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  • April 27, 2015, 01:51:37 AM

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Author Topic: 2 year old not allowed to wear "special" outfits to grandparents'  (Read 6408 times)

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JoieGirl7

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Re: 2 year old not allowed to wear "special" outfits to grandparents'
« Reply #60 on: Yesterday at 04:36:11 PM »
I think that prioritizing a 2 year old's dress over contact wit's her grandparents is a terrible idea. 

Adults work things out amongst themselves without resorting to PA behaviors like refusing to attend family holidays especially over something small like this.

It's not an unreasonable request.  it's not something that's one should respond to with complete silence or an outright no.  If the girl's outfits are causing problems with her and her cousin then that is something that needs to be solved.  That needs to be discussed.

While it's important to encourage creativity in children, it's not more important than the child's familial connections.  Grandparents, cousins, aunts.  These are important relationships.  More important than wearing a cape for a couple hours.

Sometimes they make requests that seem out of line-sometimes they are but sometimes they're not.

If the response to any request is to withhold contact, then who is really the bad actor?

The crux of this is not the benefit that the OPs child gets from dressing up, it's whether or not it causes conflict between her and her cousin.  That is the problem to be solved.  It could be solved with her not wearing her outfits for the small amount of time that she is at the grandparents house with her cousin.

It could be solved with letting both children playing dress up.

When we come together with members of our extended family we all have to make concessions to how we ordinarily do things.






Tea Drinker

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Re: 2 year old not allowed to wear "special" outfits to grandparents'
« Reply #61 on: Yesterday at 05:15:31 PM »
I think that prioritizing a 2 year old's dress over contact wit's her grandparents is a terrible idea. 

Adults work things out amongst themselves without resorting to PA behaviors like refusing to attend family holidays especially over something small like this.

Yes, but when one adult starts with "you cannot come to my house if you're wearing a dress," it's not passive-aggressive to say "OK, I won't." Because mostly adults don't try to dictate other adults' everyday clothing choices outside the workplace. ("Everyday" as distinct from asking someone to dress up for a wedding or such.)
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It's not an unreasonable request.  it's not something that's one should respond to with complete silence or an outright no.  If the girl's outfits are causing problems with her and her cousin then that is something that needs to be solved.  That needs to be discussed.

While it's important to encourage creativity in children, it's not more important than the child's familial connections.  Grandparents, cousins, aunts.  These are important relationships.  More important than wearing a cape for a couple hours.


It sounds like it was more than a request, and I could equally reasonably say that familial connections, e.g. with grandchildren and cousins, are more important than not wearing a cape for a couple of hours.

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Sometimes they make requests that seem out of line-sometimes they are but sometimes they're not.

If the response to any request is to withhold contact, then who is really the bad actor?

The crux of this is not the benefit that the OPs child gets from dressing up, it's whether or not it causes conflict between her and her cousin.  That is the problem to be solved.  It could be solved with her not wearing her outfits for the small amount of time that she is at the grandparents house with her cousin.

It could be solved with letting both children playing dress up.

When we come together with members of our extended family we all have to make concessions to how we ordinarily do things.

We don't even know whether OP's child playing dress-up while visiting causes conflict between her and her cousin: the grandparents have assumed that it will. They have apparently rejected the OP's solution of letting both children play dress-up, even though the OP provided dress-up clothes for her niece.

I would be more sympathetic to the grandparents' position if the OP hadn't already tried solutions that didn't require her to change how she dressed her child. Or if there was any evidence that the cousin had actually been jealous, rather than the grandparents assuming that she would be, and deciding that not only is it unacceptable to make the cousin jealous, it's unacceptable to solve that problem by actually giving the cousin the thing that the grandparents assume she'd be envying the OP's daughter for having.

I don't think the solution to "I want it" is always to give the small child the thing s/he wants: but when it's the chance to dress up in a harmless way for an afternoon, and will cost the adults nothing beyond the need to throw one more outfit in the laundry, I don't see a good reason not to. I am inclined to agree with the other commenters who think that there is something going on other than "cousin might be jealous."
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HappilyInsane

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Re: 2 year old not allowed to wear "special" outfits to grandparents'
« Reply #62 on: Yesterday at 11:45:10 PM »
My thought is that the jealous-niece aspect is just a front and the grandparents would actually prefer if DD had "normal" clothes to wear at their house.

Otherwise, it just doesn't make sense because the offering of play clothes would have solved it.

This. Maybe I'm just super cynical about it, but that sounded exactly how my MIL started with my DD.

 My in-laws lived on a farm and due to our work schedules, our DD spent most weekends there when she was young. DH's brothers were still at home and her days were spent riding the tractor and fishing in the pond. This child was a tomboy from the word go. I sent 'good' clothes for when they took her out somewhere and not so good clothes for her to wear out to play in the mud. The only clothes suitable for my DD to wear at all, were the girly, frilly ones MIL bought. It only got worse as the years went on. She was expected to live up to very high standards.

 I'm also in the camp of as long as the important stuff is covered, I really don't care what she wears (special occasions excluded). As a teenager, DD wanted a pair of pants that was popular with the goth crowd  and I bought them for her. MIL blew a fuse and insisted I was letting her become a devil worshipper. Over a pair of pants.  ::)  Clothing was just the beginning. Nothing DD has ever done has suited MIL. DD is almost 25 now and avoids her Grandmother as much as she possibly can, because she got the message early on from MIL that she wasn't good enough. MIL just can't understand at all why her only GD doesn't come around.

I would seriously consider having a conversation with your DD's grandparents and point out that making a big deal over something so insignificant, could be very harmful to their future relationship.



Danika

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I'm just wondering why you have DD go over there at all. If the other grandchild is clearly the favored child, what positive thing does it do for DD to be exposed to her grandparents and cousin when the only message she's hearing is "we don't like you as much"? I can understand if the niece is there a lot because she is being babysat and the grandparents are helping out. But if it's additionally obvious that they favor the niece, who is being served by having DD visit? Is it simply because our society says that grandparents are always an asset to have? I would say that sending the message to DD that the niece's feelings are more important is not a good thing to expose DD to. It will make DD resent her cousin, instead of having a bond. And it will make DD resent her grandparents because nothing she does is good enough.

Minmom3

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I must have been a big threat to my late DH's only sister.  She was all too frequently unhappy with something I did.  We lived with the in-laws for a year back in 1994.  SIL and her husband lived in a mother-in-law unit out back, and DH and I and the girls lived in the main house, and boy oh boy, it was TIGHT.  SIL and her family had been living there for several years at that time.  When we moved in, because we were moving into the main house (already fully occupied and fully 'furnitured') ALL of our things went in storage but the clothing in season.  Out of season clothing, all holiday and dress up stuff, furniture and most of the kids toys - all of it in storage.

And Christmas rolled around, and I couldn't find the stockings in storage.  DH had his own stocking from when he was a child, I had mine, and I had gotten or made fun stockings for my children as they were born, and I could not find them in any of the bins and boxes.  Most frustrating.  So, I trundled down to the local fabric store, got some felt, some faux white fur, some snowflake sequins and made stockings for my daughters so they would have stockings for Santa to load up with little things for them.  DH and I, being grownups, would deal with not having our personal stockings.

SIL went to my MIL and complained that I had made stockings for MY children and not for her children, and it was grossly unfair and really rude of me to do this.  MIL came to me and asked me why I hadn't made stockings for my niece and nephew?  I explained that it had never occurred to me that SIL would not already have bought stockings for her children, as they were no longer infants, and that I had only made the felt stockings for my children because I couldn't find the 'good' stockings they already owned.  Why would I assume SIL, who hated home made, hand made things with a fiery passion of undying hate, would want ME, the hand made queen, to make her children one of  my substandard stockings?  Cue the cat butt face...

MIL said her daughter was unhappy and MIL wanted me to make my niece and nephew stockings, please and thank you.  I explained that I couldn't afford it, but if she wanted to fund this project, I would go and get the supplies and make them, but it would take me until nearly Christmas because I had other things I needed to get done in a timely manner.... Niece and nephew used the stockings that year, nearly identical to the stockings made for my own children,  and I never saw them again. 

Hindsight tells me MIL was between a rock and a hard place.  Her daughter had expressed hurt (or anger, she never said anything directly to me, so I don't know what she said) and demanded that I double my effort and make something for her children.  I was offended at being accused of being selfish and unthoughtful, and I really and truly didn't understand why SIL didn't just walk up and say she liked what I'd made my kids, (or her kids liked them) and would I pretty please make 2 more for her children.  But being direct was never SIL's way; she always ran to mommy and pitched a fit, and made trouble about something that could have and should have been handled very easily with a simple request (and offer of a subsidy or paying for supplies).  As a result, while the cousins are all friends (not best buds, but friends), SIL and I no longer talk at all, other than platitudes to keep the peace at the last family wedding.
Newly widowed, fairly cranky, prone to crying at the drop of a hat.  Newly a MIL; not yet a Grandma.  Keeper of chickens and dispenser of eggs! ;D  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!