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Help with situation with friend

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J-M:
Hello, I hope I am posting this in the right section, but I could really use some help in dealing with a situation with a friend of mine, who I'll call N.

For some background, N and I are longtime friends, but because she now lives in Europe and I'm in Canada, we don't see each other often. Instead, most of our communication is through the internet. In September, she paid her first visit to my new home for our wedding. She was our MoH and visited for two weeks before the wedding. While here, she met C, who was one of my DH's groomsmen. They hit it off and had a pretty intense relationship while she was here. When the wedding was over, of course she had to go home, but they called and talked via the internet frequently.

In the meantime, my husband and I were very lucky and conceived a honeymoon baby. I'm now five months pregnant, but we had several problems early in the pregnancy, which required me to be on bedrest for more than a month. N was thrilled to hear about the pregnancy and I asked her to be godmother to our child - something we'd talked about for years.

In November, while I was still on bedrest, N contacted me and told me she was going to be spending Christmas with C, who is finishing another degree in a different province. She asked if she could spend a day or two with us before travelling on to see C because she was unable to get connecting flights. Of course, no problem with that. If there were still problems with my pregnancy, my Dh would drive the two hours to the airport either way and pick her up/bring her back. Thankfully, however, my situation improved and I was back on my feet soon after.

Two weeks before she was scheduled to come, N contacted me and told me she'd broken up with C. Her tickets to Canada weren't refundable, but the flight within Canada to see him was. She asked to stay with us over Christmas. I agreed, although I warned her I would have to work during her visit for four days and she'd be home alone during that time. I also told her that I'm constantly exhausted with the pregnancy and would need to go to bed early. She said she was fine with all that.

When she arrived, though, things were a different story. She moped the entire time she was here. The only time she seemed happy was when my DH played video games with her. I told her to help herself to anything in the fridge while I was at work; when I came home, she'd gone through our deep freeze and eaten most of the cookies my mom had sent us. It's difficult dealing with someone day in and out with a frown on her face. She also complained when I had to go to bed early. I tried staying up and usually ended up falling asleep in my chair.

She's since gone back home. But she's already talking about coming to visit in June when the baby is due. I don't want that - my parents and brother are travelling from another province to meet our baby/help me. My OB tells me I'll need a c-section, so I don't feel I can entertain after having major surgery and while adjusting to a newborn. My family's a different story - I don't have to entertain them, they'll help me. I've tried telling N. this, but she just doesn't seem to get it.

She's also planning to come, naturally, to the baptism, likely in September. That will be happening in my home province, which is about eight hours travel from where we live. We have a hyundai accent and two dogs - fitting us and that baby gear in will be a tight squeeze. I've told her this and suggested that she flies directly to the airport in my home province, but she says it'll be more fun to have a "road trip" with DH, dogs and infant. I don't know how we can fit her in the car physically, but she says she'll ride with our shih tzu on her lap if need be. Leaving the dogs in a kennel isn't an option either. She also says she intends to stay for several weeks in September to visit with me and the baby. I'm not sure how well that will work with the baby's schedule or our finances with me on maternity leave.

How can I politely tell my friend that we can't accommodate her in our vehicle and that a visit when I've just had a baby isn't welcomed? I don't want to hurt her feelings, she's been depressed since breaking things off with C, but I also don't want to be a pushover. Because most of our contact now is via the internet, I don't want to take the risk of whatever I write coming out wrong and hurting her feelings.

I appreciate any help anyone can offer, I'm sorry this ended up being so long!

SunkissableOne:
Are there other people going from where you live now to your home town province that she might know?  Or maybe if she so desperately wants go with you, have her rent a car (SUV) when she flies in.  That way if she's staying with you, she can go about her business if she feels like it so she's not always there with you.  Also, if she rented an SUV then everyone could just travel in that.  I'd tell her that there really isn't much room and then suggest the SUV option.  As far as staying with you...it sounds like you're pretty close.  Could you just explain to her that money is tight with you on maternity leave?  Surely she'd understand right?

blue_bunny_paz:
Ooh, that's tricky. It may be that she's cheered up by then and is back to her old self, but she doesn't seem to be considering the practicalities of the situation.

Maybe if you make it clear, as gently as possible, that if she is there soon after the birth you will need her help, rather than taking care of her. Maybe she doesn't know much about newborns but make it clear that a new baby does not make an easy atmosphere for guests.

It also seems rude that she has invited herself to stay and expects you to drive her. we all want to keep in touch with friends but there has to be a limit. I'd say be firm with it, you don't want to have a new baby and a mopey friend to deal with all at once!

JoyinVirginia:
Absolutely, positively, you must tell her very clearly that she CANNOT expect to come and stay in your home after the birth of your baby. You will be tired, you will be up at odd hours feeding the baby at least for the first month to 6 weeks, you will need to sleep when the baby is sleeping - and believe me, you will be unable to stay awake for very long. Hopefully you will have an uneventful recovery from C-section, but you will be having SURGERY. you and DH and the rest of your family will be focused on getting to know the newest member of your family, and spending time BECOMING a family. Any non-family house guests really will negatively impact that process.

You have to just say NO. "N, If you insist on coming in June you will have to stay elsewhere. We will not have room with family staying. DH and I will only be able to have you come and visit at our home briefly, so you will have to make your own plans as to what to do the rest of the time. YOU CANNOT STAY WITH US and WE CANNOT ENTERTAIN YOU."

For the other part, tell her it is waaay to early to be talking about what you can and cannot do about the christening, travel arrangements, etc. For all you know, you might trade in the car for a minivan by then, or you might decide the last thing you want to do is drive all that way with a baby, you might have puppies by then, who knows? You have to say "if you fly into our town, you might end up driving all that way by yourself. will that be ok?"

Best Wishes, Joy in Virginia   

sammycat:
Tricky.  Can you tell her that with all your family staying there simply won't be room for her to stay too?  Tell her that if she comes she'll have to stay in a hotel due to lack of room and you'd hate for her to come all that way, spend all that money, and then not be able to see you often as you'll be busy with the baby/recovering from the c-section/not able to drive.  Mention 'doctors orders' - no visitors other than family.  Hopefully she wouldn't be the type to think she is the exception to that.

She simply cannot stay with you at that time, because despite all her best intentions and promises she will undoubtedly want to be entertained.  Even if she didn't want to be entertained, just the presence of anther person can inhibit your ability to relax/breastfeed/lie in pyjamas all day.  The last thing you need at that time is to be worrying about an extra house guest, especially one who may mope about again.  I had to have a Cesarean type operation for an ectopic pregnancy and I know how bad I felt physically (won't even go into emotionally) afterwards and I didn't have to add looking after a newborn into the mix.  While I was recovering from that I was wondering how on earth mothers who have caesarians cope with looking after new babies' as well. The thought of having anyone other than my immediate family around at that time would be unthinkable.

Also, try fobbing her off about the September visit by telling her you don't know yet what the extact situation will be.  Maybe mention that you are considering flying up instead of driving, so it's best that she go ahead and book her flight now so as not to miss out.

Are you worried that by not allowing her to come and visit in June and drive up with you in Sepetmber that she will pull out of being the godmother?  I can certainly understand those concerns if you have them, but immediatelty following the birth of your child is one of those few times you are allowed to be selfish and say 'no' your intention to visit does not suit us'.

Just as an aside, she must have a pretty good job situation to be able to take all these holidays.

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