Re: lack of reciprocity - I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because the apparent lack of interest is obviously very hurtful. But...
I'm one of those people who has ALWAYS been very bad at maintaining contact with friends who were no longer nearby. Of the three girls who were my bridesmaids in my wedding, I've managed to keep track of only one, and that's mostly because she still maintains contact with my mom and brother.
I don't want to say that this wasn't a case of devaluing the friendships, because part of me thinks that if I valued the friendships so much, I *would* have made the effort to keep in touch - but I can sincerely say that it wasn't meant maliciously or hurtfully, even though it probably was hurtful. I grew up in a family that wasn't very demonstrative, that didn't place a lot of emphasis on keeping in touch, and that didn't really model social behavior. My father hated talking on the telephone. My brother and I are the same way. I never got the hang of calling folks just to check in. I'm fairly sure that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that I have to remind myself to call my mother, who is still grieving the unexpected loss of my father a few months ago, and for whose sake I found the freakin' job that gave us the opportunity to move much closer to her in case she needed us. I love my mother and I want nothing but the best for her, but remembering to call her - or anyone I care about - is honestly something that does not come naturally to me. I tend to be very passive in my relationships.
Since I've moved, I've made a conscious effort to keep in touch with my friends in Ohio, who are some of the best people I've ever known. That and the conscious effort I make to check in on my mother are mostly thanks to my lurking on this message board for the last year or so - I learned that not keeping in touch was hurtful to some people, and I decided that I wouldn't hurt my friends or my mother by doing that.
But seriously, thank goodness for e-mail. I must have some sort of social phobia about phone calls, because I still can't promise that I would be able to maintain any long-distance friendships if my only alternative was to actually talk to someone - even my best friend! - on the phone.
Right, back to the topic at hand - I'm sorry for your losses, aloe. I know that it can hurt to feel like you're the only person who thinks the relationship is important enough to keep it going. I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse to think that this is very likely not a reflection of how they think about you.