General Etiquette > Life...in general

Old Friends Fading Away

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aloe:
I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject: Old friendships fading away and lack of reciprocity.
I grew up on the East Coast and have lived on the West Coast since 1980.  I am very pleased with the friends I have where I live and also with my life with my husband.
(I am age 50 and we have no children)
Of all the friends I had back East, only one remains.  I much appreciate her.
I visit New York at least once a year to visit family.
I had two friends, one I met at age 14, another who was a college roommate.
I noticed that through the years, I was the one who kept the friendships going.  I'd write or call a few times a year, and with one of them, e-mail.  I noticed that they always seemed very happy to hear from me, but they never initiated any contact.  I dropped down to a call or e-mail every couple of years, then four years and then after that, I stopped.
In 2002, I dropped one a short e-mail, "Hi-What's new?"  She wrote that she had just gotten married two weeks ago.  I congratulated her, knowing now I would not contact her again.  Two years before, my husband and I met her for tea at her apartment--I hadn't seen her in about ten years, and I suggested that we go out to dinner together.  She declined, saying that she was busy.  That rubbed me the wrong way, too.
So, years have passed and I haven't heard from either of them.  I don't intend to contact them again.  One-way friendships are not worth it!
There was never any falling out or arguments with them in the past; the friendships just died.  Geography might have a lot to do with it, I guess.
It makes me sad thinking about it.

StaciNadia:
That would make me sad, too.    :(  Putting in effort time and time again without it being reciprocated.  I'm sorry that your friendships have ended.

Call or write to your East Coast friend and thank her for being your friend!   ;D

Bijou:

--- Quote from: aloe on January 14, 2007, 09:47:46 PM ---I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject: Old friendships fading away and lack of reciprocity.
I grew up on the East Coast and have lived on the West Coast since 1980.  I am very pleased with the friends I have where I live and also with my life with my husband.
(I am age 50 and we have no children)
Of all the friends I had back East, only one remains.  I much appreciate her.
I visit New York at least once a year to visit family.
I had two friends, one I met at age 14, another who was a college roommate.
I noticed that through the years, I was the one who kept the friendships going.  I'd write or call a few times a year, and with one of them, e-mail.  I noticed that they always seemed very happy to hear from me, but they never initiated any contact.  I dropped down to a call or e-mail every couple of years, then four years and then after that, I stopped.
In 2002, I dropped one a short e-mail, "Hi-What's new?"  She wrote that she had just gotten married two weeks ago.  I congratulated her, knowing now I would not contact her again.  Two years before, my husband and I met her for tea at her apartment--I hadn't seen her in about ten years, and I suggested that we go out to dinner together.  She declined, saying that she was busy.  That rubbed me the wrong way, too.
So, years have passed and I haven't heard from either of them.  I don't intend to contact them again.  One-way friendships are not worth it!
There was never any falling out or arguments with them in the past; the friendships just died.  Geography might have a lot to do with it, I guess.
It makes me sad thinking about it.

--- End quote ---
I know what you mean.  I had some friends in another area and eventually I realized I was the one keeping the contact going so I just stopped and that was that, except that out of the blue one of them contacted me and I was happy and surprised, but it didn't continue.  I still enjoy what minimal contact I do have with her, but don't go out of my way to maintain it.  
Maybe your friend who declined dinner really was very busy, especially if she didn't realize you would be in town, and really couldn't go out to dinner, but I understand that you would be hurt by that.  
I had a friend from work who lived back east.  After years of no contact he decided to move out to the west coast and contacted me.  We met him for coffee that time and went to the beach.  Then, a few months later, he showed up at my work (we used to work together) to visit with me.  He told me he went around the neigborhood calling my name trying to find my house and that when he did find it he pounded on the doors and called out but no one answered.   That made me wonder what was going on with him.  I haven't heard from him since then (that was about three years ago).  

sammycat:
It certainly can be sad when old friendships die away, and it seems to happen more and more as people move about.  I've lost contact with most of my high school friends - a lot of us kept in touch for the first 5-10 years but over the last 8 years or so I've lost contact as we all move on.  On the odd occasion we run into each other it's fun to catch up, but I don't expect to keep in contact. (I moved countries during high school so didn't have as many HS friends as I would have had I attended the same one for 5 years).  I've replaced them with new friends that I've met through having children and other activities so I try not to dwell on the past too much. 

My playgroup mums will be celebrating 10 years this month and in the past two years or so some of us have drifted away from others, due mainly to geographical moves, but also I think some of us just outgrew each other. We are still all in contact with at least one other person in the group so occasionally we do all meet up which is nice.  I'm honestly surprised we're all together in some form after this long, so it'll be interesting to see what happens in the future. 

It is annoying when it feels like it's a one way street if (general) you are the one always initiating the contact and they are probably the ones that are the saddest to lose.  I'd rather lose a friendship due to it simply dying away than because of a big fight though, as at least the final memories aren't bad ones.

Verruca:
Re: lack of reciprocity - I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because the apparent lack of interest is obviously very hurtful.  But...

I'm one of those people who has ALWAYS been very bad at maintaining contact with friends who were no longer nearby.  Of the three girls who were my bridesmaids in my wedding, I've managed to keep track of only one, and that's mostly because she still maintains contact with my mom and brother.

I don't want to say that this wasn't a case of devaluing the friendships, because part of me thinks that if I valued the friendships so much, I *would* have made the effort to keep in touch - but I can sincerely say that it wasn't meant maliciously or hurtfully, even though it probably was hurtful.  I grew up in a family that wasn't very demonstrative, that didn't place a lot of emphasis on keeping in touch, and that didn't really model social behavior.  My father hated talking on the telephone.  My brother and I are the same way.  I never got the hang of calling folks just to check in.  I'm fairly sure that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that I have to remind myself to call my mother, who is still grieving the unexpected loss of my father a few months ago, and for whose sake I found the freakin' job that gave us the opportunity to move much closer to her in case she needed us.  I love my mother and I want nothing but the best for her, but remembering to call her - or anyone I care about - is honestly something that does not come naturally to me.  I tend to be very passive in my relationships.

Since I've moved, I've made a conscious effort to keep in touch with my friends in Ohio, who are some of the best people I've ever known.  That and the conscious effort I make to check in on my mother are mostly thanks to my lurking on this message board for the last year or so - I learned that not keeping in touch was hurtful to some people, and I decided that I wouldn't hurt my friends or my mother by doing that.

But seriously, thank goodness for e-mail.  I must have some sort of social phobia about phone calls, because I still can't promise that I would be able to maintain any long-distance friendships if my only alternative was to actually talk to someone - even my best friend! - on the phone.

Right, back to the topic at hand - I'm sorry for your losses, aloe.  I know that it can hurt to feel like you're the only person who thinks the relationship is important enough to keep it going.  I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse to think that this is very likely not a reflection of how they think about you.

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