They are my clothes!

[ehartsay]

Personally, I do not see anyhitng in these posts which does not necessarily 'ring true'. I am 28 and I remember MANY issues with my grandmotherr when I was in highschool, only a scanty few being not being allowed to wear shorts or skirts shorter than the knee, the idea of *gasp* wearing a tampon being beyond the pale, not being allowed to wear makeup or perfume, read a romance novel or listen to anything but classical music without being browbreaten....

[Sterling]

Ah make up and tampons.  I had that with my mother.  she didn't want me to do either until I was out of her house.  She believed the old wives tale that you lose your virginity if you use a tampon.  Of course she was raised by the before mentioned grandma so i guess I see where she got it.

Also She was a teen in the 1960's and were she was raised no one wore bikinis.  It was considered trashy.

[Slartibartfast]

If I recall correctly, Ko-Ko, you are a teenager and have chosen a rather non-traditional appearance, right?  (I don't remember what, but I got the impression you had dyed your hair a non-natural color?  Or am I mixing this up with someone else?)  Even speaking as a not-so-long-ago teenager who tried VERY hard to look and act all adult, I had issues with a number of adults who couldn't respect me because I wasn't {in college, grown-up, married, a mother of three, Baptist, etc}.  There was nothing I could do to change this - until I finished college and got married, I was a "kid" that needed watching in case I did something deserving discipline.  And yes, grandparents and random strangers felt obligated to say some rude things they would never say to someone they considered a peer.

I love everything else about being 25, but I wish people would give up on that and start treating me like a real adult now :-|

[jaxsue]

I can believe all of the OP's story. For me, it was my mother (and dad) who obsessed over what I wore. I grew up in the 70s, when shorts were very short and tight (think Daisy Duke). My parents wanted me to dress as if it was 1950! They thought "clam diggers" would be just fine - ugh. It was as if my choice in clothes would bring down western civilization.

The bathing suits my parents approved of were hideous. They had to have full lining - with a girdle, really. I refused and wore suits that were more fashionable. Never a bikini, though. That would have set off WWIII.

Like another poster said, if you were raised Baptist the girls and boys swam separately, no 2-pieces allowed, and you wore a covering up until the time you stepped into the water.

I so do NOT miss those days!!

[JudiAU]

All gifts require a thank you note, PA or not. It is up to you whether you give away said PA gift.

[Ko-Ko]

If I recall correctly, Ko-Ko, you are a teenager and have chosen a rather non-traditional appearance, right?  (I don't remember what, but I got the impression you had dyed your hair a non-natural color?  Or am I mixing this up with someone else?)  Even speaking as a not-so-long-ago teenager who tried VERY hard to look and act all adult, I had issues with a number of adults who couldn't respect me because I wasn't {in college, grown-up, married, a mother of three, Baptist, etc}.  There was nothing I could do to change this - until I finished college and got married, I was a "kid" that needed watching in case I did something deserving discipline.  And yes, grandparents and random strangers felt obligated to say some rude things they would never say to someone they considered a peer.

I love everything else about being 25, but I wish people would give up on that and start treating me like a real adult now :-|

I think you've got me confused with somebody else, as my hair has been brown since it changed natuallywhen I was little. And I look pretty normal, except for the four earrings in each ear, the lip piercing, the tongue piercing, the leg piercing, dragon tatoo on my back, and the frying pan I like to wear as a hat.  But even if I had a non traditional appearance that is no excuse for people to act badly. Sadly, I wish more people like all of you knew this. 

Ko-Ko

[kiero]

Let's just say - I don't think the gift was PA.

I think your grandma is trying to do something for you.  She sees you lacking something (a 'proper' swimsuit) and is trying to fill that void.  Whether you agree with her judgement is another questions.

Think of it this way.  If you went to visit your granddaughter (let's go into the future and your GDD is 10 or so) and found that she didn't have any books.  And she says "but grandma - everyone reads everything online".  And then you decided to share with her the joys of reading a paper book - would that be PA?  No, because in your view you would be trying to help her.  

I had a grandmother who would routinely do things she though were nice.  She taught me how to embroider and knitt.  I was the biggest tomboy.  But she would call me in from playing to teach me how to bake a cake and make a pie (by the way, she always thought that distinction was important, it's how you bake a cake which is important and how you make a pie which is special).  At the time I thought she was imposing her atiquated notions that women are supposed to run the household on me.  But now as I knitt for fun and make pies to take to people's houses I realise that it was a gift.  

Maybe I'm being too charitable to your granny.  But I can see the similarities.  She wants to help you tunr into a good adult.  And in her mind she is telling you things that will help with this - it's all well meaning.  

[Ko-Ko]

Koko, where are your parents in all of this?  Your grandmother is concerned and well-meaning, but I think it is your parents who shold be monitoring whether your clothing is sufficiently modest, and I'm curious as to why your mother or father hasn't intervened.

They usually at least say something, but my father is somewhat spineless around his mother as she is very domineering. It's usually something like, "Mom, I know you mean well, but Ko-Ko is allowed to wear this outfit, see those people/ eat five hundred pounds of chocolate/ date Billy Boyd." But she only listens when she feels like it.  

Ko-Ko

[Ko-Ko]

Let's just say - I don't think the gift was PA.

I think your grandma is trying to do something for you.  She sees you lacking something (a 'proper' swimsuit) and is trying to fill that void.  Whether you agree with her judgement is another questions.

Think of it this way.  If you went to visit your granddaughter (let's go into the future and your GDD is 10 or so) and found that she didn't have any books.  And she says "but grandma - everyone reads everything online".  And then you decided to share with her the joys of reading a paper book - would that be PA?  No, because in your view you would be trying to help her.  

I had a grandmother who would routinely do things she though were nice.  She taught me how to embroider and knitt.  I was the biggest tomboy.  But she would call me in from playing to teach me how to bake a cake and make a pie (by the way, she always thought that distinction was important, it's how you bake a cake which is important and how you make a pie which is special).  At the time I thought she was imposing her atiquated notions that women are supposed to run the household on me.  But now as I knitt for fun and make pies to take to people's houses I realise that it was a gift.  

Maybe I'm being too charitable to your granny.  But I can see the similarities.  She wants to help you tunr into a good adult.  And in her mind she is telling you things that will help with this - it's all well meaning.  

You're probably at least somewhat right. It's just that she always has to get involved in things, and it gets annoying, even if she is only trying to help in her extremely whacked out way.

Ko-Ko

[Slartibartfast]

I look pretty normal, except for the four earrings in each ear, the lip piercing, the tongue piercing, the leg piercing, dragon tatoo on my back, and the frying pan I like to wear as a hat. 

Ah, must be the frying pan that I remembered 

I think this came up in a thread lamenting one of the Agony Aunt's responses to a teenager complaining she was followed around in a store - but honestly, if someone chooses to make their appearance fit a demographic that's known for causing problems (YES, I'm looking at you, gangster-wannabe-but-you-don't-look-so-cool-showing-those-polka-dotted-boxers-under-your-sagging-jeans library patrons!), they're going to have people treat them like they belong to that group.  Dress like a mom and strangers leave their kids near you assuming you'll babysit; dress like a hooker and you'll have a whole different set of assumptions to work with :-P  Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to "not look like a teenager" if you are one . . .

[Suze]

could it be that Granny was a "wild child" in her younger days? 

We had a few really - really - straight laced women in the plant when I first started working there.  Who like your Grandma were VERY critical of "a whole lot of stuff"

Then I found out some stories through the grapevine that they were pretty wild when they were young. (Dad knew a lot of stories about a lot of people)

 And I think that they turned all uptight on their own kids and grandkids to try to keep them from making some "big mistake" in their lives.

Maybe Grandma falls into this catagory?

[MineralDiva]

Yes, a thank you note should be written.  But what I wonder is, why is Grandma's mind always in the gutter?

[Lisbeth]

Unfortunately, you have to send thank-you notes for all gifts, even if they are passive-aggressive or you otherwise don't like them.

But you don't have to keep the gift.

[gjcva1]

KoKo, i know that granny is a major league pain in your butt at your age.  but i wonder how you will feel when she is no longer here?  i know she doesn't say anything that makes sense to you.  i get that, and i have been in your shoes.  but i can't help thinking that she loves you, even with gifting you with the one-piece bathing suit.  i just ask you to think of that (cuss it all to tarnation, i must be getting really old now!).

instead of the confrontational behavior, can you spend some time just listening to her?  ask for stories, and listen to what she says.  it's hard when someone has been so critical, i know. but maybe she just needs someone to listen to her, and to validate her.  if nothing else, i certainly hope that you have been taught to respect your elders.  the respect that you give your grandmother may pay you in ways you can't appreciate now.  and yes, i say this having had an extremely difficult and critical grandmother.  but she's been gone for years, and i do miss my grandmother so much.

[Tabris]

KoKo, do you ever swim when grandma is around? If so, maybe you might keep the one-piece suit for those rare times, just to forestall more fights.

It's not as if she's asking you to wear a full diving outfit that covers you from wrists to ankles, after all.

What I'm hearing from you in these stories about your grandmother is that she thinks you can do nothing right, and YOU think SHE can do nothing right. You've got to back off.

Why do you have to back off? Because SHE isn't going to back down, and someone has to. Is that unfair? Yes, but you know what? It will be a lot easier in the long run if you let these stupid little control issues go, let her win a few fights, and allow her to relax a bit and feel she has some influence in your life. In order to change the way you two relate, you're first going to have to change the way you relate to her. Right now, your entire relationship is one circle of nonproductive anger patterns. Do you REALLY want that stress every time you interact?

Part of growing up is knowing when to walk away from a dogfight. Three years from now, what do you stand to lose if you give in now? Three years from now, what do you stand to have gained? It's negligible. Let this go. Write her a nice note. Wear the stupid swimsuit when she may see you. Quit taking every criticism of your life as a knife to the heart. Find some common ground with her. Once you stop being eternally defensive, you may find she stops being continuously offensive.