'I'm Sorry, But I Can't Control My Temper'

[NEDESAPIO]

What's your opinion of a person who says something along the lines of this:  "I'm sorry I was rude to you, but I'm under a lot of stress today?"

I ask because yesterday I was browsing in a certain discount store and overheard a woman (the manager, I presume) loudly berating a young female employee; it sounded like everything this girl did was wrong.  Then I heard the woman "apologize" by saying something like, "I know you're trying to help, I'm just very stressed out today."  As far as I remember, she didn't actually say, "I'm sorry."  I then heard her become annoyed a few more times while obviously trying to be nicer to the girl.

Now, I don't know this woman, or what had happened to "stress her out" so.  Certainly it wasn't the atmosphere of the store itself that was stressful:  I was the only shopper there at the time, and all was quiet with no loud, annoying music playing.  My real question is, do you think it's polite to say what this woman did?  Or are non-apology apologies a pet peeve of yours?  I personally can't stand "I'm sorry, but..."

To my mind, this isn't so much offering up an excuse as trying to explain your behavior.  But why do people feel they have to explain?  In my opnion, a simple "I'm sorry" -- nothing more, nothing less -- is the only polite thing to say.

It seems that all of us will become annoyed but that the polite person doesn't allow annoyance to affect how she/ he behaves toward others.  And if one does speak harshly one apologizes, with no excuses or attempts to justify oneself.

[Chartreuse]

If they really were sorry, and really did give a hoot about their behavior, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.  It's a non-apology and a lame explanation, trying to excuse their own bad behavior instead of monitoring it in the first place.

I hate non-apology apologies.

[Sharnita]

In college I had a roomie who was a crier. She cried when she was happy. She cried when she was sad. She cried when she was: angry, irritated,tired, stressed, embarrassed...

Whenever we would disagree about anything - she would cry. This made me look and feel like the "bad guy". She knew I had had friends and neighbors scold me because I "made her cry". She told me that's just what she does. Never told any of the people "defending" her that she cried all the time. I ended up looking like a beast for making her cry and, if I tried to explain, an even bigger monster for complaining that she cried.

One of her "defenders" became her roomia the following year and came to apologize for assuming I had always been at fault.

[FoxPaws]

The thing that makes the manager's apology insincere is that she kept reverting to the same behavior.

I think it's okay to explain yourself, especially to someone that doesn't know you well, but then whatever actions you're apologizing for need to stop. It's an explaination, not an all access pass.

(All "you" variations general, of course .)

[ShadesOfGrey]

To my mind, this isn't so much offering up an excuse as trying to explain your behavior.  But why do people feel they have to explain?  In my opnion, a simple "I'm sorry" -- nothing more, nothing less -- is the only polite thing to say.

ITA with your post - I do understand though, that people get stressed/annoyed, and yes they take it out on others sometimes, so it does happen.  

There's no such thing as an apology with the word "but" in it....

IMO, "I am sorry, I am stressed today, and taking it out on you when I shouldnt be. Now, what were you saying?" is a WORLD of difference from "I'm sorry, but I am under a lot of pressure from XXX, I know you are trying to help."  If you know the person is just trying to help, then put aside your own aggravation and move on....

It really comes down to the difference between explaining and excusing, and I feel like the word 'but' moves it over to the excusing category.  

I have made it a point to say 'I'm sorry." and nothing else, (unless it's more like the first example above) because I believe that an apology should be just that - an apology, not mitigated with anything other than the heartfelt and sincere sentiment of regret.  I feel the same way about compliments.  

[caranfin]

It's a classic non-apology. "I may have been rude, but it wasn't my fault." To make it right, she should have said something like "I'm sorry, I was under a lot of stress today, but I had no right to take it out on you. That was wrong, and I apologize."

[Bijou]

What's your opinion of a person who says something along the lines of this:  "I'm sorry I was rude to you, but I'm under a lot of stress today?"

I ask because yesterday I was browsing in a certain discount store and overheard a woman (the manager, I presume) loudly berating a young female employee; it sounded like everything this girl did was wrong.  Then I heard the woman "apologize" by saying something like, "I know you're trying to help, I'm just very stressed out today."  As far as I remember, she didn't actually say, "I'm sorry."  I then heard her become annoyed a few more times while obviously trying to be nicer to the girl.

Now, I don't know this woman, or what had happened to "stress her out" so.  Certainly it wasn't the atmosphere of the store itself that was stressful:  I was the only shopper there at the time, and all was quiet with no loud, annoying music playing.  My real question is, do you think it's polite to say what this woman did?  Or are non-apology apologies a pet peeve of yours?  I personally can't stand "I'm sorry, but..."

To my mind, this isn't so much offering up an excuse as trying to explain your behavior.  But why do people feel they have to explain?  In my opnion, a simple "I'm sorry" -- nothing more, nothing less -- is the only polite thing to say.

It seems that all of us will become annoyed but that the polite person doesn't allow annoyance to affect how she/ he behaves toward others.  And if one does speak harshly one apologizes, with no excuses or attempts to justify oneself.

To me the worst part of it is that this boss took a subordinate to task in the presence of others, be it customers, other employees or anyone else.  You just don't do this sort of thing.  Seems to me the employee has grounds for a complaint against this woman for airing personnel issues publicly.

[CutebutPsycho]

I agree that non-apologies are hazardous to one's health!

My neighbour laid an extreme non-apology on me a couple of weeks ago. Not only was it a non-apology, it placed the blame on ME for his lack of consideration.

Some people just don't understand! This is actually why I started the "Apology Etiquette" thread - I thought I was the only one who felt this way!

[nobby]

I hate non apologies.

I explain why I'm in a temper to my Dh as otherwise he'll think it's about him.


But I usually do it this way.  "I'm being horrible, I'm sorry, you don't deserve it.  It has nothing to do with you and I'm just grouchy because, no real reason but it's not you're fault.  I'm going to go be cranky at the wall."

Then i go and am cranky at the wall for awhile (or the computer or other inanimate object) and DH ignores me.