Old Friends Fading Away

[aloe]

I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject: Old friendships fading away and lack of reciprocity.
I grew up on the East Coast and have lived on the West Coast since 1980.  I am very pleased with the friends I have where I live and also with my life with my husband.
(I am age 50 and we have no children)
Of all the friends I had back East, only one remains.  I much appreciate her.
I visit New York at least once a year to visit family.
I had two friends, one I met at age 14, another who was a college roommate.
I noticed that through the years, I was the one who kept the friendships going.  I'd write or call a few times a year, and with one of them, e-mail.  I noticed that they always seemed very happy to hear from me, but they never initiated any contact.  I dropped down to a call or e-mail every couple of years, then four years and then after that, I stopped.
In 2002, I dropped one a short e-mail, "Hi-What's new?"  She wrote that she had just gotten married two weeks ago.  I congratulated her, knowing now I would not contact her again.  Two years before, my husband and I met her for tea at her apartment--I hadn't seen her in about ten years, and I suggested that we go out to dinner together.  She declined, saying that she was busy.  That rubbed me the wrong way, too.
So, years have passed and I haven't heard from either of them.  I don't intend to contact them again.  One-way friendships are not worth it!
There was never any falling out or arguments with them in the past; the friendships just died.  Geography might have a lot to do with it, I guess.
It makes me sad thinking about it.

[StaciNadia]

That would make me sad, too.      Putting in effort time and time again without it being reciprocated.  I'm sorry that your friendships have ended.

Call or write to your East Coast friend and thank her for being your friend!   

[Bijou]

I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject: Old friendships fading away and lack of reciprocity.
I grew up on the East Coast and have lived on the West Coast since 1980.  I am very pleased with the friends I have where I live and also with my life with my husband.
(I am age 50 and we have no children)
Of all the friends I had back East, only one remains.  I much appreciate her.
I visit New York at least once a year to visit family.
I had two friends, one I met at age 14, another who was a college roommate.
I noticed that through the years, I was the one who kept the friendships going.  I'd write or call a few times a year, and with one of them, e-mail.  I noticed that they always seemed very happy to hear from me, but they never initiated any contact.  I dropped down to a call or e-mail every couple of years, then four years and then after that, I stopped.
In 2002, I dropped one a short e-mail, "Hi-What's new?"  She wrote that she had just gotten married two weeks ago.  I congratulated her, knowing now I would not contact her again.  Two years before, my husband and I met her for tea at her apartment--I hadn't seen her in about ten years, and I suggested that we go out to dinner together.  She declined, saying that she was busy.  That rubbed me the wrong way, too.
So, years have passed and I haven't heard from either of them.  I don't intend to contact them again.  One-way friendships are not worth it!
There was never any falling out or arguments with them in the past; the friendships just died.  Geography might have a lot to do with it, I guess.
It makes me sad thinking about it.

I know what you mean.  I had some friends in another area and eventually I realized I was the one keeping the contact going so I just stopped and that was that, except that out of the blue one of them contacted me and I was happy and surprised, but it didn't continue.  I still enjoy what minimal contact I do have with her, but don't go out of my way to maintain it.  
Maybe your friend who declined dinner really was very busy, especially if she didn't realize you would be in town, and really couldn't go out to dinner, but I understand that you would be hurt by that.  
I had a friend from work who lived back east.  After years of no contact he decided to move out to the west coast and contacted me.  We met him for coffee that time and went to the beach.  Then, a few months later, he showed up at my work (we used to work together) to visit with me.  He told me he went around the neigborhood calling my name trying to find my house and that when he did find it he pounded on the doors and called out but no one answered.   That made me wonder what was going on with him.  I haven't heard from him since then (that was about three years ago).  

[sammycat]

It certainly can be sad when old friendships die away, and it seems to happen more and more as people move about.  I've lost contact with most of my high school friends - a lot of us kept in touch for the first 5-10 years but over the last 8 years or so I've lost contact as we all move on.  On the odd occasion we run into each other it's fun to catch up, but I don't expect to keep in contact. (I moved countries during high school so didn't have as many HS friends as I would have had I attended the same one for 5 years).  I've replaced them with new friends that I've met through having children and other activities so I try not to dwell on the past too much. 

My playgroup mums will be celebrating 10 years this month and in the past two years or so some of us have drifted away from others, due mainly to geographical moves, but also I think some of us just outgrew each other. We are still all in contact with at least one other person in the group so occasionally we do all meet up which is nice.  I'm honestly surprised we're all together in some form after this long, so it'll be interesting to see what happens in the future. 

It is annoying when it feels like it's a one way street if (general) you are the one always initiating the contact and they are probably the ones that are the saddest to lose.  I'd rather lose a friendship due to it simply dying away than because of a big fight though, as at least the final memories aren't bad ones.

[Verruca]

Re: lack of reciprocity - I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because the apparent lack of interest is obviously very hurtful.  But...

I'm one of those people who has ALWAYS been very bad at maintaining contact with friends who were no longer nearby.  Of the three girls who were my bridesmaids in my wedding, I've managed to keep track of only one, and that's mostly because she still maintains contact with my mom and brother.

I don't want to say that this wasn't a case of devaluing the friendships, because part of me thinks that if I valued the friendships so much, I *would* have made the effort to keep in touch - but I can sincerely say that it wasn't meant maliciously or hurtfully, even though it probably was hurtful.  I grew up in a family that wasn't very demonstrative, that didn't place a lot of emphasis on keeping in touch, and that didn't really model social behavior.  My father hated talking on the telephone.  My brother and I are the same way.  I never got the hang of calling folks just to check in.  I'm fairly sure that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that I have to remind myself to call my mother, who is still grieving the unexpected loss of my father a few months ago, and for whose sake I found the freakin' job that gave us the opportunity to move much closer to her in case she needed us.  I love my mother and I want nothing but the best for her, but remembering to call her - or anyone I care about - is honestly something that does not come naturally to me.  I tend to be very passive in my relationships.

Since I've moved, I've made a conscious effort to keep in touch with my friends in Ohio, who are some of the best people I've ever known.  That and the conscious effort I make to check in on my mother are mostly thanks to my lurking on this message board for the last year or so - I learned that not keeping in touch was hurtful to some people, and I decided that I wouldn't hurt my friends or my mother by doing that.

But seriously, thank goodness for e-mail.  I must have some sort of social phobia about phone calls, because I still can't promise that I would be able to maintain any long-distance friendships if my only alternative was to actually talk to someone - even my best friend! - on the phone.

Right, back to the topic at hand - I'm sorry for your losses, aloe.  I know that it can hurt to feel like you're the only person who thinks the relationship is important enough to keep it going.  I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse to think that this is very likely not a reflection of how they think about you.

[aloe]

Thanks for your replies 
Yes, Verruca, what you say makes a lot of sense.  There are many people who don't find it easy to write or call, and it's true that often that's just the way they are, and it's not a personal thing about me.
It's funny how there are some old friends I've lost touch with whom I don't feel sad about their lack of reciprocity because I've accepted that it's the way they are.  Yet, there are others, such as the two friends mentioned above, which I feel the sting of sadness about.
I think  maybe it's because of the depth of emotion about the memories: at those times long ago, they were the few friends I had.

[Coruscation]

I'm amazed that you could find anyone who reciprocates at all. We lived about 20 minutes out of town growing up and I think three people came to visit us in ten years. My mother always went nuts scheduling visits to all her friends and relatives on her two or three trips to town each week. She was always the one to call and arrange things. No one else could be bothered although they always seeemed happy to see her.

I haave one out of town friend and make a conscious effort to visit her half the time when a special trip is made. Everyone else, if they won't be bothered, I can't be either.

[Adah]

I'm sorry you experienced this, but unfortunately, it is so common. My family or I when I was an adult moved about once every 5-7 years. Each time I would try to maintain friendships; most faded because of geography. I still do have friends from various "stages" of my life but they are the ones who also reciprocate. I wouldn't write these people off completely. Some day they may come back into your life. Just be open to it and know that some friendships ebb and flow.

[cocacola35]

I'm also experiencing this with a couple friends of mine.  The three of us were roomates in college and we all enjoy each other's company, but I'm the only that keeps things going and I'm getting tired of it.  I'm the only one who really calls or writes and half the time they don't make much of an effort to get back to me.  I chalk it up to thoughtlessness and just being busy, but it still makes me feel crummy that I seem to be the only one that cares if we remain in contact.  One of them just got pregnant and I figure that once she has the baby the relationship between us will be all but over- she barely kept contact with me after she got married, so believe me when I say I can see where this is going.  I may just resort to mailing them christmas cards once a year.   

It is really sad when friendships die and the best thing to do is put yourself out there and make new friends- something else I'm learning to do. 

[Cupcake Fiend]

I always feel like the only one to initiate too, and initiating anything is really hard for me.

I have a dread of calling people which seems to be getting worse as I get older.  It is VERY hard for me to pick up the phone and make a call, for any reason, be it to talk to a friend or order a pizza.  I make DH do it whenever possible, but he has caught on to me and now tries to encourage me to make more calls.  It is even like this when I want to call my pseudo-sister, who I have known since the third grade.

There have been so many wonderful people in my life, but I wonder how different it could be if I was just better at staying in touch.  And then I wonder why they don't ever call me.  But when I think about our lives, we are all just so busy.  I have two preschoolers, work full time, my DH is running his own business out of our house, etc.  I have friends who, in addition to being parents, are also working, going to school, running businesses etc.  And whenever I think "oh I haven't seen so-and-so in such a long time, I should get in touch with her" -- well, that thought might occur in the middle of bath time.  So by the time the boys are out of the bath, dried and pajamad, tomorrow's outfits chosen and put together, the bathroom straightened up, the dinner dishes done, the load of laundry thrown in...suddenly it's too late to call anyone.

It just sucks sometimes 

[wetblanket]

Two years before, my husband and I met her for tea at her apartment--I hadn't seen her in about ten years, and I suggested that we go out to dinner together.  She declined, saying that she was busy.

This is a situation where the kind, friendly thing to do is to suggest an alternative or offer some sort of reciprocation.  To say "No, I'm busy" and leave it at that comes across as a signal that you (general) are not interested in maintaining the friendship, or not if it requires making an effort.

I think many people are totally unaware of the signals they send with their behaviour.  They just bumble along assuming that whatever they do is OK, or that everyone around them will make allowances for any faux pas.

The thing is, you (general) can cut people only so much slack.  It's no fun to be the only one making an effort at the friendship, and if a friendship isn't fun, then why bother?  Why spend time and energy on people who won't do the same for you?

I have no patience with people who claim that their relationships/friendships are important to them but whose behaviour contradicts it.  Talk v. walk.

But it feels crappy to find yourself being the one to make the effort and realizing that if you stop, the friendship will die.  That's the hard part.  I don't have an answer for that one.

[aloe]

The positive thing about it is that you appreciate even more the old friends who do reciprocate and care.   

[Lisbeth]

This seems to have happened to me with someone I thought of as a good friend (among other things, she helped me with my job search).  I guess she just got really busy or somethng, but she never responds to E-mails or phone calls from me, so I'm about ready to just give up.  It hurts. 

[kingsrings]

I've been in this boat a couple of times too, and it hurts. For instance, in college, myself and two other girls were very close friends and spent many fun times together. We were the Three Musketeers! We had such great times together. Now years have passed, and one girl has moved to another country, and the other has moved to another state. I'm the only one still in town! I do keep in frequent email contact with the overseas girl, so that is at least something, even though our conversations have to be very brief due to reasons beyond our control (long story). But the other girl I have barely talked to in the past few years, and it really hurts. She wanted the three of us to all join myspace along with her and keep in contact via that, but I don't want to become a member of myspace because I like my privacy. My emails to her were never answered, so I guess she figures its myspace or nothing as far as contact. I have such fond memories of our past, and it's nice to reminisce about them, so it's sad to think that I can't do that with them much these days. But I always say if I ever get married, the two of them are automatic maids of honor.
With another friend from the past whom I shared great times and memories with, I cut him off completely because it came to the point where he would return my calls through a third party and only contact me via a mass email sent to a bunch of people. He would go on and on with a phony apology, saying that he was just soooo busy that he couldn't contact people individually anymore. We got into an email fight over that, and I cut off the friendship. He got wayyy too big for his britches and full of himself, so that was it. I will not stand for being part of a 'mass friendship'.

It would just be so nice to be able to keep in consistent contact with all old friends in our past, but is that really possible or realistic anymore for anyone?? Sad, but true.

[snappylt]

I'd like to offer a suggestion:  If you enjoy being in touch with your old friends, why not go ahead and be the one who maintains contact?  I know maybe it hurts your feelings, being so low on your friends' priority lists, but if you can swallow the hurt, it might be pleasant to stay in touch anyway.

I think maybe my wife is like your friends.  She rarely ever initiates contact with her old friends.  She thinks of them often, I know, because she will mention them frequently.  But, between her work and our children and her family, she is so overwhelmed with her own life that she rarely ever contacts any of her old friends.

I have tried suggesting that she pick up the phone and call, or that she write a short e-mail, but she always has something else she feels like she must do.  For years, I would send two of her old friends Christmas cards and sign both of our names.  (Yes, I would write a few paragraphs inside, in my own handwriting, telling them about the births of our children, etc.)  Finally, I stopped doing that when we stopped hearing back from both of her friends...

Anyway, I know that if one of my wife's friends would pick up the phone and call, my wife would be thrilled to hear from her.  I don't know that my wife is ever going to change and be the one to initiate contact...