Roommate...need help.

[Vivitop]

Hi everybody,

I got inspire about writting on the board when I read the previous post about the invasive neighbour. I have an issue with my roomate and talking to him (a few time) about it haven't solve the problem yet...

Here's some background. Roommate is very nice and we are getting along well but we are very different. He seems to live in his own little world where everybody's nice and friendly. We are living in the downtown area of a major Canadian City where the houses are very old. A lot of them are now apartment but some are still regular house (that worth a LOT of money). As I say, we are located downtown and we are very close to the streets where all the nightlife is, and we are also very close to the bad neighbourhood (only a few streets away). We are living in a small building where there's only 6 apartments. Also, there's no security door. Anybody can walk into the building. The perfect place to commit a robbery.

Roommate doesn't get the concept of "locking-the-door-behind-you-especially-when-you-are-going-to-bed". About 50% of the time, the door is unlock at night. Last week, it was everyday. I got into an habit of waking up at night to go lock the door. I lock it before I go to bed everynight but most of the time, he's getting home after I went to bed and doesn't lock it back. Posting "reminder" on the wall doesn't help.

I've talk to him a lot about it. In his mind, I'm just paranoid and nothing will happen and no one will break into our apartment because "it's a safe place". I'm also paranoid for taking the long way when I'm walking to work (at 5:30 am) instead of just cutting through the park like he does.

Does anybody have a good tip I can use to make my "living in his own safe beautiful world roommate's" to lock the door?

Thanks

P.S. might be some mistakes...english not first language.

Vivitop

[ZipTheWonder]

I agree with you that it's common sense to lock the door to the apartment when you come in for the night, but it sounds like you aren't going to be able to convince him.

Is there some kind of device you can buy that causes the door to lock when it's closed?  Maybe ask at the hardware store if they can help you with something like that?

[LeoGirlChelsea]

Vivitop, I really feel for you. You must feel very insecure about living together with somebody who does not share the sense of 'safety'.

My DH is male with a big body and from a countryside, where people know each other quite well and does not lock the door - while I am a girl from a very big city with a lot of crimes on the street. We live in a rather big city together, and in the beginning it was awful because we didn't share what is safe and what is not. For example, he opened the door to a stranger without asking who s/he was, whom turned out to be a drunken uni student (female) we did not know, who tried to get into our flat  I was very mad at him, but for him the action was very natural and according to him, 'You are thinking too much, nothing gonna happen'. (like your flatmate).

I needed to explain why I always lock the door immediately when I came home and checked the key before I went to bed, and wanted him to do the same, and in the end it worked when I explained that I have been acted like this from the time I was a small kid and felt very insecure otherwise - do not try to 'reason' him or sound like blaming him to being 'careless', because he just got defensive and dismissive. Just tell him, in matter-of-the-fact like manner, you feel insecure with unlocked door no matter what he feels about security, and you appreciate if he can respect it by acting on it.

Bringing up some examples why you feel insecure also helps - I told him that my neighbour got smuggled and hurt at their house when I was a teenager, and we, as a small schoolchildren, had been educated to lock the door and be careful about the surroundings because some kids in my school actually got molested or smuggled when they were at the house alone.  Even if it is not your case, maybe you have some reason why you feel insecure when you are at the house with unlocked door. It would help him to understand your feeling.

Hope this helps 

[Twik]

I think until someone has something bad happen to them (or someone they're close to), they don't "get it". Young men in particular don't seem to understand how women can feel a target - they don't worry about waking up to find an armed rapist in their bedroom, and don't automatically understand why you would.

You've got a couple of options. Set him down and read him the riot act; tell him that certain things in the apartment are NOT negotiable, and locking the door is one of them. (A few readings might help - if you can find something, for example, about the Toronto parolee who within 24 hours of getting out, talked his way into a "security" apartment, and murdered a young woman as she was leaving her apartment for work. That might shake his faith in "we're in a good area".)

Otherwise, I know there are locks that lock automatically - you need a key to get in if the door closes. I know from experience these are a pain if you run out to dump the garbage without remembering the key, but if you install one of those he'd have to take active steps to leave the door open.

[Vivitop]

Thanks to all of you,

I'll try a different approach with him, especially with examples. I know a few, that might help.

He comes from a very small village where the mecanic is also the mailman! He doesn't even lock his car. If it wasn't for the 2 flat tires on his car, I'm sure it would have been stolen by now. At first, I thought I would feel safer living with a man. It's definitely not the case!

V.

[Bijou]

Hi everybody,

I got inspire about writting on the board when I read the previous post about the invasive neighbour. I have an issue with my roomate and talking to him (a few time) about it haven't solve the problem yet...

Here's some background. Roommate is very nice and we are getting along well but we are very different. He seems to live in his own little world where everybody's nice and friendly. We are living in the downtown area of a major Canadian City where the houses are very old. A lot of them are now apartment but some are still regular house (that worth a LOT of money). As I say, we are located downtown and we are very close to the streets where all the nightlife is, and we are also very close to the bad neighbourhood (only a few streets away). We are living in a small building where there's only 6 apartments. Also, there's no security door. Anybody can walk into the building. The perfect place to commit a robbery.

Roommate doesn't get the concept of "locking-the-door-behind-you-especially-when-you-are-going-to-bed". About 50% of the time, the door is unlock at night. Last week, it was everyday. I got into an habit of waking up at night to go lock the door. I lock it before I go to bed everynight but most of the time, he's getting home after I went to bed and doesn't lock it back. Posting "reminder" on the wall doesn't help.

I've talk to him a lot about it. In his mind, I'm just paranoid and nothing will happen and no one will break into our apartment because "it's a safe place". I'm also paranoid for taking the long way when I'm walking to work (at 5:30 am) instead of just cutting through the park like he does.

Does anybody have a good tip I can use to make my "living in his own safe beautiful world roommate's" to lock the door?

Thanks

P.S. might be some mistakes...english not first language.

Vivitop

We lived in a very small town, rural and isolated.  This happened at a time when it was still a fairly quiet place, in the late 70's.  We always locked our doors, but the kitchen door was inadvertently left unlocked one night.  We were in bed, the house was dark and it was about 2:15am.  A strange man walked into our house and as soon as he came in the door I woke up.  I didn't recognize the footsteps and knew it wasn't a member of the family.  I heard his footsteps slowly and quietly coming through the kitchen, down the hall, into our bedroom and stop at the foot of our bed for a minute.  Then I heard them leave our room and go into the living room where three of my near adult kids were sleeping and heard them stop there.  Then they came back into our room and again stopped at the foot of the bed.  All the while I was wide awake, not moving and my mind racing trying to figure out what to do.  Thankfully, my husband, who worked in another city, just happened to be there that night.  When the guy came into our room the second time, it disturbed my husband, who woke up, jumped out of bed and in a split second was standing next to the bed, not exactly dresssed for company, saying, "Can I help you?" in a very polite voice.  This unexpected reaction must have scared the heck out of the guy because he quickly left, muttering that he was in the wrong house.  But, was he?  Supposing the kids and I had been alone.  Who knows what would have happened.  I used to think he was just some drunk who left the bar and went to the wrong house, but now I remember that since it was Thanksgiving night, no bars were likely to be open, so who knows where he came from and what his intention was.
I would insist that the doors be locked.  It just isn't safe.  

[FoxPaws]

You could also install a lock on your bedroom door. At least you and your valuables would be safe that way.

[sparksals]

Hi everybody,

I got inspire about writting on the board when I read the previous post about the invasive neighbour. I have an issue with my roomate and talking to him (a few time) about it haven't solve the problem yet...

Here's some background. Roommate is very nice and we are getting along well but we are very different. He seems to live in his own little world where everybody's nice and friendly. We are living in the downtown area of a major Canadian City where the houses are very old. A lot of them are now apartment but some are still regular house (that worth a LOT of money). As I say, we are located downtown and we are very close to the streets where all the nightlife is, and we are also very close to the bad neighbourhood (only a few streets away). We are living in a small building where there's only 6 apartments. Also, there's no security door. Anybody can walk into the building. The perfect place to commit a robbery.

Roommate doesn't get the concept of "locking-the-door-behind-you-especially-when-you-are-going-to-bed". About 50% of the time, the door is unlock at night. Last week, it was everyday. I got into an habit of waking up at night to go lock the door. I lock it before I go to bed everynight but most of the time, he's getting home after I went to bed and doesn't lock it back. Posting "reminder" on the wall doesn't help.

I've talk to him a lot about it. In his mind, I'm just paranoid and nothing will happen and no one will break into our apartment because "it's a safe place". I'm also paranoid for taking the long way when I'm walking to work (at 5:30 am) instead of just cutting through the park like he does.

Does anybody have a good tip I can use to make my "living in his own safe beautiful world roommate's" to lock the door?

Thanks

P.S. might be some mistakes...english not first language.

Vivitop

We lived in a very small town, rural and isolated.  This happened at a time when it was still a fairly quiet place, in the late 70's.  We always locked our doors, but the kitchen door was inadvertently left unlocked one night.  We were in bed, the house was dark and it was about 2:15am.  A strange man walked into our house and as soon as he came in the door I woke up.  I didn't recognize the footsteps and knew it wasn't a member of the family.  I heard his footsteps slowly and quietly coming through the kitchen, down the hall, into our bedroom and stop at the foot of our bed for a minute.  Then I heard them leave our room and go into the living room where three of my near adult kids were sleeping and heard them stop there.  Then they came back into our room and again stopped at the foot of the bed.  All the while I was wide awake, not moving and my mind racing trying to figure out what to do.  Thankfully, my husband, who worked in another city, just happened to be there that night.  When the guy came into our room the second time, it disturbed my husband, who woke up, jumped out of bed and in a split second was standing next to the bed, not exactly dresssed for company, saying, "Can I help you?" in a very polite voice.  This unexpected reaction must have scared the heck out of the guy because he quickly left, muttering that he was in the wrong house.  But, was he?  Supposing the kids and I had been alone.  Who knows what would have happened.  I used to think he was just some drunk who left the bar and went to the wrong house, but now I remember that since it was Thanksgiving night, no bars were likely to be open, so who knows where he came from and what his intention was.
I would insist that the doors be locked.  It just isn't safe.  

Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!! That story is absolutely frightening!  I would have been terrified!

Years ago when I still lived at home, I had a dream that was so real, it still freaks me out to this day.  I dreamt that I woke up to find a man standing over my bed.  I thought I was awake and when I started to scream in the dream, I woke up for real.  It was the most frightening dream I have ever had in my entire life.  I think a woman's worst nightmare would be to wake up to find a strange man standing over her bed.  At least it would be for me.

My dh works shiftwork and sometimes I am home alone all night.  To this day, I am still afraid to be in the house alone sleeping - mostly b/c of that dream.  Even when I'm home alone during the day, the doors are always locked.  ALWAYS.  We have a lock on the bedroom door and that is also locked when we sleep. 

OP - you really need to sit down with your room mate and tell him that you are a woman living in a large city and that security there is not the same as in his hometown.  Tell him you are extremely afraid and it makes you very nervous when he doesn't lock the door.  If he cannot remember to lock the door, then perhaps you should move out or get a new room mate, depending on whose apartment it is.  You really should not stand for this and you absolutely MUST get your point to him or take action to promote your own safety. 

[sparksals]

HUH?  I wrote the initials of o.m.g and 'Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!! ' displayed.  Am I going nuts?

[HorseFreak]

I lived with a couple girls in a "safe" neighborhood of Boston. However, the "unsafe" areas weren't that far away and I learned in my self defense class that acquaintances (such as the neighbor you chat with from time to time) are the most dangerous because you let your guard down. I could not convince these girls for the life of me to lock the door at night and to stop removing the batteries from the smoke detectors. I went as far as purchasing new detectors with "hush" buttons but that still didn't deter them. One girl managed to use the hush button only once- when the carbon monoxide detector was going off in the middle of the night!

I finally had a very firm word with them about personal safety and how I would not stand for them leaving my personal safety up in the air. I was rather angry and apparently frightening when I gave them the tongue lashing (when I'm normally quiet and reserved), but it was the only thing that worked. When my lease was up I moved into a studio by myself and it was the best decision I ever made.

This isn't a case of "you were supposed to do the dishes." Throw a fit if you must, whatever it takes to get through to him. Let him know you will not tolerate this.

[MineralDiva]

You should definitely not tolerate what's going on with this guy.  He's absolutely putting both your safety at risk!  Sounds like it's time to either get an apartment by yourself....or a new room mate, who will respect basic security precautions.

Or...and this is a bit twisted and probably completely impractical on many levels...

If you're friends with some local actors, you could "stage" an improv home invasion, when your room mate is there...and scare him into reality!

[Sophia]

Another thing to try.  I assume Canada has the same sex pervert registration websites that are in America.  You enter your address, and it pops up with all the perverts that live near you, what they did, how long they served, their photo.  I would bet big money you have several within a couple of blocks.  It might your roommate realize this isn't the village. 

I live in a 'nice' suburb of Dallas.  My neighborhood has single family homes, and lots of kids.  A nice elementary school 3 blocks away.  Last time I checked there were 3 perverts on my three block street.  One of which was living across the street. 

[Twik]

HUH?  I wrote the initials of o.m.g and 'Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!! ' displayed.  Am I going nuts?

Here, let me try:

Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!

Wow! The board does that automatically!

Wouldn't that be great in real life - you accidentally let slip an expletive in front of Great Aunt Sally, or your boss, and it get translated into appropriate language. I want it!

[MineralDiva]

That happened the first time I tried to post the name of where our board was most recently hosted.  It came up "Delphooey," instead.  lol

I want that program too!

ETA:  I typed it in correctly again, knowing the board would catch it and change it.  Too cool!

[sparksals]

Another thing to try.  I assume Canada has the same sex pervert registration websites that are in America.  You enter your address, and it pops up with all the perverts that live near you, what they did, how long they served, their photo.  I would bet big money you have several within a couple of blocks.  It might your roommate realize this isn't the village. 

I live in a 'nice' suburb of Dallas.  My neighborhood has single family homes, and lots of kids.  A nice elementary school 3 blocks away.  Last time I checked there were 3 perverts on my three block street.  One of which was living across the street. 

Believe it or not, Canada only introduced a national sex offender registry in 2004, much to the protest of a few provinces.  Sweet monkey fritters!?   Apparently, it's not very helpful yet because it is not retroactive to before it was enacted, so those who were convicted or got out before will not be on it.  

Here's a newsarticle about how it came about in Canada:  http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/missingchildren/sexoffenderregistry.html

Also, when Ontario enacted a provincial registry, a judge threw out the legislation!  Another problem with Ontario's registry was it was only valid in Ontario and the info would not be available if the person moved out of that province.  Since the national registry, I think that has been corrected.