Advice etiquette

[MerryRaven]

Let's put it this way.  My DH, my Children, my friends only ask my advice when they want perfectly blunt and totally honest.

I don't ever volunteer advice to them or anyone else. 

Except on line of course where everything is totally annonymous. 

And believe me I am really toned down on line from what I was about 4 years ago when I first started going on forums and things. 

[goblue2539]

I've found asking questions to be a great way of giving advice. 

Do you want me to answer that, or did you just need to say it?
You love him?  Can you tell me why? What do you love about him?
I feel I have to say something you might not like.  Are you prepared to hear it?
Have you considered trying this? 
Have you already tried everything else we've talked about?

If the answer to that last one is No, I end the conversation right then and there.  I don't mind being a friend and giving advice when it's asked for.  But, don't waste my time and yours by asking my opinion on something when I've already given it to you and you didn't like it the first five times.  The answer hasn't changed. 

One thing I've learned here is that if I'm going to open the door for someone to give me advice, I'd darn well better brace myself for the fact that I might hear things I don't like.  Even things about myself that I don't like. 

[MerryRaven]

Absoulutely well expressed goblue2539

[goblue2539]

Absoulutely well expressed goblue2539

Thank you!  Two in one day, and on a day when I really needed a boost too.  I just had to tell you that it means a lot to me when I see someone think that well of what I said.  Thank you so much.

[Lisbeth]

Well, I'll make one general suggestion for advisers:

Know thy advisee.

For example, if you know that the person will be put off with wording as blunt as "get over it," stay away from that wording-even if they need that kind of advice.  Rather, rephrase this so that you're giving this advice in a less harsh way, as in "I realize that this is hurting you, but I think the best way to handle it is to try something else/change jobs/look forward/etc."

Of course, if you know that the person will appreciate really blunt, in-your-face advice, that's another story.

[goblue2539]

For example, if you know that the person will be put off with wording as blunt as "get over it," stay away from that wording-even if they need that kind of advice.  Rather, rephrase this so that you're giving this advice in a less harsh way, as in "I realize that this is hurting you, but I think the best way to handle it is to try something else/change jobs/look forward/etc."

Of course, if you know that the person will appreciate really blunt, in-your-face advice, that's another story.

Very very very true.  I've quite often found myself softening my statement to make sure I get the point across.  As in, "I know you're hurt right now, and I wish I could make it better.  The only thing I know that will help is to keep going on with your life and let time do it's work."  Much longer, but in some cases much more effective.