But I can't SAY I agree with my MIL . . .

[Slartibartfast]

I dearly love my MIL; I really do.  But one of the things that is sometimes nice and sometimes not is how she will make little jokes out of everything - sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's PA, sometimes it's both, but it's driving me nuts now.

My DH (married 8 months now) has been unemployed for several months, and to be honest, isn't looking very hard.  It's driving me nuts, DH knows it, and it's a big source of stress between the two of us.  DH will readily admit that "industriousness" is not one of his strong points - I won't say he's lazy, but he's very bad at time management and procrastination, and generally with making himself do things he doesn't want to do.

Well MIL is making her little jokes about this, and I feel stuck.  Usually I can joke along with MIL on various things, but last night she said something about seeing a local government office and "It would be the perfect job for you!  Everyone was sitting around, talking, playing computer games, reading, and not doing any work!  Why don't you apply there?"

DH doesn't say anything (he is a really quiet guy), so I always feel like I need to make some comment to MIL after she makes one of her jokes.  For this kind of thing, though, I don't know what to say.  On the one hand, I do agree with her - DH is being lazy and needs to get up off his butt and apply to jobs.  On the other hand, I'm not going to take my MIL's side insulting my husband!  I try not to tell her anything I'm not 100% satisfied with DH about, because then he gets nagged about it from two fronts.

So what should I do?  I'm pretty sure DH isn't going to be employed again soon, so these kinds of comments will keep coming up, and I need to find a way to react to them that isn't ragging on my DH and isn't going to make my MIL hate me.  We do get along very well right now, and I don't want to ruin that.

[Lisbeth]

Why not say something to your MIL along the lines of:

"MIL, it's been quite some time since DH lost his job, and it looks like he's not going to find another one any time soon. We're finding that hearing jokes about it, however well they're meant, is making the situation worse instead of better, so we're not in the mood to laugh about it anymore.  Would you mind if we considered the subject off-limits for jokes from now on, please?"

[dawbs]

would it really be a bad thing if your quiet husband said nothing and you just stared at her quietly after she made such a joke?
The room would fill with awkward silence, you wouldn't be agreeing or disagreeing and she *might* take the hint.

(or you could always go with 'hm, I don't know what to say to that".  It tends to end conversation, but again, not always a bad thing)

[Slartibartfast]

That's pretty much what I did this time, dawbs - she was bustling around into the kitchen at that time, so I just didn't say anything and the conversation naturally stopped as she went into the other room.  I did turn to DH and whisper that I love him and despite my frustration with his job situation, I was not going to be ganging up on him for it, ever.  I think DH is somewhat used to his mother's PA nagging jokes - he ignores her most of the time, but I just can't do that.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Why not say something to your MIL along the lines of:

"MIL, it's been quite some time since DH lost his job, and it looks like he's not going to find another one any time soon. We're finding that hearing jokes about it, however well they're meant, is making the situation worse instead of better, so we're not in the mood to laugh about it anymore.  Let's consider the subject off-limits for jokes from now on, please."

I agree with KeenReader (with the exception underlined), or simply not saying anything.  1. It get's the point across, maybe not the first time, but eventually, you will have that awkward moment and it will work.  2. It's kind of between your husband and his mother. I know it hurts you, and usually I am an advocate for sticking up for each other (hence my agreement with KennReader's suggestion), but really, she's probably been this way his whole life, and he's just learned to let it roll off his back. 

[MsEva]

You are smart by not saying anything about how you feel about your DHs handling of this situation to his mother. However, I don't think that you should say anything to her about her actions towards him. Maybe this was the only way she could get him to do things when he was younger and she's trying to help in the only way she knows how. Your husband should speak to his mother if he has a problem with it.

[Chocolate Cake]

Absolutely agree!

[miranova]

I commend you for not laughing along, even when you somewhat agree with her.  Your husband needs to know that you are on his side; and it appears that you are communicating that to him very well. 

I also agree that this is kind of between him and his mother.  If it bothers him enough to say something, he will.  I wouldn't specifically bring it up with her.  I like the silence idea.  It may take a few times, but when no one laughs, she will get tired of making the joke.

[ZipTheWonder]

I try not to tell her anything I'm not 100% satisfied with DH about, because then he gets nagged about it from two fronts.

Go with that.  I think it's very wise.  Let HER be the mother.  YOU can be the wife. 

[Tabris]

I wouldn't respond at all when the MIL gets going on the comments. As soon as you get in the middle, you're creating a triangle situation where you and she are tense and she and your husband are distant.

Ideally, she should deal directly with him. Let her do it. Leave the room if you have to. But if it's just her and him and no triangle, they'll work it out.

I figure, it sounds like your husband wants to be rescued, at least in the employment arena. I wouldn't do it in the social situation. Put him in an uncomfortable position with his mom and let him defend himself.

Also, it kind of gets through to your husband that you don't exactly approve of waiting for employers to line up on your front doorstep begging for him to join them.

[ccnumber4]

I agree, let him fight his own battle here if he chooses to.  By the way, and I am sorry if this is  incorrect, but are you the  same poster whose husband refuses to write thank you notes for the wedding gifts?  I know that is not relevant to this particular post, but if this is the same husband, I'd say he has plenty of time for those thank you notes! 

[Mikayla]

Hi.  I'm with those who say ignore it.

If it was anyone besides his mother, it would be different.  But with a mom (especially with an overall healthy relationship), this may be something he's grown accustomed to and may even prefer, simply because it's familiar.

Obviously, if it starts to get to him, that's different.  But even then, it's best addressed by him, imo.

Good luck!

[Slartibartfast]

I agree, let him fight his own battle here if he chooses to.  By the way, and I am sorry if this is  incorrect, but are you the  same poster whose husband refuses to write thank you notes for the wedding gifts?  I know that is not relevant to this particular post, but if this is the same husband, I'd say he has plenty of time for those thank you notes! 

Yes, and we had a big fight this morning because he refuses to do housework too    I think that if you are at home (i.e. the one in the relationship not working full-time), you are responsible for keeping the house clean.  He doesn't think he should have to do any cleaning that doesn't bother him (like, if he doesn't notice the bathroom is disgusting and doesn't care, he shouldn't have to clean it - extend that to every aspect of the house.)  He promised to do two hours' worth of dishes before I got home today (and yes, we have a few from before Thanksgiving that he promised to clean then and I refuse to touch, and they're so disgusting now I couldn't touch them even if I wanted to).  If I get home and they're not done, I am going to MIL's house for the night.  And probably taking the router so he can't get on the Internet while I'm gone.  And I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering driving back to my parents house (12 hours away) on Monday if he turns this into some sort of "you can't make me" game.  I hate thinking I made a mistake in marrying this guy I love so much, but I can't go through the next 70 years of my life doing 99% of the giving in our relationship.

My workday ends in 10 minutes, and then it's time to find out . . . I'm kind of scared to go home.

[Tabris]

Yikes! 

So he doesn't bring home the bacon and he doesn't fry it up in a pan...

[kethria]

I agree, let him fight his own battle here if he chooses to.  By the way, and I am sorry if this is  incorrect, but are you the  same poster whose husband refuses to write thank you notes for the wedding gifts?  I know that is not relevant to this particular post, but if this is the same husband, I'd say he has plenty of time for those thank you notes! 

Yes, and we had a big fight this morning because he refuses to do housework too    I think that if you are at home (i.e. the one in the relationship not working full-time), you are responsible for keeping the house clean.  He doesn't think he should have to do any cleaning that doesn't bother him (like, if he doesn't notice the bathroom is disgusting and doesn't care, he shouldn't have to clean it - extend that to every aspect of the house.)  He promised to do two hours' worth of dishes before I got home today (and yes, we have a few from before Thanksgiving that he promised to clean then and I refuse to touch, and they're so disgusting now I couldn't touch them even if I wanted to).  If I get home and they're not done, I am going to MIL's house for the night.  And probably taking the router so he can't get on the Internet while I'm gone.  And I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering driving back to my parents house (12 hours away) on Monday if he turns this into some sort of "you can't make me" game.  I hate thinking I made a mistake in marrying this guy I love so much, but I can't go through the next 70 years of my life doing 99% of the giving in our relationship.

My workday ends in 10 minutes, and then it's time to find out . . . I'm kind of scared to go home.

Awwww... I'm sorry. My DH was the same. I feel your pain.