General Etiquette > Life...in general

When You've Had To Drop A Friend

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Clara Bow:
I was very close with a friend of mine until recently. He was like a brother to me for close to thirteen years, he and his brother and mother are among my dearest friends.
But he (Jeff) got into some very extreme views that I cannot condone. He joined a like-minded group, and it broke my heart. Jeff is not a stupid follower type person, he's not the kind of person who you would ever see doing something so awful. I was floored and outraged. I have nothing but the deepest contempt for that kind of attitude and I could no longer in good conscience associate with him. I stopped calling him and returning his phone calls.
The problem is that he still calls me out of the blue every few months. I've tried reasoning with him and it always ends up with me furiously angry and outdone and frankly hurt. I've told him that until he stops with this group and gets back to being the person I knew I cannot have any part of him. He got mad and called me closed-minded (he's conforming to very negative views with little question about them but I'm closed-minded? Oooookaaayyy.) and dropped out of my life. But a few months later, he called me back.
I can't really go into telling what he's into due to it's inflammatory nature. But it's way far away from anything I condone or would be a part of. How do I make it clear that I can't be involved with someone who believes as he does?
His mother and brother also abhor what he's doing, his mother is livid about it. She and I don't really talk about it much because it upsets us both.

aloe:
This happened about ten years ago. I had a friend that I'd see on occasion.  One time, she offered to send me a travel brochure after I had expressed interest in it.  She mailed it to me and I thanked her for it.

A few weeks later, I had lunch with her.  While we were eating, she asked me for the 29 cents she spent on postage for sending me the brochure.  I was floored and speechless, but I gave her the 29 cents.

After lunch, I went grocery shopping with her.  She was checking out and realized that she needed to put something back because it was 5 cents too much.  There was a long line of customers behind us, and here she was what seemed like an eternity messing around about 5 cents.  She's not so poor that she has to count every cent.

I decided then and there that she was too weird and decided not to see her anymore.  I dodged her by telling her I was too busy whenever she tried to contact me. 

Gigi:
Auntie Venom, I'm sorry you've lost your friend.  It's really difficult when someone you love "goes over to the dark side." Is there any chance he's actually suffered some kind of breakdown which caused this personality change?

MsEva:
If you cannot accept the fact that his views are polar opposite from yours then it is time to end the friendship for your sake as well as his. I don't think that giving an ultimatium to him that he must change his views to maintain the friendship is the right thing to say either.

You say he is not stupid, so I'm guessing that he made his choices of his own free will. There's nothing you can do about that. Sometimes people will radically change their views for reasons known only to themselves.

All you can really do is end the friendship. The only explanation you need to give is that your lives have taken different paths. I wouldn't try to argue or reason with him, or get him to change his views. It hasn't worked and you're only hurting yourself.

{{{hugs}}} I lost a "brother" like that too, and it's an awful feeling.

ccnumber4:

--- Quote from: MsEva on January 16, 2007, 09:28:44 AM ---The only explanation you need to give is that your lives have taken different paths.
--- End quote ---

I think this is the way to go, here.  It's sad all around, but this response lays blame on no one and doesn't disrespect either of your views. 

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