I know it's tacky but...(please read first post before answering)

[CreteGirl]

I just want to know how awful I would be if I let my friend throw a small shindig for me.  I already feel guilty about it, so maybe it's best if she just doesn't.

I say let your friend throw a shower for you, and enjoy every minute of it.  People are free to attend or not, as they see fit.  But you should enjoy this special time in your life without feeling any guilt what so ever.

Congratulations on the new addition to your family.

[mrsbrandt]

I think I'm going to allow my friend to throw me a pre-baby party.  We won't call it a shower, but I'd really like to have the chance to celebrate with people.  Thanks to everyone for the helpful responses.  I'd love to have a post-baby party, but there is a very good chance we may be moving far far away from our current state and I don't think I'd be up to flying in with a newborn and a toddler.  I will be sure to visit with people after the baby is born though.  I just don't think I'd get much of an opportunity with everyone's busy schedules to have a big get together though.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think I'm going to allow my friend to throw me a pre-baby party.  We won't call it a shower, but I'd really like to have the chance to celebrate with people.  Thanks to everyone for the helpful responses.  I'd love to have a post-baby party, but there is a very good chance we may be moving far far away from our current state and I don't think I'd be up to flying in with a newborn and a toddler.  I will be sure to visit with people after the baby is born though.  I just don't think I'd get much of an opportunity with everyone's busy schedules to have a big get together though.

this is a great solution - you get to celebrate the new life, (without asking for gifts) and nobody has to feel pressured to give you a gift, because it isnt a shower! (I am sure many people will give you a gift, though. Just dont open them in front of everyone else!)  As many posters said, there's definitely more than one way to celebrate a new life than with a shower!

[Twik]

I think this is a great solution. As some people have mentioned, showers often turn into something focused more on stuff rather on the baby. This way, mrsbrandt and baby-to-be get the proper attention!

[ccnumber4]

[I honestly hope people don't get me very much at all (at any point, shower or not), because we don't need things and what we do need DH and I can finally afford (everything for the first baby was second hand and the majority of things were in fair/poor condition). 
/quote]

If this is how your truly feel, then why not just explain that to your friend and tell her you prefer just a small get-together with friends, a luncheon or something since you are moving.  As someone else mentioned, if some bring gifts, fine, but the focus will be on something else. 

[Slartibartfast]

Some people might see you as being a mother already so what's the point, while others would like to celebrate your emergence into the mom role in a traditional family setting - married, out of college.............it sounds like you're ready to make the transition between "having a baby" and "being a mom."  And that's something to be excited about.

I can't even begin to tell you how hurt I'd be if I'd had a teen pregnancy and only when I'd 'legitimized' myself by being married, out of college, working, and in a traditional family setting did others begin to see me as a mother rather than as someone having a baby.  I see no difference between "having a baby" and "being a mom" when one has kept and mothered her children -- so I can't imagine any thinking person would ever be so unkind as to suggest that these are two different roles.

This is why I think it should be up to the mom to decide what this shower/event means to her.  For many teen girls, having a baby doesn't change the feeling of being a child - sometimes it even gets worse, if adults treat you like you are a child incapable of making responsible decisions.  You can't be a "mom" and a "baby" at the same time.  If getting married, being out of college, having a job, and being in a traditional family setting makes you feel like you're the one in control of your family (instead of still being a child in your mother's household), then a baby shower is definitely appropriate.  If you already felt like a "mom" (however you define that), then call it a get-together, shindig, or something other than a shower.

[Peyton Fan]

This is one of those things that I totally don't get. I have never really understood why it is so against etiquette to have a baby shower for a second baby (or even third, fourth). Every child deserves celebrating and I have never had a problem going to or even helping host a shower for a second (or any other #) child.

[Twik]

 Kimstat: Certainly, babies deserve celebrating. The problem is that the shower is one of the few situations where gifts are, if not absolutely mandatory, the defining purpose of the party. The point of the party is to "shower" the soon-to-be new mom with things she'll need, but won't have.on hand already from previous children.  A "shower without gifts" is a contradiction in terms.

It's a hold-over from an earlier time, when setting up with just a crib and a few sets of baby clothes could financially tax a young couple; but also, a time when things were "used up, worn out or made to do". An experienced mother wouldn't need a new cradle, or new clothes -that's what hand-me-downs were for. Expecting your family and friends to upgrade your used stuff would be an unfair drain on their finances.

So, the "meet-the-baby" (either pre- or post-nativity) party was born. It's for celebrating a new life, but without calling it a "shower", the implication that you'd better be bringing the goods is gone. People can give a gift if they want (and most people probably will), but that's not the point of the gathering - it's the baby that's the focus.

If someone insists on a "shower" instead of a normal get-together (and that's clearly not the case with mrsbrandt), it tends to make me think that the gifts are indeed more important than the child.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Kimstat: Certainly, babies deserve celebrating. The problem is that the shower is one of the few situations where gifts are, if not absolutely mandatory, the defining purpose of the party. The point of the party is to "shower" the soon-to-be new mom with things she'll need, but won't have.on hand already from previous children.  A "shower without gifts" is a contradiction in terms.

It's a hold-over from an earlier time, when setting up with just a crib and a few sets of baby clothes could financially tax a young couple; but also, a time when things were "used up, worn out or made to do". An experienced mother wouldn't need a new cradle, or new clothes -that's what hand-me-downs were for. Expecting your family and friends to upgrade your used stuff would be an unfair drain on their finances.

So, the "meet-the-baby" (either pre- or post-nativity) party was born. It's for celebrating a new life, but without calling it a "shower", the implication that you'd better be bringing the goods is gone. People can give a gift if they want (and most people probably will), but that's not the point of the gathering - it's the baby that's the focus.

If someone insists on a "shower" instead of a normal get-together (and that's clearly not the case with mrsbrandt), it tends to make me think that the gifts are indeed more important than the child.

very well said twik.

[Peyton Fan]

I completely understand the etiquette of it. I just don't agree with it. I think sometimes people are so worried about the ETIQUETTE of it all, that they forget what is most important and that is celebrating a new life. And all children should be able to have some new things that are not all hand-me-downs. And just because it is how things USED to be done, doesn't make it necessarily right. What if a mom has two children, gets rid of everything and has another child 10 years later. She has nothing anymore as she wasn't planning on having another child. Is it against proper etiquette to have a shower for her? I am sure there are those that would say 'yes'.

My opinion, is that I am more than happy to celebrate and/or host a shower for which ever baby a friend has. I know most don't agree.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I completely understand the etiquette of it. I just don't agree with it. I think sometimes people are so worried about the ETIQUETTE of it all, that they forget what is most important and that is celebrating a new life. And all children should be able to have some new things that are not all hand-me-downs.

And just because it is how things USED to be done, doesn't make it necessarily right. What if a mom has two children, gets rid of everything and has another child 10 years later. She has nothing anymore as she wasn't planning on having another child. Is it against proper etiquette to have a shower for her? I am sure there are those that would say 'yes'.

Ahh kimstat, I think the crux of the [bolded] argument is that, sure, if one feels that all children should be able to have some new things, that are not hand-me-downs thats great, but, THE PARENTS should be able to afford those things if they are going to be bringing that life into the world.  It should not be up to others to provide those new things - and that argument stands no matter what generation you are from.  Not to mention that many people dont agree that all children should have new things.  I can think of very good reasons why children dont need new things.

I think that many people would be more willing to attend the type of shower you describe in the second part of your post, whether it is formally against etiquette or not. 

Again, a SHOWER (read: gift giving occasion) is NOT the only way to celebrate a new life. 

[EvilAlice]

I completely understand the etiquette of it. I just don't agree with it. I think sometimes people are so worried about the ETIQUETTE of it all, that they forget what is most important and that is celebrating a new life.

Again, a SHOWER (read: gift giving occasion) is NOT the only way to celebrate a new life.

Not only that, but I have a problem with the idea that "celebrating a new life" is so important that it justifies demanding gifts, even if you're doing it on behalf of someone else.  People seem to forget, when they are discussing showers, that anyone in the world is free to buy the mom to be or bride to be a gift whether a shower is held or not.  People who want to buy a gift will, regardless of whether they are "invited" to do so.

[Twik]

If you really cannot afford to buy your children a few new things at birth, then you are going to have some serious problems while raising them. And face it, the baby doesn't know if something's new - as long as springs in the mattress aren't jabbing its little back, it doesn't care if Brother Sam and Cousin Sarah both slept there before. Older children, now, do notice, and often care - and yet there aren't "twelve-year-old showers" to make sure that the child has new clothes, say, for high school.

The trouble with the argument "Oh, a new baby needs new things, so we should have a shower", is that it assumes that one's circle of friends and relatives are somehow responsible for financially supporting the baby. If the parents are really in such desparate straits, perhaps a fundraiser is more in line than a shower.