Calling all Stepmoms - advice needed

[fklwmn]

Okay, here is the situation...

DS's dad has YET to mention a word about any of this to me, all of my information is second hand via either my son or my parents (he did mention it to my parents when he dropped DS off on Monday while I was at work).

DS's dad is apparently going to be going to Utah on assignment for work (we live in VA). He doesn't know how long he will be gone, only that it could be as long as 2 years (I'm not sure if he has a minimum time frame or not). According to DS, he is leaving this Saturday. From what I have heard, he plans to fly home once per quarter and try to fly his wife out to see him once a month. I guess he wants to bring DS and his other son (with his wife) out for a period of time in the summer. (I have no idea why his wife who doesn't work and his son who is not in school yet aren't going with him, so don't ask, lol.)

DS is of course very upset about this. He doesn't want to talk about it (which is fine - I gave him a book he can write his feelings out if he needs to) but last night he told me he does still want to go to his dads some weekends to see his little brother and other family. This is okay by me (I am personally a little annoyed that the whole visitation schedule appears to have been cancelled without a word to me about it, but that's another post altogether) but I told him we have to clear it with his Stepmom.

His stepmom has always been nice enough to him and accepts him as a part of thier family, but on the same token his dad has made comments like "I can't ask her to have to take DS to his soccer game when I have to work" as though DS is a burden to her. SO... I am looking for advice as to how I (or DS) should approach this to see if she would be okay for DS to still come over there on some weekends and if so, how long, how often, etc...

I figured we have a fair amount of steps on this board so I'm looking for the other perspective. What say you eHellions?

ETA - up until now the visitation schedule has been every other weekend.

[Maggie]

Well I'm not a stepmom but I have been in almost the same spot with my kids wanting to go to stepmom's.  I'd say you need to talk to the ex before he leaves.  If that is not possible then talk to the stepmom after he is gone.  It's really not a question of him asking her to do something but of her willingness to do something.  Lots of times we don't think someone will do something only to find out they really wouldn't mind at all. 

[Shoo]

I think you should call your ex-husband pronto and have him tell you exactly what is going on.  Then explain what your son is hoping for and let him handle the arrangements with his wife.  That is, unless you're on good enough terms with her that you feel like you can call her up and work it out yourself, but the FIRST conversation needs to be with your ex.

My dh's ex-wife and I get along great, so I wouldn't think twice about calling her, and I know she'd be thrilled to have my dd come to their home whenever we could arrange it.  And I'd make sure my sdd could come to our home as often as possible so she could spend time with me and her sister.  The relationship between our two families is very friendly, but I know we're not the norm.

[housewife2k]

Not a step-mom, but I have been a step-child, and my mom has been a step-mom.  They way we worked it when my dad went into the navy was thus-My mom talked to my dad before he left, being she was uncertain if the information got properlly relayed to my step-monster (who at the time was pretty decent), she called her and let her know that I still wanted to sped time with her, my step-sis, and my little brother. I didn't go over as often as I would've had my dad been there, but I still had one overnight and one daytrip a month-minimum. Everyone was happy that everyone was accepted as family.
When my step-dads ex moved out of state for work, she took her kids for a month over the summer, and her partner had dinner with the kids roughly three times a month, and generally one weekend a month. It worked the sameway. Step-dad called ex, spoke with her, called exes partner, spoke with her, and plans were happily made.
Step-dad said he was leary to call exes partner at first, because the kids were not "her responsibility" exes partner basically told him that the kids were her family now, by choice, so there! The same basic thing My step-mom said to mom. None of the biological parents involved wanted to make plans for, or burden the step-parents, when the step-parents were just happy that they were loved and thought of as family.

[Clara Bow]

At least she's not mlike my husband's stepmother who insisted that she was their mother and got furious (and still gets snitty) when they talked about their mother, or even called her "mom" in her presence. She made a scene at my rehearsal because she didn't want my mother in law to get to walk down the aisle in a position of honor. She is pathological about her stepsons...
I'm sorry you're going through that, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

[ShadesOfGrey]

{incredulous look on her face}
He's leaving this saturday and hasnt told you about it? He wants his son to fly to Utah and he hasnt told you about it? He is only going to be home 1 weekend per quarter and he hasnt spoken to you about a visitation schedule?  I am guessing he is giong to be in violation of some court order somehow.  Call him on it. Yell, Scream, Rant and Throw a Fit.
 
ok, spiteful rdge has left the building. 

I would normally pretend to know nothing until he has addressed the situation with me directly (not in a mean way, but in a 'this is how adults interact-by speaking ot each other about MAJOR life changes and not assuming things we havent been told directly' way), but since it greatly affects your son, I would swallow my pride and call him directly.  And tell him your concerns about him leaving.  Tell him your son wants to visit his step family, and see how he reacts to that.  He should call his wife and tell her about that, and they need to come to an agreement about it (she is either willing to take on the responsibilties of his children or not - I cant believe he married someone that he isnt comfortable asking to take on his responsibilities when he is not around, but that's totally OT, so I'll stop).  Once they have come to an agreement, he needs to let you know what that agreement is.

If she is willing: call her direclty and speak with her about the arrangement, your son's obligations and pick up/drop off arrangements for her weekend.  Get comfortable with this woman really fast.

If she is not willing: He needs to tell your son that he will not be able to visit his other family and talk to him about what he will be able to do now and how often he will visit.

Unfortunately, you get clean up for how your son feels -  it seems you have already encountered this, though, and kudos to you for giving him a journal to write about his feelings.  I know many a 20 or 30 or even 40 something year old that has unresolved feelings from their parent's divorce and the after effects of such a decision. 

I hope this works out well for you and your son. 

[fklwmn]

{incredulous look on her face}
He's leaving this saturday and hasnt told you about it? He wants his son to fly to Utah and he hasnt told you about it? He is only going to be home 1 weekend per quarter and he hasnt spoken to you about a visitation schedule?  I am guessing he is giong to be in violation of some court order somehow.  Call him on it. Yell, Scream, Rant and Throw a Fit.
 

Actually our current visitation order is not court mandated. the court mandated visitation agreement was written when DS's dad was living in Kentucky. It pretty much says that he has reasonable visitation in my location per my discretion during the school year and 2 weeks at his location in the summer. So, he's not in violation of a court order (not that that would really matter. The courts here are not interested in making sure the kids get picked up when they are supposed to... I've been down that road with my other DS).

I would normally pretend to know nothing until he has addressed the situation with me directly (not in a mean way, but in a 'this is how adults interact-by speaking ot each other about MAJOR life changes and not assuming things we havent been told directly' way), but since it greatly affects your son, I would swallow my pride and call him directly.  And tell him your concerns about him leaving.  Tell him your son wants to visit his step family, and see how he reacts to that.  He should call his wife and tell her about that, and they need to come to an agreement about it (she is either willing to take on the responsibilties of his children or not - I cant believe he married someone that he isnt comfortable asking to take on his responsibilities when he is not around, but that's totally OT, so I'll stop).  Once they have come to an agreement, he needs to let you know what that agreement is.

Ha, that first approach is actually the one I have been taking for th past 2 days. Wondering if he is actually ever going to call me about this or just slip out of town without a word. How would he know that on his next visitation weekend we weren't sitting there and waiting for DS to get picked up??

But yeah, we need to figure out what is going to happen after he leaves - before he leaves. If you know what I mean. For what it's worth, I don't think his WIFE is the one who feels like DS is a burden. Dad is the one who complains everytime soccer or baseball (or whatever sport he is doing @ that time) starts about having to take himto games on his weekend b/c then he has to plan around them. He has no interest in what is important to DS unless it fits his idea of what SHOULD be important.

DS likes skateboards. That's fine b/c it's 'cool.' 4-wheelers? also cool. Soccer? not cool. riding in a booster seat past age 4? not cool. He made such disparing remarks to my son about these things that he cried and quit soccer for a season. Then he missed it and started playing again the next season. Baseball? he quit and never tried again b/c Dad decided to go to the NASCAR race instead of picking DS up for the weekend b/c he had a game - and didn't even call until midafternoon on Saturday. The booster seat? he never complained about until his dad started telling him "Only BABIES ride in car seats." Then he HATED riding in it.

So.... I'm pretty sure the problem here is not the stepmom. We might actually do better to wait until AFTER his dad leaves to work out the details so that he doesn't negatively influence his wife. But... I'm just not sure about her or what her feelings are. And I don't want to come off as rude  or making her feel burdened or obligated, kwim?

[ShadesOfGrey]

fklwmn, I hear you. I am so sorry that this man treats your son this way.  It is a tough situation, and I am very glad to hear that the stepmom may be amenable to the idea of your son still visiting them.  Consistency is key for young ones.  I've seen step parents go both ways, and while I understand both sides, it's always tough on the kids, no matter what.  Just becareful how you tread with her, no matter how much she cares for your son, the situation is bound to cause ripples between her and her husband...

good luck seems rather flippant at this stage, so an irish blessing instead:

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.

[melodrama]

Since DS's dad is determined to be stupid about this for whatever reason, I'd say let him go, then talk to the stepmom.  Just let her know that DS would like to see the family and would that be OK with her.  I think you want to make clear to her--at least for the first visit--that he'd only be over for a few hours, not staying overnight or a whole weekend.  Having a structured visiting time gives DS and stepmom a chance to learn to relate to each other without his dad around.  After visit one, maybe wait to see if she invites him back for another visit.

I know it may feel weird calling her, but I really think you're better off leaving your ex out of it, since he seems to have no interest in arranging things himself.  If you try to involve him before he leaves, he may totally prejudice the stepmom against DS's visit   "Well, fklwmn said DS would like to visit, but I know that's SUCH a burden on you sweetie, so you really don't have to say yes."

Just call her and explain and see where it goes from there.  I bet the two of you will be able to work something out!

[Elfqueen13]

I'm not a stepmother yet but I've been with B^3 since his daughter was 2 and even his ex refers to me as Muppet's "stepmother".

So, technicalities aside I have no problem calling his ex or with her calling me to set up things that B^3 is not likely to be involved with.  His work schedule right now is insane so I take care of the Friday night pickup.  His ex just moved and hasn't found new daycare yet so I've been taking Muppet to school every morning too.  Call the stepmom and try to work things out.  :-)

[Gwywnnydd]

First of all, you have my sympathies about your ex's bad case of C-R Inversion...

On to the question at hand though, I'd say don't bother trying to bring him into any planning you attempt. If he had any interest in cooperating, he would have *mentioned* this change in his living situation! 
Wait until he goes, then call the step-mom and say "DS would like to come over to visit with you and the kids...". Have the first visit be short, unless she volunteers to have it be longer. After it's done, wait a few days and then contact her again to see how she felt it went, and if she's comfortable continuing the visits without your ex being there.
You said she's done a good job of treating your DS as part of her family, so it sounds like she'll be willing to have him visit (she may find she enjoys it more when her DH isn't there to skew the environment).

[goblue2539]

First of all, you have my sympathies about your ex's bad case of C-R Inversion...

**does happy dance** Someone liked my subject line!!!!!! **end happy dance**

I'd just like to echo the advice to contact the stepmom directly on this one.  But, that might be my own prejudice coming through.  A lot of the problems between me and mine could've been avoided if we hadn't used my father to communicate.  So, go for it.  And if she and your son have a good relationship, do everything you can to let it stay that way.  Makes life tons easier.

[JudiAU]

I would just contact her directly. Suggest a structured visit with defined time lines and see where it goes. It really is her call, and I can see both sides of the coin, so I don't see the point of involving Ex.

As an aside, you might offer to do the hosting as well, depending on how old the other child is. The real purpose doesn't appear to be child-care, but allowing her to have a little free time herself is another way to handle the situation.

[Cattaby]

As an aside, you might offer to do the hosting as well, depending on how old the other child is. The real purpose doesn't appear to be child-care, but allowing her to have a little free time herself is another way to handle the situation.

I agree. Give step-mum a perk as well and it'll go down a lot smoother. Not saying that she'll need one, but just to show her the real reason IS interaction between DS and other son, not just you needing your weekend off.

To bring the situation up though, can you drop DS off at ex's place and maybe have a quiet word to step-mum and see how she feels? Then once you gauge her reaction, formally call her up and discuss times and structure. Maybe even suggest a trial run? Don't involve ex - he's proven himself to be a jerk too many times.