General Etiquette > Life...in general

Roommate...need help.

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Vivitop:
Hi everybody,

I got inspire about writting on the board when I read the previous post about the invasive neighbour. I have an issue with my roomate and talking to him (a few time) about it haven't solve the problem yet...

Here's some background. Roommate is very nice and we are getting along well but we are very different. He seems to live in his own little world where everybody's nice and friendly. We are living in the downtown area of a major Canadian City where the houses are very old. A lot of them are now apartment but some are still regular house (that worth a LOT of money). As I say, we are located downtown and we are very close to the streets where all the nightlife is, and we are also very close to the bad neighbourhood (only a few streets away). We are living in a small building where there's only 6 apartments. Also, there's no security door. Anybody can walk into the building. The perfect place to commit a robbery.

Roommate doesn't get the concept of "locking-the-door-behind-you-especially-when-you-are-going-to-bed". About 50% of the time, the door is unlock at night. Last week, it was everyday. I got into an habit of waking up at night to go lock the door. I lock it before I go to bed everynight but most of the time, he's getting home after I went to bed and doesn't lock it back. Posting "reminder" on the wall doesn't help.

I've talk to him a lot about it. In his mind, I'm just paranoid and nothing will happen and no one will break into our apartment because "it's a safe place". I'm also paranoid for taking the long way when I'm walking to work (at 5:30 am) instead of just cutting through the park like he does.

Does anybody have a good tip I can use to make my "living in his own safe beautiful world roommate's" to lock the door?

Thanks

P.S. might be some mistakes...english not first language.

Vivitop

ZipTheWonder:
I agree with you that it's common sense to lock the door to the apartment when you come in for the night, but it sounds like you aren't going to be able to convince him.

Is there some kind of device you can buy that causes the door to lock when it's closed?  Maybe ask at the hardware store if they can help you with something like that?

LeoGirlChelsea:
Vivitop, I really feel for you. You must feel very insecure about living together with somebody who does not share the sense of 'safety'.

My DH is male with a big body and from a countryside, where people know each other quite well and does not lock the door - while I am a girl from a very big city with a lot of crimes on the street. We live in a rather big city together, and in the beginning it was awful because we didn't share what is safe and what is not. For example, he opened the door to a stranger without asking who s/he was, whom turned out to be a drunken uni student (female) we did not know, who tried to get into our flat  >:( I was very mad at him, but for him the action was very natural and according to him, 'You are thinking too much, nothing gonna happen'. (like your flatmate).

I needed to explain why I always lock the door immediately when I came home and checked the key before I went to bed, and wanted him to do the same, and in the end it worked when I explained that I have been acted like this from the time I was a small kid and felt very insecure otherwise - do not try to 'reason' him or sound like blaming him to being 'careless', because he just got defensive and dismissive. Just tell him, in matter-of-the-fact like manner, you feel insecure with unlocked door no matter what he feels about security, and you appreciate if he can respect it by acting on it.

Bringing up some examples why you feel insecure also helps - I told him that my neighbour got smuggled and hurt at their house when I was a teenager, and we, as a small schoolchildren, had been educated to lock the door and be careful about the surroundings because some kids in my school actually got molested or smuggled when they were at the house alone.  Even if it is not your case, maybe you have some reason why you feel insecure when you are at the house with unlocked door. It would help him to understand your feeling.

Hope this helps  :)

Twik:
I think until someone has something bad happen to them (or someone they're close to), they don't "get it". Young men in particular don't seem to understand how women can feel a target - they don't worry about waking up to find an armed rapist in their bedroom, and don't automatically understand why you would.

You've got a couple of options. Set him down and read him the riot act; tell him that certain things in the apartment are NOT negotiable, and locking the door is one of them. (A few readings might help - if you can find something, for example, about the Toronto parolee who within 24 hours of getting out, talked his way into a "security" apartment, and murdered a young woman as she was leaving her apartment for work. That might shake his faith in "we're in a good area".)

Otherwise, I know there are locks that lock automatically - you need a key to get in if the door closes. I know from experience these are a pain if you run out to dump the garbage without remembering the key, but if you install one of those he'd have to take active steps to leave the door open.

Vivitop:
Thanks to all of you,

I'll try a different approach with him, especially with examples. I know a few, that might help.

He comes from a very small village where the mecanic is also the mailman! He doesn't even lock his car. If it wasn't for the 2 flat tires on his car, I'm sure it would have been stolen by now. At first, I thought I would feel safer living with a man. It's definitely not the case!

V.

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