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  • August 04, 2015, 01:15:08 PM

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Author Topic: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma  (Read 7435 times)

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weeblewobble

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #180 on: Today at 12:01:20 PM »
3) I agree with everyone who says that the cake at the present opening party the next day is just a throw in by the MIL, and frankly, I wouldn't be half surprised if it didn't happen at all, because who will have time to pick up said birthday cake the day after her daughter get's married?

Also, if SIL already think the OP is making it "all about her" why would she tolerate a birthday cake at her gift opening event? In my opinion, that's an even worse "thunder stealing" than quietly leaving early from the wedding where you may not even be noticed.

I still don't really understand. Was the OP okay with the inlaws not throwing her a party before the wedding was rescheduled? When did she want this inlaw-thrown party to happen? The OP already had plans not involving the I laws for her birthday. It seems as though some posters are really trying to villianize the SIL and MIL. I don't think offering to celebrate the OP's birthday is something for which the MIL and SIL should be berated. Presumably the OP was perfectly fine with the inlaws not being involved in her birthday plans *until* the SIL's wedding was rescheduled.

I don't know about you, but I don't want a birthday cake shoehorned into someone else's celebration. If the in-laws really want to do something for the OP's birthday, they can arrange a cake for a different day. To me, it feels like "Here's a cake. Now shut up and do what we want." YMMV. Like the OP, I'd rather have nothing.

I realize you have a history of making an effort to not let things bother you and have difficulty understanding why it bothers the rest of us, but our feelings are not wrong either.

This, it feels like the inlaws are tossing in the cake for dirty weasel at the gift opening because they want her attendance at all events and they're trying to take away her arguments. (i.e. "But it's my birthday and I have plans." Response: "Well, we'll give you a cake. Now you can't say your birthday wasn't celebrated. Only a selfish person would want more!") It's like dirty weasel's attendance doesn't "count" unless she's entirely focused on the wedding.

ladyknight1

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #181 on: Today at 12:01:51 PM »
3) I agree with everyone who says that the cake at the present opening party the next day is just a throw in by the MIL, and frankly, I wouldn't be half surprised if it didn't happen at all, because who will have time to pick up said birthday cake the day after her daughter get's married?

Also, if SIL already think the OP is making it "all about her" why would she tolerate a birthday cake at her gift opening event? In my opinion, that's an even worse "thunder stealing" than quietly leaving early from the wedding where you may not even be noticed.

I still don't really understand. Was the OP okay with the inlaws not throwing her a party before the wedding was rescheduled? When did she want this inlaw-thrown party to happen? The OP already had plans not involving the I laws for her birthday. It seems as though some posters are really trying to villianize the SIL and MIL. I don't think offering to celebrate the OP's birthday is something for which the MIL and SIL should be berated. Presumably the OP was perfectly fine with the inlaws not being involved in her birthday plans *until* the SIL's wedding was rescheduled.

Yes. She was fine with the in-laws not throwing her a party. She didn't want or need a party from them. No in-law-thrown party was going to happen. OP was not counting on one, and the in-laws weren't planning one either (if they had been, they would have known about her scheduling conflicts already, because they'd have asked her about that weekend long before the wedding got moved to it. The OP does not want or expect the in-laws to throw her a party. She just wants to not be guilted about her own plans. I really can't see where you're getting this.

POD. The OP doesn't want her entire weekend absorbed into the SIL wedding.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #182 on: Today at 12:04:10 PM »
I was also thinking about what I'd say to a close friend who was in your shoes. And if I were one of the other bday celebrants I'd probably be shocked if a friend chose to miss part of a close family wedding to join the joint bday celebration. I'd assume you didn't like your inlaws very much.

And if I were one of her friends, I'd think she went above and beyond by going to InlawTown after her exam, going to the wedding, and then coming back to OPTown to join the birthday festivities--and if I did think she didn't like her in-laws, well, that's her right. I know lots and lots and lots of people who don't like their inlaws, and it doesn't make me dislike them. And I know lots and lots and lots of people who have family and friend and school responsibilities to all juggle at once and who sometimes can't make it to every minute of every thing. They do their best.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to say I would be looking down upon my friend for their decision, just surprised by it. But I wouldn't be surprised if a friend called and said "Bad news, the weddings been moved and I can't make our pre-planned celebration. You guys have a good time".  I'd be thinking "well of course you need to go to the family wedding".

bah12

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #183 on: Today at 12:09:11 PM »
I think we would all have different advice for our respectful friends pending from our own personal value systems.  No viewpoint is better than the other. 

The point would be that the in-laws don't have to be villians because they view the wedding and the activities surrounding them as a more important event that the OP's group birthday party.  And the OP is not self absorbed because she views her milestone birthday, and previous plans, as something more important that her SIL's wedding. 

Me, personally, I'd choose the wedding.  Showing up late after my exam.  I'd be disappointed to miss the group celebration of my birthday, but would be perfectly happy with doing something meaningful for my birthday with my DH the next day. Possibly even asking that my friends join me for a celebration at a later date.  And that's just me.  For me, I would not expect my inlaws to have considered that it was my birthday weekend when scheduling/rescheduling the wedding and I would understand how important it was for my husband to be at his sister's wedding.  I'd want to support that and be there too.  I might be upset for a little while that a milestone birthday was getting overshadowed by a wedding, but I'd get over it.

I don't think the OP is wrong for not feeling this way. I think she just needs to recognize that this is one of those times where no one viewpoint is going to be better than the other.  Even if her inlaws never accept her POV, the fact that she wants them to, should  lend her to accept theirs (to include her DH's stance).
« Last Edit: Today at 12:11:25 PM by bah12 »

Semperviren

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #184 on: Today at 12:32:41 PM »
My issue isn't with the IL's POV or feelings (which everyone is entitled to), but their behavior. I think it's rude not to take a polite "no" for an answer, to evaluate someone's personal reasons for that "no" and decide they're insufficient. I think it's manipulative of both the SIL and MIL to involve the MIL and the OP's DH to "make" the OP do as the bride wishes, and rude (and hypocritical) to run around accusing her of "making the day all about her". I know this stuff does occur inside families; that doesn't mean it's polite.


dirtyweasel

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #185 on: Today at 12:37:06 PM »
If the birthday is more important than her relationship with her inlaws and her DH's relationship with her family, then the OP should put her foot down and not attend anything and demand her DH skip the wedding and all related activities as well. This would be a valid choice, setting clear boundaries.

At this point, it seems there is nothing the inlaws or DH can do to appease the OP. Offering to celebrate her birthday is viewed as offensive and rude. Not offering to do so I am guessing would be as well? Since there is nothing that would allow the OP's anger to subside maybe it is best to just not attend and have little to do with her  inlaws  going forward.

I am not saying people who find the cake at the gift opening to be offensive do not have valid opinions. I am saying that to me this comes across as looking for offense where none is intended. Is there anything the inlaws or DH can do at this point that would make the OP happy or at least less angry? I am getting the sense not, so maybe just distancing herself from people she sees no good intentions possible in is best.

No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake."  I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought. 



MindsEye

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #186 on: Today at 12:48:50 PM »
No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake."  I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought.

I personally think that you should just ignore your in-laws and carry on with your compromise of attending the wedding between your exam and your party.  Your DH should stay at the wedding if he wants to.  And on Sunday your DH and you should both skip the "gift-opening party" and spend the day together.

Just because your in-laws rejected your compromise doesn't mean you have to do what they want.

I think that your in-laws are treating you very shabbily.  Issuing you a summons (rather than an invite) for all aspects of the wedding weekend, rescheduling the wedding and expecting you to drop all pre-existing commitments, and waving away your wishes for your own birthday while celebrating theirs to the hilt and exactly as they want.  You are being treated as an afterthought and a second-class citizen... probably because you aren't really "family", you are just an in-law.

Frankly, you are doing more to try to appease them at this point then I would... I would be skipping the entire wedding at this point.

TurtleDove

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #187 on: Today at 12:50:01 PM »
If the birthday is more important than her relationship with her inlaws and her DH's relationship with her family, then the OP should put her foot down and not attend anything and demand her DH skip the wedding and all related activities as well. This would be a valid choice, setting clear boundaries.

At this point, it seems there is nothing the inlaws or DH can do to appease the OP. Offering to celebrate her birthday is viewed as offensive and rude. Not offering to do so I am guessing would be as well? Since there is nothing that would allow the OP's anger to subside maybe it is best to just not attend and have little to do with her  inlaws  going forward.

I am not saying people who find the cake at the gift opening to be offensive do not have valid opinions. I am saying that to me this comes across as looking for offense where none is intended. Is there anything the inlaws or DH can do at this point that would make the OP happy or at least less angry? I am getting the sense not, so maybe just distancing herself from people she sees no good intentions possible in is best.

No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake."  I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought.

The bolded is why I think you should just skip the wedding altogether. At this point, nothing the inlaws do will make things okay in your mind, and nothing you do will make things okay in their mind.

The original question in the OP was: How do I keep family harmony without being a pushover?  What would you do in my situation?  My husbands family is making me feel like the bad guy in this situation, am I being unreasonable?


I don't think you can keep family harmony while skipping the wedding (or part of the wedding) or expecting your DH to skip the wedding. I don't think there is any consensus of who is "right" here, but it is clear that you cannot make your inlaws happy at this point and they cannot make you happy at this point. So happily enjoy your birthday celebration and don't give a second thought to the fact the inlaw aren't happy about it. They can get over it or die angry. You cannot control their reaction, you just need to accept it.

Do what makes *you* happy, taking into account the probable repercussions of any decision. From what you have posted, I think your best option is for you to skip the wedding altogether and for DH to be present at the entire wedding, and just smilingly say, "I am sorry the scheduling didn't work out." Don't let them guilt you.

If the guilt tripping is killing you, then I think you should give in and skip your birthday. But I don't think you can both keep family harmony and not be a pushover in the sense of changing your birthday plans.
« Last Edit: Today at 12:52:09 PM by TurtleDove »

LeveeWoman

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #188 on: Today at 12:51:39 PM »
If the birthday is more important than her relationship with her inlaws and her DH's relationship with her family, then the OP should put her foot down and not attend anything and demand her DH skip the wedding and all related activities as well. This would be a valid choice, setting clear boundaries.

At this point, it seems there is nothing the inlaws or DH can do to appease the OP. Offering to celebrate her birthday is viewed as offensive and rude. Not offering to do so I am guessing would be as well? Since there is nothing that would allow the OP's anger to subside maybe it is best to just not attend and have little to do with her  inlaws  going forward.

I am not saying people who find the cake at the gift opening to be offensive do not have valid opinions. I am saying that to me this comes across as looking for offense where none is intended. Is there anything the inlaws or DH can do at this point that would make the OP happy or at least less angry? I am getting the sense not, so maybe just distancing herself from people she sees no good intentions possible in is best.

No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake."  I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought.

The bolded is why I think you should just skip the wedding altogether. At this point, nothing the inlaws do will make things okay in your mind, and nothing you do will make things okay in their mind.

The original question in the OP was: How do I keep family harmony without being a pushover?  What would you do in my situation?  My husbands family is making me feel like the bad guy in this situation, am I being unreasonable?


I don't think you can keep family harmony while skipping the wedding or expecting your DH to skip the wedding. I don't think there is any consensus of who is "right" here, but it is clear that you cannot make your inlaws happy at this point and they cannot make you happy at this point. So happily enjoy your birthday celebration and don't give a second thought to the fact the inlaw aren't happy about it. They can get over it or die angry. You cannot control their reaction, you just need to accept it.

Do what makes *you* happy, taking into account the probable repercussions of any decision. From what you have posted, I think your best option is for you to skip the wedding altogether and for DH to be present at the entire wedding, and just smilingly say, "I am sorry we the scheduling didn't work out." Don't let them guilt you.

If the guilt tripping is killing you, then I think you should give in and skip your birthday. But I don't think you can both keep family harmony and not be a pushover in the sense of changing your birthday plans.

She is not skipping the wedding.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #189 on: Today at 12:52:40 PM »
If the birthday is more important than her relationship with her inlaws and her DH's relationship with her family, then the OP should put her foot down and not attend anything and demand her DH skip the wedding and all related activities as well. This would be a valid choice, setting clear boundaries.

At this point, it seems there is nothing the inlaws or DH can do to appease the OP. Offering to celebrate her birthday is viewed as offensive and rude. Not offering to do so I am guessing would be as well? Since there is nothing that would allow the OP's anger to subside maybe it is best to just not attend and have little to do with her  inlaws  going forward.

I am not saying people who find the cake at the gift opening to be offensive do not have valid opinions. I am saying that to me this comes across as looking for offense where none is intended. Is there anything the inlaws or DH can do at this point that would make the OP happy or at least less angry? I am getting the sense not, so maybe just distancing herself from people she sees no good intentions possible in is best.

No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake." I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought.

I'm sorry, but I just don't see that as trying to be hurtful or dismissive. To me it says "The family is getting together the next day to talk about the wedding, see the goodies, and we really want you to be there with us. Can't you come for a little while? We can even make it into a joint celebration of your bday."

Now if you had said "We have a full day of plans on Sunday on my bday and won't be able to join the party" and MIL's response was "Oh, you can celebrate your bday another day. You really need to come to this" then that would be hurtful.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #190 on: Today at 12:53:56 PM »
OP, I have not heard of a gift opening party. And it does sound like the most boring thing ever. I would never inflict such a thing on my relatives. One of those things I would invent an excuse to stay away from! No, don't go!
There have been plenty of things that dh has gone to without me over the years. The in laws will either stay mad or get over it.
Have a wonderful birthday!

TurtleDove

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #191 on: Today at 12:54:11 PM »
She is not skipping the wedding.

I edited while you posted this, but my point remains: I don't think the OP can maintain family harmony if she skips any part of the wedding. That is why, if the inlaws are going to be upset anyway, maybe the OP should just skip the wedding altogether and just enjoy her birthday party as planned.

Two Ravens

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Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Reply #192 on: Today at 01:04:47 PM »
If the birthday is more important than her relationship with her inlaws and her DH's relationship with her family, then the OP should put her foot down and not attend anything and demand her DH skip the wedding and all related activities as well. This would be a valid choice, setting clear boundaries.

At this point, it seems there is nothing the inlaws or DH can do to appease the OP. Offering to celebrate her birthday is viewed as offensive and rude. Not offering to do so I am guessing would be as well? Since there is nothing that would allow the OP's anger to subside maybe it is best to just not attend and have little to do with her  inlaws  going forward.

I am not saying people who find the cake at the gift opening to be offensive do not have valid opinions. I am saying that to me this comes across as looking for offense where none is intended. Is there anything the inlaws or DH can do at this point that would make the OP happy or at least less angry? I am getting the sense not, so maybe just distancing herself from people she sees no good intentions possible in is best.

No one is trying to "appease me" nor am I "demanding" anything.  I never wanted nor asked for a party from my in-laws.  I just want to be able to celebrate my birthday in the way that I want which means having a party with my friends Saturday night like we had originally planned.  Well, that wasn't going to happen as planned so I told SIL and MIL that I would compromise and still go to the wedding for a few hours and then leave for my party.  That wasn't good enough for them - they want me there the whole time.  They also want me to go to the gift opening party the next day - on my actual birthday.  When I reminded my MIL that this was my actual birthday she said something along the lines of, "Oh no, but you'll miss the gift opening party!  You can't miss that - we'll get you a cake." I know you don't let things bother you, but when my MIL said that it was extremely hurtful - like I was a complete afterthought.

I'm sorry, but I just don't see that as trying to be hurtful or dismissive. To me it says "The family is getting together the next day to talk about the wedding, see the goodies, and we really want you to be there with us. Can't you come for a little while? We can even make it into a joint celebration of your bday."

Now if you had said "We have a full day of plans on Sunday on my bday and won't be able to join the party" and MIL's response was "Oh, you can celebrate your bday another day. You really need to come to this" then that would be hurtful.

I agree. I don't understand why it's so hurtful either. OP certainly doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, but I can't see MIL's words as dismissive or rude.