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  • June 30, 2016, 07:40:38 AM

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Author Topic: Can I have this when you die?  (Read 6358 times)

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TOLady

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #60 on: June 28, 2016, 08:28:45 AM »
Not quite the same, but while settling my Momís estate last year, I realized that she hadnít willed anything specifically to my step-niece, but had bequeathed a very nice Native Canadian carving (with all the provenance for insurance purposes, as well has having a very interesting history to the piece) to my step-nephew (his name was on a sticky note under the carving Ė she had done that to a lot of the art work she had) who had visited her on a regular basis even before she was in the hospital and helped out whenever he was asked moving furniture, fixing her laptop and just kept in touch with her.  He was touched by her leaving something he really liked. He said he had mentioned once how beautiful it was and appreciated the fact she had remembered.

While going through her jewellery, I found a diamond solitaire that would be the approximately the same value as the carving (approximately $2,500) and asked my step-sister to give to her in memory of my Mom. I definitely didnít have to do that and step-niece hadnít made any effort to visit her while she was in hospital, didnít show up at the memorial, etc. Never got a thank you, other than a mention from my step-sister that the ring didnít fit her and she was going to sell it. Her gift Ė her decision, so it doesnít matter to me, but apparently she had also expected to get the car I signed over to my step-sister while my Mom was still alive (we knew she wasnít going to be driving if she did recover and I donít drive). Havenít heard a peep from SN since my Momís death.

As for my DSS Ė as I said, I signed over the car to her before my Momís death, otherwise, it would have been included in the estate and then it would have gotten complicated. At the time, we had the car valued and we agreed the price of the car would be deducted from her share of the estate. After a while, I realized that DSS was doing a lot of the leg work since sheís retired and drives and Iím still full-time, far from the banks, lawyers and such involved in settling the estate and told her that the car would be a gift and to not worry about deducting from the estate. She also took much of the furniture, computers, TV and whatever else she wanted. Approximate value was the same as the cash amount my DB and I received.

That being said Ė weíre in the very last stage of settling everything and she passive-aggressively IMíd me the other day that she wished the price of gas was lower because she had to drive to 2 different places to drop off legal papers. (Aside Ė I know sheís pretty well gone through all the money already and is fishing for more than the third share weíre supposed to get at the very end. Again Ė none of my business, but she had originally been written completely out of the will and was only recently written back in.)

I hope I wasnít rude, but simply asked her what she had done with the car I gave herÖ

She gave the car to SN, since had bought a new car for herself with the proceeds of the sale of the condo. Again Ė none of my business, but she could have sold or traded the car in instead of giving it away.

People do get greedy. I wish I still had my Mom rather than any amount of money.

BTW Ė I will, most likely, give her additional $ out of both my DBís and my share of the remaining estate, but I donít  like being guilted into it.

z_squared82

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #61 on: June 28, 2016, 09:50:04 AM »
Can Granny not worry about being 'polite' just once?  Long enough to say "For Pete's sake, Uncle's Wife!  I don't even know your children!  Why on earth would I leave them anything? They can have your stuff when you die!  Now stop asking me for things!  That's just rude."   >:(

This gets my vote.


This. Other possibilities include: "I haven't decided yet, but the more you ask, the less likely it is going to be you." and "Well if you like it that much, you can buy it from me now for $$$."

Seriously, Gma needs to shut this down and shut it down hard. She should not feel uncomfortable talking about her property and dissuading people from speculating about her death.

wolfie

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #62 on: June 28, 2016, 10:04:56 AM »

BTW Ė I will, most likely, give her additional $ out of both my DBís and my share of the remaining estate, but I donít  like being guilted into it.

I would talk to your DB before giving away part of his share.

gramma dishes

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #63 on: June 28, 2016, 10:20:22 AM »
...  BTW Ė I will, most likely, give her additional $ out of both my DBís and my share of the remaining estate, but I donít  like being guilted into it.

Why?  I don't think you should do that at all!  You're rewarding her for being irresponsible.

TOLady

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #64 on: June 28, 2016, 10:21:17 AM »

BTW Ė I will, most likely, give her additional $ out of both my DBís and my share of the remaining estate, but I donít  like being guilted into it.

I would talk to your DB before giving away part of his share.

Oh, of course I will - and have to according to the stipulations of the will! DSS and I both were reimbursed for reasonable expenditures during the entire process - paying for cleaners, junk-guys to clear out the stuff no one wanted, etc. All receipts must be submitted before allocation of funds and any funds over the 1/3 share has to be distributed with a separate cheque. Just in case something comes up in the future.

I spoke with him last year upon closing of the condo and the first distribution and we already gave an additional portion each to her since she did so much of the clearing of the condo. This would be a small token amount to cover the costs of gas and her time. He's basically been hands-off on the entire thing and is more than grateful that we've been doing all of the finalizing.

TOLady

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #65 on: June 28, 2016, 10:30:33 AM »
...  BTW Ė I will, most likely, give her additional $ out of both my DBís and my share of the remaining estate, but I donít  like being guilted into it.

Why?  I don't think you should do that at all!  You're rewarding her for being irresponsible.

It would be a small token amount, probably around $1,000 - a very small portion of the remaining estate. She really did do a lot of work and if it had just been myself (DB lives across the country) I'd probably still be just in the process of clearing out the condo by myself without a car and being able to travel 2 hours both ways each weekend! I really would not have had the time to do it any quicker without her and during that time, I would have had to pay the maintenance fees and other stuff. As it was - from DM dying to sale of condo was only 5 months!

However, that being said, I do have to go over the expenditures to date and see what has already been allocated to her.

Reminder to self - call bank and have them send a list of what we've already spent...


CharlieBraun

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #66 on: June 28, 2016, 08:55:04 PM »


My niece (DB's DD) has coveted some items that my mother left me - a watch that had belonged to my maternal grandmother and two rings that had been my mother's.  One of the rings is an onyx signet ring with my DM's (and my) first initial; the other is a ruby solitaire that a family friend had given my mother in her teens.  Both rings, as well as the watch, are antiques.  When my mom gave the items to me, she asked that I keep them in the family and pass them along to my own DD when the time came.  Sadly, I have no children so no close kin to leave the items to.  I had considered giving the watch to one family member, and the two rings to two others.  However, DN has said to her own DD, in front of me, that all three items will be hers soon.  The first time she said this was a few years before I met my DH.  I pointed out to her that I'd been asked to keep the items in my family and pass them on to my offspring, DN said, "Oh, you won't have kids.  You won't even get married."  I told her that I'd be the one to decide who got the items and that now she was not on the list of those to consider for receiving them.  As of now, the other two people whom I'd considered are also off the list.  Not sure who will get them, but it's still my decision to make.  I may sell them so that they don't become part of any estate that my heirs can squabble over.

Oh, can I have those when you....
"We ate the pies."

Dr. F.

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #67 on: June 28, 2016, 09:47:05 PM »
These threads make me so happy that my sister, brother-in-law, and I get along so well and are all reasonable people!

I'm not looking forward to clearing out my parents' house; they're borderline hoarders.

Yentush

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #68 on: Yesterday at 05:07:28 AM »
When my FIL retired, he went to a course for retirees.  It is very helpful with telling them what are their rights, what they can request and how to spend the rest of their lives.

He also received a nice amount of money  and gave some of it to DH and I. so that we could cover our mortgage.  He asked that we sign a document that stated that we received XX amount and that would be taken off our inheritance.  This was suggested to him in the course, together with making a will.

Later, he kept apologizing to us for asking us to sign, saying that is what they told him in the course.

We kept telling him that not only was it perfectly fine, but that it was the right thing to do.  Who knows how one will react later on in life, even ourselves. 

I am very glad that we signed it.  This might make me look like an idiot, but as it went directly into the mortgage, I honestly do not remember the amount we received.

TOLady

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #69 on: Yesterday at 07:51:33 AM »
I am very glad that we signed it.  This might make me look like an idiot, but as it went directly into the mortgage, I honestly do not remember the amount we received.

I think my In-Laws took the same course. When my DBIL and DSIL bought a house, my DILs helped them with the downpayment on the house on the condition that they sign a document that the amount would be taken from any inheritance going forward. Since my DH and DBIL were brought up right, DBIL had no problem at all signing it. DH and I were told the same thing - if we decide to buy a house and need help with a downpayment, same applies - although, logically, it would have balanced itself out with both of them having received the same amount for the downpayment (for us, it would take into account inflation).

I really don't anticipate any problems at all when (and hopefully not for a long, long time) my DILs pass away. Although that also has to do with the problems DMIL had with her vultures relatives when her mother passed.

The only reason DMIL's relatives came the first day to help clear out her (hoarder) house, was because they thought it was full of treasures (DGM words). Once they realized it was all just junk, they left. It took 2 months and at least 15 huge dumpsters to clear out. Settling that estate with 5 brothers and sisters asking why it was taking so long - Where's my money? Where's all the treasure DGM said she had? - was a nightmare! None of them visited her on a regular basis. DFIL went to visit her, driving across the city, twice daily for years to make sure she was okay, took her meds etc. There was very little left to divide between them all since she had been in a very expensive care facility for the last few months of her life (paid for by my ILs) - which they never visited her at (She's not aware, so why should we go?)

My MIL's family doesn't talk anymore to each other.

knitwicca

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #70 on: Yesterday at 11:21:39 AM »
Quote
There was very little left to divide between them all since she had been in a very expensive care facility for the last few months of her life (paid for by my ILs) - which they never visited her at (She's not aware, so why should we go?)

BFF's husband's grandmother died a few years ago.
While Husband's family was at the funeral services,  one aunt and her brood backed a U-Haul up to the grandmother's house and emptied it of all they thought might have value. Aunt went so far as to remove family photos from frames, smash the photos into an overflowing garbage can and take the frames. BFF's husband was devastated by the loss of many old photos of the older generation.

Plus Aunt literally ripped up the photos of H's son...his baby pictures, kindergarten graduation, high school graduation...H had none due to being acrimoniously divorced from his son's mom.  He was hoping to retrieve the ones at his grandmother's house when the time came.  Aunt knew this and deliberately destroyed the photos beyond repair.

crella

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #71 on: Yesterday at 11:38:09 AM »
Quote
There was very little left to divide between them all since she had been in a very expensive care facility for the last few months of her life (paid for by my ILs) - which they never visited her at (She's not aware, so why should we go?)

BFF's husband's grandmother died a few years ago.
While Husband's family was at the funeral services,  one aunt and her brood backed a U-Haul up to the grandmother's house and emptied it of all they thought might have value. Aunt went so far as to remove family photos from frames, smash the photos into an overflowing garbage can and take the frames. BFF's husband was devastated by the loss of many old photos of the older generation.

Plus Aunt literally ripped up the photos of H's son...his baby pictures, kindergarten graduation, high school graduation...H had none due to being acrimoniously divorced from his son's mom.  He was hoping to retrieve the ones at his grandmother's house when the time came.  Aunt knew this and deliberately destroyed the photos beyond repair.

Somebody like that, I think I'd prosecute....

knitwicca

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #72 on: Yesterday at 12:47:46 PM »
Quote
There was very little left to divide between them all since she had been in a very expensive care facility for the last few months of her life (paid for by my ILs) - which they never visited her at (She's not aware, so why should we go?)

BFF's husband's grandmother died a few years ago.
While Husband's family was at the funeral services,  one aunt and her brood backed a U-Haul up to the grandmother's house and emptied it of all they thought might have value. Aunt went so far as to remove family photos from frames, smash the photos into an overflowing garbage can and take the frames. BFF's husband was devastated by the loss of many old photos of the older generation.

Plus Aunt literally ripped up the photos of H's son...his baby pictures, kindergarten graduation, high school graduation...H had none due to being acrimoniously divorced from his son's mom.  He was hoping to retrieve the ones at his grandmother's house when the time came.  Aunt knew this and deliberately destroyed the photos beyond repair.

Somebody like that, I think I'd prosecute....

They did.  It created a huge rift in their very-religious family. Some thought "Turn the other cheek" was more appropriate than "Thou Shalt Not Steal".

goldilocks

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #73 on: Yesterday at 03:15:42 PM »
I think I'd encourage Granny to start thinking about those things and put them in writing.   UW sounds like the type that will head over there with a U-Haul as soon as she hears of granny's passing.   It's happened in my family.

Minmom3

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Re: Can I have this when you die?
« Reply #74 on: Yesterday at 08:29:49 PM »
When my FIL retired, he went to a course for retirees. It is very helpful with telling them what are their rights, what they can request and how to spend the rest of their lives.

He also received a nice amount of money  and gave some of it to DH and I. so that we could cover our mortgage.  He asked that we sign a document that stated that we received XX amount and that would be taken off our inheritance.  This was suggested to him in the course, together with making a will.

Later, he kept apologizing to us for asking us to sign, saying that is what they told him in the course.

We kept telling him that not only was it perfectly fine, but that it was the right thing to do.  Who knows how one will react later on in life, even ourselves. 

I am very glad that we signed it.  This might make me look like an idiot, but as it went directly into the mortgage, I honestly do not remember the amount we received.

I think that's excellent...  Like premarital counseling - it gets you ready for the next stage of life!  Never a bad thing! 
Double MIL now; not yet a Grandma.  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!  True fact: Eggs can be just as hard to unload as zucchini!