Violating "musician etiquette" by proxy?

[freakyfemme]

Hey all,

Lately, I've been in the process of doing grad-school-related things, including making audition CD's (I already sent one to McGill, so everyone cross your fingers for me, okay?)  Anyway, upon my mother's request, I burned an extra copy of the CD to send home to my parents, because they'd mentioned that they miss hearing me play when I'm not at home, and they might not be able to make it to my recital in March, because of their amorphously-scheduled court hearing. 

But anyway, on to my main point.  I just got an e-mail from my mom saying that she and my dad had met up with some old friends at the movies last night, and invited them back to the house for wine.  Fine, right?  Well, sure, but she then went on to mention that my dad had played the CD for them.  She didn't say whether they'd asked to hear it or not, so I wrote back, and just casually said "Oh, I'm glad Mr. and Mrs. Friend liked the CD, it's flattering that they'd ask to hear it, since I know that you two would never have played it for them unsolicited."  I actually *don't* know that, but I really hope they didn't, because it's really not appropriate for a musician (or any other kind of performing artist, for that matter) to force a performance upon a captive audience that didn't specifically request it, whether said performance happens to be live or recorded. 

But then, since the CD could sort of be considered a gift (although they requested it, because I wouldn't have sent it otherwise, because in my circle, audition CD's are not to be given as gifts unless the other party specifically requests it), then maybe I'm being rude by placing stipulations on how it can be used, although they understand by now that the public playing of an audition CD without being asked to do so is considered narcissistic and impolite among musicians.  I guess I should have probably expected this kind of thing to happen when I sent it home, since my parents do the "impromptu entertaining" thing a lot more than they used to, but nevertheless, this whole scenario has created a "grey area" where I'm not really sure of the rules.  I'm sure they didn't mean to be rude (or, by extension, make me look rude), it was probably just a matter of the "proud parent syndrome" getting the better of them. 

Nevertheless, I know I have a disadvantage as a musician, since I only started playing when I was fourteen, so the only way I'll ever be taken seriously is if I follow the correct protocol to the letter--arriving on time and prepared for all my musical commitments (lessons, rehearsals, recordings, and performances), dressing nicely for performances, acknowledging my accompanist and my page-turner after I finish performing, and absolutely NOT forcing my music on anyone who doesn't want to hear it, even vicariously. 

[IndianInlaw]

They are the culprits, not you.

If that helps.

[freakyfemme]

They are the culprits, not you.

If that helps.

Oh, I know......Thanks, IndianInlaw.  It's probably not likely that word will get out, but my parents have a widespread circle of friends, and I just hope that one of these days, they don't *accidentally* whip out my CD and insist on playing it for their dear friend Murgatroid, whose cousin's roommate's best friend's uncle happened to be pledge brothers in Beta Sigma Booze with the Dean of Admissions at one or other of the schools I'm applying at.  If that happened, then sooner or later, word might get out at the music schools that "You know that girl, Freakyfemme Starvingartist, who applied to come to the grad school here in September?  Well, she has NO CLASS, and neither do her parents!!!"  Seriously, I know it sounds crazy, but stranger things can happen, and HAVE happened.  I didn't even know Bishop's existed until the middle of OAC, when I applied to come here, but right around the time I got my acceptance letter from them, all of a sudden, my parents had this friend and that friend and the other friend who knew someone who'd either gone to Bishop's, was currently studying at Bishop's, or had some connection with Bishop's in one way or another......and these were old friends of theirs who had just chosen that moment to volunteer the information.  So really, you never know.

[sparksals]

I think it's "proud parent" syndrome.  You didn't solicit onto the friends, your parents did.  

[FoxPaws]

I think a lot depends on how your CD was used.

Scenario 1: Dad is looking for some music to put on for ambiance and remembers your CD, mentions that it's you as he pops it into the player, and Mr. and Mrs. Friend listen intently for a few minutes, remark to your parents how talented you are, and the rest of the evening's conversation ebbs and flows with the sound of your clarinet in the background.

Scenario 2: Mr. and Mrs. Friend enter the house, Dad pours them each one glass of wine, announces he has a special treat for them, and they spend the remainder of the evening glued to your parent's couch, listening to your entire audition CD.

There are pros and cons to either situation. I'm sure to a professional (or aspiring) musician, the idea of being background music is as offensive as being forced upon a captive audience. But, as you pointed out, the CD was a gift, which absolves you of any rights (or blame!) as to what is done with it, and they are proud and supportive of you, and I'm sure the Friends took that into consideration, no matter which scenario took place.

In short, you aren't responsible for what your parents do, and there is no point getting upset over a situation beyond your control.

Good luck with graduate school.

[freakyfemme]

I'm sure to a professional (or aspiring) musician, the idea of being background music is as offensive as being forced upon a captive audience.

How did you know?!?!  Lol.....yeah, that's the hard thing about recordings.  Giving one as an unsolicited "gift" is rude, playing one for people who didn't ask you to is rude, but at the same time, putting one on as "background music" just feels sort of.....not right, like, oh, I don't know, propping the Mona Lisa on cinder blocks and using it as a coffee table.  So, that's why I don't use audition CD's for anything other than auditions, if I can help it.  It seems like a bit of a waste, but I get plenty of opportunities to perform, so it's not a big deal.  In the best case scenario, I guess it would start with Mr. and Mrs. Friend asking to listen to the CD (although, my parents mentioning that I'd made one could sort of be construed as "hinting"), and then my parents complying, but then turning it off as soon as the Friends started to look bored (not that I'd blame them, Mozart is often very repetitive.....very repetitive......very repetitive).  But, I know that it's not realistic to expect it to always happen that way, which is why it's awkward.  I like what you said about me not being to blame for my parents using a "gift" I gave them (although, like I said, it wasn't really a gift in the traditional sense) to violate etiquette.....and, I guess it's not as blatant as if I'd, say, given the five-year-old of two clueless parents an air horn, knowing that said child would use the air horn to annoy his or her parents, and all their friends, at every available opportunity, lol.

[EvilAlice]

I don't see it as any different than a parent or grandparent boring other people with photos of or stories about their child.  I can't imagine that any reasonable person would somehow see this as you pushing your music in someone's face, when you weren't even there.  If it's considered such a major transgression to create the slightest risk that someone will hear your music without asking to, I'd think there would be rules against recording it in the first place.

Even if their guests didn't particularly want to hear it, it's not like your parents were ignorant of some little known rule that applies only to musicians.  They'd have been just as rude to show the family vacation movie.  I don't see how it could possibly be considered a reflection on your professionalism.

[JoyinVirginia]

You are overthinking this. You gave them the CD, they can listen to where ever and when ever they want. They are being proud parents.
We have a very mobile society today, and it is not surprising to hear somebody knows somebody who went to a certain place or used to live next door to someone. People don't tend to mention this until these coincidences until something brings it up in conversation. For example, this week I was asked to sit in on session to discuss our program with person interviewing for a faculty position with university I work for. CV of person interviewing showed he graduated from university in China where a good friend is now teaching for a year. Later my coworker said "You never told me Your Good Friend was teaching in China". It just never came up in office conversation, and it was just a coincidence that the subject came up.
joy in Virginia

[Cellardoor14]

My husband is a professional musician, of sorts.
(He's had two albums produced, but he doesn't earn his keep via music.)

Anyway,

He's made TONS of various recordings over the years, most of which his parents still have.  I know they do play them for friends and families when asked. 

I also known that various musicians/composers will and do pass all kinds of tapes/cds to each other to listen and comment on.  (In fact, DH just gave a solicited recording to a movie music composer, whose a friend of a friend the other week.)

Mr Cellardoor and I don't think those situations or the one you described are unprofessional. 

Now of course, forcing someone to listen to something they obviously don't want to is just rude.

[Twik]

You've done nothing wrong, freaky.

And your parents? I don't think they've done anything wrong either, unless they kept the poor folks pinned for hours going "Now, let me replay that passage, so you can appreciate the clarity of her tone when she hits that high note. Isn't that BEAUTIFUL?"

Of course, my dad used to keep people pinned for hours listening to Jesse Norman, and she's not even a relative.

[ZipTheWonder]

They are proud of your accomplishments and shared your music with friends.  There is no more an etiquette violation here on their part (and certainly not on yours) than if they enjoyed Elton John and played his CD for friends.  

[kherbert05]

A couple of my cousins are jazz musicians. One gave my parents a CD. Dad had it in his car CD Player. He drove some members of the Jazz committee to lunch one day. Dad had forgotton what was in the CD player - if he even knew (Mom had put it in there). The members asked who it was, and Dad took out the CD changer to see which CD it was.

Dad was afraid they would think it was a set up. But they were just impressed and ended up hiring Cousin for one of the Cactus Jazz series concerts.

If you are worried that your parents might hurt your chances, explain to them how this can hurt you.

By the way - Good luck with McGill. Mom did her grad work in chemistry there.

[MineralDiva]

I think it was as you said, "proud parent syndrome."  And I wouldn't be too worried about it in the least. 

[Eryn]

I'm a Singer, and while I'd be embarrassed if my parents played a CD of my singing to friends, i certainly wouldn't view it as an etiquette violation... well, like another poster said, not unless they forced the friends to sit and listen to it "or else" 

[MerryRaven]

If you gave the CD as a gift, then they can play it for whoever they would want to.  It is theirs.

If you don't want them to share your music, don't give it to them.

I have friend who are muscians and I have shared their work because I want to let people know they are out their.  I might even tell friends that "so-and-so is performing with the symphony next Saturday and I can get you tickets."

Don't performers WANT people to hear and appreciate their work?  If not, why do they perform?