Roommate...need help.

[Sophia]

there is another one.  W   T   F  translates to something like ...

well, I will just put the initialls and let the computer do it

Sweet monkey fritters!

It tickles me, because it is so really polite. 

[VorFemme]

Bringing up some examples why you feel insecure also helps - I told him that my neighbour got smuggled and hurt at their house when I was a teenager, and we, as a small schoolchildren, had been educated to lock the door and be careful about the surroundings because some kids in my school actually got molested or smuggled when they were at the house alone.  Even if it is not your case, maybe you have some reason why you feel insecure when you are at the house with unlocked door. It would help him to understand your feeling.

My husband comes home from work and shakes the locked door as if it will open if he just shakes it long enough.  He doesn't understand WHY I lock the door - we "live in a good neighborhood".

Yep - in the Houston, Texas area with several million other people.  At least a few of those are nuts or criminals.  And there is a prison area a few miles south of us on Hwy 6.......I've seen the chain gang hoeing in the spring with an armed guard on a horse watching them.

So - I lock the door when I am home alone.  If I *realize* that it is almost time for DeHubby and DeSon to get home from school (DeHubby is teaching) I go down and unlock the door.  But if he comes home unexpectedly - he really should realize that he has a house key in his pocket for a reason...............

DeHubby has never been raped and the only time he was "assaulted" was while he was young, in the military, and in great physical shape.  The drunk got tossed across the room and he got the "rep" as someone to leave alone.

Being female and NOT in that kind of shape (not to mention almost thirty years older than he was back then) and having a history of having been raped in college and molested in elementary school - I am much more AWARE of "what happens.  And much more aware that it is more likely to happen to ME or the teenaged boy in the house than to DeHubby.  Since the girl is now out on her own (and leaves HER door locked even though she lives in a small town with the chief of police living a block from her house).

This is something that a young man is not likely to think about unless something BAD has happened to someone in his family - guys seem to have the idea that they will never be hurt more than women of the same age and lack of experience.  Many people treat women and girls as if they are smaller and more fragile than guys of the same age - even if they are the same size.  I'm not making comments about whether that is right, wrong, gender biased, or whatever - I am just saying that it seems to be so with many of the people I have known.  And my data base is getting close to fifty years in depth across a large part of the United States - so I think it is probably a representative sample..............or close to it.

[taralee]

My father lives in the same small town he grew up in -- picture a small farming community, no more than a couple thousand people. He lives next door to his sister, his brothers all live within a few miles, far out in the country. Nobody locks their doors, people leave their keys in their cars, that sort of thing. Everybody knows everybody else, and my dad has always felt "safe".

A couple of years ago, my dad was having some construction work done on his house. A couple of weeks after that was done, he came home and walked into the house to find 3 masked men holding my stepmom at gunpoint (the gunmen had simply walked into the house, since it was unlocked). They robbed them, roughed up my dad, and scared both of them very badly. My dad is pretty sure that it was one of the construction workers that was wearing the masks, though they weren't able to prove anything.

My dad bought new steel doors for the house, and they always lock the doors now, even during the day. I think in this day and age, that the concept of being safe no matter what is no longer true anywhere, sad to say. You need to be proactive (though, probably not paranoid) no matter where you live.

[rockingrandma]

Ok, first off, I know that you can get door knobs that automatically lock because we have one on the door to our building.  There is the keyed side and then the other side is just a smooth knob, no locking mechanism.  When we first moved in the druggies upstairs drove a screw into the frame through the catch so the bolt wouldn't lock, but I took care of that really fast. 

Quick story.  About 10 years ago ex hubby and I rented the house next door to my dad.  The front doors were always locked because nobody used them, but the back door was perpetually unlocked, mostly because dd would run in and out during the day.  One day I was standing in the kitchen in the back of the house, making coffee, butt naked (I hate clothes....I'm naked right now! )  when in walks some guy.  He's a bit flustered because the kitchen furniture is different and asks if previous tenent still lives there.  Nope, they moved about 4 months ago.  THEN he realized I'm naked.  He ran out of there so fast it wasn't funny.  I know, I know, it could've turned out much worse and you'd think that I'd learned my lesson.  Nope.  Until we moved out of that house I never locked the back door, we always left the keys in the truck, and I always walked around naked.

[Bijou]

Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!! That story is absolutely frightening!  I would have been terrified!

Years ago when I still lived at home, I had a dream that was so real, it still freaks me out to this day.  I dreamt that I woke up to find a man standing over my bed.  I thought I was awake and when I started to scream in the dream, I woke up for real.  It was the most frightening dream I have ever had in my entire life.  I think a woman's worst nightmare would be to wake up to find a strange man standing over her bed.  At least it would be for me.

My dh works shiftwork and sometimes I am home alone all night.  To this day, I am still afraid to be in the house alone sleeping - mostly b/c of that dream.  Even when I'm home alone during the day, the doors are always locked.  ALWAYS.  We have a lock on the bedroom door and that is also locked when we sleep. 

OP - you really need to sit down with your room mate and tell him that you are a woman living in a large city and that security there is not the same as in his hometown.  Tell him you are extremely afraid and it makes you very nervous when he doesn't lock the door.  If he cannot remember to lock the door, then perhaps you should move out or get a new room mate, depending on whose apartment it is.  You really should not stand for this and you absolutely MUST get your point to him or take action to promote your own safety. 
[/quote]

It took me a real long time to feel comfortable in my own home again after that night.  
Your dream is frightening.  I'm not crazy about staying alone, but not as bad as when the kids were little.  

[RegionMom]

Last October, my DD noticed the back door open at breakfast.
No big deal, right?
But then we found out that my purse was missing, the cash on the counter for the phone bill, and my new MP3 player--gone.
Police, fingerprints, the whole deal.  Fortunately, some was recovered, and was not a huge loss because I am such a 2nd hand shopper, and have a messy house so harder to find the "good" stuff!  lol

But then I had a dream the next night of a poisonous snake loose in the house.  And then I dreamed of a gunman entering the next night.

So DH said we either get a dog or a gun. 

i live in TX.  You decide which we got!  _

[TZ]

Sorry if this is long.

Have a serious talk with your roommate.  If he doesn't begin locking the door, find a new roommate.  It may be inconvenient, but if he will not learn, you need to take action to ensure your safety.

I posted in the other thread about my roommate leaving the door open and a drug addict making himself at home in our apartment.  This incident occurred a few months after a much more serious one.

My roommate, "Jane," was out of town, so I was sleeping at home by myself.  Before I went to bed, I checked all of the doors and windows to make sure they were locked.  Except I didn't check Jane's bedroom window, as I didn't want to barge into her room and invade her privacy. 

At about 3 am, the police burst through my bedroom door.  Some guy had come in through Jane's window.  He had removed all of the screens on the front windows, but he couldn't get in because they were locked.  He easily got in through Jane's, though.  My neighbors, whom I didn't really know, saw him, and he explained that he lived there, but he was locked out.  They didn't think twice about it until he pulled out a flashlight once he was inside.  If he had been smarter, I would have been in serious trouble.

Because the neighbors got a good look at the guy, the police were able to determine that he was likely the same person who had brutally raped and beaten a girl the previous week.  The only reason he hadn't made it to my room is because he was taking his time going through Jane's dirty laundry and stealing her dirty underwear.  When the police arrived, he ran, and they never caught him.

After that, I paid for additional locks on the windows, window alarms, chain locks on the doors, security bars, and censor lights.  But those things were useless because Jane continued to leave the door unlocked.  She never learned her lesson.  This is a girl who was both puzzled and devastated when her grandmother's heirloom ring was stolen from an unlocked locker at the gym and when her vintage Gucci bag was stolen from her unlocked car while she was at a baseball game.  She never learned from experience and just didn't see a correlation between leaving things unlocked and theft/break-ins. 

My point is that some people will never learn their lesson, even when dangerous things have already happened.  If your roommate cannot learn to lock the doors, you should not continue to give him a chance.  If he won't lock the doors, you need to find a roommate who will.  Safety is the most important thing.

[sparksals]

Ok, first off, I know that you can get door knobs that automatically lock because we have one on the door to our building.  There is the keyed side and then the other side is just a smooth knob, no locking mechanism.  When we first moved in the druggies upstairs drove a screw into the frame through the catch so the bolt wouldn't lock, but I took care of that really fast. 

Quick story.  About 10 years ago ex hubby and I rented the house next door to my dad.  The front doors were always locked because nobody used them, but the back door was perpetually unlocked, mostly because dd would run in and out during the day.  One day I was standing in the kitchen in the back of the house, making coffee, butt naked (I hate clothes....I'm naked right now! )   when in walks some guy.  He's a bit flustered because the kitchen furniture is different and asks if previous tenent still lives there.  Nope, they moved about 4 months ago.  THEN he realized I'm naked.   He ran out of there so fast it wasn't funny.  I know, I know, it could've turned out much worse and you'd think that I'd learned my lesson.  Nope.  Until we moved out of that house I never locked the back door, we always left the keys in the truck, and I always walked around naked.

Ya know, Rockin Grandma??? I was going to post that you gave TMI, but I have to say that you are One.Rockin.Grandma!  Although I didn't need to know you were naked at the time of your post, I couldn't help but laugh!  YOU GO GIRL!!! lol

[Only me]

Hi

There are deadbolt locks that you can get that can only be locked from the inside Any major Hardware store should sell them. Since he's home most times after you, if you lock it, he'll have to knock or get your attention. (Downside you'll have to wake up).

Or you can buy alarm's that will ring when the door opens. Again the hardware stores will have them. That may catch his attention if you set it and "forget" to tell him.

[rockingrandma]

Ya know, Rockin Grandma??? I was going to post that you gave TMI, but I have to say that you are One.Rockin.Grandma!  Although I didn't need to know you were naked at the time of your post, I couldn't help but laugh!  YOU GO GIRL!!! lol

You'll be happy to know that I am now dressed in jeans and a KISS tshirt.  I guess I need to censor myself a bit though.  Some of the funniest, craziest, things happen to me when I am sans clothing.  Like the time one of my sister's idiot friends decided that no one was home and to come inside and help himself to ex-dh's guitars.  At 7 am.  He went out the back door.  There was 6 inches of snow on the ground.  I went out the back door and followed his footsteps in the snow around the house, to the sidewalk, and there he was.  And there I was, with NOTHING but my old vacuum cleaner.  It's amazing that he didn't drop the guitar when I hit him in the back of the head full on with that vacuum....he just took off running.  And there I stood, with a busted vacuum, on the sidewalk, traffic going by honking, yes, you guessed it.

When the police showed up at my door (someone had called them on me)  I told them the situation.  I was still livid, and shaking from the anger (not the cold).  They threatened to take ME in because 1) public indecency and 2) I knew the guy I hit was only 17.  They weren't even going to file a burglery report for me.  I dealt with that idiot 3 times in one year from him stealing from me or my sister, and every time the cops did nothing.

Nowadays things around here a little different.  Now when we have problems with the cops trying not to do anything because the person that should be arrested is related to an ex cop or dead ex cop, I just pipe up with "related to an ex cop huh?  That could almost get you out of going to jail, if it weren't for the fact that the mayor is my cousin."

[Belle]

That is scary scary scary. I've lived in teeny-weeny tiny towns as well as very large cities, and people in the small towns often seem to have a false sense of security that the big city people don't have. Even if you know every single person in your town, you don't know all of their friends, all of the people that just drive through town, etc., etc. Until recently I lived in a small, "safe" college town. Many students did not lock their doors because it's a "safe" town. Unfortunately, last year a man entered a house through one of these unlocked doors and raped a woman at gunpoint. Later the same week there was an armed robbery (we don't know if it was the same person, because the perp wasn't caught), where, AGAIN, the perpetrator simply entered the house through an unlocked door. And this was only a few days after the first incident. Shouldn't you learn to lock your doors after something like that happens???

As a woman living alone, I am a firm believer in always having your doors locked while at home. I'm not overly paranoid, but there are basic security precautions (e.g., locking my doors) that I adhere to. I agree with some of the other posters--if your roommate continues to leave the door unlocked, despite your requests that he lock it, put a deadbolt on. Hopefully after coming home to a locked house several nights in a row he'll realize that you are SERIOUS. (Yes, this would involved waking you up to get into the house, but I would rather be woken up than sleep in an unlocked house.)

My fiance, when packing his bags for Iraq, debated whether to bring our house key with him. He decided to bring it with in case he ever got a chance to surprise me by coming home unexpectedly. I made it perfectly clear that unexpectedly hearing or finding a man in your house is NOT a pleasant surprise for any woman and would likely get dearest fiance pepper-sprayed. (Pepper spray first, ask questions later!)

[Sophia]

...So DH said we either get a dog or a gun. 

i live in TX.  You decide which we got!  _

Fellow Texan guesses both! 

[Slartibartfast]

I second the idea that a lot of guys don't realize how much less worrying about safety they do.

I was taking a shower late one evening, and my DH wanted to "surprise" me (presumably for something involving the bed when I got out).  So I had just turned off the shower when he turned off the bathroom lights.  It's late, dark, there are no lights on in the house, and he also took the towels from the hook (to ensure I would hurry up getting out of the bathroom to look for them, I think.)

Now, for some reason, my first thought was that it was someone who had broken into our home and hurt DH, and was going to rape me if he figured out I was standing there naked in the tub.  I know now (and probably part of me even realised then) that this was ridiculous, because our dog wasn't barking like he would if someone had come in the house, but I just couldn't force myself to take two steps across the bathroom and turn on the light.  I just crouched down, shivering, and freaking out silently.  I ended up calling softly to the dog who came and stood near me, and DH came in to find out what was wrong when he heard me crying into our puppy's fur    I felt bad because it was sweet of DH to try to surprise me with something fun and different, but I was jittery in the shower for months afterward, and I still won't take a shower when I'm alone in the house.

ETA:  Darnit, this is making me cry again now.  I shouldn't post these things from work - I hope nobody comes in my library for the next few minutes

[HogwartsAlum]

We lived in a very small town, rural and isolated.  This happened at a time when it was still a fairly quiet place, in the late 70's.  We always locked our doors, but the kitchen door was inadvertently left unlocked one night.  We were in bed, the house was dark and it was about 2:15am.  A strange man walked into our house and as soon as he came in the door I woke up.  I didn't recognize the footsteps and knew it wasn't a member of the family.  I heard his footsteps slowly and quietly coming through the kitchen, down the hall, into our bedroom and stop at the foot of our bed for a minute.  Then I heard them leave our room and go into the living room where three of my near adult kids were sleeping and heard them stop there.  Then they came back into our room and again stopped at the foot of the bed.  All the while I was wide awake, not moving and my mind racing trying to figure out what to do.  Thankfully, my husband, who worked in another city, just happened to be there that night.  When the guy came into our room the second time, it disturbed my husband, who woke up, jumped out of bed and in a split second was standing next to the bed, not exactly dresssed for company, saying, "Can I help you?" in a very polite voice.  This unexpected reaction must have scared the heck out of the guy because he quickly left, muttering that he was in the wrong house.  But, was he?  Supposing the kids and I had been alone.  Who knows what would have happened.  I used to think he was just some drunk who left the bar and went to the wrong house, but now I remember that since it was Thanksgiving night, no bars were likely to be open, so who knows where he came from and what his intention was.
I would insist that the doors be locked.  It just isn't safe.  
[/quote]


That is the CREEEPIEST thing I have ever heard...I'm so glad that you all were all right!

[HogwartsAlum]

I second the idea that a lot of guys don't realize how much less worrying about safety they do.

I was taking a shower late one evening, and my DH wanted to "surprise" me (presumably for something involving the bed when I got out).  So I had just turned off the shower when he turned off the bathroom lights.  It's late, dark, there are no lights on in the house, and he also took the towels from the hook (to ensure I would hurry up getting out of the bathroom to look for them, I think.)

Now, for some reason, my first thought was that it was someone who had broken into our home and hurt DH, and was going to rape me if he figured out I was standing there naked in the tub.  I know now (and probably part of me even realised then) that this was ridiculous, because our dog wasn't barking like he would if someone had come in the house, but I just couldn't force myself to take two steps across the bathroom and turn on the light.  I just crouched down, shivering, and freaking out silently.  I ended up calling softly to the dog who came and stood near me, and DH came in to find out what was wrong when he heard me crying into our puppy's fur    I felt bad because it was sweet of DH to try to surprise me with something fun and different, but I was jittery in the shower for months afterward, and I still won't take a shower when I'm alone in the house.

ETA:  Darnit, this is making me cry again now.  I shouldn't post these things from work - I hope nobody comes in my library for the next few minutes

*HUG* I hope he slept on the couch for a few days!!!!!