Please, We Don't Want Your Hand-me-Downs

[Tagy]

Almost every time my MIL and FIL come to visit (every couple of months or so), they bring DH and I box after box of what I can only politely term as "discards".  Old clothes of my FIL's, waaaaay outdated magazines, knick knacks they found in their attic, etc.  This last visit, the items included a shower curtain, dish towels and one of those fuzzy carpet-like toilet tank covers.  DH's grandmother passed on last year and the inlaws went through her belongings and thought we could use these things.

I've asked DH's brothers' wives if the IL's do this to them, and they both said that they don't.  I honestly have no idea why the ILs give us these things.  I want to believe that they're being honestly generous (in their minds), but this little nagging part of my brain keeps thinking that maybe pawning off their unwanted items on us bit by bit is cheaper than paying to have it hauled away.  And I know that my DH has the reputation of being the "nice, docile one" out of his three brothers.

Regardless of their motivation, how can I ask them to no longer bring us these things without being rude about it?

Thanks!

[freakyfemme]

I think all you could do without being rude is to maybe "innocently" lament the lack of space in your house because of your OWN old things that you "just can't throw out," and hope they get the hint.

[NotCinderell]

Really, I think the best thing for everyone involved would be for you to graciously thank them and then throw the stuff out when they're gone.  Some people can't bear to waste things so badly that they give them to someone else rather than throw them away.  If you don't want it, throw it away.  If you try to explain to them how you don't need it, they'll just browbeat you about how useful the stuff is.

Trust me, they won't come back asking what you did with the fuzzy toilet seat cover.  They just can't bear the guilt of throwing it away themselves.

[kareng57]

I'd agree - for the most part they're chickening out.  They just don't want to be the "discarders".

It might be a "choose your battles" situation - if they're loving inlaws for the most part, they might honestly believe that you might get some use out of this stuff.  Sometimes, to keep the peace, it might not be a bad idea to thank them and just toss the stuff later.  But for the really old magazines - I'm not saying that you could sell them for big $$$ on E-bay, but if you're around doctor's /dentist's/fitness clubs, why not ask if they'd mind having some of these old magazines?  Personally, if I was having to kill time in a doctor's office (or on a step-machine in the gym) I'd probably find 35-year-old copies of Chatelaine magazine much more interesting to read than last years' Field And Stream.

You never know - we sort of inherited a tacky-kind of fish-gurgle water pitcher years ago that we've always shown to friends as kind of a joke-item.  It was on this forum that I discovered that it's considered a collectors' item in some circles.

[Balletmom]

Mr. Balletmom asked a few years ago, why we were the ones that received all the cr@p stuff from deceased relatives. Broken, ugly, hopelessly out of date--we got it.  My theory is all the good stuf goes to the relatives that must be placated, so the junk goes to the pleasant and well-behaved. Just a theory, of course.

My mother still brings over things like her magazines (good stuff all clipped out, of course) shirts that don't fit her (not my style and they don't fit me, either) and my favorite a month ago--purse with broken zipper. Thanks~!

I just leave it on the kitchen table and say, "thanks for thinking of me." Then it goes straight to the trash can outside. Once I started doing that, I felt much better and had much less resentment. The "stuff" doesn't take up mental or physical space with me anymore.

[LuckyDucky]

I think people attach sentimental feelings to everday, boring objects.  Jewellery,  - pass it on.  Toilet decor - throw it out.  My nana keeps giving us all stuff  from her house when we visit, "because i won't be around forever and you need something to remember me by"

We have exactly to opposite happening with us and our possessions. 

RedNut's dad passed away 5 years ago, and all of his possessions ended up with RN.   So we were eternally grateful for all of this furniture when we we young and poor and living on our own.  Years pass and our circumstances change.  The couches are falling apart, leaking stuffing and completely beyond repair.  The wall unit is taking up too much space and the entertainment unit is rotting in the garden shed.

So we go to throw the couches out.  RN's brother kick up a stink about how we should hold on to them.  They are 25 years old and beyond help.  Nope, he told us that we had to keep them in the storage shed for him becaue what would dad think (i would hazard a guess at "why in godd@m he!! are you keeping those carpy couches").  RN gave out the ultimatum - take them or we will throw them.  He took them and then 6 weeks later, bought himself a new couch and threw the old ones out. After all that fuss...

The wall unit was next on our list.  We were going to either donate it to charity or sell it though a classified ad.  Nope, RN's crazy auntie told us that we were not allowed to get rid of it as it belonged to his dad (who by the way hated crazy auntie) so she will take it.  It is now jammed into a corner of her already overstuffed house, gathering dust.

We managed to get rid of the entertainment unit though.  It got dropped off a verandah while trying to move it so we had to demolish it.  Well, that's our story and we are sticking to it.

[LuckyDucky]

sorry meant to actually answer the OP's question.

When we receive these...gifts, we always thank the giver, take it home and give it straight to charity.  Even though i don't like it or need it, some one out there will.

[BatCity]

Right you are.

My MIL used to give us all kinds of junk as well, but in her case it was things like the free gift you get when you order five items through the Blair catalog.  You know, like a bagel slicer that snaps in half the first time you try to use it on a bagel.  She also gave us a lot of religious items.

We would thank her, and then later on throw them away.  She never knew, it made her happy, and now she's no longer with us.  No harm done.

[Lisbeth]

My problem for years was that my mother, aunts, and grandmother would try to pass on their clothes to me.

I finally told my grandmother that I didn't fit her clothes anymore (she was a petite; I'm not).  After she died, my aunt asked me if I wanted any of her clothes, and I said that as they probably didn't fit, she might want to donate them to charity as they would be deductible on my grandmother's estate return.

Luckily, my mother and aunts don't do that so much anymore.  If someone tried to hand-me-down items I really felt I couldn't use, I'd donate them to charity.

[Sophia]

Regardless of their motivation, how can I ask them to no longer bring us these things without being rude about it?
Thanks!

I would not classify this as a gift.  Discards can be refused.  Therefore, I disagree with the general consensus.  "No thank you.  We have no need for old magazines/old clothes/etc.  I wish you would have mentioned you were bringing this stuff, and then you wouldn't have had to haul it over here.  Would you like me to throw it, or do you want to take it back home with you?" 

The reason they give you their old stuff is because you take it.  They may think that you appreciate it. 

The exception would be if they were going senile.  Then, you treat the objects as the Crown Jewels and later throw them away. 

[NotCinderell]

Mr. Balletmom asked a few years ago, why we were the ones that received all the cr@p stuff from deceased relatives. Broken, ugly, hopelessly out of date--we got it.  My theory is all the good stuf goes to the relatives that must be placated, so the junk goes to the pleasant and well-behaved. Just a theory, of course.

One of the principles of etiquette is to give people the benefit of the doubt.  In your case, I think you'd be even more at peace if you, instead of attributing such elaborate motivation to them, just assume that they're packrats who need help getting rid of their junk.

[NotCinderell]

So we go to throw the couches out.  RN's brother kick up a stink about how we should hold on to them....RN gave out the ultimatum - take them or we will throw them.

I think that's the best way to handle it.  If the objects are so important to someone else, let that person be responsible for them.

When my parents split up, my sister and I were already out of the house.  They sold the 4-bedroom house and both moved into much smaller apartments.  Neither had room for the piano that my grandparents had given me when I was 8.  I was living in a studio apartment at the time (I was 22) and had no room for it either.  Sadly, my piano got sold.  It wasn't a new piano, but it was still in very good condition (it fetched $1000 used 8 years ago, and it was about 30 years old at the time).  I don't harbor any resentment towards my parents, even though I loved that piano.  I still don't have space for it, btw, and I firmly believe that if you're going to lay claim to an article that is so important that it must be kept, then you must be prepared to take possession of that article.  Otherwise, you can't compel other people to hold it for you if they don't want to.

[Clara Bow]

Whenever my stepmother in law gets rid of something, she tries to give it to us. Granted, we got a nice bookcase and chest of drawers but not everything she owns fits with my taste or in my house. When I was pregnant I became to dumping ground for everyone's ugly, broken down and dirty old baby stuff. It hurt my feelings a little, but I chose to think that they were only trying to help.
I don't care for hand me down clothes, except for playclothes for my son or things that don't look used. When confronted with the bag of junk, or my stepmother in law's cleaning out, we just politely say that the house is so full we couldn't possibly cram anything in, thank you so much for thinking of us....

[Tagy]

When I was pregnant I became to dumping ground for everyone's ugly, broken down and dirty old baby stuff. It hurt my feelings a little, but I chose to think that they were only trying to help.

That happened with me, too!!!  When I was pregnant with DD #1, MIL was forever "gifting" us with things like DH's 30 year old toys and and (stained) baby clothing.  I just said thank you and threw them away because, to be honest, those toys would never pass current day safety standards.

[PrettyPinkPost-its]

I think you should smile, say thank you, and throw the stuff in the trash when they leave.  You could try to say you already have too much stuff, but they will probably just describe how each item is very useful and/or valuable.  I personally would not take the time to try to farm the junk out to charity, doctors offices, or anywhere else. 
My grandmother does the same thing, and it makes her so happy to think that we use the junk she gives us.  I wouldn't have the heart to tell her we don't want it.  After all, to her, there's no reason why my daughter couldn't have used my 30 year old, ripped and stained potty chair.  I just said, "Thank you for saving this for all these years. . " and promptly threw it in the trash.
It know it's a difficult situation.
Gina