Author Topic: OK - I need a gut check. Husband wants to help but it frustrates me?  (Read 475 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Why do you have to work from home when he takes your child to school? I don't understand that part - it's hard to give advice when what I want to say is "just keep to your schedule and let him deal with your dd".

I was wondering the same. I would have also assumed that if you were watching a child in the afternoon that would mean you were working from home not going to the office.

shhh its me

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  I think I get what you're upset about ; You were operating at maximum efficiency  and taking your daughter to school with no notice actually significantly lowers your efficiency. You were driving your daughter to school and going to work and going to watch a friends son and then bring your daughter home ...now you're just picking up you daughter and watching friends son for a bit , you're driving all that way and practically turning right back around.  Which would be especially infuriating if he is not as willing to drive her on days it would be very helpful. And I get how "well now I don't have to drive 45 mins in the morning but I have to drive 90 in the afternoon isn't that much of a favor."
   
That's the logical reason, the emotional reasons I'm to put forth a variety and I'd guess its a combination of all of them. You got used to planning its uncomfortable to have the plans adjusted last minute even if its sometime helpful.  You may be taking a little pride in accomplishing a difficult task. You miss the time with your daughter.  You're not used to your husband being around so much and its awkward to have him just jump back into day to day stuff.  Maybe you're even a little mad that now that you have a handle on it, he is stepping into help now that no help is needed? Maybe its hard for you to switch gears , once you have yourself  mentally committed to drive for 45 minutes its had to just switch that off.


BUT he wants to spend time with daughter and thats something you should help facilitate even if its not convenient , so maybe if you think of it as a favor you do him , to help his relationship with daughter it would be easier ?  commuting time does seem to turn into fairly high quality time.  but seriously ask him to communicate this before you're getting ready for work and not on days you have other plans in the area.

SingActDance

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It sounds like you have flexibility to work from home or the office at your own choosing, do I have that right?

I would simply ask him when you wake up if he plans to take her. If he doesn't, your day goes on as planned. If he does, you have extra time to use for yourself either getting ready, stopping for a coffee on the way to work, etc.
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Arila

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I was going to suggest that you work with him to figure out ways to help out that can be done today or tomorrow or the next day depending on his varying day-to-day capability. Like...laundry or mowing the lawn or other around-the-house types of things.

But then I realized that driving DD to school for 45 minutes was also some quality time with DD, so that task in particular is valuable.

I too am still having a difficulty in understanding why having a task taken off your plate (no matter how spontaneously) is a burden to you. I can understand that it's a expectations thing, so maybe attacking it from that angle will help you. Perhaps if you continued to assume that you were taking her in only to discover you weren't you could just get started at work early. If you can re-frame it in your own mind as a sometimes random benefit, that might help with the emotional aspect.


Also, is this high school? Maybe get the kid a car and let her drive herself! :)

bah12

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I need clarification on why you'd have to work from hom if he takes your DD to school too...but I think I may be able to answer the question without the clarification.

I think that you got used to having a plan and not being able to plan ahead is frustrating for you.  Your DH wants to help, but he's not committing or communicating his desire to drive DD to school until after you made plans. Your conflicted because he's trying to do a nice thing (help you), but he's really making it more difficult for you (messing with your carefuly planned schedule). Is it as simple as just sitting down and working out a schedule with him of when he's going to take and when you are?  Either he drives her all the time, or you agree ahead of time that he does it three days a week (Mon, Wed, Fri) and you do it two days a week (Tues. Thurs...or whatever works out) and then you can plan your days accordingly.  If something changes...like the babysitting thing, then just make it clear "I'm babysitting after work on Wednesday, but I need to go to the office, so I'll go ahead and take DD to school today and bring her home.  You can drop her off on Thursday and Friday."

Deetee

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I just want to chime in and say that I don't think you are bonkers and I understand how that is frustrating. My husband just left for a week and a half. It's going to be a pain because we have two kids in care in different places and I have a conflict with pick-up times and one of my classes.

Despite that, I am looking forward to this week because, even though I need to do ALL the work, there is no debate, no negotiation, no resentment, no 20 minute discussions about who is dropping off which kid and who is biking and where we will leave the car because we need to swap partway through the day. It's all me. I know it's all me and I can schedule accordingly.

miranova

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driving DD to school for 45 minutes was also some quality time with DD, so that task in particular is valuable.

I too am still having a difficulty in understanding why having a task taken off your plate (no matter how spontaneously) is a burden to you.

These two statements seem to contradict each other, unless I'm misunderstanding something.  If taking DD to school is valuable (and I agree that it is) then how is it a favor to the OP to have this quality time with her daughter taken off her plate?  I mean, either it's great bonding time or it isn't.  I think a compromise is in order here.  I don't think it's fair for the OP's husband to essentially be in complete control of both people's schedules.  If OP wants to take her DD to school sometimes she should be able to without her Dh getting angry and starting a huge argument.