To Invite or Not to Invite? What would you do?

[Jen15210]

My friend and I were pregnant, I was due in December, she was due in January.  I gave birth to a baby boy and her baby girl was passed away during an emergency c-section earlier this month.  I sent a sympathy card as soon as I heard the news, but we have not spoke.  I am having my baby baptized next month and do not know how she would take an invitation to his baptism.  I don't know what to do, has this happened to any of you?  What would you do?

[Sharnita]

If she were a really good/close friend I might contact her mom/hubby/sis someon and ask what they thought. Otherwise I don't think I'd invite.

[ZipTheWonder]

I would informalize this invitation by calling her and telling her that you want her to feel included if she is up to attending the baptism, but if she is not, you understand what a sensitive time this is for her and will keep her and her family in your prayers.  If you have her email address, you can informalize it even further, so that she doesn't have to have an emotional telephone conversation just now.

My sense is that she is probably still much too raw to attend an infant's baptism, but that is something only she really knows.

[miranova]

That is really really hard.  However, I wouldn't assume that she doesn't want an invitation.  She might take that to mean that you think that the two of you can't be friends now that she lost her baby.  How about calling her personally?  If she is close enough to invite to the baptism, then surely she is close enough to you for you to call and say "I would like to invite you to baby's baptism, but please know that I would completely understand if it would be too difficult for you to attend."  Then ALSO offer to visit with her another time.  She could probably use the friendship right now.  That way you are still including her, and the choice is up to her.  Otherwise, it's kind of like you are adding insult to injury by not including her.  

[melodrama]

Call your friend, just to chat.  Don't bring up your son or her daughter.  Just ask how she's doing and be her friend.  I wouldn't bring up the baptism at all, unless she thinks to ask when you're having it.  If it's clear that she's not up to talking, then you'll have to respect that for a while.  

If, after a couple of chats, she seems receptive to hearing you talk about your son, mention the baptism and say that you'd love for her to be there, but you understand if it would be too painful.

[Just Lori]

I agree with the others.  You have to talk honestly.  Call her and say, "Friend, my heart is broken over your loss, and I don't want to cause you any further pain.  You tell me what's best for you.  Do you feel comfortable hearing about the baby?  Would you want to be invited to the baptism?  Would you prefer we go out for coffee and stay away from baby-related subjects?  Would you prefer I sit back and wait for you to call me when the time is right?  It's up to you, and I accept whever you are at this point.

I think the best thing you could do is offer her a chance to express her feelings safely, without fear of hurting your feelings.

[goblue2539]

Having been in a slightly different but totally related situation, I feel pretty confident saying don't wait.  Call her now.  Be honest.  Tell her you want to be there but you don't know what to do.  Ask her if there's anything right now, and ask her if she'll remember to call you if she thinks of anything.  If you can work it naturally into the conversation, tell her you want to invite her but are concerned about her feelings.  Just, don't wait.  She will most likely begin thinking she's lost you or just flat out lost in general if you don't reach out first.  It's really hard to do, but it'll be worth it. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

I agree with the others.  You have to talk honestly.  Call her and say, "Friend, my heart is broken over your loss, and I don't want to cause you any further pain.  You tell me what's best for you.  Do you feel comfortable hearing about the baby?  Would you want to be invited to the baptism?  Would you prefer we go out for coffee and stay away from baby-related subjects?  Would you prefer I sit back and wait for you to call me when the time is right?  It's up to you, and I accept whever you are at this point.

I think the best thing you could do is offer her a chance to express her feelings safely, without fear of hurting your feelings.

I think this is perfect.

[SunkissableOne]

I agree with everyone else.  I think the best thing to do is talk to her.  Be up front and tell her that if she doesn't feel up to it that it is ok and that maybe the two of you could have some girl time to help cheer her up.

[sammycat]

I second talking to her mother or sister if you're in a position to do so.  If not, then definitely talk to her now.  Do not just spring a written invitation on her out of the blue (I'm sure you wouldn't but it has happened to me).

I've been on your friend's end of things.   My friend and I were pregnant and due at the same time but I lost my baby as it was ectopic.  When I told her my situation she said "I'm glad it's you and not me".  I should have cut her off then and there I suppose. Her mother invited me to the baby shower, which I thought was insensitive. I'm sure it was meant in the best possible spirit but at the time I felt as though she was throwing things in my face.  Friend then also invited me to the christening which I declined.  Actually I felt that she wouldn't understand my reasons for not going so I just said that we had something else on that day and didn't mention the real reason, ie. it being too painful.  To be honest I felt quite angry that she even invited me.  My feelings at the time were "why is she trying to throw her baby in my face when she knows I don't have mine?"  Logically (hopefully) I'm sure she wasn't doing that but those are the thoughts that run through your mind in a situation like this.

You are being a very good friend to consider her feelings in this way.

[stacykk]

I agree with the posters who suggested calling her and asking her how she feels about being invited.  Done in the way it's been offered here, she will still feel she's included (that you haven't brushed her aside, that you are still her friend), but has the opportunity to decline if she's not ready.

[DottyG]

I agree with the others.  You have to talk honestly.  Call her and say, "Friend, my heart is broken over your loss, and I don't want to cause you any further pain.  You tell me what's best for you.  Do you feel comfortable hearing about the baby?  Would you want to be invited to the baptism?  Would you prefer we go out for coffee and stay away from baby-related subjects?  Would you prefer I sit back and wait for you to call me when the time is right?  It's up to you, and I accept whever you are at this point.

I think the best thing you could do is offer her a chance to express her feelings safely, without fear of hurting your feelings.

I think this is perfect.

I don't think I could come up with a more perfect way to put it.  Like rdge, I agree completely.

[sandy]

I would definately not just send an invitation. I like the idea of sending her a handwritten note, telling her your thinking of her, how sorry you are and dont be afraid to mention how precious her daughter was, that she was a very special baby, and you just want to be there for her in however she feels comfortable, whether that is avoiding baby talk for the next year, and just meeting for coffee without kids along, I think the 2 best things you could do is let her know youre there for her on her terms, and to validate the value of her baby's life. SOme poeple t hink if the baby died preterm or during birth it's not as much of a loss, so affirming to her what a special angel her baby is, will mean alot. You could make a little card, with an angel and something like her name and a pink bow and even write something like you are thinking of her and her little angel. Then, if she wants to talk more about her baby, she will know you are a safe person to go to, and that you will not avoid talking about it, which could be important to her after a time.

[MineralDiva]

I would informalize this invitation by calling her and telling her that you want her to feel included if she is up to attending the baptism, but if she is not, you understand what a sensitive time this is for her and will keep her and her family in your prayers.  If you have her email address, you can informalize it even further, so that she doesn't have to have an emotional telephone conversation just now.

My sense is that she is probably still much too raw to attend an infant's baptism, but that is something only she really knows.

I agree.  Though I wouldn't informalize it further with an email that might appear cold, when that is not the intention.  Much better to hear a kind and sympathetic voice.