Heart Rape - Has anyone else heard of this?

[Dragonflymom]

I just forwarded the link to a friend who is currently falling all over again for her high school boyfriend whom this article is all about.  She got back in touch with him after all these years and they talk several times a day and e-mail each other (He's about 2600 miles away).

After getting her to believe that she was the love of his life and he regretted letting her get away and all that, he directed her to his MySpace page and she saw the names of other ex-GFs.  He ultimately admitted that he has similar long-distance relationships with 6 other exes.

She is still talking to him and when I asked her why she ripped me a new one by saying that I am the last person she would ever take advice from about relationships.  She is a sitting duck.

Sadly, people like this mess their victims up so much that they don't believe those who are trying to help them, and indeed often blame their friends who are trying to look after them.  I regret that I did this myself when my parents were trying to warn me about my ex.

[Venus193]

JustaGroom, you said it.  I saw this coming back in the spring when she insisted on getting in touch with this guy.  In view of the reason she broke up with him in the first place, I couldn't see any benefit to contacting him.

FTR, he cheated on her with her (then) best friend, who upon the discovery said, "He's way out of your league, honey.  You aren't pretty enough to keep his attention."  She broke up with him.  I'm not sure what else happened next, but she was ultimately still friends with the female friend.  Said female friend stopped calling her a few months ago, just a few weeks after my friend's news about talking to this guy.  My response to that was to ask my friend whether she realized that the other woman could be among the different women this guy was playing these games with.

We shall see.

[Breezygirl]

I have met a woman like this online, she is crazy, a psychopath and unfortunately a lawyer.

She has taken on to sue anyone who dare expose her for what she is. She is a stalker, someone who gets involved in forum members personal affairs, trying to take their children away in people who are involved in custody disputes, a bully, goes out to ruin peoples real lives, their jobs, calling their friends, family and bosses telling lies to try to ruin them, makes up many forum IDs to log in and troll if she gets banned..... and unfortunately she wins, people apologize, back down and the forum leaders of many sites back down to submit others and members  to deal with her and their fate so they themselves do not get sued.

 That sad part is she believes she truely believes she is the victim and her family ignores her actions, anyone she focuses on with her wraith is better in their eyes then them.

[Venus193]

Sadly, people like this mess their victims up so much that they don't believe those who are trying to help them, and indeed often blame their friends who are trying to look after them.  I regret that I did this myself when my parents were trying to warn me about my ex.

It's easy to believe that parents have another agenda when they try to break up relationships.  In this case, she has a talent for self-delusion and no self-esteem.

[Venus193]

UPDATE

After I forwarded the link to this article to her, she actually forwarded it to him with the following message (names and e-mail addresses deleted):

As you can see, my friend Venus sent this to me. I think she's not very subtlely warning me about you--she's been very suspicious ever since we started communicating again--she's the one who called me " an electronic other woman"--which I guess I actually am by now. Anyway--if you read the whole thing, you'll see why the last line or so made me think of Pia Zadora in "The Lonely Lady"--a pop culture reference Venus would totally not get. My response is a line from Tracy Ullman's theme--" They don't know about us---they've never heard of love."
I know you're a little dark-so am I--but I also know you're not evil. " It's my own fault for what happens to my heart" My love for you is trying hard to be unconditional---I don't even think you could kill it now. Call me when you get this--all my love always-F.

This was his response which, while it sounds like he wrote it to her, was addressed to me (I have no way of knowing whether she was bcc'd):

This contains enough horse poopadities to fertilize kansas, nebraska, and most of Montanna.
Tell you friend venus that if she worried as much about her own life as she does yours she might be better off.
People who try to tell other people how to run their lives on-line without benefit of any personal contact or first hand knowledge are predators in their own right. they prey on the gullibility of anyone sad enough to buy into this crap.

In view of this guy's history, this defensive reaction doesn't surprise me.  What I'm trying to figure out now is where to go from here.  I am annoyed with myself for not thinking of the possibility that she would forward this to him, and now I am peevish at not knowing what my best next action is.

[Bob Ducca]

Venus, I'm not sure there is anything else you can do, other than sit back and wait for the fallout.  You tried.

[Venus193]

Probably not.  I would prefer not to be passive-aggressive about it but I don't know whether getting confrontational is useful or not.

I also hate saying "I told you so" but I know the possibility is there.

[Bob Ducca]

When dealing with friends' relationships, one good effort is about all you can do...she can't come back later and say, "Why didn't you try to stop me," but she also can't come back and say, "You were against this from the beginning- you sabotaged me!"

Good luck, I hope it doesn't end too badly.

[Venus193]

She actually accused me of gloating the last time she saw a red flag, but I didn't.

As I typed the above line I thought about how tempted I am to reply to him with her on an open cc saying "She doesn't have to relay this since you obviously told me yourself."

This man is a cad and he's stringing her along, but she is so good at deluding herself.

[Sahaira]

Ah, Venus, what I wouldn't have given to have a friend like you before I flew to Denver to meet the jerk.

A lot of people said they "tried sooo hard to warn me about him, but I was too in love", when they hadn't. I would have made a note of comments like that because, well, I always do. Had someone sent me this article before I went to see him, I would have noticed the warning signs and cancelled the flight.

[Venus193]

The problem is that I have no credibility anymore on this subject because I have never been loved by a man and can't attract them.  Remember that last week she ripped me a new one over that.

I decided this afternoon to wait until she brings this up, which could be never.  I suspect that he is now telling her to drop me as a friend because of this (they talk every day).

[Bob Ducca]

Abusers often do tell their victims to drop friendships, especially when the friend is as devoted and involved as you are.

Lack of romantic experience doesn't equal stupid.  Even if you haven't had a romantic relationship with a man and "can't attract them," you have had social interactions with other people all your life.  She is choosing to discount your advice because she wants to- it just could be that she wants what she imagines this man will do for her more than your friendship right now.

If she does allow him to persuade her to end your friendship, then the ball will be in your court when it all comes crashing down...will you take her back and continue to be her friend and be put through this every time, or will you move on?

[Craxodile]

Well, I could imagine there are cases where people can be emotionally abused - set up and then broken down, particularly if it involves economic exploitation as well - that it may be a very severe trauma.

It has happened to me, and online, at that. (I'm male, the perpetrator was female, though we were never romantically involved). It's as genuinely traumatizing as any other form of abuse, but I wouldn't compare it to rape. Not because it can't be as traumatizing (however these things can be measured and compared, which I'm not sure they can), but because rape is an event and abuse is a process. (If rape becomes a process we call it sexual abuse). So to me it just seems semantically incorrect, leaving aside the emotional issues. Rape is generally a sudden, unexpected event, but abuse involves a lot of grooming and gradual increase in pressure and so on. Both are traumatic, just in different ways.

As for whether 1 in 20 people on the internet are sociopaths -- nonsense. I've been online for 15 years in many areas of the net. I've seen my share of loonies, but only one has ever risen to the level of truly being dangerous. My anecdotes aren't evidence, of course, but I agree that a lot of the essay comes from the general "internet as wild west" impression, which itself comes mainly from neophobia.

[Venus193]

Guess what?  I'm going to move on for the following reasons:

• She has consistently ignored my advice about everything, including stuff not related to this situation
• She has no self-respect
• She refuses to grow up

Swearing to whoever, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to Aunt Pittypat.

[Bob Ducca]

Good for you!  I think you're making the right decision.