What would you do?

[CutebutPsycho]

I have an issue that I would appreciate some different perspectives on.

I should make it clear upfront that lying is about the worst thing I can think of for one friend to do to another.

I have this "friend" who is turning out to be a bit of a liar and I am looking for some suggestions on how to deal. This friend, I will call him Jason *name changed to protect the guilty* is relatively new to my life. I met him in July when he moved into the suite next to mine in a triplex unit way out in the bush. (This is relevant because I don't feel that cutting him out of my life entirely is really an option as we do need to be able to rely on one another in case of emergency.)

A while ago we were having some troubles with our septic system and the landlord needed to come out to see what the damage was. The only access into our crawlspace (where sewage was getting pumped into) is through Jason's bedroom floor, so Jason had to be there for this visit with the landlord. He told me and the landlord - we will call him Wolfgang - that he would be here at 5:30.

Long story short, Jason didn't show up until 6:45. Wolfgang and I had to go into Jason's house, move all of his bedroom furniture, and get into the crawlspace. He had left me a message at 5:40 saying he was still at work and would be "5 minutes late" (hello he was already 15 minutes late) but that he was on his way. The number that showed up on my call display was not his work number. I found out later he had left work in plenty of time, but had gone to the grocery store and then over to our mutual friend's house.

I confronted him and told him that, while I understand that work sometimes gets in the way and makes it impossible to fulfill other obligations, I did not appreciate being lied to. His version of an apology was to make a bunch of excuses (and I quote "I don't have a cushy govy job like you and I can't just up and leave whenever I want to") and never even address the issue of the lie.

So for the last couple of weeks things have been strained between us. We had developed quite a friendship before this, we would hang out and play our guitars until the wee hours of the morning. Anyway, I found out today that he skipped out of swimming (we coach swimming together) because of a concert he wanted to go to. No problem, I understand that completely. But, he told the head coach that he HAD to go because he has friends in town from his hometown. NOT TRUE! He is going with a couple of friends from his work. I know this because he mentioned it to me a few days ago.

Ok... so if you have stuck with me so far, thank you!  My questions are:

What is it with people who feel the need to lie about silly things? Especially to their friends? Doesn't he GET that I am not stupid, I have call display, and our head coach is my best friend, and in a small town such as this you can't get away with lying for long?

What would you do? Would you call him on it? Tell him you just don't want to be friends with someone who seems to feel the need to lie?

Would you try to maintain a friendship just because of living circumstances, or would you try to keep a 'friendly but not friends' atmosphere?

Edited to add: Do you think I am overreacting or oversensitive?

I appreciate any and all input. Sorry this was so long...

[MrsP81]

Next time he wanted to do something on more of a friends level I would let him know that you don't think that this friendship will work. Tell him that the little white lies are not acceptable for you and although you would like to remain on good terms due to your living arrangement, you do not wish to continue the friendship.

[EvilAlice]

That's a tough situation.  I've known people like that who will lie for no reason I can understand- it's not even to make themselves look better, sometimes.  It just seems that anything but the actual truth will suffice.  I think it's a form of mental illness.

It sounds like, in your situation, you don't really want to cut him off completely.  As you said, you're out there in a kind of remote area and it's good to be on good terms with the neighbors.

What would I do?  I would remain friendLY- but never really consider him a friend.  OK he's someone to come home and have a drink with and play guitars with, or to call when you need neighbor-ly assistance.  But I'd keep it an "at home only" friendship and always keep in mind that you can't believe a word he says, or really count on him for anything.

Sadly, people like this don't change, in my experience.  And even if you call them on their lying, they don't stop.  I knew someone who would lie about something as dumb as which discount store she bought a pair of jeans at.  I noticed that after enough repetitions, she seemed to actually believe her lies were the truth.  I was never really comfortable with her.

File him in your mind as "Wacky Neighbor, assigned for Laugh Track Purposes" and never rely on him to be anything else.  Try to live with his antics as best you can, as though you were living in a sitcom or something.

[Chocolate Cake]

Just maintain a casual acquaintanceship with him to keep the peace, but pull back on doing much of anything together (You are always going to be "busy" when he asks) and always take what he says with a grain of salt.

[CutebutPsycho]

MrsP81, EvilAlice, and Chocolate Cake, thank you for your responses.

"File him in your mind as "Wacky Neighbor, assigned for Laugh Track Purposes" and never rely on him to be anything else.  Try to live with his antics as best you can, as though you were living in a sitcom or something." LMAO EvilAlice this is such great advice and funny too! Thanks!

I understand that he will never change, and certainly not just because I have a distaste for his lies. On one hand, his lies are minor and about really stupid things. On the other hand, lies are a dealbreaker for me. If he and I were d@ting, this would most certainly be a fireable offense! As such, I feel that I need to limit our contact to a 'need only' basis.

EvilAlice, your suggestion was to just keep it to an "at home" friendship if anything. I certainly appreciate the suggestion and the sentiment, but I fear it just won't work that way. The trouble is, we did EVERYTHING together until about two weeks ago when he started this lying jag. But it was almost always at home - we live so far from town that it was just easy for us to hang out aLOT.

I don't worry about myself, I can handle living out there without being close to my neighbour, as long as we are able to maintain a civil rel@tionship I will be fine. I moved out here because of the seclusion... in fact until about a month after he moved in I didn't even have a phone or internet. And I thrived! He is another story, and much needier unfortunately. (for him)

I think the hardest part for me is going to be saying 'no' whenever he comes over the borrow something/ask a favor/need a friend to lean on. I do agree with all of you that the best idea is to seriously limit the time we spend together. I guess I am just realizing that it is going to be a difficult task. At one point, as I have said, we had a great friendship - but I feel that I can't trust him now and that means no more friendship.

I recognize that I have a problem saying no when somebody needs me for anything. This is my issue, and I have been working on standing up for myself and not putting myself in situations I don't want to be in.

For those that are still following this thread... do you think I owe him an explanation for why I am suddenly unavailable any time he wants/needs something from me? Can you offer suggestions of polite ways to turn him away?

Just maintain a casual acquaintanceship with him to keep the peace, but pull back on doing much of anything together (You are always going to be "busy" when he asks) and always take what he says with a grain of salt. AGREED! I think I might feel like I was sinking to his level if I say I'm "busy" though. I suppose that it really doesn't matter what I am busy doing, does it? "Sorry no I can't watch your dog next week, I am going to be busy not watching your dog." 

[Chartreuse]

AGREED! I think I might feel like I was sinking to his level if I say I'm "busy" though. I suppose that it really doesn't matter what I am busy doing, does it? "Sorry no I can't watch your dog next week, I am going to be busy not watching your dog." 

Exactly.  "I'm busy" could translate to "I'm busy taking a nice long bath", "I'm busy giving myself a pedicure", "I'm busy watching a movie", or even "I'm busy vegetating".  All of those things are a perfectly valid reason to be "busy".  You don't have to answer to him as to what exactly you're busy doing, it's all about your priorities.  As he's not made you a priority, there's no reason why you should feel obligated to make him a priority.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Fireweed, it sounds like you are a bit hurt by his actions, and I am sorry he turned out to be this way.  I have to say, though, that I used to know someone that was this way.  She was called on her behavior directly, and she made an effort to stop (many times she didnt even realize she was doing it) - but it doesnt sound like this is the situation with your friend.

This will be great practice in saying 'no' for you - I would say limit yourself to things that dont matter if he lies to you. If he needs to borrow a cup of sugar and promises to send some to you when he gets some - I wouldnt even expect it back.  But if he says he will be there to pick you up at X time, I would find another friend to rely on. 

As for lies he tells others that you know the truth about? I wouldnt even comment on things that dont directly involve you - it only gets messy, even if you have the best of intentions. 

I dont think you owe him an explanation at all for the reduced amount of time spent together.  If he asks for one, MrsP81 (mrs peyton, is it?) put it very directly but friendly.  It may or may not be the wake up call he needs to stop the behavior, but you will keep your circle of friends healthier and your life less stressed with him not as much a part of it. 

I hope it works out for you.

[CutebutPsycho]

Thanks, Chartreuse and Rdge for the suggestions and support.

Chartreuse - I agree with you absolutely! After giving it some thought, I am ready to do exactly this - be "busy" any time he needs me. I am also going to start locking the door so that he can't do the rapid knock and stick his head in the door. He will have to wait for me to get up, answer the door (or not, though this could prove more difficult considering my entire dwelling is visible from the front door) and tell him I'm busy. Until now, I never have locked my door because we are way out in the sticks - nobody can get to my door without me seeing them driving down the mile long driveway - and because he and I were friends and I didn't mind his having access. I didn't mind him just popping his head in the door, it saved me having to get up! 

Strange that I have to bolster myself to get ready to stand up for my own time and efforts. As I mentioned, something I need to work on.

Rdge - Thank you for your sympathy and for the note that there may be hope for him to reform. I won't hold my breath, but I won't count it as impossible either. You are right that I am hurt by his lying. In my world and circle of friends, friends give each other credit for being able to handle the truth and also credit for being smart enough to know when they are being lied to. I feel insulted and mistreated by Jason.

That is great advice about not getting involved with the lies that have nothing to do with me. I wouldn't have really thought of it that way to be honest but I agree with what you have said here. Also very true about good practice for me saying 'no'! You may be wondering why this guy is over at my house SO much or why I am thinking it will be hard to always turn him away. We actually share a wall between our suites... we live |><| this close to each other and then the next nearest neighbour is something like 8-10 miles away. Not that far but when you need a 'handy dogsitter' or cup of sugar it's far too easy. The picture attached shows our place... my door is on the left (it is open... to the left of the fireweed) and his is in the middle. 



Oh yes and MrsP81 did have a great suggestion and I think I will use that. If he needs more of an explanation I will just say 'you and I have different moral standards, which is fine. But this is why I don't want to play with you anymore.'

[CreteGirl]

What a pretty place you live in!  What area is it?  I can understand why you feel the need to work this out with him, given your rural setting.

[CutebutPsycho]

Hi CreteGirl! I live in northern Canada. I definitely need to work this out - moving at this time is NOT an option! lol