What to do about inappropriate gifts?

[unnalee]

Hi all!  I've been lurking for a long time, and finally have something to post about.

Here's the situation.  I'm a high school teacher and this is my second year at my current school.  I teach mostly 11th & 12th graders, so my students are between the ages of 16-18.  I'm 26.  I have one particular student who has made it pretty clear he has a crush on me.  He often tells me that I look nice and says we should run away together (to which I remind him that I'm married).  It's always been done jokingly and it's never reached a creepy point.  He's just hormone driven and craves some positive attention from a female figure (he doesn't have the greatest homelife), though I have informed our guidance office of his comments, just in case he ever crosses the line.

Well, the kids found out it's my birthday this coming weekend and now this student has been telling me everyday how many days are left until my birthday.  He asked me today what I wanted for my birthday.  I joked and said I wanted everyone to pass exams next week.  Here's my etiquette question:  If he shows up with a gift for me, what should I do?  I know you're supposed to thank the giver for any gift, even if you don't want or like it, but what if it's inappropriate for your relationship (like student to teacher)?  I don't want to embarrass the kid, but I don't want to jeopardize my job by acting inappropriately.  What do you all think?

UPDATED:  See below...

[IndianInlaw]

Ask the principal, that way you can cover your butt.

[kckgirl]

Your school/district must have some sort of policy about teachers accepting gifts from students. If it's allowed, I'm sure there are guidelines that make sure everything remains appropriate. If the student brings you something that doesn't fit in with the published guidelines (too personal, too expensive, etc.), you can return it with an explanation that should spare the student's feelings and still not make you uncomfortable, something like: "John, I thank you for thinking of me, but according to school policy, I cannot accept this gift."

[unnalee]

Thanks for the advice so far, but it isn't that easy.  Our "wonderful" principal (sarcastic - he's totally ineffective and incompetant) is out of town all of this week for an administrator's conference and our guidance counselor is out because her father just passed away.  My first thought was to check our school policy on accepting gifts from students, but no such policy exists.

[kckgirl]

Do you work for a school district? I'm sure you're not the first teacher who had a question about accepting gifts. Go above the school to the district, if you work in one. If not, make a personal policy.

"John, I thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot accept this gift."

If you want to explain, even if it's only your personal policy, you can say it's too expensive (I'd say no more than $5-10) or too personal (candy is okay, perfume is not). My thought is anything more than a birthday card with maybe a candy bar attached is too much for a student to give a teacher. Okay, I might accept a coffee mug, too.

Good luck. Maybe you'll find by Friday afternoon that you have nothing to worry about.

Edit: I meant to add Happy Birthday!

[Rose2Bear]

Maybe if he does give you a gift you will luck out and it would be appropriate - a box of candy (not Godiva chocolates though), a candle, a glass apple, some ballons, a teacher-ish book or flowers (though red roses might be different). Something like that, which you could display on your desk for everyone to enjoy, would probably be OK. If this happens to be the case I'd say just accept the gift then display them for everyone to look at/share and write him a thank you note but of course keep it professional - don't sign your first name or anything too "friendly."

If he does give you an inappropriate gift, such as something overly romantic or whatever, I'd just thank him but tell him in private that while you appreciate his thoughts you can't accept this gift as his teacher.

He's not 7, or even 13, he sounds old enough to know better.

[Clara Bow]

And keep letting guidance know what's going on. Teenage boys are harmless for the most part, but...I'm sure this kid is just "hot for teacher" as so many of them get at times (my hubby had it bad for a biology teacher, but he was too shy to even dream of saying anything to her!).

[ShadesOfGrey]

Do you work for a school district? I'm sure you're not the first teacher who had a question about accepting gifts. Go above the school to the district, if you work in one. If not, make a personal policy.

"John, I thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot accept this gift."

If you want to explain, even if it's only your personal policy, you can say it's too expensive (I'd say no more than $5-10) or too personal (candy is okay, perfume is not). My thought is anything more than a birthday card with maybe a candy bar attached is too much for a student to give a teacher. Okay, I might accept a coffee mug, too.

Good luck. Maybe you'll find by Friday afternoon that you have nothing to worry about.

Edit: I meant to add Happy Birthday!

ITA. Is there HR in your building? Asst. Principal? Keeper of the records? If not, go to the district. If no policy, make your own policy.  Good for you for notifying guidance about your situation.

good luck!

[Sharnita]

If you have a union rep ask them.

There is also a teachers web site: teachers.net that you can go to and ask a mutitude of teachers what they suggest

teaching in a Catholic school I got gifts from many of the kids at Christmas. In the inner city school where I teach it is rare. A couple of years one of my girls gave me a gift. When I unwrapped it I saw it was Chicken Soup for the African American Soul. This made me giggle to myself since I am definitely not African American.

[Slartibartfast]

I would be very surprised if there were a policy against accepting gifts - I remember giving my elementary school teachers small gifts each Christmas, and it was a pretty normal thing in my hometown for that age range.  If he does bring you something you don't feel comfortable keeping, just say "Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't take this.  I appreciate the thought, though."  Repeat as necessary :-)

[artk2002]

I would be very surprised if there were a policy against accepting gifts

It does happen.  My son's school discourages individual gifts to teachers, in part because there is a wide range in economic resources and some gifts can get very extravagant.  Instead, the room parents collect voluntary donations and purchase one gift on behalf of the whole class.  There's a similar pool and gift purchase for the administration and support staff.

[unnalee]

Well, I guess I was worried about nothing.  No inappropriate gifts showed up for me on Friday.  The student in question did send me an email to my school account that said "Happy Birthday Mrs. unnalee!  Hope you have a great day."