have to give that up, but he's also in the church's bell choir, regular choir, and worship band.   

Chocolate Cake

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2007, 10:41:45 AM »
Whenever I'm in this situation, I say something like, "Because we were gone the last few days doing this, this, and this, I absolutely have to get this, this, and that done today.  So, if you want us to go to the restaurant tonight, I need you to do these two  baskets of laundry, clean the kitchen floor, and make a cold salad for the teacher's luncheon while I pay bills, change the beds, and clean the bathroom." 

If he really wants to go, he pitches right in.   Sometimes, though, what I'm telling him really sinks in and he'll agree that adding one more thing is too cumbersome and reschedules instead.

Brentwood

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2007, 07:36:00 PM »
Whenever I'm in this situation, I say something like, "Because we were gone the last few days doing this, this, and this, I absolutely have to get this, this, and that done today.  So, if you want us to go to the restaurant tonight, I need you to do these two  baskets of laundry, clean the kitchen floor, and make a cold salad for the teacher's luncheon while I pay bills, change the beds, and clean the bathroom." 

If he really wants to go, he pitches right in.   Sometimes, though, what I'm telling him really sinks in and he'll agree that adding one more thing is too cumbersome and reschedules instead.

This is what I do too. My husband is more than willing to pitch in, but I have to give him specific directives on what needs to be done, because he won't necessarily "see" or notice what is undone.

WildChild@Heart

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2007, 12:56:27 PM »
Me:  I'm sorry.  I'm just too busy.  If you want to go without me and leave me at home to work, that's fine.

That statement doesn't sound like your "really fine" with him going out and playing while your busy. If my spouse said that to me I'd feel like I was being guilt tripped. I'm all for standing your ground, but that reply just sounded PA.
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TroubleInTO

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2007, 08:48:43 PM »
I usually go with the classic "No. Because I said so. Now get in the kitchen and make me some waffles."

And then I usually wake up about three hours later in some guy named Vinny's trunk.


Shortcake

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2007, 09:56:07 AM »
I usually go with the classic "No. Because I said so. Now get in the kitchen and make me some waffles."

And then I usually wake up about three hours later in some guy named Vinny's trunk.



LOL! It sounds like that response doesn't work too well for you!   ;)
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asta

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Re: Saying no to your spouse
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2007, 08:54:34 PM »
TroubleinTO, lol, that's a good one, especially since I'm married 23 years to a Chicago Italian.

My DH respects my "no" word.  Although, I do admit, I've gone along on some of his "wanna-dos" when I didn't feel like it and was afterwards glad I did.  It's sweet that your DH wants you to always be in on his outings, mine does too, but lots of times I elected to say no.  BTW, my DH used to take both our boys (20 mos. apart) for little "outings" so I could catch up or relax, that was bliss.