ARGH! Answering machine etiquette

[VorFemme]

Finally I had to resort to making a message that said, in a very twangy and goofy voice, "Hiiiiii.  I'm a answerin' machine in a private house.  This isn't Child Support," blah blah blah.  It sounds completely idiotic, but it gets their attention.  Instead of messages, now I get some hangups, but it has cut down on the problem significantly.

People do listen if the answering machine message is clearly meant to be funny.

I have left messages for someone with a Star Trek answering machine message ("please reopen hailing frequency *** ***-**** upon the crew's return to duty" - and I know that my boss was listening to me that day because he came over to rib me about watching too much Star Trek when I was growing up).  Since he was supposed to listen to each of us a couple of times a week - and I usually handled the internet contacts instead of the phone contacts - he probably listened to a lot higher percentage of MY phone calls than he did anyone else's!

I left one (over twenty years ago when we lived in Phoenix) that had "Monica, the answering machine" tell the caller that she was three years old and confiding that "they told me to answer the phone while they were busy" and giggling - I got a lot of phone calls from people telling friends to call and listen to the message.  I know because I walked in and picked up the phone a couple of times after work to be told "but so&so told me to call your number because you had the neatest message on your answering machine!"  I guess I do a good three year old...........

[VorFemme]

We lost a client because of answering machine etiquette once. At least, he might have become our client.

Week 1 - I get a message on my machine while at lunch, asking me to please call Sam at 555-555X. What's X? I can't hear it clearly. I listened repeatedly. I got other people to listen repeatedly. I tried substituting possible numbers for X, but nothing in our area code worked, or had a Sam there.

Week 2 - I get an annoyed-sounding message. "Hello, this is Sam. I left a message, and no one's called me back yet. If I don't hear from you soon, forget about my business." Notice something missing? No phone number at all this time.

If you're reading this, Sam, I'm sorry. I tried, I really did.

I used to work at an insurance desk that covered seven states.  Our voice mail specifically asked that we be left a name, phone number with area code, and a claim number (or accident date and the name or policy number of the person that we insured, if they didn't have the claim number).

I could not search a seven digit phone number - only the ten digit version with an area code.  I cannot tell you how many idjits called and mumbled their message into my voice mail while leaving ONLY the seven digit local number.  After all - the call was free (toll free 800 number) so I must be in their local area.......right?

Then I would get chewed out for not returning a call by someone who called back two weeks later............only to find out that they had misdialed *me* and were supposed to be talking to someone else entirely.  In one case, I got chewed out for not getting faxes from a lawyer about medical bills - when he was having them faxed THREE TIMES to an office a thousand miles west of the one I was sitting in.  I recognized the area code because my parents and in-laws lived in it..........

He was still quite upset that I wasn't able to pull those faxes out of my ear ANYWAY so that we could quit wasting time and get things sorted out.  But he had them faxed a fourth time to a machine in the next department (we were allowed to pass that number out in EMERGENCIES for faster contact - as the fax department generally too up to two work days to print something out and another day to deliver - the machines were that backed up with computers "holding" incoming messages.  No "cutting in line" with the fax department - unless you had the seperate number!

I gave him the number because a) it had been almost a month and b) once I got the faxes, the file went to another department for handling.  Which let me get rid of it..........by hook or by crook!

[Tabris]

He always rushes through his messages and either forgets to say his name, or rushes through the number so that it's hard to understand or something.

The polar opposite is my MIL, who is frightened to death of answering machines, and therefore what should have been:

Mr. Tabris? It's mom. Give me a call, okay? Your brother got a new job, and I don't like the things he told me about it.

becomes

Uh, hi, um, this is me, and I was just thinking, you know, after I spoke with Brother yesterday about that job, which I'm not sure he told you about, well it's got a six week training period where I think they pay him full time which is really nice because a lot of places don't pay you when you're doing training, but they want him to work second shift and he's going to be dealing with a lot of people who are, you know, angry or, you know, because it's debt collection, and even though they pay training, which he was really happy about, I'm not so sure it's the way for him to go because everyone he calls is going to be angry and lying to him and you know how Brother gets when people get angry at him, and I was thinking he wouldn't keep that job long and maybe he'd never get another job again and if he needed refBEEEEEEP!

On the rare occasions she actually calls, I just turn on the machine and barely listen until we get near to the end because you can never make hide nor tail of what she is saying anyhow. You might as well just hear it as "This is Mom--call me" because she's going to repeat the entire thing once you get her live anyhow.

[Virg]

I suppose my contribution to this thread will be my phone manner for leaving messages, in the hope that you fine folks can propagate it around to the delight of message takers everywhere.  Having spent a great deal of time in my business taking and making calls, I found a method that works quite nicely.  Quite simply:

"Hello, this is Virg (from company if business).  This message is for (target).  My number is XXXX.  (message, message, message).  Again, my number is XXXX.  I'll talk to you when you call."

Now, it seems quite ridiculous to leave my number with people I know well, but even though my mother knows my phone number she's identified a nearly unintelligible message (bad connection) just by the pattern, and my friends all delight in never having to look up my number to return a call.  It also helps when you're nervous about talking to a machine, since you can just parrot it off and hang up, with the message "call me back."

Now if only I could get callers to do this.  I can't tell you how many times I'll get messages like, "Virg, I got the information you wanted.  Call me back(click)."  Since the caller is male I can narrow it down to about fifty people I spoke to in the last few days, but having anything more would sure be nice.

Virg

[Slartibartfast]

Ooh, I wonder if the Brown Derbies' version of their answering machine messages is still around there somewhere . . . (the Brown Derbies are an a cappella singing group from Brown University).

To the tune of the "Big Red" gum commercial:

We'll be home a little later
We'll phone a little later
Call you back a little later
That's when we'll be home

When that BIG RED message light starts blinkin'
It makes us feel popular
So if you're thinkin'
That you want to hear our voices
Well you've got a couple choices
Call us back or leave a mes-saaaaage
At the tone!

They had a Mentos one too that I can't remember right now, but it was good also :-)

[Sleepingmediocre]

I second the opinion that people don't listen. 

My home phone number is one digit different than the Child Support Enforcement number.  I used to leave a message that said, "You have reached ***-****.  This is not Child Support.  That number is *#*-****.  Please hang up and redial.  If you would like to leave a message for HogwartsAlum, please do so after the beep and I will return your call."  No one listened.  They left messages for their caseworker, left their case number, and one lady even left her SS# on my machine! (I called her back and told her not to do that again and that I erased it.) Every day I would come home to messages that weren't for me.

Finally I had to resort to making a message that said, in a very twangy and goofy voice, "Hiiiiii.  I'm a answerin' machine in a private house.  This isn't Child Support," blah blah blah.  It sounds completely idiotic, but it gets their attention.  Instead of messages, now I get some hangups, but it has cut down on the problem significantly.

I used to have this exact same problem!  My phone number was one digit off the number for the post office, one digit off the number of a law office, and the exact same number that used to belong to a person named Billie Wallace.  In addition, I had a roommate who was stationed in Iraq for a year, and people who didn't know that were constantly calling for her...I would come home to ten or more messages on the machine, and none of them were for me!  I ended up having to record a message that said, "Hi, you have reached Sleepingmediocre at 555-1212.  If you are trying to call the post office, that number is 555-1213.  If you are trying to call Brown Law Office, that number is 555-2212.  If you are trying to call Billie Wallace, she no longer has this phone number.  I do not know where she is now or what her new number is.  If you are trying to call K, she is in the military and is currently deployed to Iraq.  If you're still here and you want to talk to ME, leave a message at the beep!"

[hobish]

Tabris, that is exactly how an aunt of mine is. My poor mom gets the brunt of it. Mom doesn't even have voice mail on her cell hone because Aunt uses up enough space on the land line already & would just leave the exact same 15 minute long messages on the cell, given a chance.

[Chartreuse]

Ooh, I wonder if the Brown Derbies' version of their answering machine messages is still around there somewhere . . . (the Brown Derbies are an a cappella singing group from Brown University).

To the tune of the "Big Red" gum commercial:

We'll be home a little later
We'll phone a little later
Call you back a little later
That's when we'll be home

When that BIG RED message light starts blinkin'
It makes us feel popular
So if you're thinkin'
That you want to hear our voices
Well you've got a couple choices
Call us back or leave a mes-saaaaage
At the tone!

They had a Mentos one too that I can't remember right now, but it was good also :-)

Reminds me of the singing message we had on our machine back in college.

"We're sorry we're not home right now.
We thank you for your call.
We are such merry people
we love you one and all.
Please leave your name and phone number
we'll call you back with luck.
But if you should hang up too soon
go take a flying...

BEEEEEEEP!"

We as roommates thought it was hilarious.  I think we had it up for about three days before we caved to parental complaints about good taste. 

And yes, the recording for this is still easily found online.  I wouldn't be surprised if the Brown Derbies' stuff is as well.   

[kareng57]

I suppose my contribution to this thread will be my phone manner for leaving messages, in the hope that you fine folks can propagate it around to the delight of message takers everywhere.  Having spent a great deal of time in my business taking and making calls, I found a method that works quite nicely.  Quite simply:

"Hello, this is Virg (from company if business).  This message is for (target).  My number is XXXX.  (message, message, message).  Again, my number is XXXX.  I'll talk to you when you call."

Now, it seems quite ridiculous to leave my number with people I know well, but even though my mother knows my phone number she's identified a nearly unintelligible message (bad connection) just by the pattern, and my friends all delight in never having to look up my number to return a call.  It also helps when you're nervous about talking to a machine, since you can just parrot it off and hang up, with the message "call me back."

Now if only I could get callers to do this.  I can't tell you how many times I'll get messages like, "Virg, I got the information you wanted.  Call me back(click)."  Since the caller is male I can narrow it down to about fifty people I spoke to in the last few days, but having anything more would sure be nice.

Virg

Well,I guess possibly it's quite flattering - obviously you give this person enough attention to make him feel that he's one of only a few customers!  But I get that too to some extent.  Even though my voice-mail clearly asks them to leave the name of their company and phone number including area code, I still get "hi, it's Sam, you called me, number's 555-1234".  When I call someone back I like to have their file right in front of me, but it's hard to trace in cases like these - often the number that they leave me is different than the one I called them on, so reverse-lookup doesn't always work.

Another thing I can't figure out is why so often home-based business (such as contractors) don't specify it on their voicemail.  Understandably it's not always feasible to have a business-only line, but you'd think they'd all say something like "you have reached Bob and Maureen, also Lakeside Excavating..." etc.  But when you just hear "this is Bob, please leave a message" you don't know whether the number has been reassigned, or what.  Then there are home-based businesses who seem to figure that it's good business-practice to let their toddlers answer the phone...

[kethria]

I had an ex boyfriend who could do voices BRILLIANTLY and would have a new message each week, Inspector Gadget, Professor Frink, Austin Powers, tons of voices... sometimes I would call just to get the machine...

[Gigi]

Our number is one digit different from the dog pound and one digit different from a dental office.  Our answering message is clearly *not* appropriate for either the pound or the dentist, but you'd be amazed at the number of hostile messages we get because we have not removed the dead coyote or called back to change an appointment.  They also don't leave a return phone number so we could politely tell them they had the wrong number.  People don't listen.  Occasionally I have answered the phone, assured the caller that they had not reached the pound and been asked "Are you sure, cause the phone book says this is the right number?"  Grrrrrrrr!

[Cyndi]

I hate it when people leave long, slow messages in excess of one minute and then say their number REALLY FAST at the end, which forces me to replay the whole stupid thing ten times to get the number down.

[Twik]

Cyndi - yes, that's annoying.

Sometimes I want to change my message to "Hello, this is Twik. Please leave your name, telephone number and a short message, and I'll get back to you. "Short" means not long. A couple of sentences. Really."

I had one customer call me once, ramble on for the full time they had, then call back and continue rambling on the next messge. They didn't leave their number until the tail end of the second message. I really don't have to listen to them pondering to themselves about whether the issue in question arose on Tuesday or Wednesday - I just need to get back to them.

[Venus193]

My voice records a lot like Lara Parker's and I can do her (in)famous laugh, so when I had an answering machine on my home phone I used to do this:

[opening "Collinwood" theme from Dark Shadows]:

You have reached XXX-XXXX.  I'm searching for a secret room at Collinwood and am unable to take your call.  If you wish to speak to me when I return you must leave your name, number, message, and something personal at the sound of the tone.  Please don't be afraid to leave a message; even I won't know you called if you don't.

[Angelique laugh, followed by the beep]

I changed it in 1992 when I was looking for a new job, just in case I had calls from prospective employers.   My headhunter had been a Dark Shadows fan and she was amused by the message, but understood my actions.

[HogwartsAlum]

I hate it when people leave long, slow messages in excess of one minute and then say their number REALLY FAST at the end, which forces me to replay the whole stupid thing ten times to get the number down.

Arrrggghhh I hate that too.  That happens at work on the general mailbox, and then I can't hear it, because the rest of my lines are ringing.  I try to do it like Virg said, tell my name and number and then repeat my number at the end.