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  • July 06, 2015, 01:28:44 PM

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Author Topic: Is this rescinding an invitation?  (Read 778 times)

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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #15 on: Today at 12:41:04 PM »
Is there any truth to the concept that these trips improve relations between you and your sister, such that it could be spun not as "we don't want him" but "we don't want to do it without you"? Turn the negative into a positive.
« Last Edit: Today at 12:47:04 PM by PippaGrae »


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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #16 on: Today at 12:44:24 PM »
I agree with the person that said to tell Sister that vacation won't be the same without her and you want to do one when she can attend. If she argues that you should still go with just BIL and Cousin I would just say you really enjoy your time with her and that you are fine with just waiting till next year (or whenever).

The other route you could take, since nothing was really planned anyway, would be to not bring up the vacation again. Then when it gets close to the time when you'd have to start booking things call Sister and say "Husband and I feel like our family (you, husband, DD) needs to reconnect as a unit. I think this year we are going to just do a vacation with the 3 of us. But next year let's do the 6 of us again."

Not to hi-jack but we used to vacation with another family. One year the other Mom was going through something and I guess really screamed at and attacked my Mother over something silly (like a beach chair left at their house accicentally, type of silly). I was young and didn't see it but it was apparently BAD. Other Mom appologized but damage was done. The next year when they asked to vacation with us again my parents used the line "we need to reconnect as a family because life has been so hectic lately and we need alone time". This shifted the change onto us, not them. The next year I was finally into the "I'm too cool to vacation with my parents" stage so we didn't do anything and my parents used that as a way to distance themselves from the joint vacations.

Sorry but this is your vacation, and I know for some people, vacation days are limited and precious. You shouldn't have to spend them with someone you don't like/mesh well.


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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #17 on: Today at 12:46:56 PM »
There are very few people I would invite along to a family vacation.  I understand you want to get the cousins together, but inviting two other people along on your only vacation for the year that you aren't particularly close to just doesn't seem like the best idea.  I think that once you invited them, however, it looks very bad to rescind if only one of the adults can't attend.  It sends a message loud and clear that you don't like BIL, and while you are entitled to that feeling, it will cause all kinds of problems to make it well known.

I'll say this, if my in-laws invited us (me, Dh and kids) to something and then found out my husband couldn't be there, I would be beyond hurt if they rescinded the invitation.  It would be such a slap in the face. 

You are entitled to your feelings about BIL, but the solution is not to take back an invitation, but rather to not invite them in the future to any week long events where you are all in close proximity.


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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #18 on: Today at 01:07:45 PM »
And for the record, my BIL very strongly -- and vocally -- hates Disneyworld.

I understand why you would want to rescind the invite if your Sister isn't coming, but I agree with the others that there probably isn't a polite way to say that.

But you could say:  "Just so you know, our daughter is really looking forward to spending lots of time at Disneyworld with her cousin!  We can't wait to spend the whole week and visit every single park!" and really talk it up, and maybe BIL will change his mind about coming without Sis. :)


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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #19 on: Today at 01:08:59 PM »
This thread makes me think of all the name-changing threads recently and how people are invited to things. "And guest" is often frowned upon, and there's a lot of heart burn about people not being invited for themselves, but merely as an attachment to another person.

Personally, I feel like BIL is your family now since he's married your sister and is the father of your daughter's dear cousin, and has earned his individual invitation, not just as an attachment to your sister.

My husband and I live quite far from his family, but in the same town as my parents and sister. Last year I was out of town on business for a few weeks including during Thanksgiving, and they continued to invite him individually to family dinners and also on the holiday. How hurtful it would have been to both he and I if they had said that if I couldn't be there, he was no longer invited.

Really strict etiquette is hard to apply to close(ish) family relationships, because it often is quite cold and doesn't always account for feelings. Beware the emotional/relationship consequences.


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Re: Is this rescinding an invitation?
« Reply #20 on: Today at 01:24:15 PM »
I do understand your feelings.  Even if the goal of the trip is to get the cousins together, if BIL by himself makes an already uncomfortable situation worse, then I too would be dreading not having my sister around to soften that a little bit.

But, I think your opportunity to clarify the invitation has passed.  I could have been on board with you clarifying that the invitation was for all three of you in the moment, but to do it now, is insulting to your BIL.  And, like you said, you don't really get along with either of them, so the point really is about the cousins...your sister and BIL seem to understand that, so the goal is still being met.  Because you're willing to do these vacations, despite your relationship with the family, in order to cultivate the relationship between your daughter and her cousin, then it seems to me that maybe the fallout of rescinding the invitation (even in the moment) may not be worth the risk to your daughter. 

My advice is to take this time to focus on how you would deal with potential conflict if it were to occur.  Cousin is hard to handle without mom around? Ask your sister for tips for the times when you'd be watching the kids alone.  Worried about not getting time to yourself or date night with DH?  Then work out the schedule of family and alone events ahead of time.  BIL driving you crazy and you need to step away? Work out some code words with DH where you can tag team and both take moments to breathe before reengaging.  And, maybe your sister will go afterall, or they will decide that none of them can make it, or it won't be as bad as you fear.

Also, as the girls age and become easier to handle, you might consider (if you want to of course) offering to take just your neice on vacation with you.  Word the invitation like "DD would love to spend the time with neice.  If you two are ok with it, can we bring her to DW with us?  It would give you some time together, too."  And maybe they'll return the favor and that will be a new system that works better for everyone.