Family and Christmas

[stanthedevil]

Some people don't know how to handle grief very well.  Older men especially were trained with mentality that "boys don't cry".  Having just this one incident, I would be willing to venture this guess.  Perhaps your FIL is really quite upset about DS #3 having have surgery.  He may be a little frightened and nervous of the unknown (especially if he was raised in an era where even minor surgery was truly an ordeal).  The fear and nervousness combined with an inability to express his feelings well translates into fixating on something he can control: Christmas dinner.

I don't know for sure.  Perhaps he is just a mean, cantankerous man.  But maybe, just maybe he's a grandfather who is scared for his grandson and doesn't know how to express it.

[MelJill]

You may well be onto something if this is a one-off for the FIL.

However, I do know that there are quite a few people in the world who are so 'the world revolves around me' that the charitable read would be off.

Obviously, dinners can be rescheduled with greater ease than surgeries.  Even non-emergency surgery, I think the more salient questions are dr/support availability, OR availability, patient's condition ... not 'does this clash with dinner plans?'

[Evil Duckie]

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[gr_gal1993]

"Rude and ungrateful?"  Is there oxygen on his planet?

I really don't think so.  If it did, then he might be a bit worried about his grandchild.

Best wishes to the OP's little one!!!!!!!!

[Clara Bow]

It's not you who was rude, it was DS#3 and frankly I blame bad parenting. At this point he should have been taught that needing medical attention in the month of December, and really any time from Thanksgiving to New Year's is a huge faux pas. I mean, would you let him wear white shoes after Labor Day?? Same difference here!
I think your FIL is out of his tree. I'm sorry you had to go through that, all joking aside. Now, let me find my jaw, I heard it hit the floor somewhere around here....

[WithoutIssue]

...
I would love for anyone else in the family to handle Christmas get together. No one will do it so for family peace we have been doing it.

Then for you to have peace (in your heart and mind), may I be so bold as to suggest that you stop 'handling the Christmas get together' and let them fight it out amongst themselves. Always being the peacekeeper can be tiring and in the longterm could be emotionally dmamging. This is especially true when some of the parties involved (eg your FIL) have no real intention of improving the situation.

[Oxymoroness]

FIL told us that we are rude and ungrateful because we won't reschedule surgery for the family Christmas.

Umm... Not that getting anything medical scheduled is easy in the first place, I'm stunned that your FIL can be so callous.

I certainly hope your son feels better soon!

[fklwmn]

I wish that I could say that this was a single event.

Unfortunately FIL is one of those people who has to be the center of attention. He will not go to any of the grandchildren's events because as he put it, " There is no one important there".

I would love for anyone else in the family to handle Christmas get together. No one will do it so for family peace we have been doing it.

*gasp!* please tell methat you are kidding or exagerating about this. I just can't believe his grandkids don't count as someone important!!!

[freakyfemme]

egad, some people get so completely unglued at the prospect of celebrating Christmas on any other day than the 25th- and i don't get why!! Geez it seems like christmas already lasts the entire month of December- who cares if you get together on the 24th, 25th or the 29th?? it really all feels the same to me, doesn't it to you??

anyway,. I'd make a mention on how YOU didn't schedule the surgery date- YOU aren't performing the surgery, you are at the mercy of the surgeons and the hospital schedule yeesh.

Pod.  Even if surgery isn't an issue, multiple celebrations on Christmas Day to keep the peace among the extended family can be too much to handle for a lot of people (both children and adults).  It's much more pleasurable and less stressful to spread things out a bit and be able to fully enjoy everything for what it is, at the time, than cramming multiple, rushed visits, and probably multiple large holiday meals, all into one day.  Seriously, I really don't see what's fun about waking the kids up at the crack of dawn, making them leave the presents they just got from "Santa," packing them into the car, and then taking them to Grandma's for Christmas morning, Aunt Margaret's for Christmas lunch, and Uncle Murgatroid's for Christmas dinner, while remembering to bring the correct gifts and potluck contributions for people at each house, and packing gifts from THEM into the trunk for the drive home, and explaining to little Johnny five thousand times that no, he CAN'T play with his K'nex set from Uncle Murgatroid yet, because you don't want all the pieces to go missing before you get home (and having to deal with the ensuing tantrum), and THEN inevitably having to call a steam-cleaning service on the 26th to clean partially-digested turkey from the inside of your car, because the toxic relatives INSISTED that Johnny and Tziphaknee "try a bit of everything," and accused them of being "ungrateful" even though they already had stomach aches? 

[goblue2539]

Freaky just described essentially the reason we were thrilled that my stepdad's family wants to celebrate on a day other than Christmas.  And then the fun began.  We still don't know when we're actually going to celebrate or who's going to be able to be there because they didn't agree to change it until Thanksgiving.  Oh, and the reason we don't have a date yet is because my stepuncle's 17 yr old stepdaughter is starting a job at Kmart and we don't have her schedule yet.  Let me add even more detail.  22 other people are waiting for a 17 yr old's work schedule to decide IF we're going to celebrate Christmas together.  But, all the rest of us who have to work for a living are expected to either take time off or just show up to the celebration late... or leave early.  She is the ONLY one we're making accomodations for.  And the only reason is because stepuncle agreed to host.  One more thing... he wouldn't contact his own children about the date. 

sorry, didn't mean to take over with my rant.  Back to your regularly scheduled topic.

[MsEva]

I wish that I could say that this was a single event.

Unfortunately FIL is one of those people who has to be the center of attention. He will not go to any of the grandchildren's events because as he put it, " There is no one important there".

{{{hugs}}} I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I totally understand what you are saying. Are you married to one of my DH's brothers??

[JeanFromBNA]

Attending to illness and tragedy always takes precedence over a social event. 

As another poster has suggested, I'd opt out of the work for this ungrateful gathering.  Is it worth spending your limited time with someone, no matter how closely related, who puts his whims ahead of your son's health?

[Ehelldame]

I wish that I could say that this was a single event.

Unfortunately FIL is one of those people who has to be the center of attention. He will not go to any of the grandchildren's events because as he put it, " There is no one important there".

I would love for anyone else in the family to handle Christmas get together. No one will do it so for family peace we have been doing it.

The solution is simple.  Tell FIL the date is XXXX. Ignore all comments and demands he makes.  Inform the family of the date and time.  Those who want to come, will come.  Those who don't, won't.   That's assuming you should even host a family holiday event in the first place.

 I wouldn't sweat it since anyone who cannot see the importance of placing family health above parties isn't worth your emotional investment.  Your first priority. responsibility and obligation is to your immediate family and the health of your spouse and children.  If surgery conflicts with the family celebration, screw the family celebration.  And anyone who has a fit over it can go suck on a candy cane in the private loneliness of their own home. 

[Venus193]

I wish that I could say that this was a single event.

Unfortunately FIL is one of those people who has to be the center of attention. He will not go to any of the grandchildren's events because as he put it, " There is no one important there".

If surgery conflicts with the family celebration, screw the family celebration.  And anyone who has a fit over it can go suck on a candy cane in the private loneliness of their own home. 

Brilliant!

[IndianInlaw]

Apparently he thinks scheduling surgery is like scheduling a dog grooming appointment.  There aren't openings all over town with surgeons clamoring for your business.

He most likely knows and just doesn't care.

He wants your son's recovery to be delayed so everyone can have his idea of a holly jolly Christmas?

I have a lump of coal with his name on it.

You can throw it at him.