Author Topic: So, She's Been Gone For Years, But This Still Bothers Me--Was I at Fault?  (Read 3015 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Yarnspinner

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3388
The thread about interrupting neighbors while they are watching their favorite TV program brought to mind my ex-sister-in-law.  We'll call her Suzie, because my mean nickname for her was Suzie Psychopath.

This is really a question of "Did I bring on my own problems?" 

Suzie and her sisters used to get together and go places--but never invited me.  This did not bother me at all since I figured THEY were sisters.  THEY deserved some private time. I certainly didn't need to be included in every thing they did.

However, Suzie always felt I was snubbing her if I didn't invite her along when I was off with my friends.

Two cases in point:

a) My Mom had just died.  (Among Suzie's comforting comments "Well, now I can serve Easter dinner the way I want to.")  I'd been staying with my father at his in-law apartment (connected to the house my brother and Suzie owned.)  It had been about two weeks and I was gearing up for another week before I went back to work (I live about an hour and a half away).  Two of my friends decided to cheer me up by taking me with them to a special event in Boston. I was kind of pleased to be spending time alone with my buddies since Suzie had been driving me crazy for two weeks.  Inspite of my sadness, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and being away from the family for a day.

Suzie  had chewed my brother and father out all that day, telling them  how rude it was for me not to invite her along.  "Even if I didn't want to go, it would have been nice to be asked!"

b) Suzie often mocked my family's practice of taking flowers to family graves on Memorial Day and other special occasions.  "There's no one in there," she would say "just rotting flesh and bones.  It's morbid and gross to keep going."

BUUUUTTTTTTTT............I came home one weekend so Dad wouldn't be driving around alone to the various gravesites spread out over two states.  When we got home, Suzie tore into us for not inviting her.  "You never include me in anything!"  "But you said you HATE going to grave sites," we protested.  "Well, it would still be nice to be asked!  You never ask me to go anywhere with you!"

From that time on, if my friends were visiting me at their home, if we were going out for a bite to eat, even if I was just running down to the corner store, I would make a big show of asking her if she would like to go.  She always said no.  And sometimes she even complained that I asked her.

Is it any wonder I was singing "that" song from The Wizard of Oz when she and my brother announced their divorce?

So was I being rude by not inviting her?  I don't see how something my friends planned for just US could be stretched to include her and after that big presentation on how gross cemeteries were, I didn't see a point in asking.  But even my brother said "You really never do ask her to do anything with you and your friends," I thought maybe I was wrong.  (Of course, brother was ignoring the fact that I had invited her to my home on numerous occasions for various hen parties and adventures with my buds and she always declined because they weren't her cup of tea. That's a whole 'nother story.)

Thanks for listening.  This has been chewing at me for almost four years now.

Gileswench

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 333
It's time to stop chewing: Suzie was a headcase.

She mostly seems to have wanted to find something to complain about regarding you. That leaves you in a position of darned if you do, darned if you don't.

You're well rid of this vile person.

IndianInlaw

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8887
Would it have been fair to your friends to invite a psycho to events they were taking you to?  Especially someone you didn't like?

Chocolate Cake

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5138
Suzie Psychopath was a good nickname for her.    She was/is a nutcase and you shouldn't at all feel responsible for anything regarding her.  She was a manipulator and a drama queen and I hope you enjoy not having her in your life any longer.




Crazy TKD_girl

  • Used to be cnada
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 542
  • me, in TKD class
    • Chrisnada's Journal
b) Suzie often mocked my family's practice of taking flowers to family graves on Memorial Day and other special occasions.  "There's no one in there," she would say "just rotting flesh and bones.  It's morbid and gross to keep going."

Taking flowers to grave of your loved ones is not morbid. I always thought you did it out of love & respect. My mom & aunt take flowers to my grandma's grave a few times a year.
What in hades is her problem anyway? Besides, if it gives people comfort, why should anyone else care?
Good thing I don't know her--If she said that to me, I probably would have punched her.

Clara Bow

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 18183
  • I gotta go.
It's time to let this one go. You cannot please everyone, especially not someone like her. She's too high-maintenance. I'm glad you're not dealing with her anymore.
I have finally found the bar I can't get thrown out of....

Evil Duckie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3962
  • This is not the duck you are looking for
    • My dragon scroll
You were not rude. She just wanted something to complain about or to be in control of.

You and your family will have a happier life without her in it anymore.

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 26232
Quote
Two of my friends decided to cheer me up by taking me with them to a special event in Boston. I was kind of pleased to be spending time alone with my buddies since Suzie had been driving me crazy for two weeks.  Inspite of my sadness, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and being away from the family for a day.

Suzie  had chewed my brother and father out all that day, telling them  how rude it was for me not to invite her along.  "Even if I didn't want to go, it would have been nice to be asked!"
Well, technically, your friends invited you, not her. It would have been rude for you to bring someone not invited.

And since they didn't know her well, there's no reason for them to invite her. And apparently some very good ones for them not to.
Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality.

MineralDiva

  • "Diva"
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2910
  • "I shall plant my feet and let them have it!"
Sounds like one of those damned if you do or if you don't, situations.  So goo dof you for doing what was best for you!

aloe

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 389
She sounds like the Queen of Passive-Aggressive and horrifically rude to boot.
Good riddance.
I understand your pain, sometimes thinking back on hard things like that does hurt even years later.

sammycat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4934
Re: So, She's Been Gone For Years, But This Still Bothers Me--Was I at Fault?
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2007, 05:23:59 AM »
I can well understand why you sang that song when she and your brother divorced.  Suzie's a fruit cake.  She really proved that old saying of 'you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.'  Did she not have any friends of her own? (I'd be surprised if she did).  Were her sisters her only social outlet? 

Sterling

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2969
    • Oh Stupid Me- Blogs about Things That Drive Me Crazy
Re: So, She's Been Gone For Years, But This Still Bothers Me--Was I at Fault?
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2007, 10:49:16 AM »
I don't see why you had any reason to invite her to everything you did.  My sister and I live across the street from each other and while I visit with her and we do go shopping and such I never actually invite her out with my friends.  She doesn't know them and has little in common with them.  You are entitled to your own life.  This the one time when you can actually assume entitlement.  If you wanted a close relationship with her it would have been nice to SOMETIMES ask her to do things but you were not required to always include her.
93 93/93

Yarnspinner

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3388
Re: So, She's Been Gone For Years, But This Still Bothers Me--Was I at Fault?
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2007, 12:34:25 PM »
Thanks, guys.  Logically, I knew I wasn't at fault.  Emotionally, though...you know how when you start to examine a thing in small detail you start to say "Well, maybe I could have done things differently...."

Suzie was, socially, something of a washout I guess.  She never went to college, but had supported herself for years.  By the time she married by brother, he was (I think) her fourth marriage.  (And no, I don't know WHY he married her--he said he thought he was in love.) 

She was always on me for considering my friends' feelings  ("friends come and go" she said "but your family is forever.") in any situation, but would later complain that she had no friends.  Every club she joined was "full of snobs" (read: they didn't want to change everything to suit HER), every job she took was full of mean people who didn't like her(read: she knew better how to do everything).  When my Mom passed away, Suzie expressed total shock when a dozen of my friends made the hour and a half drive to attend the wake and the funeral.

"Why are THEY here?" she demanded.

"They are my friends," I said "and we support each other."

"That's amazing," she kept saying (over and over) "that anyone would drive that far just to go to your mother's funeral. Even my family didn't come for the wake!  Why would your friends do a thing like that?"
(as if they had committed some big etiquette faux pas).

Her sisters did, in fact, seem to be her only close friends and she was constantly having falling outs with them.  She had one friend who was the (then) wife of my brother's acquaintance.  Friend was a major alcoholic.  They had a falling out during a trip to a country I will not name, but will mention it is famous for it's liquor, it's storytellers, it's alcoholics and it's constant religious struggles.  It seemed that Friend wanted to spend all her time in the bar, drinking and chatting up the locals.  My cousin was their travel agent and she said that she didn't blame Friend for drinking after she spent a few hours on the phone with Suzie.  When Suzie complained to ME I said "Look, I told you you were taking a talkative lush to a country famous for it's talkative lushes and you laughed at me."  (She was also critical of the food, the fact that there seemed to be bars everywhere, that they "drove on the wrong side of the road" after she and Friend got into a fender bender--we told them to get a eurorail pass, but NOOOOOOO--and the fact that no one spoke English the way we do here.  Hello--foreign country.) 

Oh, she was a piece of work and a half. 

And I DID try to invite her places with my friends and I on other occasions.  But if she couldn't plan it, she didn't want to go.  Many control issues there.

Oh well, thanks for letting me vent!


sammycat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4934
Re: So, She's Been Gone For Years, But This Still Bothers Me--Was I at Fault?
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2007, 06:08:44 PM »
It sounds like Suzie could win $100 million in the lottery and would still find some way to complain about it.

("friends come and go" she said "but your family is forever.") LOL  In this instance at least, it's the reverse - the family (her) has gone but the friends have stayed.