Should I Give at the Office?

[Tagy]

A coworker recently circulated an e mail around the office suggesting that everyone pitch in to buy a gift card for the woman who runs our mailroom, a single mother of three who is not terribly well paid.  Coworker (who is this woman's boss) mentioned in the e mail that the mailroom lady has been having a difficult time financially and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this holiday season without some help.

I don't make much more than the mailroom lady, but I wanted to pitch in because she really is a lovely lady.  Then today, I happened to sit with this woman at lunch and heard her telling our dining companions about the laptop computer she just bought herself and mentioning how her cell phone bill was almost nine hundred dollars for the third month in a row and the new stereo she ordered for her car.  All this in one conversation!

Am I being mean and small because I no longer feel like I want to help her out?  Should I make a token donation and forget about it?

[Betsy]

On one hand I have to play office politics and say that yes you should give a token amount b/c then noone will have a reason to point you out.

On the other hand I hate people who cant manage their money. I mean really... I had a cell phone bill top $100 once and its never topped it again... what does a person possibly do to make it $900?!

Personally I would put a couple dollars in to make nice to the people who you do care about and respect in your office and just leave it at that. Maybe she was exagerating about what shes bought.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I dont think you are mean or small in this instance.  You wanted to give based on the idea that she was in financial hardship (an idea you got from a secondary source), but then you found evidence (direct evidence) that she wasnt actually in financial hardship, so your giving isnt really necessary anymore.  I dont consider that mean or small. 

As an aside - I personally dont believe in giving "charity" to co-workers for various reasons.  It brings everyone's personal situation into the office arena, and is REALLY subjective (eg - someone said she was in financial hardship, then she complains about over two thousand dollas of luxury expenses, sounds a little fishy to me).  Personally, I wouldnt want people discussing my financial situation and taking a donation for me.  Even if you come from an office where this is accepted behavior, your giving in only up to YOU. 

[Chocolate Cake]

Nope, don't give.  Anybody who whines about not having money for her kid's Christmas gifts and in the next breath talks about the laptop she just bought isn't a true charity case.   

If I were you, I would quietly mentioned what you overheard to the co-worker who is coordinating the fund drive so she can save her efforts for someone with real needs.

[kingsrings]

I dont think you are mean or small in this instance.  You wanted to give based on the idea that she was in financial hardship (an idea you got from a secondary source), but then you found evidence (direct evidence) that she wasnt actually in financial hardship, so your giving isnt really necessary anymore.  I dont consider that mean or small. 

As an aside - I personally dont believe in giving "charity" to co-workers for various reasons.  It brings everyone's personal situation into the office arena, and is REALLY subjective (eg - someone said she was in financial hardship, then she complains about over two thousand dollas of luxury expenses, sounds a little fishy to me).  Personally, I wouldnt want people discussing my financial situation and taking a donation for me.  Even if you come from an office where this is accepted behavior, your giving in only up to YOU. 

Agree with you. Many people in an office environment would not want their private life and personal problems broadcast and discussed throughout the whole office. If I were in that situation, I would be absolutely mortified and humiliated to be looked at as the poor, pitiful one.

That woman reminds me of the mother of one of my childhood friends. They were always involved in stuff like the free school lunch program and free holiday dinner giveaways. Yet the mom seemed to be able to cough up enough cash to buy a VCR (this was back in the early 80's, when they were very expensive) and other nicetities.
The problem wasn't them being poor, she just didn't care enough about her kids to provide for them.

[sysprog]

I agree with giving a token amount so as not to look like a cheapskate.

But still...a $900 cell phone bill...for the third straight month?  Unless there are extenuating circumstances, that would represent about 30 HOURS of air time.  Someone needs to slap that woman.

Because my mother was diagnosed recently with Alzheimer's Disease I spent a lot of time on the phone in October and November with her healthcare providers, and my monthly bill, with the extra minutes, was only about $55.

[Clara Bow]

Give a token amount and let it be done. How in the world does one get a nine hundred dollar cell phone bill three times!!!??? That would buy all my Christmas for like the next three or four years, including some very swanky pj's for myself....

[Akarui Kibuno]

Hmm, I felt sympathetic up until the point where you mention the things the woman says she has bought.

I mean, hmm, okay, sometimes you can have different "envelopes" of money for different things (like keeping your money separate for groceries, fun, clothing, and stuff) but I'm sorry, when one envelope, like groceries or bills, is empty, well, you just empty the others. See what I mean ?

For example, I'm not in such a nice financial condition myself. People could have had that thought about me. But why am I in this situation, you might ask ? I used my store's credit card and maxed it (I work for the store) and, while maxing it, I bought all of the Sims 2 games existings (minus Pets) , I bought myself an mp3 player, stuff like that... I would totally understand that someone wanting to help me would be pissed off by this, even though no one should judge what I spend.

There's a friend, for example, I lent 300 euros to. She's been in a dire financial situation lately but has done some things (went for a haircut, bought DVDs, little "trinkets" like that) during the year (been almost a year since I lent the money) that could have amounted to the money she owes me. Then I figured, hmm, she needs to take the stress off, after all these troubles... plus now she has a baby boy, so she needs all the rest she can get. Sure, I might be leaning on the "You're not going to see your money again" side, but as of now, I'm just thinking she deserves to be enjoying herself a little.

The woman in the OP, on the other hand ? Total crass. Here they are, all the coworkers, thinking she's suffering such financial hardship that she can't let her children have a decent Christmas... and poof, next thing they know, same coworkers hear her bragging about new expensive stuff.

I wouldn't give a dime and would tell the others "chipping in" coworkers why.

[EvilAlice]

I agree with giving a token amount so as not to look like a cheapskate.

I heartily disagree.  What you choose to do with your own money is your own business and needs no justification.  People may judge you a cheapskate for not giving.  Others might judge you for being foolish enough to give money to someone who can't handle it.

Why is what anyone besides the person whose money it is a factor at all here?  Besides, it's nice to get a reputation for being cheap.  They'll leave you alone every time birthday, wedding, My Kid is Selling This Stuff, and shower envelopes go around too.

It annoys me how some workplaces act like the workers are just there for the fun of it, and just waiting for the opportunity to pass on their earnings to those around them. 

[JeanFromBNA]

When approached by charities that I don't trust, I tell them that I already have my giving plan for this year, which is true.

Of course, if you think it's worth it to avoid a hassle, then just give a dollar or two.  You won't look like a cheapskate when her actual financial issues come to light eventually.

[sammycat]

I would be absolutely mortified and humiliated beyond belief if I found out that a co-worker, or anyone for that matter, was going around collecting money for me as a charity case.  Not to mention the invasion of privacy that the original coworker breached in circulating an email about someone else's finances.

That aside, in this instance I wouldn't give a single penny as she is obviously spending the money she DOES have on non-essentials.  Maybe any money collected should go towards a book on budgeting for this woman.

Like some of the other posters, I am trying to figure out how someone could run up a mobile phone bill of $900, and not just once but three times!!

[Oxymoroness]

I mean, hmm, okay, sometimes you can have different "envelopes" of money for different things (like keeping your money separate for groceries, fun, clothing, and stuff) but I'm sorry, when one envelope, like groceries or bills, is empty, well, you just empty the others. See what I mean ?

I completely agree. DH and I rarely buy anything for ourselves out of our budget. But when money from Christmas or birthdays or unexpected bonuses, we do allow ourselves a little fun. On the outside it certainly appears that we're poor money managers because the expensive things and few niceties we do have. But the only reason that we have them at all is because we're good at managing our money.

That said, I rarely give to work charities. I may pitch in for a gift if I like (or respect) the person, but if I'm going to give to charity, I'll give to one that I know. Not to a random person on the street. (Been there, been burned.) 

[Lisbeth]

I'd decline to help without mentioning the mailroom woman, as in, "Thanks, but my money is budgeted-I don't have any to spare."

[Twik]

Well, on the one hand, I'd feel sorry for the kids who truly may not get anything for Christmas.

On the other hand, I have a feeling that if one simply handed spendthrift colleage some money, it might get spent on more cell-phone time. I'm wondering if the whole thing might have been started by spendthrift, or at least that she hinted pretty heavily.

Would it be possible to send toys/clothes/books instead of simply donating cash?

[Adah]

It's very inconsiderate for anyone to make assumptions about the financial health of others. There could well be other employees who are dealing with even more severe financial hardships, yet no one is taking up a collection for them. In addition, I am allergic to people who try to guilt others into making "charitable" contributions. I would not give a penny, especially in light of her recent purchases. Perhaps you could provide this woman's supervisor the contact for Toys for Tots or some other charity that provides gifts to children of low-income families.