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  • April 22, 2018, 01:16:12 PM

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Author Topic: What would you have done?  (Read 2103 times)

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Cali.in.UK

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #30 on: April 18, 2018, 06:05:47 PM »
I have a close friend Owen who is more like a cousin to me, we were raised together and after his mom passed he was absorbed into my family. So we see him a lot at holidays and when we have the chance to get together. Owen is a kind of introverted lone wolf and I'm one of his few friends that he has kept in touch with. Owen has a lovely wife Martha who is the polar opposite, she's extroverted and has a lot of close friends - she's always on the go and I swear she must be one of those magical people that only needs like 4 hours of sleep to feel amazing because she is literally always doing something.

I really like Martha but her friends are a lot like OP's in-laws. They are clique-y, unfriendly, and honestly I've left multiple events feeling really bad because I've been categorically ignored by them. Martha is nice, but she doesn't seem to notice that her friends will literally not return a greeting to me. I'm an extroverted person and I mostly do well in social situations but her friends will not welcome me in and its been years. Because of this I've stopped attending their Christmas parties when I can avoid it and try to only see Owen and Martha when it's only them and not her friends. She's a "more the merrier" type so I have to say no to a lot of things and I can tell that Martha thinks its more in my head than reality (sigh).

She's having two baby showers, one for her friends and one that her mom is hosting that my mom will go to. I was in no way going to her friend's baby shower without my DH or anyone else that I know so I'm going to the mother's one. Martha sort of rolled her eyes at that, but I want to celebrate her pregnancy and I don't want to face another afternoon of being ignored. OP, I also recommend not attending these events unless if you have a buffer and maybe consider if you need to go at all anymore.

rose red

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #31 on: April 18, 2018, 06:09:25 PM »
They are not your family. They are your husband's relatives.

I disagree to at least a certain degree.  When you marry someone, you marry into their family.  Your family is theirs; their family is yours. 


I said what I said due to the way they treat the OP. I do not consider people who treat me like that family, no matter through marriage or blood. The older I get, the less I give a flying fig. I have no problem disowning people who don't deserve the title.

gramma dishes

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #32 on: April 18, 2018, 06:56:50 PM »
They are not your family. They are your husband's relatives.

I disagree to at least a certain degree.  When you marry someone, you marry into their family.  Your family is theirs; their family is yours. 


I said what I said due to the way they treat the OP. I do not consider people who treat me like that family, no matter through marriage or blood. The older I get, the less I give a flying fig. I have no problem disowning people who don't deserve the title.

Family are those people in your life who love you and care about you and respect you.  All others are simply acquaintances even if you (or your spouse) do happen to have some genes in common with them.

Twik

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2018, 11:15:47 AM »
They are not your family. They are your husband's relatives.

I disagree to at least a certain degree.  When you marry someone, you marry into their family.  Your family is theirs; their family is yours. 

Obviously, as is seen on this site and in this story, there are families who don't accept someone who marries in, for many reasons, and at some point, you have to say, as the OP is, "Enough is enough" and quit bashing your head against a brick wall, trying to get your SO's family to accept you.

I think this is a "family is as family does" situation. If my (hypothetical) spouse's family doesn't treat *me* like family, I would not feel obligated to play the least favorite child role begging for their acceptance. Instead, I'd tell them, to quote Shakespeare, "I do desire we may be better strangers."
"The sky's the limit. Your sky. Your limit. Now, let's dance!"

Cali.in.UK

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2018, 11:23:04 AM »
They are not your family. They are your husband's relatives.

I disagree to at least a certain degree.  When you marry someone, you marry into their family.  Your family is theirs; their family is yours. 

Obviously, as is seen on this site and in this story, there are families who don't accept someone who marries in, for many reasons, and at some point, you have to say, as the OP is, "Enough is enough" and quit bashing your head against a brick wall, trying to get your SO's family to accept you.

I think this is a "family is as family does" situation. If my (hypothetical) spouse's family doesn't treat *me* like family, I would not feel obligated to play the least favorite child role begging for their acceptance. Instead, I'd tell them, to quote Shakespeare, "I do desire we may be better strangers."

That is such a good point. I will use this in the future.

Oh Joy

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2018, 11:44:32 AM »
This sounds like a very uncomfortable experience.

Could someone articulate the idea of taking the gift away a little more?  I read it that the host and guests of honor did the right thing of greeting all guests at the door, and don't see where they were involved in or aware of any of the seating problems amongst the 175 guests.  I also thought that these large showers at professional venues usually cost much more than is collected in gifts...I'd see more potential of a gift-grab in a home or park party with only limited refreshments.

Thanks.

cattlekid

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #36 on: April 19, 2018, 11:56:47 AM »
OP here....I've never been on the hosting side of a shower but I have been to many showers in my husband's family as a guest.  It would be very rare that a shower would be held outside of a professional venue as it is common practice to invite all female guests who are invited to the wedding to the shower.  Weddings tend to run in the 400-500 guest range and up so showers of 150+ guests are very common. 

As far as whether there is a breakeven point, that's a good question.  Personally, I would never spend less than $50 on a shower gift and I believe I come in on the low side. 

This sounds like a very uncomfortable experience.

Could someone articulate the idea of taking the gift away a little more?  I read it that the host and guests of honor did the right thing of greeting all guests at the door, and don't see where they were involved in or aware of any of the seating problems amongst the 175 guests.  I also thought that these large showers at professional venues usually cost much more than is collected in gifts...I'd see more potential of a gift-grab in a home or park party with only limited refreshments.

Thanks.

rose red

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #37 on: April 19, 2018, 12:02:51 PM »
This sounds like a very uncomfortable experience.

Could someone articulate the idea of taking the gift away a little more?  I read it that the host and guests of honor did the right thing of greeting all guests at the door, and don't see where they were involved in or aware of any of the seating problems amongst the 175 guests.  I also thought that these large showers at professional venues usually cost much more than is collected in gifts...I'd see more potential of a gift-grab in a home or park party with only limited refreshments.

Thanks.

It's not about a gift grab which I don't this this is. In the OP's shoes, this would be final straw of being treated like garbage for 18 years. For me, grabbing my gift and walking out the door with my head held high would be more of a symbolic gesture. I'd try to do it quietly, but won't care if I'm noticed.

Exception being if the bride always treated me politely even if not friendly (the OP doesn't know the groom).

Sirius

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #38 on: April 19, 2018, 02:16:29 PM »
...    I wandered to four tables and was openly told that I could not sit down until one table of people took pity on me and let me sit with them.  ...


I can't even imagine this level of inhospitality!   That would be so hurtful.

That is awful!  I've had it happen where I was sitting alone at a table and was joined by a bunch of people who were friends, and they all started speaking in a language I didn't speak.  At least the young woman sitting next to me switched to English and asked me a few questions, so I didn't feel completely left out.   

LifeOnPluto

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #39 on: Yesterday at 02:15:41 AM »
OP, you stated you weren't sure whether this was an etiquette issue. I think it was absolutely an etiquette issue!

To start with, I think the wives of your husband's cousins behaved abominably. I cannot fathom casually watching a relative of mine (through marriage) who has been part of the family for 18 years, be stuck at a table all by herself while everyone else pulls up chairs, welcomes each other, laughs, etc. I find it unbelievable that not one person came over and said "Hey, want to join our table?" or even "Hi, Cattlekid, how are you going?"

And yes, I know many people will probably say "But I simply prefer to sit with my friends, rather than make small talk with someone I don't know very well, or don't particularly care for." But seriously - if you can't bring yourself to spend five minutes chatting with a relative who's completely alone at a big social event, that's pretty cold.

I think the hosts also dropped the ball. It's their responsibility to make sure their guests are comfortable. I do think for an event like this, they should have introduced you to other people, or had a seating plan.

Your SIL was also rude for not informing you that she wouldn't be attending (assuming she's aware of the history of your husband's relatives treating you rudely, and knowing that you'd be by yourself at this event).

As for what I would have done, I probably would have joined a table of the Groom's relatives. I would have approached them and said something like "Hello, you look like nice people. Mind if I join you? My name's X, and I'm a relative of the Bride." Or even "Hey, I don't know too many people here, so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself. Mind if I join your table?"

If they said "Yes, we do mind" (which would be terribly rude, IMO) or "sorry, we're saving all the seats at this table for our friends/relatives" (not quite so rude, but still doesn't help you), I'd smile, and move on to another table and repeat until I found someone willing to engage with me. (If it transpired that every single table "rejected" me, I'd probably leave!).

 

HenrysMom

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #40 on: Yesterday at 03:51:33 AM »
OP, you stated you weren't sure whether this was an etiquette issue. I think it was absolutely an etiquette issue!

To start with, I think the wives of your husband's cousins behaved abominably. I cannot fathom casually watching a relative of mine (through marriage) who has been part of the family for 18 years, be stuck at a table all by herself while everyone else pulls up chairs, welcomes each other, laughs, etc. I find it unbelievable that not one person came over and said "Hey, want to join our table?" or even "Hi, Cattlekid, how are you going?"

And yes, I know many people will probably say "But I simply prefer to sit with my friends, rather than make small talk with someone I don't know very well, or don't particularly care for." But seriously - if you can't bring yourself to spend five minutes chatting with a relative who's completely alone at a big social event, that's pretty cold.

I think the hosts also dropped the ball. It's their responsibility to make sure their guests are comfortable. I do think for an event like this, they should have introduced you to other people, or had a seating plan.

Your SIL was also rude for not informing you that she wouldn't be attending (assuming she's aware of the history of your husband's relatives treating you rudely, and knowing that you'd be by yourself at this event).

As for what I would have done, I probably would have joined a table of the Groom's relatives. I would have approached them and said something like "Hello, you look like nice people. Mind if I join you? My name's X, and I'm a relative of the Bride." Or even "Hey, I don't know too many people here, so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself. Mind if I join your table?"

If they said "Yes, we do mind" (which would be terribly rude, IMO) or "sorry, we're saving all the seats at this table for our friends/relatives" (not quite so rude, but still doesn't help you), I'd smile, and move on to another table and repeat until I found someone willing to engage with me. (If it transpired that every single table "rejected" me, I'd probably leave!).

To me, that sounds like begging.  This has happened to me at least 3-4 times.  Once was a company holiday party - coworker told me I was coming with her group, then they didnít make room for me at the table - I went back to work.  Another was EXHís work event - sat at an 8-10 person table completely alone until another couple came in late and sat with us.  Third time was another holiday party - I had a table to myself, so I collected all the other misfits (didnít know a one) in the group to sit with me and ended up with 15 at a 10-person table and had a blast.

I think the point Iím trying to make is that, for different situations, one should do different things - leave, endure, or make the most of it.  I donít blame OP a bit for leaving, although I agree she should have retrieved the gift. 

TabathasGran

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #41 on: Today at 08:56:11 AM »
I think it was OK to leave under the circumstances, not because SIL didnít show up but because the family is downright mean.  Normally I donít agree with basing ones attendance on the attendance of others, but I also donít think a guest should have to endure such an unpleasant situation alone.

I think retrieving the gift would be creating unnecessary drama not deserved by the guest of honor and that it would make a guest look very bad to do that.

I would base attendance of any future family events on OPs own enjoyment. These people have behaved so badly that you have no further social obligation to them. Go to things that you believe you will enjoy, and stay away from the ones that you know will be unpleasant.

Aleko

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #42 on: Today at 11:20:59 AM »
Quote
Your SIL was also rude for not informing you that she wouldn't be attending (assuming she's aware of the history of your husband's relatives treating you rudely, and knowing that you'd be by yourself at this event).

- But also rude even if we don't assume that. When you have arranged to meet someone at an event and to sit together, you know she will try to keep places for you, and even if someone does say 'if you're on you're own, why don't you sit with us?' she will say 'no thanks, I'm keeping places for my SIL and niece'; so that if you don't call and let her know you can't make it, by the time she has gives up expecting you to arrive, the chances are that all the tables will be made up, and there she will be sitting like a lemon on her own.

cattlekid

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #43 on: Today at 11:49:15 AM »
And that's exactly what happened.  The event was scheduled to start at 12:30, which in my husband's family means arrive between 12:30 and 1:00 and you might have some hope for the meal being served by 1:30.  When my SIL hadn't arrived by 12:50, I knew I was in for trouble because by 1:00 the group was all settling down and it was becoming quite clear that I was going to be the odd person out. 

Quote
Your SIL was also rude for not informing you that she wouldn't be attending (assuming she's aware of the history of your husband's relatives treating you rudely, and knowing that you'd be by yourself at this event).

- But also rude even if we don't assume that. When you have arranged to meet someone at an event and to sit together, you know she will try to keep places for you, and even if someone does say 'if you're on you're own, why don't you sit with us?' she will say 'no thanks, I'm keeping places for my SIL and niece'; so that if you don't call and let her know you can't make it, by the time she has gives up expecting you to arrive, the chances are that all the tables will be made up, and there she will be sitting like a lemon on her own.

cattlekid

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Re: What would you have done?
« Reply #44 on: Today at 12:02:14 PM »
OP here...couple of comments:

1.  Yep, I was sitting less than four feet away from a full table of my husband's relatives.  Not one person came up to me to say hello, I walked over to their table and said hello to everyone.  Then they said "hello" and nothing else, they just sat like bumps on a log until I walked away back to the table where I was saving the seats, even after I told them that I was holding seats for my SIL and niece.

2.  For those who wonder where the hosts were:  the event was hosted by the mother and sister of the bride and the mother and sister of the groom (very common in my husband's family).  there was a vestibule to the room where the bride and groom were greeting guests as they arrived.   The father of the bride was also in the vestibule taking gifts from guests as they were entering and walking them into the banquet room.  The mother of the bride was running from point to point checking on things, she walked past me twice while talking with others and never said hello to me.  Not sure where the parents of the groom were as I had never met the groom before that day.  So to make a little bit of a long story short, other than the mother of the bride, I'm not sure that anyone else saw what was transpiring in the actual banquet room. 

3.  I had one terrible experience a few years ago begging for a seat at another bridal shower.  It was after that point that I decided I would refuse to beg for a seat any more at a shower.  It was my stupidity that got the better of me when I sent in my RSVP for this shower as I should have realized that it was going to be another one of the same situations.

Another tidbit...we were visiting one of my husband's relatives yesterday at his place of business.  This is a member of the younger generation in the family, about the same age as the bride to be.   His mother was one of the people who did not acknowledge me at the shower.  He asked us yesterday if we were excited about the wedding.  We looked at each other, then my husband remarked that we weren't planning on attending.  This young man said the same.  Apparently, the mother of the bride to be had been extremely rude to him a few years ago as well.  I didn't say anything about what transpired at the shower and he didn't say anything.  I do find it quite sad when family feels like it's acceptable to treat each other worse than you would a stranger on the street.





OP, you stated you weren't sure whether this was an etiquette issue. I think it was absolutely an etiquette issue!

To start with, I think the wives of your husband's cousins behaved abominably. I cannot fathom casually watching a relative of mine (through marriage) who has been part of the family for 18 years, be stuck at a table all by herself while everyone else pulls up chairs, welcomes each other, laughs, etc. I find it unbelievable that not one person came over and said "Hey, want to join our table?" or even "Hi, Cattlekid, how are you going?"

And yes, I know many people will probably say "But I simply prefer to sit with my friends, rather than make small talk with someone I don't know very well, or don't particularly care for." But seriously - if you can't bring yourself to spend five minutes chatting with a relative who's completely alone at a big social event, that's pretty cold.

I think the hosts also dropped the ball. It's their responsibility to make sure their guests are comfortable. I do think for an event like this, they should have introduced you to other people, or had a seating plan.

Your SIL was also rude for not informing you that she wouldn't be attending (assuming she's aware of the history of your husband's relatives treating you rudely, and knowing that you'd be by yourself at this event).

As for what I would have done, I probably would have joined a table of the Groom's relatives. I would have approached them and said something like "Hello, you look like nice people. Mind if I join you? My name's X, and I'm a relative of the Bride." Or even "Hey, I don't know too many people here, so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself. Mind if I join your table?"

If they said "Yes, we do mind" (which would be terribly rude, IMO) or "sorry, we're saving all the seats at this table for our friends/relatives" (not quite so rude, but still doesn't help you), I'd smile, and move on to another table and repeat until I found someone willing to engage with me. (If it transpired that every single table "rejected" me, I'd probably leave!).