Earmarked gifts

[Lisbeth]

Something I've been wondering about (come up against now and then) is whether or not the giver of a gift can dictate to the recipient what they can do with the gift.

It seems to me that according to etiquette, once you give a gift it belongs to the recipient and it's entirely up to them what to do with it, but I've also heard people try to make their gifts conditional-that is, they say they'll give something if the recipient uses it in a specified way.

Thoughts?

Edited for clarity

[freakyfemme]

I think that's rude in most cases......still, there are some times when the giver could be rightfully annoyed with the receiver for not using a gift in a certain manner.  For example, I asked my parents for a digital camera for Christmas because Pablo wanted us to have them for painting, right?  Well, if I then decided that I didn't want to paint anymore, and started using the camera to post lewd pictures of myself on the Internet instead, then I think they'd have a right to be angry with me for that.

[behindbj]

It depends.  If the condition is "I would like to see you wearing it when you're happy, because it made your grandmother happy to see you in it" then I have no problem with that.

But if it's "If you don't marry that guy I'll give you a car" then yes, there's a problem.

But that's me.  

I completely ignore "gifts with subtle intentions" like, say, diet books.  While no one tells me outright what I should be doing with them, I don't feel the need to tell them they made great coasters and table-balancing wedges.

behindbj

[AndreaBeth105]

I'd say that, like so many things in life, it depends on the situation.  Generally, I'm not sure it's a good idea.  However, there are some "for-instances" where I think it would be appropriate:
 
-"I really wanted to buy you a nice camara." (in honor of KeenReader's camara)  "However, I wasn't certain exactly which features were important to you.  So I've written you a check so that you can pick out the right camara for you."  (Added benefit, if the recipient receives a camara, they could spend the money on something else.)

-"I know that you have a mission trip/class trip coming up.  Here's some cash to contribute to the cost/for spending money." (Not a bday gift or anything.  Especially to a kid.)

-(Mom/Aunt/Etc. to child)  "Sweetie, I'm throwing some goodies into your duffel bag for you to share with your friends on the trip."

[Chocolate Cake]

I think there is no blanket dictate that can cover all situations.  In some cases, a gift is freely given.  In other cases, the giver might feel the need to attach conditions or a "string" to the gift.

For example, let's say that elderly parents are downsizing and must find a new home for several  pieces of antique furniture that has been handed down generation to generation.  They may wish to give these pieces to their children contingent upon their agreement to not sell the pieces outside of the family without other family members being given a chance to buy them for a reasonable price first.  The recipients might also need to agree that the pieces will be kept in an environmentally controlled area and given proper maintenance or they forefeit their right to have the pieces.  

[Tabris]

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "These were grandma's pearls. She wore them at her wedding and I wore them at my wedding, and I would be delighted if you would wear them at yours. If I gave them to you, would you do that?" and the follow through.

Also, if it's expressed as an idea rather than a demand, that's not a problem. "I thought this would go splendidly in your guest bedroom--see, the ivy pattern matches the drapes!" is entirely different from "I'd better see this in your guest bedroom the next time I stay there."

[ZipTheWonder]

For me, this connects back up to the thread about honeymoon registries.  Once your registry deposits the cash you got for requesting scuba lessons....are you obligated to actually use the cash for scuba lessons?  I think most people would say "Do as you wish with your gift," which calls into question the whole premise of honeymoon registries that are actually cash registries.

[dawbs]

I think *most* of the time a gift given w/ strings isn't a gift
(the same way "I'm sorry but..." usually isn't an apology)

Yes, it stings when I buy someone a lovely whachamacallit and they don't display it, instead they make it into a dog toy...but it also stings to be given a lovely whichamacallit by someone who is trying to help you decorate your room in a taste contrary to your own and you feel obligated to put it on a shelf (or given a sweater that great-aunt-ethel thinks is adorable and you know no-one under age 60 would wear or whatever the 'bad' gift may be for you)

There are exceptions (I can definitely see the heirlooms being an exception.  As well as "in leui of" gifts ("I'm giving you this check instead of a new camera so you can buy your own"...), but I don't like gifts with strings.

But in my experience, gifts with strings are given for the purpose of lording the gift over the receiver more than they are given out of genuine generosity and desire to please the receiver.  WHich is why I tend to find a way to refuse gifts with strings (apparenlty I've been around to many toxic people...)

[Rose2Bear]

Judge Judy once said you can not attach conditions to a gift. Once it is given, it is the recipients and they can do whatever they want with it. I believe the one and only exception is an engagement ring.

Sometimes I feel like certain gifts come with expectations though - such as money for a high school graduation is commonly thought to be put towards college. But I would never INSIST a gift MUST be used a certain way. The way I see it, once it's deposited in one's savings account, it sort of blends together with all the other money anyways so who is to say that it is SPECIFICALLY being used on a certain casue.

[snappylt]

My opinion is that once a gift has been given, the giver is no longer in control...

That said, if there is some special reason the giver wants to retain control, then maybe a conditional gift should me made.  Something like, "Darling Nephew, I would like you to have Departed Grandpa's favorite diamond cuff links.  I'd like them to stay in the family, though, so if you ever tire of them, would you please give them to another member of the family instead of discarding or selling them?"  I myself would not think that that is rude at all.

My wife and I learned the hard way years ago that a cash gift certainly can be used differently than intended.

Shortly after we were married, before we had children, my wife wanted to buy her aunt a burglar alarm system.  (That particular aunt had just recently been divorced from an abusive alcoholic who had beaten her and who had threatened her and her children.)  My wife had talked it over with her aunt.  The aunt said that while she couldn't afford the $200 or so it would cost to install the alarm system, she could afford the $15 monthly monitoring fee.  She said she was afraid of her ex-husband and she thanked my wife and me so kindly when we gave her a check for the $200 installation fee.

A couple of months later this aunt invited us over for supper.  When we arrived, I was curious, so I glanced around, looking for the alarm system we had paid for.  I couldn't see any sign of it, so I asked.  The aunt replied that she had thought it over and had decided that replacing her broken dishwasher was more important to her than installing an alarm, so she used the $200 as a down payment on a dishwasher.

My wife and I pretended to be fine with this (at that point we felt, "What good would it do to protest?") while we visited in the aunt's home.  But when we got out to our car my wife and I had a long talk and decided that we would never again trust her aunt with cash.  (We were so upset because while we were willing to give the aunt $200 of our hard earned money for an alarm system to protect her and her children, we would NOT have been interested in giving her $200 toward a dishwasher.  We felt like she should wash her own dishes instead of tricking us into paying for a dishwasher.)

We resolved in the future to make the check payable directly to whatever use we want it put...

[hellgirl]

I'd have to agree with 'it depends on the situation', but I think I did a bad one myself last week...

My 11yo niece used to be very vocal about the gifts she wants (often well out of my price range - although she's maturing out if it well), and I have on several occasions found gifts from me sitting in boxes of stuff discarded when they've moved, I never know what happens to art supplies I give her (she says she loves drawing), and I basically have no idea if she likes anything I ever buy her. It makes gift buying very awkward! So I was away (in the States!) over Christmas and brought her back some Crocs, in a colour and style not generally seen here. I knew they would fit, or be a touch big (we had compared our shoe size before I went and she's still growing). They were a very expensive gift for me (about $70 once the currency converted), and I have very little income, so I was quite concerned that she would throw them in a cupboard or give them away. So I (with much misgiving) handed them over while saying the following "I hope you find these as comfortable as I find mine, and that you like the colour. But if you find you don't wear these at all, or you find you don't like them, please give them back to me. They were quite expensive, and we're the same size, and I really don't want them to just get thrown out." She actually said "Thank you" (before last week I had never heard her thank anyone for a gift, even my parents no longer expect her to say the words and just put it down to her family/money circumstances) and went off like a very happy camper. I'm not sure if I just hit on something she actually liked, or if making it a bigger deal made her value the gift more!
But I still felt bad putting conditions on a gift. Sigh.

[Lysitheia]

Except in the case of heirlooms, I am firmly a no strings person. The receiver knows much better than I do what they want/need. If I were to give an "in lieu of" type gift, I would make it clear that while I was going to buy X, the receiver is free to buy Y, Z or anything else. Just my 0.02, of course.

[kherbert05]

About the heirlooms thing. To me the heirlooms belong to the family. If you are not going to use them they need to be passed on to other family members.

I think if a child is given a cash gift to pay for a school or church trip, it should be used for that (unless the church or school cancells for reasons not related to child's behavior)

[IndianInlaw]

The law of gifts state, that if you promise to give a gift, you don't have to.

Once you give a gift, it becomes the property of the recipient.

I've brought cupcakes to office potlucks and always gave the leftovers to people with children.  Invariably someone else would ask me later.  I'd always say they belong to the other person now.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I have mixed feelings on this one. 

-If you really want to purchase something for someone, but it takes their input as well as your $$ and it's impossible to get together to shop for it, I agree that the best thing to do is to write the check out directly to the vendor or get a gift certificate to that vendor.

-If you are giving $$ for a trip, then I think it should go towards that trip and would be rude for it not to, since that's kind of a special circumstance (eg - you can buy someone who has just discovered a love of literature some books, and you can buy someone who love scuba diving fins, but you cant necesarily buy someone plane tickets or a hotel stay...)

-If you are giving someone cash to purchase something, I think it is much more difficult to define.
"Auntie/Friend/Sister, I LOVE photography, and there's this really great camera that I want, but it's out of my price range." So you give them cash, but then if the person doesnt purchase the camera, I dont really know what I would do.  I would probably purchase a gift certificate to said camera store (you can do anything via phone these days!), but if it were an electronics store with many other items for sale, I would be a little put off if the person bought something else with the $$ (since that is what they asked for).  Unless it was something like "I just found out this OTHER really great camera is coming out in a few months, so I am putting your $$ in the bank to purchase it then/I bought some really great accessories for said hobby."

-In the case of someone purchasing you a planter or something else that doesnt exactly fit your style/needs, I dont see anything wrong with using it for another purpose entirely.