Advice etiquette

[Lisbeth]

Given that part of our purpose is to advise each other on topics of etiquette (and general life) when we ask for it, are there ways and means of giving it, and specific advice, that seems to be more successful than others?  What's the most successful for you/least successful (in a nonprofessional counseling situation)?

In my case:

1) If something's going wrong in my life, I'd like to hear acknowledgement that something is wrong *before* I'm given advice.  My mother is absolutely terrible about this-she jumps right in with advice that often isn't practical for the situation.

2) I tend not to want a lot of analysis unless I ask for it-just the facts, please.

3) Dismissive attitudes, such as "get over it," are not helpful if they're expressed too bluntly.  Even if they're justified (and I won't deny that sometimes that's the case with me), please be more subtle.

4) Whatever you do, do not at any time tell me to "give a big smile."  I find this very, very condescending and unhelpful.  I'm not that much of a smiler to begin with, even when I'm in a good mood.

5) Keep it private.  The whole world doesn't have to know that I have a problem if I haven't announced it.

[MineralDiva]

I agree.  People appreciate some validation of their feelings, by the person they're venting to, before attempting to go in and give advice about something that's bothering them.

And I think that knowing when to say nothing at all, is also a valuable skill to cultivate for the "ventees."

[Emmy]

I agree with what much of the other poster has said.

1.  I agree, I like to hear there is something wrong.  Even if the person talking to can't understand exactly what I'm going through or can't relate to my feelings, I want them to realize the problem is difficult and painful for me.  In a bad relationship, I've been told to 'just leave' and people fail to realize and understand the difficulty and even the guilt of abandoing somebody who you feel needs you.  When I tried to tell them about why it was so difficult, it felt like they didn't try to understand.  I finally had to find a consouler who helped me deal with the guilt of ending a bad relationship and 'abandoning' the person.

2.  Do NOT be judgemental.  If I am confiding in a person with my deep feelings, I don't want to be called 'selfish', 'petty' or anything else.  Chances are I know I am being selfish in certain areas, but I came for encouragement and advice, not a bashing.

3.  Sometimes I just like people to listen and understand.  There isn't a practical solution for every problem.

[Bijou]

Given that part of our purpose is to advise each other on topics of etiquette (and general life) when we ask for it, are there ways and means of giving it, and specific advice, that seems to be more successful than others?  What's the most successful for you/least successful (in a nonprofessional counseling situation)?

In my case:

1) If something's going wrong in my life, I'd like to hear acknowledgement that something is wrong *before* I'm given advice.  My mother is absolutely terrible about this-she jumps right in with advice that often isn't practical for the situation.

2) I tend not to want a lot of analysis unless I ask for it-just the facts, please.

3) Dismissive attitudes, such as "get over it," are not helpful if they're expressed too bluntly.  Even if they're justified (and I won't deny that sometimes that's the case with me), please be more subtle.

4) Whatever you do, do not at any time tell me to "give a big smile."  I find this very, very condescending and unhelpful.  I'm not that much of a smiler to begin with, even when I'm in a good mood.

5) Keep it private.  The whole world doesn't have to know that I have a problem if I haven't announced it.

Even if you think I am making a mountain out of a molehill, at least realize  my perception is that it is a mountain, and treat that with respect.
Don't tell me to "get over it!"  That doesn't help, and if I came to you in good faith and with trust, it really alienates me from you.
If you don't want to deal with advising me, please just say so, but please be gentle.  Such as, 'I don't feel that I can advise you  on this, but I hope you can resolve it.'
If I keep repeating the same issue to you and you have already advised me, tell me that we've talked about it before and that you have no further help to offer, but in a nice way.
Respect that I have confided in you and keep the information to yourself.
Sometimes I just need someone to listen or to act as a sounding board.  If it isn't clear what I need from you, please feel free to ask.

Edited to make it more clear and only what I need when asking for advise.

[Slartibartfast]

I've vented on this here before, but:

If I post

"I have a patron in my library who throws screaming fits when I won't let him print pornography off the Internet for free and it's driving me nuts!"

don't tell me

"Well maybe he has Tourettes!  Maybe someone is threatening to kill him if he doesn't bring them a page of porn!  Maybe he's an Arabian oil sheikh's son and he got kidnapped and left in rural Alabama without $0.15 to print off the picture that may LOOK like pornography but is really the secret document that exonerates his imprisoned father!"

Err, maybe, but probably he is being RUDE and I want advice that takes this into consideration.  I've seen this mostly when a poster sees someone doing something blatantly rude and the response is "Maybe they have this obscure hidden disability!"  I can understand that we should take this into consideration sometimes, but it doesn't help the poster deal with the 99% of the time the person was, in fact, being rude.

[EvilAlice]

I tend to be more analytical than emotional, and my advice tends to be given that way, since it's what works best for me on the receiving end.

Like, I usually walk people through scenarios when they are wanting advice:  What if you did X, what would happen?  Now, what if you did Y instead? Or, what if you do nothing?

It's not that I think they haven't thought this out, but sometimes it helps ME when making a decision to talk through it again, and it seems to help other people evaluate their choices.

The "advice" I hate most is when people mistake me complaining with me asking for advice.  Sometimes you just want to vent and I get so irritated at

Me:  I hate getting up so early
Them:  Go to bed earlier!

Me:  My computer is a piece of junk
Them:  Next time, buy this model!  The exact same one as mine!  It's the greatest!

Me:  I'm exhausted
Them:  If you worked out for an hour every day and went on Amazing Wonder Diet, you would feel great!

If I'm whining, sure, shut me up.  I hate whining too.  But isn't anyone allowed to just complain a little anymore?

[CutebutPsycho]

If I'm whining, sure, shut me up.  I hate whining too.  But isn't anyone allowed to just complain a little anymore?

I couldn't agree more! And will add:

If you feel I am overreacting, please (gently) tell me so. Bonus points if you can explain why!

Even more important to me - if you feel that I am in the wrong AND overreacting, please TELL ME! I will appreciate hearing it (once again, gently please) from a friend or someone in whom I feel comfortable confiding. And you just might keep me from shooting myself in the foot!

[MerryRaven]

Oh, I am so not good at this sort of thing.

I tend to treat people as I would wish to be treated.  Which is a good thing in most cases.

I prefer to be told I am over-reacting and to get over it if that is the case. 

I am not a cuddly sort of person. 

If someone says "My boyfriend gets drunk alot and I think he is seeing other women.
"I want to say, "Well then dump the loser.  Why are you wasting time on him." 

Then the person will say, "...but I LOVE him."

So my tendency is to say, "Well I guess you just have to accept that your boyfriend is a drunk who chases women and learn to live with it."   

As far as I can see that is the choice.  Dump him or accept him.  Because you ain't gonna change him.

I know that is not appreciated.  People learn not to come to me for advice unless they want blunt honesty.

However, to be fair, I don't want to be mollycoddled.  So if I ask someone advice and they tell me to get real and get over it, I accept that as a fair opinion of the matter.

I wanted to edit this to add that since my DH is a professional counselor, I usually defer to him in matters of this sort and keep my mouth shut.

[CutebutPsycho]

MerryRaven, I would appreciate receiving your type of advice. It might take me a few hours or a day to appreciate it, but I know I would love you for being bluntly honest once I got over the sting. 

[housewife2k]

If I come to you for advice, please advise on what I came to you for. If I ask about a discipline problem with my kids, don't tell me to lose weight, or to clean my house. Don't decide that since I asked something about Hubby you can then lecture me for fifteen minutes about something he did five years ago that upset you.

Please, be honest. If I ask your advice on n outfit, tell me what you think, NOT what you think I want to hear.

Let me know if I am overreacting or being unrational. I am not always aware of these two things.

Do not give me unsolicited advice. Period.

If I ask about something delicate, personal, or embarassing, please don't laugh.

[Lisbeth]

Oh, I am so not good at this sort of thing.

I tend to treat people as I would wish to be treated.  Which is a good thing in most cases.

I prefer to be told I am over-reacting and to get over it if that is the case. 

I am not a cuddly sort of person. 

If someone says "My boyfriend gets drunk alot and I think he is seeing other women.
"I want to say, "Well then dump the loser.  Why are you wasting time on him." 

Then the person will say, "...but I LOVE him."

So my tendency is to say, "Well I guess you just have to accept that your boyfriend is a drunk who chases women and learn to live with it."   

As far as I can see that is the choice.  Dump him or accept him.  Because you ain't gonna change him.

I know that is not appreciated.  People learn not to come to me for advice unless they want blunt honesty.

However, to be fair, I don't want to be mollycoddled.  So if I ask someone advice and they tell me to get real and get over it, I accept that as a fair opinion of the matter.

I wanted to edit this to add that since my DH is a professional counselor, I usually defer to him in matters of this sort and keep my mouth shut.

This kind of "advice" can do more damage than the original problem.  I think you'd better warn people about it in advance if they ask you for help.  I certainly don't want to be told "Get real" or "Get over it" by anyone.

[Cyndi]

When I give advice I tend to tell the person what I myself would do in a situation.

I personally hate it when I ask for advice and get a lecture about why my method of going about X is wrong.

I hate asking for advice period, I prefer trying to figure things out for myself.

[MerryRaven]

KeenReader
Well the people who know me and love me anyhow already know that. 

If it is work and people want to tell me their personal problems that is a different situation. I can be supportive without being involved and direct people to the proper place to get assistance.  As a supervisor it is not healthy for me to get caught up in someone's personal drama anyway.

In personal instances I have learned to keep my mouth shut and let my DH the counselor deal with it.
I just tell people he is better at advice than I am.

[MadMadge43]

I think if you are actually asking for advice you need to listen to what they have to say, no matter how they say it. If you don't like their type of advice then don't ask them again.

Be sure you really are looking for advice and not just venting. If you are covering up a vent with a pretend "I need advice", you are going to get annoyed when you actually get the advice. And the listener is going to get annoyed because you really don't want what you've asked for.

I think if you just want a sounding board you should say, "I'm not really looking for advice I just need to get this off my chest". If the person then offers unwarranted advice, don't vent to them again.

[Lisbeth]

KeenReader
Well the people who know me and love me anyhow already know that. 

If it is work and people want to tell me their personal problems that is a different situation. I can be supportive without being involved and direct people to the proper place to get assistance.  As a supervisor it is not healthy for me to get caught up in someone's personal drama anyway.

In personal instances I have learned to keep my mouth shut and let my DH the counselor deal with it.
I just tell people he is better at advice than I am.

You probably handle it reasonably then as long as you don't actually say the kinds of things you indicate you want to say.

When people ask me for advice, there are times when I feel like saying those kinds of things to them, but I've been on the receiving end of that kind of "advice" too many times to know that it's ineffective and ultimately alienates the person you are advising.