When You've Had To Drop A Friend

[Clara Bow]

I was very close with a friend of mine until recently. He was like a brother to me for close to thirteen years, he and his brother and mother are among my dearest friends.
But he (Jeff) got into some very extreme views that I cannot condone. He joined a like-minded group, and it broke my heart. Jeff is not a stupid follower type person, he's not the kind of person who you would ever see doing something so awful. I was floored and outraged. I have nothing but the deepest contempt for that kind of attitude and I could no longer in good conscience associate with him. I stopped calling him and returning his phone calls.
The problem is that he still calls me out of the blue every few months. I've tried reasoning with him and it always ends up with me furiously angry and outdone and frankly hurt. I've told him that until he stops with this group and gets back to being the person I knew I cannot have any part of him. He got mad and called me closed-minded (he's conforming to very negative views with little question about them but I'm closed-minded? Oooookaaayyy.) and dropped out of my life. But a few months later, he called me back.
I can't really go into telling what he's into due to it's inflammatory nature. But it's way far away from anything I condone or would be a part of. How do I make it clear that I can't be involved with someone who believes as he does?
His mother and brother also abhor what he's doing, his mother is livid about it. She and I don't really talk about it much because it upsets us both.

[aloe]

This happened about ten years ago. I had a friend that I'd see on occasion.  One time, she offered to send me a travel brochure after I had expressed interest in it.  She mailed it to me and I thanked her for it.

A few weeks later, I had lunch with her.  While we were eating, she asked me for the 29 cents she spent on postage for sending me the brochure.  I was floored and speechless, but I gave her the 29 cents.

After lunch, I went grocery shopping with her.  She was checking out and realized that she needed to put something back because it was 5 cents too much.  There was a long line of customers behind us, and here she was what seemed like an eternity messing around about 5 cents.  She's not so poor that she has to count every cent.

I decided then and there that she was too weird and decided not to see her anymore.  I dodged her by telling her I was too busy whenever she tried to contact me. 

[Gigi]

Auntie Venom, I'm sorry you've lost your friend.  It's really difficult when someone you love "goes over to the dark side." Is there any chance he's actually suffered some kind of breakdown which caused this personality change?

[MsEva]

If you cannot accept the fact that his views are polar opposite from yours then it is time to end the friendship for your sake as well as his. I don't think that giving an ultimatium to him that he must change his views to maintain the friendship is the right thing to say either.

You say he is not stupid, so I'm guessing that he made his choices of his own free will. There's nothing you can do about that. Sometimes people will radically change their views for reasons known only to themselves.

All you can really do is end the friendship. The only explanation you need to give is that your lives have taken different paths. I wouldn't try to argue or reason with him, or get him to change his views. It hasn't worked and you're only hurting yourself.

{{{hugs}}} I lost a "brother" like that too, and it's an awful feeling.

[ccnumber4]

The only explanation you need to give is that your lives have taken different paths.

I think this is the way to go, here.  It's sad all around, but this response lays blame on no one and doesn't disrespect either of your views. 

[Lisbeth]

I'm very sorry.  It's very painful when people who were good friends suddenly change for the negative.  The only thing you can do is stop associating with them.

[blue_bunny_paz]

Oh dear, that is a nasty situation. Quite frankly, from what you've described and if I have read the situation correctly then the more involved with this group he gets, the more it will take over every aspect of his life.

It seems he already resents your attempts to talk to him about issues, so I agree with other posters that you may just have to write off that friendship. It's very sad, especially with so much history, but once you get in with that sort of crowd it has to be you that takes the initiative to remove yourself. I'm sure you can imagine the sort of propaganda and nonsense these groups put out about people like you who are just looking out for a friend.

The only thing I can suggest is that you support the mother and brother, and don't lose touch with them. while his mother may not want to talk about it, I would imagine you staying in contact will give her strength. That and you don't want to lose three friends.

[Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007]

I was friends with someone for several years, we got along well and saw each other often but were not BFF or anything.  Suddenly me and a few other friends noticed him making hateful remarks where he never had before, and we asked him about it.

He had gotten imbroiled in an organized hate group, not sure how, but it happened.  Me and the other friends quickly droped out of his life after he started targeting us because we had "dirty friends" (his words not ours), we tried to discuss this with him, but his mind was made up, and he expected us to change to suit him, and could not understand why we would not change. It was very difficult, and he was just a casual friend.  I cannot imagine how this must be hurting you.

Good Luck!

[Clara Bow]

Jeff has joined a hate group as well. I was hesitant to mention that that was what it was because I frankly find it a bit embarrassing to know someone in that kind of thing. I know that I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum and if it was something less extreme (like a change of political party or church) I wouldn't have. This group scares me. He claims they're nonviolent but come on...I've seen a documentary or two and read news stories in my time...
I know I have to let it drop and I have, it's just so painful. Thank you all for the support.

[FoxPaws]

I'm so sorry this has happened. Seeing this change come over your friend must be like standing on the shore watching him drown, knowing he's too far out for you to save him. You have to just let him go.

I agree with the "separate paths" solution. If he calls, just say that the two of you no longer have enough in common to spend time together.

Not to stir up trouble, but you might want to remind his mom and brother to keep a close eye on their finances and valuables. These groups operate like cults. It would also not hurt to do a little research on the group itself so you all know what you're dealing with.