Heart Rape - Has anyone else heard of this?

[Texas Mom]

DD said they talked about this in psch class today.  Am I totally out of touch with what happens online?

http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewArticle.asp?articleID=38716

[Phoebe]

I didn't realize it had a name   

[blarg314]

I've met people like this in RL and they really are scary. It's like other people are cardboard cutouts for them, without feelings or wants or an existance independent from the sociopath. They can put on an amazingly good front, but eventually it unravells, generally with a lot of pain.

I can see how the internet would be a fertile hunting ground, as it's even easier to fake on line, and they can pick up naieve, goodhearted, but needy people easily.

[waterwren]

 I know someone online like this..she is out to bed a married man, has no compunction about making it known that she thinks drugging him to get "the job" ( as she calls it) done. And repeatedly refers to his wide and year old son as  "obstacles" - we all know what people do with obstables, right? Scary is not the word. 

[jillybean]

I saw this happen on another board I was involved with.  I didn't realize it had a name or was so pervasive.  It's scary because this board was a lively group of fun women and we all had a great time chatting about our common interest but there was a wolf in sheep's clothing lurking.  I had a hinky feeling about her right away but many others (some in their teens) became fast friends with her and I was shocked to learn they had given this person their phone numbers and addresses.  Needless to say, they were freaking out when her true colors began to show.  We're so concerned about our children getting in trouble on the Internet, but everyone needs to be wary.

[Hanna]

I don't know.  This sounds like a scorned woman writing this to me.
She didn't even give any examples or evidence.

[JocelynCS]

I don't know.  This sounds like a scorned woman writing this to me.
She didn't even give any examples or evidence.

I agree.  There's cruelty and even emotional abuse, but "rape?"  Enough with the rape metaphors already! 

I don't generally disagree with much of the article as to the type of people and what they do to anyone unfortunate enough to become affectionate for them, but the whole "rape" analogy is just over-the-top and melodramatic.

[Hanna]

I don't know.  This sounds like a scorned woman writing this to me.
She didn't even give any examples or evidence.

I agree.  There's cruelty and even emotional abuse, but "rape?"  Enough with the rape metaphors already! 
I don't generally disagree with much of the article as to the type of people and what they do to anyone unfortunate enough to become affectionate for them, but the whole "rape" analogy is just over-the-top and melodramatic.

Exactly!  And the article is totally directed at women, as if there are no men out there that have felt used and discarded?  I've dated a guy that suddenly dropped off the radar.  We were getting along really well, and he gave no reason but just stopped calling.  I figure there could be any number of reasons for this, but never did it cross my mind that he was pathological!

[alecmari]

There are Internet psychos and RL psychos.  I don't think its uncommon.

I do take great umbrage at the word rape be tossed around so casually.  Rape is a very serious crime and what they are discussing is in no way rape.  Rape could be the plunder of a town or the sexual rape of a woman.  It is not what they are talking about.  The Americas were raped during the conquest.  I fail to think of a famous rape case off the top of my head but you get what I'm saying.

[Dindrane]

I agree that it sounds like she's coming from the perspective of a "woman scorned," since she seems to address the topic as though men can't be targets.

I also seriously doubt that there are many people who truly have a narcissistic personality disorder.  Certainly they exist, but most people would show a mild form or only tendencies, rather than a full blown disorder.  In much the same way that many people can be compulsive and/or obsessive about certain things, but far fewer actually have an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The other thing that really gets me about articles like this is that it reinforces that the internet is this bad, scary place where normal people get hurt all the time.  I just don't think that's true, and I don't think that people get hurt on the internet any more often than they get hurt in real life.  It's just another medium for it.

[I can get a little bit defensive about life on the internet because I met my BF on the internet.  When we met, he was half a world away.  Now, three years later, we live in the same city and have a completely healthy relationship.  And neither of us lied about who we were.]

[baconsmom]

There are Internet psychos and RL psychos.  I don't think its uncommon.

I do take great umbrage at the word rape be tossed around so casually.  Rape is a very serious crime and what they are discussing is in no way rape.  Rape could be the plunder of a town or the sexual rape of a woman.  It is not what they are talking about.  The Americas were raped during the conquest.  I fail to think of a famous rape case off the top of my head but you get what I'm saying.

This was my thought. I've known people like this - low grade sociopaths - and yeah, they were jerks to me, but their behavior in no way resembled rape. Not even anything close.

[Sahaira]

I'm shaking after reading that article. It describes my ex (the ninja) to a T. When I read this part

"The narcissist feels no true emotions. They are incapable. The “love” they feel for the source disappears immediately when the victim’s usefulness runs its course or when a seemingly better qualified source of supply is noticed. They are able to go their merry way without the encumbrance of guilt or remorse. "

I felt sick to my stomach. I could have written this article a year ago.

And having been through it, I don't believe "rape" is an inappropriate word to describe the situation at all. Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it isn't an emotionally devastating violation.

[Trisha]

I agree.  There's cruelty and even emotional abuse, but "rape?"  Enough with the rape metaphors already! 

I totally agree with you.

1.   the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2.   any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
3.   statutory rape.
4.   an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
5.   Archaic. the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
–verb (used with object)
6.   to force to have sexual intercourse.
7.   to plunder (a place); despoil.
8.   to seize, take, or carry off by force.
–verb (used without object)
9.   to commit rape.

I don't believe that force or violence is used in this. Yes, its a mean thing, its cruel and no one should be treated like the article is talking about, however rape? They're not even close to being the same IMO. Emotionally cruel, yes. However there are many people who are abused mentally and emotionally, and they're not considered rape victims.

[blue2000]

I know people who toy with others feelings, both online and IRL, and they are in no way sociopathic, they are just seriously immature. Think '10 yr old on the playground, trying to get attention' type mentality. And they won't get a lasting relationship out of it because they don't WANT one. They want to play. If someone expresses hurt, their reaction is to be upset and embarrassed "I didn't mean it that way! Why are you yelling at me? I just wanted some fun!"

The article does not seem to make this distinction. It lumps all the jerks together into one convenient label. Yes, there are sociopaths on the net. There are also garden-variety jerks, immature people, drunks, druggies, and all sorts of other 'winners'. You should be careful of all of them, but panicking over possible sociopathic tendencies is not a good way to go.

[straightnochaser]

I have always been of the belief that no one can do to you what you don't allow.  In affairs of the hearts ESPECIALLY.  I have done my share of online dating/meeting for the past eight years.  Eight years ago, online sites weren't the cesspool they are today, although you still had your share of undesirables.  Now?  I wouldn't think of ever meeting anyone online.  With the surge of nutballs, crazies, con people (men and women), you got to know "people just ain't right". 

The online community is made up of most who dress themselves up to be that knight in shining armor or that hot beauty girl.  In reality, the computer is the shield they use to hide all their maladies.  Sad really, because there are alot of people who are new to the internet dating scene that really take these undesirables at their word.

Bottom line, you must be careful if you do indulge in the online world.