I know it's tacky but...(please read first post before answering)

[mrsbrandt]

How bad is it to throw a former teen mom a baby shower for her second baby (when she is no longer a teen mom)?  Back story...sorry it's long.

DH and I got pregnant in college (my freshman year, his sophomore we wern't married then).  We had the baby in the fall  of his junior year.  There was no real fanfare, no one was excited about the baby except for us.  Both families (mine especially) were less than supportive.  DH's aunt did wind up throwing me a baby shower after I had the baby (and the family was finally convinced we were keeping dd - even longer story).  Unfortunately, at the time I had literally one friend.  So at my baby shower it was my one friend and about 5 of DH's aunts, MIL, and the new baby.

I'm pregnant with baby number 2 (it's a girl again) and DH and I have been married a little over two years.  One of my friend's really wants to throw me a nice shower (so my friends who I've made since having the baby can help me celebrate) and because my first shower was really not a very happy event.  I know it's really an etiquette violation to have a second baby shower - especially since the babies are only 2.5 years apart and the same gender.  And we do still have most of our baby things so it's really not about gifts.  I honestly hope people don't get me very much at all (at any point, shower or not), because we don't need things and what we do need DH and I can finally afford (everything for the first baby was second hand and the majority of things were in fair/poor condition). 

People are actually excited about this baby and I really want to celebrate, but I know it's not appropriate to have a second baby shower/party.  How awful would I be to let my friend throw a baby shower?  I would love one, but I feel bad because I know it's against the rules.  It just makes me sad because the first baby's arrival wasn't really a joyous event for anyone but DH, myself and MIL.  FWIW DH grads in May (finally) and I've got a good job and have been supporting the family and putting DH through school for the past two years.  So money isn't really an issue anymore.

I just want to know how awful I would be if I let my friend throw a small shindig for me.  I already feel guilty about it, so maybe it's best if she just doesn't.

[NYGirl100]

Personally if I was your friend I would go anyways even if it's a second baby shower, assuming that I know the circumstances of the first.  If I didn't know I might consider it very tacky.  If you don't really need the gifts, what about just a get-together/party/lunch/brunch with your friends and don't call it a shower?  A shower indicates gifts, while a get-together/party/lunch/brunch indicates that you just want to celebrate with your friends.   

[ZipTheWonder]

I'm not really fond of the word "tacky."  It's judgmental in a way that simply saying "It violates etiquette" isn't.

So...a second shower violates etiquette, regardless of the circumstances.  It's not a crime, it's not the end of the world as we know it....it's just an etiquette violation.  That's all.

[melodrama]

Since your main goal is to celebrate theis baby in a way you weren't able to with DD1, could you convince your friend to host a "Meet the Baby" party for you after she's born instead?  She can even play hostess at your house/apartment if you and the baby aren't up to travelling. 

One bonus: If she's a month old or so when you have the party, I would think you're less likely to get bottles/pacifiers/stuff you already have and more likely to get new baby books/toys/personal things for HER.

[mrsbrandt]

Actually since DH is graduating in May, immediately after the baby arrives we're going to be in the process of moving and packing up our apartment.  The baby is due April 24th.  DH grads May 13 and his finals are the second week of May.  Our lease is up at the end of May and hypothetically DH will be starting work fulltime (probably very far from our current location) almost immediately after graduation.  After the baby is born, I'm planning on turning our house into a disaster area and packing almost everything I possibly can up, to make the move a little bit easier.  Needless to say no one will be visiting my house after the baby is born - except for those few close friends, who I know would be okay with the mess.

I think you're on to something with a meet the baby party though, except that our weekends after the baby is born in late April/early May are going to be non-existent for the most part.

[Verruca]

I think you're on to something with a meet the baby party though, except that our weekends after the baby is born in late April/early May are going to be non-existent for the most part.

That's fine, though - I think it's reasonable to delay a "meet the baby" party until the baby's 2 or 3 months old.

[mimi_cat]

I would wait until you are settled in your new place and have a Welcome Baby/Open House event.  Or, ask your friend to host a small luncheon gathering and not call it a shower. 

"People are actually excited about this baby and I really want to celebrate" --> I think it's wonderful you've built up a supportive network of friends over the last couple of years.   There are other ways to celebrate besides a baby shower.

" It just makes me sad because the first baby's arrival wasn't really a joyous event for anyone but DH, myself and MIL." --> I think you need to let go of this.  The most important people were excited about your first baby, and that's what really matters.  Your baby knows she's loved and provided for; she will never remember who was around and who wasn't.   It sounds like you managed quite well on your own in spite of everything, and you should be proud of that. 

Honestly, I think the whole baby shower thing has changed from being a nice way to help a first time mother get started, and turned into a huge consumer retail event.  Too many women feel guilty because they didn't have the perfect Hallmark event with matching decorations, streamers, perfect food, and dozens of friends around oooh-ing and aaaah-ing over presents, while someone else is taking photographs that can be lovingly placed in a scrapbook with themed stickers.  (And of course Baby #2 must have the same thing in their baby book, or they'll feel left out!)

[melodrama]

Ugh...baby and moving all in one month?  With a two year old?  Are you looking for a medal??    I'm assuming you want to celebrate with your friends from your home now, before you move far away from them.  Maybe you can carve out a few hours on a Saturday morning to receive visitors. It might be a nice break from packing.  Since your apartment is out of the question, maybe your friend who wants to host can have people over at her place.  I know for my BF's family, all major events are held in his parents' condo community room.  That way no one is stuck with all the clean up.  Does your apartment complex or your friend's have anything like that?

I can see how it would be hard to plan a "Meet the Baby" party on advance, because you won't know how you'll be feeling.  I think a week's notice is enough for a get together like this, though.  So if you wake up on Monday morning and say "OK, I actually got 5 hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling almost human.  Let's have a party!"  then you can call your friends and relatives and arrange the time/place.  

[lolane]

I think that's it's all well and good to celebrate the arrival of each child, but there are ways to do this without having a shower. A shower is essentially a party where people "shower" the guest of honor with gifts. Ettiquette dictates that you don't get more than one shower, and in your OP you stated that you really didn't want gifts anyway. So, I think it is definitely appropriate to have a "meet the baby" party or something like that. Understandably, this will be difficult given your circumstances, but I think it would be the best thing to do in this situation.

[Bijou]

I voted that I would be happy to celebrate the coming of the second baby...
and I would have been just as happy to celebrate the coming of your first child, as well.  (I thought those ridiculous judgemental days were behind us!  I'm glad your family celebrated with you).  

[Slartibartfast]

Examine the *reason* a second shower is against etiquette.  It's rude because (a) people sometimes do it to be greedy and get more "stuff," (b) your friends are expected to contribute *again* financially in honor of your procreation, and (c) a shower is a celebration of becoming a mother, which doesn't apply to second and subsequent kids.

From what you said, I don't think any of these reasons really apply.  For (a), I'm guessing you didn't have a lot of baby things before.  You said you don't need much now, so there isn't the expectation that they will buy you something expensive - but heaven knows there are always extra things it's nice to have with an infant in the house (diapers, outfits that haven't been burped on by child #1, baby toys that aren't slobbered on by the dog, etc.) and the attendees should be able to buy you something inexpensive if they wish.  For (b), it sounds like your life and your friends have changed a lot, so the people invited to this shower weren't involved for baby #1.  And for (c), it really depends on your situation.  Some people might see you as being a mother already so what's the point, while others would like to celebrate your emergence into the mom role in a traditional family setting - married, out of college, and presumably with more resources to care for the children.  If you feel your life has changed since baby #1, I wouldn't begrudge you a celebration of that.

I'm sure some people will be snarky (or silently disapproving), but it sounds like you're ready to make the transition between "having a baby" and "being a mom."  And that's something to be excited about.

[JudiAU]

I really don't think another shower is appropriate. Celebrate having another child in another way, perhaps by having an open house/ meet the baby party after you move.

[ZipTheWonder]

Some people might see you as being a mother already so what's the point, while others would like to celebrate your emergence into the mom role in a traditional family setting - married, out of college.............it sounds like you're ready to make the transition between "having a baby" and "being a mom."  And that's something to be excited about.

I can't even begin to tell you how hurt I'd be if I'd had a teen pregnancy and only when I'd 'legitimized' myself by being married, out of college, working, and in a traditional family setting did others begin to see me as a mother rather than as someone having a baby.  I see no difference between "having a baby" and "being a mom" when one has kept and mothered her children -- so I can't imagine any thinking person would ever be so unkind as to suggest that these are two different roles.

[VorFemme]

DS is nine years and eight months younger than DD.  We were married for both - but due to one thing and another (best friend got married and MOVED a few months before I found out DD was coming), I never had a shower of any kind while expecting her.

So the shower that my Sunday School class held for me while I was expecting DS was the first one that I attended by way of being the guest of honor (or the mother of the honoree - however that is figured).

I can see having a small farewell to the friends you've made in college the last few years before moving.  If they bring baby presents that is THEIR choice.  But I would have it as a "farewell luncheon" with the old gang instead of a "baby shower".

But I promise not to shoot you or raise an eyebrow if it is a shower after all.  There is no bad excuse to eat cake..............just make mine a very small slice as I go in to have my fasting blood sugar and cholesterol blood tests done Monday.  And unsweetened tea.........thanks.

[Clara Bow]

I have no problem with it at all. You don't really sound like someone who would be pulling a gift grab, not posting on this site you wouldn't be LOL...and there's nothing wrong with celebrating the new life in your life.
Of course I'd have thrown you a shower for the first one. I'm kind of a hippie though. A baby is a baby and not every young mother is irresponsible (ask my Granny, first child at fifteen, first child to survive at eighteen) and not every circumstance that looks bad on the outside really is.
Congrats on the new little Brandt!