Evening guest didn't want to leave

[Ki]

Synopsis (if you don't want to read the whole thing): Friend invited herself over, then resisted leaving when I asked her to.

Background: Friend calls Friday afternoon: "We don't want to go to the bar tonight, so how about we come over and play some games?  My BF will be home from work about 7, 7:30."  I say fine, expecting to see them about 8 or 8:30.  I'm simply ignoring that she's inviting herself and BF over - she doesn't have the capacity to entertain, so this is common for her.  At 8:30, my phone rings: "OK, BF's on his way here (to her place)".  Since this means they won't get to my place until 9:30 at the earliest, I ask if we can reschedule.  She says she was planning to meet up with my roommate on Sunday, so I say I'll join up with them then.  This works out better in my head anyway, since my roommate has a later sleep schedule and can continue to entertain them after I and DBF go to bed.

Sunday: 3:30, my roommate is getting ready to leave for a different social engagement when she calls him to firm up plans.  He says he's on his way out the door, probably back a little after 8 though it might be later, but I'm here.  She then calls me, saying she's on her way and her BF is leaving (so will be there in an hour).  They arrive, we start playing some games.  Around 7, DBF begins preparing dinner.  I invite them to eat, which they do - dinner ends about 8.  From 8 to 8:30, she's on the phone with a different friend. 

At 8:30, she says, "more games?"  I state that I'm sorry, but I'm a little tired and still have stuff to do around the house before bed - and I have to be at work in the morning.  Roommate isn't home yet.  She then calls my roommate to see when he'll be back - he answers about 10:30.

Here's the fun part: Her response?  "Well, we can wait here for him and entertain ourselves while you do your chores...unless we're being kiiiicked ouuuuuuuut....." (in a super-sugary voice)
Me: Well, one thing I have to do tonight is go out to the store.
Her: We could stay here while you're gone.  I have a key (roommate gave it), I don't know why you wouldn't truuuuust me.
Me: I'm just not comfortable with people being in my apartment while none of the occupants is home.  It's not just you, it's everybody.  If you want to wait in the area for my roommate, there's a coffee shop and a bar/restaurant on the next street.

Finally, she and BF collected their coats and left.  Was I in the wrong at all here?  What could I do in the future to make this kind of thing go more smoothly? 

I should point out that my roommate has guests, including her, constantly and until all hours, so our mutual friends have come to expect to be entertained into the wee hours (by him) when they come over.  This is usually fine with me, as it's him who entertains them, and I can observe my normal bedtime routine.  However, I don't think I'm wrong to set my own hours when it's me and not him who's entertaining the guests.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think you were perfectly fine.

[Chocolate Cake]

You did just fine.  My only suggestion is to set a time limit to the gatherings when it's being arranged.  For example, "Sunday from 4:00 until 8:00 would be great.  If 8:00 is too early to end the evening, why don't we schedule next Saturday.  Then, we can do stuff together until 10:00."

[FolkRockFan]

Next time the couple protests your subtle attempts to make them go home, hand them both the appropriate cleaning supplies and announce that your shower curtain has a horrifying case of mildew that you just can't cure.

If they don't grab their stuff and exit post haste after hearing this announcement (which you should make in a super sugary voice, of course), consider that an invitation to let them clean up the entire place.

[Sterling]

I had the same problem last night.  My BF has this friend that we don't really make plans with often because once you speak to him its weeks before you can go more than an hour with out him calling.  He is really clingy.  He called yesterday and said he wanted to come over and play the new Nietindo Wii my BF bought.  I was irritated but told BF it was ok.  Then the guy stated he he would come over at 5 pm.  I asked BF to ask him to come later because I was thawing out dinner and there wasn't going to be enough for all of us.  He finally came over at 8 pm.  Walked straight to the fridge and started digging around. 

I finished my landry and homework, showered and went to bed at 11:30.  (I don't consider this rude because he was not my guest and doesn't really speak to me even when he is in my home.)  Sometime after 2 am BF came to bed.  This morning my kitchen was a mess.  Dirty glasses and plates everywhere even on the living room floor.  Turns out Bf has been trying to get the guy to leave when i went to bed but it was 2am before he finally left even though he knows BF had to work this morning at 8 am. 

He also helped himself to things in the fridge (ignoring the food I laid out for the guys to snack on) and made a mess.  I am angry at him for not leaving when repeatedly told it was late and I am mad at BF for not being firmer with him.  I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up fter his guest and next time don't feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick.

Edit to correct some spelling mistakes.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up fter his guest and next time don;t feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick.

hehe - I had a good chuckle at this one Sterling...

[Ki]

I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up fter his guest and next time don;t feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick.

Yipes!  Poor kitty! 

Thanks a lot for the advice and back-up!  I'm historically a doormat, and so is my roommate.  I'm trying to become more assertive, but I feel awful telling anyone "no" even if I *know* I'm well within my rights to do so.  This board is really helping!

[MsEva]

I think that the biggest problem is that most people don't want to be direct with guests that will not take a hint. DH's nephew came once to visit and wouldn't get the hint. DH upped and said goodnight and went to bed around midnight leaving me to entertain his nephew. Finally, at about 3AM, I nephew he had to leave as I couldn't stay awake any longer.

I chewed out DH the next day about leaving me hanging with his family. DH said that he didn't want to hurt nephews feelings so he figured I could stay up and entertain since I didn't have to work the next morning. (some days it amazes me that DH is still alive) I made sure that I got my point across that from that moment on I would not hesitate to tell anyone what I was expecting of them if they were in my home. DH takes care of his family now 

[kiero]

Just out of interest - if she has a key, doesn't that mean that she could let herself in anytime?

So - I guess I see her side about staying there while you went shopping.  She could have left and come back as soon as you were out the door.  If you don't feel comfortable withp people being in your space when the apparment is empty - then no one else should have keys. 

[Virg]

Sterling wrote:

"I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up fter his guest and next time don;t feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick."

Please, please tell me that the cat is named "Salsa", not that he tried to feed a cat the southwestern condiment.  Egad.  That cat will be coughing up flaming hairballs after such a diet.

I have a number of friends that I visit and that visit me until very late, and I set a standard the first time I visited many of them, which serves everyone well and which has gotten me a bunch of compliments.  I tell my friends that I won't normally think to leave until I'm told to, but at the same time I promise no offense at all at being asked to leave, so any time they want me out, even if I'm just arriving, they need only ask and I go.  The upshot of telling this is that I also reverse it by telling guests (politely, of course) as they arrive that I'll be tossing them out at X hour (assuming I need to toss them out for whatever reason).  That way, when X hour arrives they're usually reasy to go, and if they aren't then they can't fault me for actually tossing them out.

Virg

[Ki]

Just out of interest - if she has a key, doesn't that mean that she could let herself in anytime?

So - I guess I see her side about staying there while you went shopping.  She could have left and come back as soon as you were out the door.  If you don't feel comfortable withp people being in your space when the apparment is empty - then no one else should have keys. 

Yes, she can let herself in and out at any time - though if she pulls that, I'll be asking for her key back.  I like a couple of my friends to have spare keys in case of emergencies.  In her case, it was my roommate who offered her the key, and apparently didn't inform her that it was in case we needed someone to be able to get in in an emergency situation.  I'm not even quite sure he got it - since she visits him a few times a week, they both seem to think it's easier for her to use her key all the time instead of ringing the buzzer to our locked building, which requires him to actually get up from a chair and walk across the living room. 

The emergency keys have come in handy a couple times - the other non-resident with a key (there are only 2 of which I'm aware) has used it a couple times when I needed her to, but she still won't enter with it in general, as she understands my attitude towards domestic privacy. 

[VorFemme]

He also helped himself to things in the fridge (ignoring the food I laid out for the guys to snake on) and made a mess.  I am angry at him for not leaving when repeatedly told it was late and I am mad at BF for not being firmer with him.  I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up fter his guest and next time don't feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick.

Now I am picturing the idjit crawling around the kitchen and swallowing things whole - leaving with several lumps in his body (like a snake with a belly full of rodent) when the BF finally gets him to leave.  I hope that he didn't swallow any of the dishes or spoons!

Sometimes the word picture may be unintentional but so apt that you have to appreciate it!  Thanks for the laugh - this one had me snickering.........

I do think that the idea of stating "we need to get up early in the morning for _____________(work, school, etc.), so we will have to ask you to leave at X o'clock" is a good idea.   And handing the ones who want to stick around WHILE you clean house a toilet brush and duster isn't a bad idea, either.  If all else fails - the place gets cleaned up faster and you can still look at your watch and exclaim that they need to leave now, you had no idea it was so late, they will need to get home and get some sleep themselves!  This does assume that their cleaning skills are acceptable at a minimal level.

I have found that not everyone knows what to do when handed a toilet brush and a bottle of cheap shampoo (gets the ring around the tub off without scratching the finish - shampoo breaks down body oils in the soap scum).  If they are NOT Merry Maids material - tell them that you could not possibly ask them to stay in a place that needs cleaning and still shove them out the door..........getting rid of guests overdue to leave is de-cluttering, too!

[MineralDiva]

<<<"Well, we can wait here for him and entertain ourselves while you do your chores...unless we're being kiiiicked ouuuuuuuut....." (in a super-sugary voice)>>>

Response (in equally sugary fashion):  "Well as a matter of fact, you are!  G'nite!"

[artk2002]

Here's the fun part: Her response?  "Well, we can wait here for him and entertain ourselves while you do your chores...unless we're being kiiiicked ouuuuuuuut....." (in a super-sugary voice)

The politest response to this would be: "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible."

The smarmy voice, though, would reduce the politeness a bit to: "Yup, you are.  Here's your coat.  See you later!"

[blue2000]

Sterling wrote:

"I also informed BF that HE will be cleaning up after his guest and next time don;t feed the cat Salsa, it makes him sick."

Please, please tell me that the cat is named "Salsa", not that he tried to feed a cat the southwestern condiment.  Egad.  That cat will be coughing up flaming hairballs after such a diet.

Virg

Maybe in that case she should rename the cat Godzilla.

To the OP: How about "Gee, it's been nice seeing you, but we have to go to bed/run errands/do chores now. How about lunch/dinner/cards next week? When are you free?"
Idiot: We don't mind waiting till you are through with errands...
You: Nope, sorry, it's getting late. So what about lunch? Are you free next week?
If you know they are going to be stubborn, stand by the door with their coats while you say this. Open the door and walk out on the porch, or in the hall, if you have to. I wouldn't even get into a discussion of your exact bedtime, or what errands you have - people like this will argue and stall until you could just scream.