SO- Should the SO be invited to a catch-up between old friends?

[jimithing]

I didn't want to hijack this thread, so I thought I would start a new one.

One of my best friends, Sarah, has been dating someone for about 8 months, Jack.  They have talked marriage, but aren't engaged at this point.  My Jack has a lot of friends from high school, many of them girls.  Sarah likes most of his girl friends, and has no problems with them.  She's not the jealous type.

Jack has some old high school girl friends coming in from out of state tonight.  He did not invite Sarah because he said that these friends get catty and rude when other girls are around.  He said that the last time they were in town, another group of girls came over and brought them cookies and tried to be very friendly, but the out of towners were rude and basically snubbed them.  So, it was uncomfortable.

We were at dinner last week, and Jack said that his friend never said that Sarah couldn't come, but because of what happened last time, he knew that it wouldn't go very well if Sarah came.  Sarah was upset, not because she's jealous, but because she feels that it's a loyalty thing and why would he want to be friends with *itchy, insecure girls?  She also said that she's not just some random friend, that she's his girlfriend and what will happen when they get engaged or married?

For her, it's the principle of the matter, not that she really wants to go.  So, what say you, eHellions?  Does she have the right to be angry?  Is she blowing it out of proportion?

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm inclined to agree with Sarah. Why is Jack still friends with these "catty, rude" girls?

I think you also have to look at the purpose of the get-together. If it's purely for catching up on old times, lots of in-jokes, etc etc then I don't think Sarah needs to be invited.

However if it's a general event, where SOs are invited too, and people are just going to socialise and chat about current events, etc then Sarah should be invited too.

[anechka]

Yes, she has the right to be angry.  But so do Jack's friends.  I think he's pre-judging them both.   Maybe they had some other conflict with the other group of girls.  Stuff happens.  He should give both his GF and his friends a benefit of a doubt, and if his friends are rude to his GF, then they're not very good friends of his. 

[Monarda]

I think Sara definitely has a right to be angry. Jack should not be friends with people who are rude to her. Of course, he can't be sure that they will be rude to her, so he should take her along and see.

It's possible that there was a conflict between his friends and the other girls, which is why they were rude. It's also possible that Jack wants to go without Sara, and he's making up reasons why she can't come.

[Saki_Fiz]

My response in the other thread included something that each person in a relationship needs to decide if there is a reason to be upset.  In this case, I believe there is.  Jack has female friends that have in the past treated other females badly for no apparent reason.  Jack is assuming that this behavior will continue with any girlfriend that he has.  So Jack tries to avoid having the friends meet the girlfriend.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (My sound affect for the wrong answer or tactic.)

If Jack really believes that these girls are going to to treat his girlfriend badly, then he should be doing something about it rather than avoiding the situation by ditching his girlfriend to hang out with the other girls.

[Mahogany]

Jack needs to grow a spine and tell these people that their behaviour is not acceptable to ANY of his friends, but especially not his G/F.

If, at the end of the day there is a genuine personality conflict, then yes - perhaps you see groups of people separately (like the first two groups).  But they still need to be told that if there is a meeting, eg they run into each other when with the other person/people, then they are to be, at the very least, polite. 

I have friends who cant stand each other, and I am friends with people who have friends I would happily see pickled in an iceberg, but the deal is that a) you never put the mutual friend in the middle by badmouthing the others and b) if there is an accidental meeting then you are polite and get the heck out of there asap.

I do agree with Sarah - why is he still friends with these people?, but then again I am not close to the situation and I dont know the parties involved.  DH has people who he sees without me, male and female, and it doesnt bother me.  Again, a few of these people are people I personally would like to see move to outer Mongolia, but we go by the above rules and maintain a civil front.  But we found out our mutual dislike by actually meeting and having a few conversations - not by DH deciding beforehand that we wouldnt get along.

[Hawkwatcher]

What if Jack decides to marry Sarah?  Is he going to invite these catty women, whom he cannot trust to behave properly, to his wedding?