What to do, what to do, what to do?

[Oxymoroness]

If Smarter is willing to build a relationship with BF's sister, and be a good influence in her life, then that would be a wonderful thing that could get her going on the right track, not just health-wise, but in every other way.  Every girl should have positive older female influences in her life, there doesn't seem to be an older sister in the house, and it sounds like her mother is kind of falling down on the job.  I was a firstborn myself, so there were a lot of things I either had to figure out on my own, ask my friends to teach me (like how to put on make-up, for example), or just make do without knowing.  But, if Smarter steps up to the plate and is willing to be that person for this girl, then I think she'd have a much better self-esteem and quality of life.  Even if she doesn't actually lose that much weight from Smarter's influence, she'll at least feel better knowing that she's "important" enough for her brother's "cool" friends to take an interest in.

Here's a problem though. Smarter would be setting herself up as a mentor. Do we even know that the girl wants help? Do we know that she has poor self esteem? Is she really miserable? Does she even care about her brother's friends? Is her mother really that bad?

Eating and exercising, yes. Her parents have short-changed her. But otherwise, they could be good parents. Afterall, no parent is perfect.

Besides, if things are as bad as some make them out to be ... if Smarter cannot follow-through than she could potentially do far more harm than good.

[sparksals]

The OP should say nothing to the little girl.  She knows she's overweight.  She's probably teased to no end at school.  All she wants is to be loved and accepted exactly as she is.  Pointing out that she is obese will only hurt her feelings and smash any self esteem she has. 

The best thing she can do is to love her just the way she is. 

[IndianInlaw]

Keep in mind the 3 C's

You didn't cause it,

You can't control it

You can't cure it.


The best you can do is set a good example.

[madmusician]

The OP should say nothing to the little girl.  She knows she's overweight.  She's probably teased to no end at school.  All she wants is to be loved and accepted exactly as she is.  Pointing out that she is obese will only hurt her feelings and smash any self esteem she has. 

The best thing she can do is to love her just the way she is. 

May I please repeat what I've been saying all along? I do NOT want to hurt her. I know talking about it would hurt her. I know trying to force her into change would hurt her. All I wanted was suggestions for how to be a good role model to her.

[sparksals]

And my suggestion was to love and accept her exactly as she is.  That would be the absolute best role model for her. 

[Twik]

Best things I can think of:

If you're planning on taking part in gentle physical exercise, ask her if she wants to come along. Even going out shopping at the mall would be moving around, and not reaching for something to eat.

Cooking a nice low-cal meal would be good, IF you don't tout it as such. Maybe get her interesting in cooking with you, and helping choose the menu. If you've struggled with weight, maybe you can make her feel responsible for helping YOU by picking nutritious food.

I agree that sitting down and saying, "Kidsis, you're fat, and we'll have to do something about it" is very unlikely to be helpful. If she simply won't follow your lead, just realize she's not ready, and accept that. Boyfriend might talk to his parents about getting medical help, but it would be out of line for someone not a direct relative, I think.

[madmusician]

I had an idea and thought I might run it by you guys first.

What if I asked her for help? For example "Ash, my Dr has told me that I need to get out and walk more. The only thing is, I hate walking because I get really bored and lonely. Would you please help me? We could go to the mall together every Saturday.." or something to that effect.

Would this be an effective method?

Also I like the idea of cooking with her, because I love to cook.

[sparksals]

I had an idea and thought I might run it by you guys first.

What if I asked her for help? For example "Ash, my Dr has told me that I need to get out and walk more. The only thing is, I hate walking because I get really bored and lonely. Would you please help me? We could go to the mall together every Saturday.." or something to that effect.

Would this be an effective method?

Also I like the idea of cooking with her, because I love to cook.

She would see through it as a guise to get her to exercise and a hint that she needs to lose weight. 

[RandomAngel]

The OP should say nothing to the little girl.  She knows she's overweight.  She's probably teased to no end at school.  All she wants is to be loved and accepted exactly as she is.  Pointing out that she is obese will only hurt her feelings and smash any self esteem she has. 

The best thing she can do is to love her just the way she is. 

I would agree completely if she were 25, but the girl is 12.  She's not nearly fully-formed as a person yet, and that is exactly when role models are a great idea--not to bash her or to replace parents, but to model a different set of behaviors from the ones she typically sees.  She deserves to know she has options.

I like the mall idea, and having her help cook, although I agree with the poster who felt that asking her to help you fulfill fictional doctor's orders will likely backfire.  Maybe just something like, "I really feel like getting out.  Want to come to the mall/local park/windowshop downtown with me?" 

I live in NYC, and I used to have a friend who called one night to ask if I wanted to take a walk.  I soon found out that she felt like walking fairly briskly up and down about 20 city blocks, zigzagging at the end of each column so that she didn't cover the same ground.  She was afraid I would take it wrong if she described it as exercise over the phone (I was distinctly un-thin), but she didn't think she would go if she was alone, and wanted company.  Because we were close and she made it clear that this was a thing she did and that we could stop for coffee instead if I wasn't in, it never occurred to me to doubt her motives, and it ended up being a regular thing.

If nothing else, seeing that mild exercise can be a voluntary thing, rather than a chore, might help. 

[sparksals]

The OP should say nothing to the little girl.  She knows she's overweight.  She's probably teased to no end at school.  All she wants is to be loved and accepted exactly as she is.  Pointing out that she is obese will only hurt her feelings and smash any self esteem she has. 

The best thing she can do is to love her just the way she is. 

I would agree completely if she were 25, but the girl is 12.  She's not nearly fully-formed as a person yet, and that is exactly when role models are a great idea--not to bash her or to replace parents, but to model a different set of behaviors from the ones she typically sees.  She deserves to know she has options.

I agree that being a positive role model is a not bad thing.  That can always be positive.  However, anything surrounded by the little girl's weight, or even remote hints about it, will not be met positively and will only make her think lower thoughts of herself. 

[Oxymoroness]

I had an idea and thought I might run it by you guys first.

What if I asked her for help? For example "Ash, my Dr has told me that I need to get out and walk more. The only thing is, I hate walking because I get really bored and lonely. Would you please help me? We could go to the mall together every Saturday.." or something to that effect.

Would this be an effective method?

Also I like the idea of cooking with her, because I love to cook.

Lying is always a foolhearty solution at best.

I realize that your intentions are good. But I caution you not to let her girth fool you into thinking that she's not smart. Even at 12, she'll see right through the lie.

Now if you really do want to go walking with her, then say so but don't elaborate (reasons are never mandatory and sometimes do get in the way). If you really want to be a role model then share your life and let her decide for herself what new habits she wants to adopt.

[madmusician]

Y'all are right, it wasn't the best idea. But for the record, my Dr DOES say I need to get out and walk more, and I really cant get motivated unless I have someone walking with me. Still, I'll keep with other suggestions Ive read here.

[Oxymoroness]

Y'all are right, it wasn't the best idea. But for the record, my Dr DOES say I need to get out and walk more, and I really cant get motivated unless I have someone walking with me. Still, I'll keep with other suggestions Ive read here.

If it's an honest motivation, then go for it. Just make sure that you want her there for the pleasure of her company and not because she's obese.

[Cellardoor14]

Just my experience:

When I was fourteen my mom told me that her gym membership had be upgraded and she could now take a guest every time she went to exercise.  She then ask me to come along for company.

I thought it was brilliant because:
1.) I was doing something "adult".
2.) I found out that exercise didn't have to be about sports or competition. 
    There are TONS of ways to burn off energy, most of which where never discussed in public school gym.
And most important:
3.) I actually found I enjoyed doing it.

In fact, when I started working at sixteen one of the first things I purchased was a gym membership.  I have belong to various gyms since.

My point is: I was slightly overweight in my early teens.  I know now my mom paid to upgrade her membership so I could come along, but I didn't see that at the time. Though that may be down to not being the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Maybe inviting your BF kid sis on walks could be helpful?







                                               

[freakyfemme]

Y'all are right, it wasn't the best idea. But for the record, my Dr DOES say I need to get out and walk more, and I really cant get motivated unless I have someone walking with me. Still, I'll keep with other suggestions Ive read here.

You know what I think might help?  I was just thinking about this earlier.....buy a puppy.  I know that sounds stupid, but everyone knows that puppies need lots of exercise, right?  And, if this girl (Ashley, right?) is like most twelve-year-old girls, she'd probably be *very* enthusiastic about helping to take an adorable new puppy for walks.  If she doesn't like animals, then maybe a Dance Dance Revolution game is the way to go instead.  It's like a video game, only you dance on a floor pad instead of using a hand-held controller.