Author Topic: Not Inviting Sister  (Read 4098 times)

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Arila

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Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Reply #45 on: Today at 04:11:23 PM »
I agree with Specky. This doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. Not inviting her to this party doesn't necessarily mean not inviting her to thanksgiving.

shhh its me

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Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Reply #46 on: Today at 04:15:08 PM »
At the end of the day, this is your decision and your decision alone.  In many respects, I completely understand.  I too would have a hard time allowing someone in my life whose morals, personal issues, and general disregard for the feelings of those around her overshadows absolutely everything.

I do think that there are unintended consequences to cutting out a family member though...and if you have anticipated and prepared for those, then great.  Your kids may not be overly close to their cousins now and they may still be in contact through Jake, but she is still their mother and she still has a lot of say in who is and isn't in her kids' lives.  It's quite possible that Jake may have no choice but to pull back from you if your sister won't allow you to see the kids.  What happens when you host family events that fall on major holidays?  You say your sister isn't allowed, but what kind of dilemma does that create for the rest of the family?  What happens when she has the kids on Christmas and birthdays and you can't see them because they are with Jake.

I think you can dial back a familial relationship where you don't give the person the opportunity to hurt you and disappoint you, not be 'friends' with them, not make special plans to see them, without cutting them out completely.  That extra step of cutting them out has far more reaching consequences then simply saying "I don't like you all that much so I'll only see you when the family gets together and won't be engaging in conversations with you when they do."

I know you are disappointed and hurt by your sister and I know you strongly disagree with her actions.  I would too.  But, is she so toxic that she will negatively affect the lives of your kids if you allow her around them? Is the annoyance of having her at your kids' birthday parties so much greater than the affect that her not being there will have on the rest of the family?  If so, then you are making the right decision.  But if not, then you may want to reconsider what this 'cut' looks like.

I agree with this whole post.

I'll POD too.

I'll give a different example, what if she was a co-worker?  (for the example pretend you are about to invite everyone from your office to a holiday party at your home) Would you pointedly exclude a co-worker from a holiday party because they didn't treat you well personally? (ie lied when asking for persona advice or didn't show up to an event)There are so many degrees in between  best friends and public snub.   

Secondly ,  if your sister posted "I did some bad things in my marriage and now my sister dislikes me so much that she invited my ex husband and children to her kids Bday parties. I don't really want my kids around someone who actively dislikes me so much they can't stand to have me in the same home as them. Can I say no my children wont be attended?". I'm pretty sure many of us would answer if your sister cant hid her dislike your children shouldn't be around her.  She has a nuclear option too. You may not care if she exercises it but your spouse , parents and kids might.  And in all honesty her and Jake may still get back together or at least become amicable for the kids.

Thirdly ...there is some conflict in your posts you start with "My sister and I were very close." and end with "If she wasn't' my sister I would never have considered being friends with her."   For that reason alone I'd recommend inviting her and seeing how you feel in a 6 months or a year maybe even 2 or 3.

wolfie

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Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Reply #47 on: Today at 04:25:26 PM »


Secondly ,  if your sister posted "I did some bad things in my marriage and now my sister dislikes me so much that she invited my ex husband and children to her kids Bday parties. I don't really want my kids around someone who actively dislikes me so much they can't stand to have me in the same home as them. Can I say no my children wont be attended?".

Can she really cut off contact with the kids? She doesn't get to control what her ex does when he has custody.

takeheart

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Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Reply #48 on: Today at 04:49:22 PM »
  Am I in the wrong for not wanting to invite Liz? How do I handle comments from family about not wanting her there?

The board seems split on your first your question (or at least the possible consequences of that decision), but I'm a bit confused about your second question.  It sounded as though you were concerned about how your family would react to your decision not to invite your sister, but then you say they know things are tense between the two of you so you're not worried about their reaction...can you clarify a bit?


It's assumed that most of my family know what happened between Liz and I, but in case they don't, I would need to respond as to why she wasn't invited.

DH does not like sister. Even before any of this, he has never liked her. He has left it up to me to decide if I want her there or not.

At the most, I will see her for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We don't celebrate any other holidays as one big family. I don't know about when niece's birthday arrive, but that won't be until next March. She does not impact my family and our overall family as much as everyone assumes. Us not having a relationship will not create some great big divide in our family since our family is not close to begin with. Our kids are not BFFs. DD is too young and DS actually likes nephew better, and nephew is Jake's son and not Liz's. We live 5 hours away now anyway.

Co-workers I'm obligated to be around 5 days a week/8 hours a day typically. I'm not obligated to be around Liz. Worst case, I can decline invitations to events where we're both invited.

Something similar actually happened on 4th of July. We had a get-together at FIL's house instead of going to see everyone individually. I let Jake know, but I didn't message Liz. At this point, they were separated, but in counseling. Jake, Liz, and the kids showed up. Obviously it's a little different now because they are indeed headed for a divorce.

Also, I don't openly bad mouth Liz in front of my children or hers. If she chose to not let her kids attend, if they were in her custody that weekend, that is her choice.

My sister and I were very close. She has her party friends and her mommy friends, but her, Cousin, and me hung out and talked the most. We also went through this about 10 years ago where we didn't speak for years.

Another option is while giving yourself from time to see if the cut is the right decision for you and your family, is to recognize that due to recent events, you just don't want her at the party.  You have just had a major disagreement with her.  There should be nothing wrong with not inviting her to this one event and then allowing yourself time to think about the long term.

I like this. A lot of the responses seem very black/white, but this is gray.

CharlieBraun

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Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Reply #49 on: Today at 07:02:11 PM »
OP, do you feel as though inviting your sister is condoning her adultery?  Allowing her to wrap her extramarital relationship in the blanket of family acceptance of it?

I would, myself. 

I'd go for a cooling off period, and if questioned by family, state something like "I'd prefer not to spend much time with her for a while."

"We ate the pies."