Standing up to a formerly toxic parent

[RoseRose]

My father used to be toxic.  He's started to get better, but he's not all the way there.

I'm now 19 and starting to assert the fact I'm now an adult.  My dad's treating me like an adult in most ways, but when he makes comments that I don't think he realizes are hurtful, but I do, I'm scared of saying something, because he's been known to say "Well, it's true, isn't it?"  I want to have a rel@tionship with my father, and I want to end the hurtful talk, but, he's not very open to correction or criticism, and I want to do it without harming the fact that we're starting to build a healthy rel@tionship- but I know it won't be healthy if these comments don't stop.  I'm also having trouble reminding MYSELF that I'm an adult, and not to be scared of my father anymore.

Over this past winter break he made a few comments that I don't think were meant to be hurtful, but they were.  If he repeats these comments, or similar ones, how should I deal with it?  Here are the two comments I remember the most (probably because they were the most hurtful).

The first one was, as I walked into the room, "You look like you've gained weight."  (The next day, a friend I hadn't seen in a few months said it looked like I had lost weight.)

The second one, we were talking about my late mother, "You don't hide the weight as well as she did."

What do I say to these comments?

(By the way, I'm 5'2",  and around 180 lbs, and I wear size 14 jeans, but a size 18 dress [I'm chestheavy])

[aloe]

Maybe-- "It hurts my feelings when you say that."  Or add to that, "Please don't say that again to me."

I've used these statements before and they worked, the first one with my Dad about my weight, too. 

[SunkissableOne]

I can really sympathize with you.  I had a step dad that was just as cruel when I was in high school.  It got to be pretty bad so I suggest doing something now before it gets any worse.  My step dad started with those kinds of comments.  He use to tell me that I wasn't pretty enough to win pageants...I became the town beauty queen much to his disbelief.  When he said these things I'd just ignore him even though it really hurt and it only got much worse.  I finally ended up moving out for good once he told me I should drive my car into a tree.  Perhaps your situation isn't quite severe, but please....try to talk to him.  Tell him that it hurts you.  I think aloe's suggestion is a good start.

[Venus193]

The problem is that toxic people don't care how much their comments hurt.  Most get off on hurting and controlling people.  My suggestion is the following:

TF:   You look like you've gained weight.
You:  Thank you.  By the way, your boss just called.

TF:  You don't hide the weight as well as your mother did.
You: Mother hid many things well.  What time did you day you'd be leaving?

In other words, pretend this doesn't hurt and immediately change the subject as though his comments were of no importance.  This helps you to trivialize them internally while sending the message that you are not a target anymore.

[KeenReader]

My father used to be toxic.  He's started to get better, but he's not all the way there.

I'm now 19 and starting to assert the fact I'm now an adult.  My dad's treating me like an adult in most ways, but when he makes comments that I don't think he realizes are hurtful, but I do, I'm scared of saying something, because he's been known to say "Well, it's true, isn't it?"  I want to have a rel@tionship with my father, and I want to end the hurtful talk, but, he's not very open to correction or criticism, and I want to do it without harming the fact that we're starting to build a healthy rel@tionship- but I know it won't be healthy if these comments don't stop.  I'm also having trouble reminding MYSELF that I'm an adult, and not to be scared of my father anymore.

Over this past winter break he made a few comments that I don't think were meant to be hurtful, but they were.  If he repeats these comments, or similar ones, how should I deal with it?  Here are the two comments I remember the most (probably because they were the most hurtful).

The first one was, as I walked into the room, "You look like you've gained weight."  (The next day, a friend I hadn't seen in a few months said it looked like I had lost weight.)

The second one, we were talking about my late mother, "You don't hide the weight as well as she did."

What do I say to these comments?

(By the way, I'm 5'2",  and around 180 lbs, and I wear size 14 jeans, but a size 18 dress [I'm chestheavy])

I'd tell him, "Dad, whether or not it's true doesn't change the fact that it's very hurtful for you to keep bringing it up.  From now on, I will not discuss matters of weight or personal appearance with you."

[RoseRose]

Thanks for all the advice!  I hope it will work.  I'll give it a shot...

And do you think the same advice will work with my grandmother?

[aloe]

Maybe...it's worth a try. 
I hope things work out for the best for you.  I like your attitude of taking steps to no longer have to listen to those comments.

[Oxymoroness]

What do I say to these comments?

For any weight comment, "I am well aware of how much I weigh, but I would rather not discuss it with you. Thank you for your concern."

[RoseRose]

Maybe...it's worth a try. 
I hope things work out for the best for you.  I like your attitude of taking steps to no longer have to listen to those comments.

The attitude comes from sheer WEARINESS that even now that I'm in college, he's found something new to say that's hurtful.  I'm no longer a child, I no longer have to deal with his attitude about things.  I'd rather not cut off contact (he IS much better than he was when I was in high school... I just don't have the patience for it anymore), but I want to not dread seeing him.

[Sophia]

If he is really trying to have a healthy rel@tionship with you, telling him his comments are hurtful might work.  You might also want to tell him what you just said to us, that you do not want to dread seeing him.  He needs to realize the stakes. 

[Slartibartfast]

"Dad, I'm not willing to discuss my weight with you.  I'm happy with myself the way I am."

"Dad, that's not your call.  I'm happy with the way I do X."

A recommendation that I've heard but never had occasion to use, for someone who keeps saying mean things even though they're trying to get better - make an agreement that every time they say something mean, you can ask them to give you a complement.  I'm told this really works well.

Dad:  Wow, you've really gained weight!
You:  Dad, I told you I won't discuss my weight with you, and that was very rude.  Could you think of something to compliment me on to balance that out?
Dad:  Oh, sorry.  Um, you do have your mother's beautiful eyes . . .

[caranfin]

"That's a very tactless thing to say."

"Well, it's true, isn't it?"

"Yes, and it's also true that it was very tactless of you to say it. Just like it would be tactless for me to point out your (receeding hairline/beer belly/old man hair in the ears/whatever)."

[Courtney]

"Dad, what are your reasons for saying that and how do you expect me to respond?"

[RoseRose]

These are all great suggestions!  Thank you!

[Tabris]

I like Venus's suggestions best, honestly. Respond just enough to let him know you heard it and then immediately change the subject by asking a question. "Yeah, I thought that myself. Did you see my cell phone charger?"

I think the most important thing to remember is that whatever he says isn't true. Or at least, he isn't saying something because it's *true* but because it's *reactive* for you. There are lots of other true things he isn't saying, one assumes, despite the fact that they're true, like "Wow, that blouse really looks nice on you!" or "I've been very impressed with your study habits" or "I'm thankful that you're a hard worker." Instead he tells yousomething that's bound to get a reaction from you. By not providing any reaction at all, other than a vague acknowledgment that he said something, and then changing the subject, you make the game less fun for him, and he'll first escalate his behavior, and then he'll go seek out another target.

Good luck.