When does 'keeping up with the Joneses' become stalkerish?

[kingsrings]

We had a neighbor who did this too constantly when I was growing up. When my family decided to host an exchange student, guess what they decided on, too? Despite the copy-catting, that one actually worked out pretty well because the two students became good friends and had the same social circle. When Pac-Man finally came out on Atari it was a huge deal, and they raced all over town to buy it at first notice just so that they could be the first people in the neighborhood to have Pac-Man. When I attended a charm school, her daughter signed up a semester after me. And so on, and so on. I don't know what it is with people like this or why they feel the need to compete.

Advice-wise, I second everyone else's suggestions for Tammy to simply stop sharing so much info with Cheryl, and to not let Cheryl come to the house so she won't rifle through any papers. That should nip it in the bud.

[girlmusic]

I had one of these. It started in high school - she copied everything I did. I started wearing my dad's Army jacket, she went and bought one. She started getting crushes on my boyfriends.

Then in college I ran into her and she thought I liked a guy who was just my buddy and she started hanging around his room, telling him she liked him, etc.

At our 10 year high school reunion I introduced her to my fiance (now DH) and she flirted with him, wanted to dance with him, etc. This is after she told us she was a lesbian and was engaged.

Everything she tried to copy me on she did badly. Her clothes were a cheaper, less flattering version of mine. Her crushes were never returned. She was extremely unattractive on the inside and did nothing to help herself with that (no one likes someone who whines all the time). It is actually quite sad - I really hope she has gotten over it and developed her own identity.

[LuckyDucky]

RedNut's best mate has the potential to turn into one of these people.

He has the biggest, best and most expensive of everything, and is constantly bringing up how much better his "X" is to our "X".  We just smile politely and change the subject (although now i am tempted to say "how nice"  )

RedNut is just waiting to see what happens when he finishes his degree.  Will BM go to Uni to get one too? Or will the battle for "king of the mountain" fall flat?

[blue2000]

RedNut is just waiting to see what happens when he finishes his degree.  Will BM go to Uni to get one too? Or will the battle for "king of the mountain" fall flat?

He will probably find something else to top it with (You have a degree, but I still have a better job, etc. Your degree isn't worth much is it?). If he can't find anything, and he can't go to Uni, he will probably change the subject (or sulk, lol) every time it comes up.

[Rei-chan]

My Dad tried this with one of our old neighbors:  over Christmas lights.  With our across the street neighbors.

(In my best Estelle Getty voice)  Picture it, Oak Ridge Estates, 1980-sometime.  The neighbors have simple, pretty decorations on the eaves of their house.  Dad puts up his treasured Moravian Star, and some garland all over the porch. 

The next year:  Neighbors extend pretty lights to driveway, and in the trees in the front yard.  Dad's response is to fashion "icicles" out of white lights to hang from porch with Moravian Star, garlands, and new big red velvet bows.

Third year:  Dad gets new saw of some kind for early gift.  Proceeds to fashion "reindeer" and "lattice work Christmas trees" to stand all over the yard, in addition to the last years' stuff.  Neighbors add so much light that no one in the house can sleep for the brightness. 

It stopped after that because my Mom and I put our collective feet down.  Dad was waaaaay too into it.  

Edited to fix a couple of typos.....

[LuckyDucky]

Blue, I have a feeling that the sulking option is the most likely.  BM is already starting to show resentment at the type of job RedNut has (he is an architect in a large international firm, while BM is a storeman for an electrical supplies company).  At the moment while RN is getting student wages (i.e. peanuts) it's all ok because BM is earning more.

It isn't limited to material things either.  It's starting to spill over into home reno advice.  BM will be doing something to his house, RedNut will ask him about it and give him some professional advice. BM will shrug it off, saying "Oh, I've done it this way and it's much better"  Umm, ok because architects have NO idea what they are talking about....

They have been besties since they were 12, so I hope the friendship will last depite BM's obsession with being the best.

PS:The Christmas lights post is hilarious!  It's like the plot of a movie.

[thebadchemist]

She was extremely unattractive on the inside and did nothing to help herself with that (no one likes someone who whines all the time). It is actually quite sad - I really hope she has gotten over it and developed her own identity.

Yup, my ex-best friend was exactly like that. Unfortunately, she hasn't really gotten over it or developed her own identity. The funniest thing was when I saw her after our friendship ended (I had to interact with her for a year after that), she was more open about the copying. She would ask me about everything I had, from my bag to my iPod, then show up the next day with one.

I still hear about her from time to time through a mutual friend. She's not happy... not because of uncontrollable circumstances, but because of very controllable circumstances. I don't feel bad for her, since she does it to herself. She was definitely one of those friends that expected you to make them happy and never understood that no one has the power to MAKE anyone happy.

[Vivitop]

Tell her that you're planning to redecorate your living room with a theme like "in the jungle" and watch her go crazy trying to redecorate before you...

V.

[caranfin]

A lot of posters have suggested Cheryl simply cut off the supply of information, but that's not going to work if the kids are friends (trust me, the kids are *not* going to keep quiet about their upcoming vacation to Disneyworld). I, personally, like the idea of leaving brochures for expensive cars and European vacations strategically placed through the house. If Tammy buys something she can't afford, it's not Cheryl's fault, so she has no reason to feel guilty. I also like the idea of showing Tammy her new X and then saying "I guess you're going to run out right now and buy one, aren't you?" Or when she comes over to show off her new X, laugh and say "Oh, I just won a bet! I told DH you'd buy one less than a week after you found out I had one!"

[DaeOne]

I had this problem, only once, with a "friend". Whatever I did, she did. Drove me crazy! It peaked when DH bought me a new piece of something I collect. "Friend" ran out and bought the whole collection, at once, paying much higher prices then we ever did. (We'd been collecting this item for over ten years at that point, and had only known friend for a year.)

I was put in a position to influence where "friend" and her family lived, and I used it to recommend they be sent across the country. (It was time for them to move anyway, so why not?) They moved, we waved goodbye, and I've never looked back since. I don't know if "friend" ever figured anything out, I truly don't care.

Now, with all my other friends, it's okay to share what we've got, done, etc. We don't try to one-up each other, we share how the kidlets are doing, etc. They've got their style, I've got mine.

I think that's part of Cheryl's problem. She has no style, no sense of self-worth. Such a pity.

[alohomora]

I used to have a friend that was similar to Cheryl.  She wasn't quite as bad with the one-upping, but she was big on making sure she had exactly what I had.  If I bought a cool purse, she would have the same one a few weeks later.  Clothing, friends, love interests--nothing was off limits for her.  If I had it, she wanted it.  That is exactly the reason why we are no longer friends.

I've found that people like that don't seem to understand that though they live their lives in a constant contest, there are those of us who don't wish to be competitive.  This woman Cheryl seems to have taken this need to compete to a whole different level.  Hopefully your friend Tammy can find a way to get a bit of distance from her.  Cheryl is a frighteningly insecure woman who needs to get a grip.  I wonder how her family feels about the constant competition, though.

[kingsrings]

One thing I kind of have to object to about 'copying' someone is this one incident that happened to me. A friend and I were shopping at a mall and she came across a cute pair of shoes at a shoe store that she wanted to buy. I liked them as well, and they would look really good on me. So I mentioned this and that perhaps I'd buy them, too. She got all snarky with me over it, like I was doing something wrong. I wasn't doing it to copy her, I just happened to like the same kind of shoes. I really don't think that she should get some kind of ownership over them. So what if they're the same and we both own them? As long as I didn't do that to her constantly, then it shouldn't be a problem.