Heart Rape - Has anyone else heard of this?

[Twik]

Actually, it read to me kind of like a student's essay. While the information in it may be reasonably accurate, it's not an area that the writer has any actual expertise in, or even significant experience with. (Don't articles like that usually have a case study that starts off like "When Jane first met John on the internet, she thought he was a dream come true?....")

Perhaps a topic she was researching for a nursing class?

[Dindrane]

I didn't notice the author's profile til you mentioned it.  And also the lack of references - very bad of me after taking all those technical writing classes in college.

Still - it sounds so eerily like how my ex operated that I can't help feeling there is some truth to it.  I would love to see her references. 

As for the therapy bit - my ex attempted to go to counselling once after we split up.  He said the counsellor told him that he was so out of touch with reality that not even counselling would save our marriage.  For whatever that is worth.

If that's what the counselor told your husband, he must be a rather extreme case of this sort of behavior.  I also think the author was describing a rather extreme scenario and making it sound much more common than I can believe it really is.

People come across others who are sociopaths in real life, so I'm not surprised that those people also exist on the internet.  I also wouldn't be terribly surprised if sociopaths gravitated towards the internet, because I'm sure the anonymity can help whatever it is they are trying to do.  But I seriously doubt that there are enough truly sociopathic people in the US, at least, that 1 in 20 people comes across one (US pop. is ~300 million, so 15 million people would have to encounter a very sociopathic person for that figure to be true - that's twice the population of New York City).

On the other hand, the article does say that 1 in 20 people interact with someone who has "on some level that is destructive, sociopathic tendencies."  That could be as benign as a MIL who is manipulative.  It doesn't mean that everyone on the spectrum of that type of personality disorder is an emotional vampire.  Unfortunately, the author of that article makes it sound like 5% of the population comes across an emotional vampire.

[zoidberg]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

She's amazing. She got herself some very good psychological help and hasn't let it ruin her life. She's a fighter if I ever saw one.

[JustaGroom]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

I like that term, since it is very accurate. 

A childhood friend is a born manipulator, and I have seen what she did to some guys, one being my brother.  How she get inside his head is frightening.  And what she did to my brother definitely qualifies as violation.

[Bob Ducca]

I'm all for cautioning people to beware of beginning intimate relationships on the internet, be they romantic in nature or friendships.  However, the tone of this article certainly wasn't scholarly, and statements like the "1 in 20" are sociopathic on some level come off as hyperbole without sources.  The fact that the author made the victims gender-specific also comes off as pretty unprofessional.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I think much of the article was, if not a fabrication, at the very least an exaggeration written with the intent of scaring women into being more cautious on the internet.  I believe that many vulnerable people do go on the internet and are somewhat reckless when developing relationships, but it is kind of like telling a kid that if they smoke pot once they'll be "hooked for life"- scare tactics don't work really well when the person being scared is old enough to find out for him or herself what is out there.  Honest information and research does much better, IMO.

[Dragonflymom]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

I like that term, since it is very accurate. 

A childhood friend is a born manipulator, and I have seen what she did to some guys, one being my brother.  How she get inside his head is frightening.  And what she did to my brother definitely qualifies as violation.

Your poor brother.  Its good that he has you looking after him.  It is awful when people do this - somehow they mess someone else all up, and yet manipulate so well that they make themselves look completely innocent.  I'm glad you have been able to see through her.

[kethria]

That describes my ex husband to a t.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652

[Flora Louise]

I'm dense I'm sure, but I don't thoroughly understand. The perpetrators deliberately try to cause others to "fall" for them online and then they dump the person? Is that it?

[JustaGroom]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

I like that term, since it is very accurate. 

A childhood friend is a born manipulator, and I have seen what she did to some guys, one being my brother.  How she get inside his head is frightening.  And what she did to my brother definitely qualifies as violation.

Your poor brother.  Its good that he has you looking after him.  It is awful when people do this - somehow they mess someone else all up, and yet manipulate so well that they make themselves look completely innocent.  I'm glad you have been able to see through her.

Actually in my opinion,  the saddest part is they get the victim to think that they deserve to br treated like that, and that they have no value.

[Twik]

I'm dense I'm sure, but I don't thoroughly understand. The perpetrators deliberately try to cause others to "fall" for them online and then they dump the person? Is that it?

Basically, yes. It could be for financial purposes, or it might simply be entertainment to some people.

But people have been doing it for centuries, long before the internet.

[Flora Louise]

Thanks, yeah. I don't get why that's newsworthy, nor why anyone equates it with rape.

[jibby]

Thanks, yeah. I don't get why that's newsworthy. Nor why anyone equates it with rape.

That was my thought as well.  DH has a cousin who actually claims that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  No, sorry, pal, you're just an ***hole.

Equating it with rape is extremely offensive to rape survivors.

[Sahaira]

How about emotionally violated?  Certainly describes how it felt.

Nischi I am so sorry about your friend.  How terrible...

I like that term, since it is very accurate. 

A childhood friend is a born manipulator, and I have seen what she did to some guys, one being my brother.  How she get inside his head is frightening.  And what she did to my brother definitely qualifies as violation.

Your poor brother.  Its good that he has you looking after him.  It is awful when people do this - somehow they mess someone else all up, and yet manipulate so well that they make themselves look completely innocent.  I'm glad you have been able to see through her.

Actually in my opinion,  the saddest part is they get the victim to think that they deserve to br treated like that, and that they have no value.

That's what happened to me. He slowly chipped away at my self-esteem, dangled the "carrot" of his love in front of my nose and made me believe that we could be happy if I just worked harder, gave up more and felt more and more worthless. He got what he wanted out of me (not s*e*x*, thank goodness), but he got his opportunity to hurt me very, very badly whilst being able to look as though he didn't care (and he didn't. He left me when I was in Denver visiting him. Thankfully, a friend of his took pity on me and drove me to the airport).

No, I've never been raped, but "Heart rape" and rape-rape are two different things. Sexual abuse and emotional abuse aren't the same thing, but we use a common word to describe them and I don't see how this is any difference. Abuse is abuse, and rape is rape. "Emotionally Violated" makes a lot of sense, but unless you've been through it, it almost seems to me that you (general) don't think it's a serious thing. I very nearly committed suicide over what the ex did to me and it's going to take me a very, very long time to get over it. I would imagine a sexual rape victim would have had a similar reaction, even if it would have not been the same.

(Knows she'll probably get flamed for this)

[jibby]

...
No, I've never been raped, but "Heart rape" and rape-rape are two different things. Sexual abuse and emotional abuse aren't the same thing, but we use a common word to describe them and I don't see how this is any difference. Abuse is abuse, and rape is rape. "Emotionally Violated" makes a lot of sense, but unless you've been through it, it almost seems to me that you (general) don't think it's a serious thing. I very nearly committed suicide over what the ex did to me and it's going to take me a very, very long time to get over it. I would imagine a sexual rape victim would have had a similar reaction, even if it would have not been the same.

(Knows she'll probably get flamed for this)

I don't think you deserve to be flamed at all. 

While I agree that a rape victim could have a similar reaction (suicidal thoughts/attempts), I don't believe the two abuses are similar.  Emotional abuse in and of itself does not result in STD's or pregnancy, or the anxiety that comes with waiting to see if you have either.  Or having one's character put on trial when one attempts to use the courts to confront the attacker.  There is just too much baggage that comes with an attack that doesn't follow other types of abuse.

I do believe that emotional abuse is extremely serious.  It's another reason why I hate when society gives jerks their own label.  To me, it allows them to blame their abusive behavior on a disorder, instead of owning up to their actions. 

[JustaGroom]

I don't think you should be flamed at all.  All forms of abuse and violation can be very damaging and have long term consequences.  I just think words should have very definite meanings and be used that way.  Then we can all communicate effectively.  When we start mixing terms it takes away from their meaning and desensitizes people.

By using specific terms it enables everyone to understand, and I think lends more impact to the horror of various events.  Because no one has the right to destroy your self worth like you describe.  I understand it has long term effects, my brother has a hard time dating and opening up to people because he expects everyone to try and use him.

I think labeling people is one thing, but we have given up on forcing to people to be responsible.  THings are diseases and people can't help it they are "sick".  And they have no responsibility for controlling their diseases, be in counseling, medicines, etc.