Heart Rape - Has anyone else heard of this?

[Twik]

I don't think this is a new phenomenon - it used to be called "toying with people's affections".

Of course, the internet does make it easier, since you don't have to see the person, and the two participants don't have to have any other social connection (once, when people met face to face and usually knew people in common, the heartbreakers could be "outed" by concerned friends).

[anechka]

Sounds like a bit of fear-mongering to me.  I've done my share of internet friendships and internet dating, and I've certainly met people like that - but I've also met such people in real life.  Really, I do think that part of the problem is that people let their guard down online, in part due to anonymity, and in part perhaps because it's NOT the real world, and then they get overly attached to someone they've never met and get hurt when the person they built up in their heads doesn't meet their expectations.  This happens in real life too, perhaps less frequently, but it happens. 

Also, I don't think the use of the word "rape" is appropriate.  It's an emotionally charged word, and the use of it in this context, imo, both riles up the bystanders to crusade against the perceived threat, real or not, and diminishes the experiences of people who really had been raped.   

ETA because I missed a word.

[Twik]

Well, I could imagine there are cases where people can be emotionally abused - set up and then broken down, particularly if it involves economic exploitation as well - that it may be a very severe trauma.

But again, this sort of stuff isn't new. It's been around for centuries.

[Texas Mom]

I don't know.  This sounds like a scorned woman writing this to me.
She didn't even give any examples or evidence.

I agree.  There's cruelty and even emotional abuse, but "rape?"  Enough with the rape metaphors already! 

I don't generally disagree with much of the article as to the type of people and what they do to anyone unfortunate enough to become affectionate for them, but the whole "rape" analogy is just over-the-top and melodramatic.

DD said they talked about this in psychology class at college.  Heart Rape was the term used. 

I had coffee with a group of frends this morning (one of whom is a "shrink.")  He said the term  is being used in psychologic/psychiatric circles these days and has several different meanings.  He asked me to send this link to him.......

edited b/c I can't type

[Dragonflymom]

DD said they talked about this in psch class today.  Am I totally out of touch with what happens online?

http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewArticle.asp?articleID=38716

Oh my goodness!  That is alarming.  That is exactly what my ex husband did to quite a few women online during the course of our marriage and after.  I feel sick.

ETA:  I don't know if I'd call it rape, but most definitely emotional abuse.  It sounds so very scarily like him.  And I don't know how far the abuse progressed with any of the women online but with me it was physical as well.

[Virg]

I plucked two statements out of the article, and put them side by side to show how they jumped out at me:

"Statistics tell us that approximately 1 out of 20 people we interact with have, on some level that is destructive, sociopathic tendencies."

"Most people grow up in relatively normal homes where love, affection and truth were modeled. These future victims were taught to be courteous, trusting and compassionate and in the normal course of their lives, have personally encountered nothing untoward that would change their view of the world and the strangers they meet. They’ve heard of evil people on the news and have seen them depicted in movies but have never actually crossed paths with one."

These two statements contradict each other.  If the problem was so very pervasive, it would be unreasonable to assume that "most people" had never crossed paths with them.  The simple answer is that she's describing behavior consistent with an emotional abuser, but she's overextending the scope of one aspect of the problem.  There are people like this out there on the tubes, but I fail to see a monster in every chat room so I find the article to be a bit too dramatic about it.  Emotional abuse can be horrific, but I don't understand why the warnings to take caution online are so dire when this sort of person can just as readily vector in from the next barstool, or the next pew.

Virg

[Dragonflymom]

I plucked two statements out of the article, and put them side by side to show how they jumped out at me:

"Statistics tell us that approximately 1 out of 20 people we interact with have, on some level that is destructive, sociopathic tendencies."

"Most people grow up in relatively normal homes where love, affection and truth were modeled. These future victims were taught to be courteous, trusting and compassionate and in the normal course of their lives, have personally encountered nothing untoward that would change their view of the world and the strangers they meet. They’ve heard of evil people on the news and have seen them depicted in movies but have never actually crossed paths with one."

These two statements contradict each other.  If the problem was so very pervasive, it would be unreasonable to assume that "most people" had never crossed paths with them.  The simple answer is that she's describing behavior consistent with an emotional abuser, but she's overextending the scope of one aspect of the problem.  There are people like this out there on the tubes, but I fail to see a monster in every chat room so I find the article to be a bit too dramatic about it.  Emotional abuse can be horrific, but I don't understand why the warnings to take caution online are so dire when this sort of person can just as readily vector in from the next barstool, or the next pew.

Virg

Its true that you could meet people like this anywhere in your life not just online.  But I wonder if maybe its easier for them to find their victims online because of the anonymity.  That and when you meet someone in person rather than online you will often eventually meet their friends and family, and you observe them interacting with others more.  So possibly it might be easier to tell if something is not right if its someone you just ran across in person.  Online, all you see is what they are typing to you, and how they present themselves, nothing at all about how they interact with people in general.  There might be less of a chance to see any "red flags" so to speak.

[zoidberg]

I totally agree with the other posters who are tired of the rape comparisons creeping nilly-willy into every-day language. The behaviour descriped in the article is emotionally abusive, yes. And some victims have experienced psychological damage *similiar* to that of *some* rape victims, yes.

But first of all, not all rapes are alike. A good friend of mine was brutally raped, beaten up and more or less left for dead. "Emotional rape" does kind of pale in comparison.

[JustaGroom]

Unfortunately, a lot of people use the wore "rape" to mean violated.  When actual rape is way above and beyond mere "violation".  Also overused is the word "holocaust".   I hatewhen people use the wrong words for things.

[Dragonflymom]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

[Bibliophile]

Since the author is currently a real estate agent and used to be a nurse, I think I'd like to know where she got her information from.  Does she really have the knowledge to make blanket statements about these people being unable to benefit from therapy?  According to her profile on there, it doesn't sound like it...

[Dragonflymom]

I didn't notice the author's profile til you mentioned it.  And also the lack of references - very bad of me after taking all those technical writing classes in college.

Still - it sounds so eerily like how my ex operated that I can't help feeling there is some truth to it.  I would love to see her references. 

As for the therapy bit - my ex attempted to go to counselling once after we split up.  He said the counsellor told him that he was so out of touch with reality that not even counselling would save our marriage.  For whatever that is worth.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

Actually i think they are using rape as an attention getter

Shay

[Bibliophile]

As for the therapy bit - my ex attempted to go to counselling once after we split up.  He said the counsellor told him that he was so out of touch with reality that not even counselling would save our marriage.  For whatever that is worth.

Oh, I don't doubt that it's an issue and that some people can't be helped, but the author's profile just didn't sit well with me...  Author of the article, not the OP    I like to know what kind of research background people have when they review a topic like this - at least site a few sources of info or something...

[Dragonflymom]

As for the therapy bit - my ex attempted to go to counselling once after we split up.  He said the counsellor told him that he was so out of touch with reality that not even counselling would save our marriage.  For whatever that is worth.

Oh, I don't doubt that it's an issue and that some people can't be helped, but the author's profile just didn't sit well with me...  Author of the article, not the OP    I like to know what kind of research background people have when they review a topic like this - at least site a few sources of info or something...

It would be interesting to see the sources, and definitely citing some more scholarly research papers as references would be helpful I agree.  And I'm sure you wouldn't have quite the same concerns were the author say a psychiatrist or psychologist.

For me I just read it and thought oh my gosh that's my ex husband.  Yikes!  Or something more unprintable along those lines...
I'm glad the OP found it and posted it here.  Helps convince me more that what happened wasn't my fault.