Please, We Don't Want Your Hand-me-Downs

[NotCinderell]

Okay, now I feel guilty.  DH's cousin sent us a box of rockin' hand-me-downs, none more than a couple of years old, all good brands and in good condition.  I am forever in her debt.

[Oxymoroness]

Okay, now I feel guilty.

Why? If they're in good condition, collectible or otherwise useable, why not? Hand-me-downs can make good gifts. (So speaks the daughter of auction-lovers. Seriously the bulk of the items in my parents' house are defintely not new, very used and very nice.)

It's junk that you smile and say thanks on the way to the trash can.

I remember a while back on E-hell 1.0 there was a discussion where a man was tired of receiving yard sale junk (I believe there was some old vomit on the baby clothes.) from his mother. Worse, this junk was considered the birthday and holiday gifts (I think, I don't clearly remember). Apparently the mother did not have an issue with funds (as in that was all she could afford). She just didn't give any thought about what she was buying her granddaughter. That, I'd speak up about. Otherwise ... smile and toss!

[NotCinderell]

I remember that thread.  It seemed that the woman was deliberately giving him disgusting stuff on purpose and expecting him to be happy with it.

[HogwartsAlum]

 I still don't have space for it, btw, and I firmly believe that if you're going to lay claim to an article that is so important that it must be kept, then you must be prepared to take possession of that article.  Otherwise, you can't compel other people to hold it for you if they don't want to.


I have the opposite problem.  There are family heirlooms that are sitting at my dad's house doing nothing, and my mom will NOT give them up, nor will she use them herself.  She said she was saving things "for when you have a home of your own."  Well, I have had my own home for six years.  I told her that I felt bad because I have to buy somebody else's heirlooms from the flea market and she finally coughed up some stuff I had in my room as a kid.  (I want the antique secretary with the china cabinet that is languishing under a sheet at my dad's.  I won't give up until I get it!)

I thought maybe she meant "for when you get married" but both my brother and sister are married and she won't give them anything either!

[Sirius]

I don't know where the "family heirlooms" from my grandfather's house went.  He had some very nice antique lawyer's bookshelves (I think that's what they're called - the ones with the glass fronts), a chiming clock, and a set of dishes I'd give my back teeth and both appendices for.  The dishes were of a rose pattern, and although they might not interest a real dish collector, I know that they're at least as old as my bro (45 years) because I remember them from when I was a very young child.  They also bring back memories of visiting Grandpa and all the fun we had when he'd be cooking in his huge kitchen and singing "When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder" (he couldn't carry a tune if it had handles).  I do know that some of them went to my aunt, but I don't know what or where they are now.  He remarried in 1976 to a wonderful lady, but because they kept their assets separate her heirs all but threw him out on the street after she died, so I wonder if they have them.  All he was allowed to take were his personal possessions and his dog. 

[blue2000]

If there are missing heirlooms, it's possible they got stuck in some distant relative's basement for storage and never made it out.
This happened to my grandmother's good china. She had a whole cabinet full. It was supposed to be divided up among the DILs and grandaughters (it is mostly odd pieces, not a set, but she still has quite a few nice things, and some with sentmental value).
My mother got all the boxes and was supposed to hold onto them until everyone could get together and divide it up fairly. Mother doesn't have a whole lot of patience, and NO respect for other people's things, so she's now put them away in HER china cabinet, and is using the antique china plates at holiday dinners.

[elliottsgirl]

Okay, now I feel guilty.

Why? If they're in good condition, collectible or otherwise useable, why not? Hand-me-downs can make good gifts. (So speaks the daughter of auction-lovers. Seriously the bulk of the items in my parents' house are defintely not new, very used and very nice.)

It's junk that you smile and say thanks on the way to the trash can.

I remember a while back on E-hell 1.0 there was a discussion where a man was tired of receiving yard sale junk (I believe there was some old vomit on the baby clothes.) from his mother. Worse, this junk was considered the birthday and holiday gifts (I think, I don't clearly remember). Apparently the mother did not have an issue with funds (as in that was all she could afford). She just didn't give any thought about what she was buying her granddaughter. That, I'd speak up about. Otherwise ... smile and toss!

Hi y'all!  First time poster, long time reader.  I just had to say that, oh my good grief , I thought my future  MIL was the only one who did this.

I have a DD from a previous relationship, and while my future MIL dotes on her to all her friends , all she and I receive for presents at Christmas are garage sale items.  My  FMIL is a  garage sale-a-holic, even though her and my FFIL have way more than enough money.  We also receive the 5 year old magazines.  I don't mind so much,Christmas is for the kids, but DD is 12 and has a hard time seeing all of her future step cousins open all these great gifts while she gets handed a bag of garage sale clothes.

It got so bad last year that my wonderful FSIL said that this year we weren't to buy her boys anything (even though I will) and that she would be sure to buy DD something special.

On Topic: In your situation, I would just say thanks and toss it when they go.  If they ever ask about anything they gave you, just say that you thought it would look great at your friends house so you gave it to her.

[QuilaZen]

I'll have to disagree with most of the other posters.  If my immediate family were consistently bringing us boxes of junk, I'd speak up about it.  If it were hubby's family, I'd have him do it. 

It could be something as simple as, "We appreciate you thinking of us, but our house is cramped and we're having a hard time fining a place/use for some of the stuff you bring.  How about calling us about the items before you come down?  That way, if we can't use them, you can give the other items to someone else who can use them. Also, don't forget that you can get a tax deduction for donating items to charity. [at least in the US]"

With my family, I'd be a little more blunt. "Mom, I really don't want your five year old magazines."  I'm not going to toss out other people's junk for them.  Besides, our city has a limit as to how many bags they allow you to toss at a given pick up.

My mother in law gives us thrift store items (mainly baby items), but she asks us if we can use an item before she gives it to us.

[scooter2071]

Whenever my stepmother in law gets rid of something, she tries to give it to us. Granted, we got a nice bookcase and chest of drawers but not everything she owns fits with my taste or in my house. When I was pregnant I became to dumping ground for everyone's ugly, broken down and dirty old baby stuff. It hurt my feelings a little, but I chose to think that they were only trying to help.
I don't care for hand me down clothes, except for playclothes for my son or things that don't look used. When confronted with the bag of junk, or my stepmother in law's cleaning out, we just politely say that the house is so full we couldn't possibly cram anything in, thank you so much for thinking of us....

Ugh, I have 2 closets full of stuff my SIL keeps bringing me. Not nice stuff and stuff she knows my kids won't fit into for another 3 years atleast! I know its just a convenient way for her to get rid of this junk.

[LazzKat]

I remember a while back on E-hell 1.0 there was a discussion where a man was tired of receiving yard sale junk (I believe there was some old vomit on the baby clothes.) from his mother. Worse, this junk was considered the birthday and holiday gifts (I think, I don't clearly remember). Apparently the mother did not have an issue with funds (as in that was all she could afford). She just didn't give any thought about what she was buying her granddaughter. That, I'd speak up about. Otherwise ... smile and toss!

That would be me.  After a good talking to, as described in eHell 1.0 (and for which I was soundly trashed), Mom did something of a turnaround.  She came for an extended visit and all went faily well.  When she asked about buying anything for the baby, I suggested a US Savings Bond.  (OK, so it's not necessarily the highest yield investment but it's a safe one with which she was more than familiar and felt good about.)  She's back home now and still at the flea markets but nothing else has shown up as a result of her shopping.

The latest is her efforts to clean out her basement and she's sending my old baby clothes and toys, but with no notes as to using them for my daughter.  She just attaches a note saying "These are yours now".  Almost everything gets pitched and she gets a thank you via email for the box received.

[Oxymoroness]

That would be me.  After a good talking to, as described in eHell 1.0 (and for which I was soundly trashed), Mom did something of a turnaround.  She came for an extended visit and all went faily well.  When she asked about buying anything for the baby, I suggested a US Savings Bond.  (OK, so it's not necessarily the highest yield investment but it's a safe one with which she was more than familiar and felt good about.)  She's back home now and still at the flea markets but nothing else has shown up as a result of her shopping.
The latest is her efforts to clean out her basement and she's sending my old baby clothes and toys, but with no notes as to using them for my daughter.  She just attaches a note saying "These are yours now".  Almost everything gets pitched and she gets a thank you via email for the box received.

I'm glad it's working out. At least she listend to you!

[Evil Duckie]

We had a couple of relatives that love to "help" us by giving us "junk". It was one person from each side of the family.

When I say junk I mean trash such as a worn out sofas with holes and burn marks, mattresses with holes. When they told us they were bring lightly used furniture we thought that they were talking about the items that they had been talking about selling that were lightly used and nice. That they sold. Afterwards DH and I told them that we had to inspect the items to see if they would go with our house and if it wouldn't then they could donate it. It solved the problem for us at least for furniture.

On knickknacks we still get those but not as much. I make sure that they don't have some family history behind them and then get rid of the rest.

[Texas Mom]

Regardless of their motivation, how can I ask them to no longer bring us these things without being rude about it?

Don't say anything except,  "Thank You, how nice of you to think of us."

Then, you can either throw the stuff away, donate it to goodwill or have a garage sale.

I had a neighbor who used to do that. 

[Balletmom]

I do believe, nothing beats my mother telling me she had my old tap shoes and she would bring them over for my daughters' dance.

Three key things:

I haven't worn tap shoes for 30 years.

They were  kept in a garage in Houston, Texas. You can visualize what plastic and leather does after 25 years in temperatures over 90 and under 40.

My daughters don't take tap.

I have no idea where the shoes went. Probably back to the garage.