Author Topic: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."  (Read 15145 times)

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snowflake

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"Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« on: November 09, 2007, 01:57:01 PM »
Tell me if this is too snarky:

My DH and I dated for 4 years and have been married for 5.  We love children and have always volunteered with them and are very happy to borrow (some of) them.  So obviously people can't help but interjecting their observations that we are childless (Gee?  Really?  I thought it was kind of quiet.)  The comments I hate the most are the ones that imply that we simply forgot to have children.

It's hit the point where I can't say, "We're planning them later, but not now." or "We haven't decided." Without hearing lectures about biological clocks.

I can't say, "We decided not to have them." Without people asking about the decision since all of our actions until about three years ago indicated that we just couldn't wait.

I can't say, "We're trying." because everyone knows some dumb thing that we should try (and probably have) and don't believe me when I say it won't work for our particular problems. 

I can't even say, "We can't have them." People want to know what we are trying to do to remedy the situation.  I can't explain our current therapy without going into a 30 minute discourse about the latest research in gamete production.  I don't want to talk about our steps towards adoption because that sets them off on a rant based on personal experience and political agendas.

So lately, when people point out that we don't have children I look surprised, I look at my watch, and say "Thanks for reminding me.  I'll see about that."  It confuses them enough that they don't ask nosy questions.

Is that just too snarky and rude?  I know it's rude of them to ask, but two rudes don't make a polite.


Liz0229

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2007, 03:44:57 PM »
  Actually, I think that's a great response.  I think as long as you say it with a good attitude, it's not snarky at all.  I kind of picture you saying it with a bit of a grin and shrugging it off.  I know when most people make comments, they don't mean to be nosy or nasty, they think they're being helpful, so a creative reply not said in a mean way is the perfect response.

Mr. Fed

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2007, 04:02:56 PM »
This is actually one of the line items in my rant about rude questions.

Quote
3.  Unless you are offering to allow your listener to lay his/her xeno eggs in your chest cavity and let the spwanlings feed on your bloated, hollowed-out corpse, (Oo, I just used a rude phrase that the moderators won't be happy about. ) about whether they ought to start having children.

It's possible that response may raise some etiquette issues.

Quesselin

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2007, 09:45:57 AM »
I think it's a perfectly fine answer. You are acknowledging what they said (even if they don't deserve it), and you are not being rude.

SkylerY

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2007, 09:55:17 AM »
I'm so sorry that you are getting the third degree.  DH and I had trouble conceiving for a couple of years, but thankfully no one questioned us for most of it (and we never made public our efforts.)  I did have one uncle (notorious for talking first, then thinking) who slapped me on the back at a family reunion and said, "When are you gonna have kids?"  I gave him a blank, shocked look, saying nothing.  He then immediately replies, "Forget I said that, that wasn't nice, sorry."  Me-thinks he has gotten into trouble before with that question and temporarily forgot!!

Sometimes just a silent response of shock might work.  :)

~ Cristen

klm75

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2007, 02:52:46 PM »
My Aunt and Uncle would say "when we are done renovating", they finished renovating about two months before my little cousin was born.  They would just take up little jobs around the house to "renovate", dragging them out as long as possible.  My Mom, sister and I were the only ones who were told the truth.  It took them 7 years, so worth it now.

the yellow dart

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2007, 09:28:15 AM »
A previous co-worker of mine told me his response, and I have adopted it (no pun). 

"We're waiting until I grow up first."

snowflake

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2007, 12:05:17 PM »
This is actually one of the line items in my rant about rude questions.

Quote
3.  Unless you are offering to allow your listener to lay his/her xeno eggs in your chest cavity and let the spwanlings feed on your bloated, hollowed-out corpse, (Oo, I just used a rude phrase that the moderators won't be happy about. ) about whether they ought to start having children.

It's possible that response may raise some etiquette issues.


THAT IS EVIL!!!!!!!  OK, so I won't say that but thanks for posting it.

Thanks for the feed back.  I didn't want to end up in a cycle of being rude to combat rudeness.


Bobbie Fleckman

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2007, 02:56:58 PM »
That is such a rude question and definitely none of anyone's business! 

I like that your uncle "caught" himself, and apologized so sincerely. 

TroubleInTO

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2007, 04:58:12 PM »
I've always found "When Cuba becomes democratic" to be an excellent answer in this case, but that's just me. Also, I unthinkingly said this to a Cuban nurse once and she was not at all amused. Also failing is the response "My species eats its own young."

Good for you for even considering adoption, though. There are so many children who need homes. I have two adopted girls and even if the situation wasthat natural children would be an option (don't ask me how), I think I'd still opt towards adoption.

Midnight Kitty

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #10 on: November 23, 2007, 09:20:50 PM »
A lot depends upon who is asking. I just asked one of my recent married coworkers today, "Are you planning any additions?"  It was a friendly question & he wasn't offended.  He just said, "We're working on that."

I've been where you are now except we did not pursue fertility treatments.  We were, like you and your DH, very open about wanting children when we married.  We loved borrowing children & had lots at our wedding.  Everybody asked "the question" over the next 10 years.  My favorite response is, "We're practicing until we get it perfect."  Of course, close friends and immediate family were permitted follow up questions, but few asked any.  If you say it with a big grin & waggle your eyebrows a la Groucho Marx, they will crack up & move on. >:D
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

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Dindrane

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2007, 04:33:30 PM »
Asking someone if they are planning any additions seems a much better way of asking.  After all, a dog, cat, or goldfish are all additions :)

But after reading various threads on this topic, I don't think I'll ever ask that kind of question again, unless I'm just really close to the person I'm asking.


Scritzy

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2007, 02:41:52 PM »
Quote
A lot depends upon who is asking. I just asked one of my recent married coworkers today, "Are you planning any additions?"

"Why yes, we have blueprints being drawn up for a laundry room."

Sorry, couldn't resist.  >:D
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Ohmeomy

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2007, 01:07:44 AM »
You can always audibly gasp, looked shocked and say "Oh my goodness, I cannot believe you actually asked me that"!
It will make them squirm a bit which IMHO is not always a bad thing and it may even save others from the same ghastly questions.

delphinium

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Re: "Oh, must have slipped my mind."
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2007, 04:29:18 PM »
DH and I were married for 7 years before our daughter was born and people constantly asked us when we were having kids.  I wasn't swift enough on the uptake to use any of the above responses, but they're good ones!

 Anyway, DH used to say to me, "They just want us to be as miserable as they are."  LOL!  >:D

I remember one time my boss asked me if I was pregnant!  None of his business, but I just said no.  I never have the presence of mind to respond with a good comeback.