News: All new forum theme!  See Forum Announcements for more information. 

  • May 24, 2015, 09:25:40 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Saying No  (Read 4923 times)

1 Member and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Rusty

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 165
Re: Saying No
« Reply #30 on: Yesterday at 03:01:46 AM »
This can be a tricky one as some people develop the mindset that if you will pay, then you can pay.   I have a long term small group of friends who meet for coffee a couple of times a month.  One member of the group, Helen, always was short when it came to paying the bill, not a lot but sometimes I would just pay her share.  Sometimes she paid me back, sometimes not. She would never contribute to group presents or attend any event that cost her any money.  She never seemed well off, wore the same clothes forever, always bargain hunted for the cheapest food, never took any other holidays than camping with her family, in general always being extremely frugal. We all thought they were on a very tight budget.  Low and behold her husband retired at 50 and since then they have been travelling the world, in style.  It seems every spare cent was pumped into the retirement fund. 

When a few people expressed their amazement at this turn of events she became quite indignant and said that people were just jealous.

No, not jealous, just annoyed that at times we were subsidizing the retirement fund.

Don't be a fool when it comes to your friend, if it came to it would she do the same for you?


Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3499
  • Aussie's Rule
Re: Saying No
« Reply #31 on: Yesterday at 06:19:51 AM »
*eye twitch* BTDT got the door mat badge.

-I dealt by ordering a large salad, Potato wedges, sour cream and sweet chilli sauce and a large tea pot of  Earl grey tea. along with an extra cup and plate.
and shared the lunch.
-Second time around, i got the large teapot again, but ordered a simple couple of bits of Toasted raisin bread and butter. Again shared.
-There was no third time, I /We met After lunch and made sure to be finished before Tea/dinner.

((Hugs)) OP  [and others]

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

EllenS

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2754
  • I write whimsical vintage mysteries.
    • My Author Page:
Re: Saying No
« Reply #32 on: Yesterday at 11:22:49 AM »
I find it's a lot more helpful to me, to figure out what I am willing to do without resentment, and focus on that.

Invite her for movie night and a home-cooked meal? Make it a regular/standing invitation?
Offer to help her with her resume, or lend her an interview outfit if she is looking for a better job?
I think your idea of offering help with the budget is good.
If her power is cut off, would you let her use your washer/dryer?
Gift her a meal-planning subscription to help save grocery money?

Just brainstorming, but for me, it helps me maintain a positive attitude to start from what I can/will do, than start listing stuff I refuse to do. It makes it easier to hold the line on "no", when I have a ready "yes" to something else constructive.

gellchom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2691
Re: Saying No
« Reply #33 on: Yesterday at 02:34:05 PM »
I find it's a lot more helpful to me, to figure out what I am willing to do without resentment, and focus on that.

Invite her for movie night and a home-cooked meal? Make it a regular/standing invitation?
Offer to help her with her resume, or lend her an interview outfit if she is looking for a better job?
I think your idea of offering help with the budget is good.
If her power is cut off, would you let her use your washer/dryer?
Gift her a meal-planning subscription to help save grocery money?

Just brainstorming, but for me, it helps me maintain a positive attitude to start from what I can/will do, than start listing stuff I refuse to do. It makes it easier to hold the line on "no", when I have a ready "yes" to something else constructive.

EllenS, that is a really wise insight and great advice.  I think many of us are going to be very grateful for years that you shared it with us.  I know I am.  Thank you so much.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 33024
Re: Saying No
« Reply #34 on: Yesterday at 02:43:21 PM »
EllenS is so wise! (as always)

I also found, w/ one of my moocher friends, that it was smart to have a rule: I will help you with logistics, physical effort, conversation. As long as it fits in my schedule.

But I won't help you with anything monetary. Period.

I suppose if money had been the difference between life and death, literally, I would have--but probably not until after I'd suggested going to the adjusted-fee emergency room or whatever.

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9678
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: Saying No
« Reply #35 on: Yesterday at 07:35:40 PM »
A friend, who moved back home with her parents now, would rarely have enough money to pay her way when we went out. I was appalled when I found out she was spending her entertainment money elsewhere, and mooching off me and other friends. I ended the opportunities to mooch, and she persisted for a few weeks, but got the hint then.

wonderfullyanonymous

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2642
Re: Saying No
« Reply #36 on: Today at 07:09:58 AM »
When she asks if you want to go to lunch, tell her, sure, but you will pay your own way, this time.

When you get to said restaurant, tell the server, right away, separate checks.

Order what you want, you know what you can afford. Let her order hers.

At the end of the meal, when the checks come, pay yours right away, put the tip, for your check, with your payment.

If she sits there looking at you, waiting for you to offer to pay for hers, make some excuse for cutting lunch short.

She was given early enough warning that checks would be separate, if she over spent, that is on her. If she asks if she can borrow, tell her, sorry, that's not possible today.

YummyMummy66

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 964
Re: Saying No
« Reply #37 on: Today at 07:25:15 AM »
Who initiates these get gatherings?  You or friend?     If at your home, I would expect to host, but it does not have to be expensive.  If she is over for whatever reason and the reason is not for a meal, and it comes to meal time, if she asks, you say, that would be great, this is what I can contribute, what will be your contribution?   If she says, I thought you would get it, "oh, sorry, that will not be possible, sorry, we will have to make it another time then, I will see you to the door now".   But, but...."Sally, sorry, but it is not in my budget to subsidize your share.  No worries.  WE will just plan a meal for another time when you are able to do so". 

If it comes up about going out to eat, "Sure, that would be great, but just to let you know, I cannot pay for your share.  Do you still want to go?  Sure!....ok.  Then ask for separate checks right off the bat.   Check comes, you pay your share with tip directly to waiter."  (I would also make sure Sally or whatever name we are using, that she has her wallet/purse with her before you leave or enter restaurant.

If she balks or says something, "Sally, while I have supported you in many ways since the loss of your husband, I am sorry, but I am not your husband.  It is not my job nor my responsibility to continue to support a lifestyle you choose for yourself.  if you cannot afford to do something, I completely understand, there are many things we can do to continue our friendship that does not have to cost anything.  We can talk on the phone, we can hang for a bit, go for a walk, just get a cup of coffee.  If you are looking for more in financial ways, sorry, but that is not going to work for me any longer".