Gift For Only One of Three

[extranormal]

I was friendly with a family who moved away last summer. The kids are now 10, 8, and 6. I would like to keep in touch with one of the three kids -- she's the middle child, with all that entails, and I've always been especially fond of her.

I recently found a (used) book about horses I think she'd like. Would it be acceptable to send a little gift for her without including something for her siblings? For what it's worth, I don't especially like her siblings, so keeping them happy isn't much of a priority for me. On the other hand, I suspect they will pitch unholy fits if they find out, and I don't want to cause any more problems in an already...less than serene family.

[Rose2Bear]

It's not like it is for Christmas or anything, so I don't really see the problem. Also, while it sounds like a very nice gift, its not like you're sending her some gigantic fabulous gift like a Barbie dreamhouse or something. It's your money and you can choose to spend it however you want, and the other children can learn to deal with some of the "unfair" aspects of life (not that I think you're really being all that unfair - you found a nice gift for someone... why should you go out of your way to find other gifts?)

[Shoo]

I see nothing wrong with sending the girl a book you found that she would be interested in.  However, I don't think you should make a habit of singling her out for gifts.  Her parents would probably find that a little strange and it is, frankly, unfair to the other kids.

Do you have a child who was particularly good friends with this girl?  If so, your child can maintain her friendship with her, and it wouldn't be inappropriate for her to send her a little gift now and then.  But for an adult (I am presuming you are an adult), it would not be appropriate.  Saying this as a mother, mind you.

[madmusician]

Don't make it a habit, but otherwise you're in the clear.

[SunkissableOne]

I agree with the other posters.  It's a one time thing and it's something that seems to me, that has a lot of thought put into it.  I say it's fine.

[MsEva]

I vote to send the book. I also think that while you shouldn't make a regular habit of it that it's fine to send a gift to just this one child occasionally. Especially if it is something that you know she would appreciate. I am so against the whole "if you buy for one then you must buy for all" train of thought. Children should learn from the start that they aren't entitled to any sort of gift and definitely not just because their sibling gets one.

[Sharnita]

I wouldn't do it. You don't have to like thte other kids but that doesn't mean you should do something that demonstrates your dislike. Maybe write a note to the whole family saying "Hi" and mentioning the title of the book and a recommendation that #2 should check with her local library to see if they have it.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think it depends on your previous relationship with the family, and your current one.

Without knowing that information, I say send the book, you are not obligated to like or even have a relationship with all of the siblings in a family.  You are not punishing the others, or even making a statement about not liking them.  You simply found something that someone would enjoy and would like to give it to them.

Unless it was/is typical of your relationship to purchase gifts for all three at the same time (usually a gift giving holiday) or something else that makes them all equal (you took them on as students together, for example), then I dont think there's anything inappropriate about it.  That being said, they might be a little young to understand that their siblings have different relationships with mutual acquaintances. 

ETA: It sounds like I am on the fence on this, but really my vote is to send the gift!

[Amitisoo]

Send it. When is her birthday? That would be a good time to send a gift and hopefully when her sib's bithday's come along they'll have forgotten she received something from you.

[Buffy2424]

I vote for send.  I think this kind of thing is no big deal, unless you send her and only her a thoughtful little gift every month.  My brother, sister and I were fine getting one's favorite candy from this aunt and one's daytrip with grammy, etc.  Individuality.

[extranormal]

You all raise some excellent points. Naturally.

I think I just feel a little sorry for this kid. She's a rather plain middle child caught between a very high-maintenance oldest son (who gets most of the attention) and "the baby" (who gets the rest). Moving across the country has been tough on her. I suppose that really isn't my problem, though, and favoring her would likely cause more difficulties than it solves.

While I know the mom very well and I don't think she'd be squicked out, she might feel put out that I've neglected her other kids.

What if I were to send the book to all of them, knowing that Middle Child is probably the only one who will read it, anyway? Or is that kind of passive-aggressive? I mean, I wouldn't do that if it were a book about My Sparkly Pretty Ballerina Princess Pony, but it is conceivable that any kid might like horse stories.

I'm starting to think I should just donate the book to the Friends of the Library and save myself the pain...

[Evil Duckie]

Send the book.  It shouldn't cause any problems. I know that my boys have received gifts when their siblings didn't and it wasn't a problem.

[Shoo]

No, please send the girl the book.  There's nothing wrong with happening upon something you know she'd like and then sending it to her.  I just think you shouldn't go overboard and obviously leave out the other two.  A one time gift?  Go for it.  It's very kind of you, and I bet she'll love it.

[Amitisoo]

Maybe send the other kids books that middle child would enjoy reading too. I'm sure some people on here can suggest titles that work for both genders and ages. My brother wasn't a big reader and I appreciated when people gave him stuff we'd both enjoy reading.

[Bijou]

I was friendly with a family who moved away last summer. The kids are now 10, 8, and 6. I would like to keep in touch with one of the three kids -- she's the middle child, with all that entails, and I've always been especially fond of her.

I recently found a (used) book about horses I think she'd like. Would it be acceptable to send a little gift for her without including something for her siblings? For what it's worth, I don't especially like her siblings, so keeping them happy isn't much of a priority for me. On the other hand, I suspect they will pitch unholy fits if they find out, and I don't want to cause any more problems in an already...less than serene family.

As a parent, if someone singled out a child of mine to receive a gift on no occasion I would absolutely be unhappy with that.  As a middle child, I would not want to be singled out. 
I suggest sending it to the parents along with a note saying that you remembered that middle child likes horses and you thought the kids might enjoy adding the book to their library.