Is there anything I can do about this?

[Ko-Ko]

I was wondering if I can do anything about this situation. I have a friend, Diana who is a freshman. She is also one of those innocent types who always believes the best about everyone. We are in a class with a guy, Damien. Damien is seriously one of the worst people I have ever met. He picks fights for no reason, he curses at people, he's a racist, practically a Nazi, and who knows what else. Basically, the guy is one big waste of oxygen. Anyway, he and Diana began talking during class, and Diana bagan thinking of him as her friend. I made the mistake of not telling Diana about Damien, figuring that it wouldn't go any further than that. Now, imagine my surprise when she tells me that she is going on a date with him!  I know she can make her own decisions, but she really is very naive, and she is only fourteen, and Damien is my age, therefore too old. Since then, he has also been acting disgustingly nice towards me too. This is definitely an act, as he has hated me ever since my best friend beat him up while I watched, and then I lied about it when he went to the principal. (he deserved it) As I said, Damien is not to be trusted, and I am afraid Diana won't be able to figure it out for herself since she is so trusting. I know I need to tell her, but she is so happy! So basically what I want to know is, how can you tell somebody that their boyfriend is a piece of filth who should be kept away from decent people while causing as little damage as possible? 
Thanks for reading.

Ko-Ko

[*Lulu*]

You can tell her, but I don't know how much good it will do. She might appreciate it and dump him right away, or she might say you're jealous, you don't know the "real him" and that she can do whatever she wants.

It might be best to suggest that you don't feel he's right for her and then sit back and let her judge for herself. If you're going to point out the racist behavior, have specific examples, preferably ones she has witnessed.

But be prepared for it to do nothing.

[Chocolate Cake]

People need experiences like this to be able to develop the lifeskill of recognizing good from bad choices.   This will be a learning experience for her and it will be painful if she invests too much of her heart into it before she figures out what is what.   However, that doesn't mean she shouldn't get the chance to gain skills from this experience so she'll know where to place her trust and where not to.

To help protect her, though, you can and should advise her that she should only see Damien on a group date since being alone with him is: a) it's not a good idea at her age anyway; and b) you are aware that he likes to solve issues physically if someone upsets him or if he feels that he's being rejected.  This may require that you put your money where your mouth is and arrange a double or triple date situation.

And, encourage her to ask him lots of questions so to elicit his opinion.   Then, she can see for herself his racist, anti-semitic tendencies, and poor language.  He won't be able to hide this side of himself for long.

[Ko-Ko]

You can tell her, but I don't know how much good it will do. She might appreciate it and dump him right away, or she might say you're jealous, you don't know the "real him" and that she can do whatever she wants.

It might be best to suggest that you don't feel he's right for her and then sit back and let her judge for herself. If you're going to point out the racist behavior, have specific examples, preferably ones she has witnessed.

But be prepared for it to do nothing.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. And I don't think she has witnessed anything like that. Damien is the sort of person who is a terror to people he hates, but an absolute sweetie to people he is trying to impress. In other words, a psychopath in the making. 

Ko-Ko

[Ko-Ko]

To help protect her, though, you can and should advise her that she should only see Damien on a group date since being alone with him is: a) it's not a good idea at her age anyway; and b) you are aware that he likes to solve issues physically if someone upsets him or if he feels that he's being rejected.  This may require that you put your money where your mouth is and arrange a double or triple date situation.

And, encourage her to ask him lots of questions so to elicit his opinion.   Then, she can see for herself his racist, anti-semitic tendencies, and poor language.  He won't be able to hide this side of himself for long.

I guess it can't hurt to try a group date. Though I'm not sure if Damien would go for it. And if he doesn't like it, Diana probably will want to go with him. Any friends I ask probably won't like it either, but they'd probably do it for Diana, as unlike Damien, my friends have souls. I'm just worried that it will take her a long time to see what he is really like, as he can be charming when he wants to. Even I was fooled for a while, until he found out I was Jewish and started making remarks towards me. So I can either decide to just tell her the truth directly, or try the group date. Anything is better than Diana going out alone with Satan and Hitler's mutant demon offspring. 

Ko-Ko

[Lisbeth]

Unfortunately, this is one situation I think you have to let Diana deal with for herself.

I'd just let her know that you are available to talk to her if she ever needs your help about Damien.

[jfulle5]

Ok I'm in my twenties but are 14 year olds suppose to date? How old is he? I think her parents should meet him and hopefully they can see that he's a piece. or you could mention it them. If they ask you about him then tell them the truth. I dunno but honesty is the best policy. You could always pull her aside and give her the "look I have to tell you something" conversation. Hope this helps!!

[Gyro Widget]

I agree with the whole group date idea, if the guy is really that bad, your friend will eventually see through it. 

"This is definitely an act, as he has hated me ever since my best friend beat him up while I watched, and then I lied about it when he went to the principal. (he deserved it)"

I know that this is not the matter at hand, but it was mentioned and this statement worried me a little.  Schoolyard bullying is still bullying even if the victim is racist or whatnot.  Lying to a person in authority is not a good idea either.  This boy is still a human being and sharing your views on other cultures, religions, and beliefs in a serious discussion with him will do more good than beating him.   

I'm sure the proper etiquette of such a situation would be to talk things through rather than lash out physically, and to seek out help if you witness such abuse. 

[Slartibartfast]

I'm sorry to say it, but there's a 99% chance that your well-meaning advice will do nothing, and about a 50% chance your advice will make Diana stop telling you about any issues she has with him, just so she can prove she was right that he is a nice guy after all.

If you're really worried there will be lasting damage, give her one oblique warning ("Well he started hating me when he found out I was Jewish, so just keep your head on straight - I don't think he's the right person for you.").  Then stay available, and hopefully if she sees any warning signs that he isn't the guy she hoped he was, she will feel comfortable talking to you.  If you give too strong of an opinion, she won't talk to you at all until it's too late.

[Ko-Ko]

I know it probably wasn't such a good idea for my friend Angela to beat him up, but he really deserved it. He got in an argument with her, and asked her how it felt to have a "(random profanity) ******* brother." Her brother has autism. And he wasn't hurt that badly, just a few bruises. And his pride. And I *technically* didn't lie to the principal, since he asked, "Did you witness Angela start a fight with Damien?" Of course she didn't. Damien started it. So wasn't lying, just not telling the truth. And while I'm normally fairly honest, in this case, it was just fine with me.   ANgela's brother is a sweet kid.  

Ko-Ko

[Twik]

Maybe you could tell Damien that if he mistreats Diana, you'll get Angela after him?

[Ko-Ko]

Maybe you could tell Damien that if he mistreats Diana, you'll get Angela after him?

I did do that once already, so perhaps it could work again. 

Ko-Ko

[IndianInlaw]

How old is this slug?

[Ko-Ko]

He's my age, seventeen.

Ko-Ko

[jfulle5]

why is a 17 year old interested in a 14 year old?