You have a choice

[MerryRaven]

I am putting this in "Coffee Break" because it is not really etiquette related and there have been a few threads on phrases that bother you or advice etiquette and I think I would probably just make some of you mad at me if I spoke to you about advice IRL.

I really believe that people for the most part choose their situations.  I realize that fate, luck and terrible accidents take choices out of our hands.  Aside from these things I just don't understand why some people put up with stuff.

Your roommate doesn't clean up after themself?  Tell them what you expect from them.  If they don't do it get another roommate.  People tell me it isn't that easy, well yes it is.  It might not be comfortable but it is just that easy.

Your mother in law is rude to you?  Why not just tell her she is being rude and you won't tolerate it any more.  I mean really, what is she going to do?  Dis-invite you from family gatherings?  Good.  Then you won't have to put up with it.  If you choose to say nothing then you are choosing to stay in the stituation.

You hate your job.  Well look around for another one.  I once told my DH that I was looking for another job but whether I found one or not I would be leaving my current job in six months.  And I did find another job.  But life is too short in my opinion to do stuff you do not actually like to do. 

You can either accept situations or change them.  Those are the only choices. 

Any way when I say get over it or get real that is what I mean.  And when I would rather not do something I just say "I don't think so." and move on.

And yes I do have friends and family that seem to like me.

[taralee]

You've just explained my own life's philosophy. Life is not static -- you don't make one decision and stick with it for the rest of your life. If you're not happy with the way things are going, then you can always make new choices, and forge a new path. I have no patience with people that sit there and whine about how badly things are going in their life. Everyone needs to vent every now and then, but pick yourself up, figure out what to do differently, and make a change.

[sillysquirrel]

*applaud*

I take no pity when people bring misery upon themselves.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I thought I had a pretty unpopular philosophy on this site, but apparently there *are* people out there who agree with me.  and  and also 

I am all for compassion, just not for excuse-making people who decide that any alternative solution is too much  to implement (or "can't" be). Well, then, quit complaining about your situation. 

fyi - I used to be one of those people until I realized "X situation is only what you make of it."

Those were the best words ever spoken to me. 

[Alida]

Hoorah!  I'm glad to see that there are others who believe that our lives are in our own hands

[MadMadge43]

Thank you MerryRaven! A hundred times thank you!

Your life is your decision, if you want to be miserable by all means go ahead and be miserable- but stop complaining! Life is all about the choices you make.

There are bad things that get thrown in but then how you react to them is every bit your choice. I once got a ticket for fishing without a licence (threw the cast in 3 times with no bait to see if I could do it). Had a blast with it, even took pictures with the game warden so we'd have them for the family album. When my aunt asked me why I wasn't upset about the ticket, I told her I could be upset and ruin my vacation or make the most of it, either way I was going to pay $120.

My biggest pet peeve are people who tell me how much they hate how fat they are while shoving potato chips in their mouth and not accepting my offer to walk around the block on break with me. And then tell me I have it easy because I'm "naturally" skinny. Nothing natural about it.

[blue2000]

Ok, I guess I'm going to be the voice of dissension here, lol!

I totally agree that people who whine endlessly, but won't talk about solutions, are REALLY annoying. But people who whine endlessly about anything are pretty annoying to start with!

I also agree that some people whine over little things, as if they believe life is supposed to be perfect. It's not.

If they don't do it get another roommate.  People tell me it isn't that easy, well yes it is.

This is the part I don't agree with. I HATED some of my roommates with a passion. But if I refused to live with them, I wouldn't have a place to live. Not much of a solution. So I put up with them while I was there.

I can't stand some of my family, either. But if I refuse to see them, that means I don't see ANY of them. Even the ones I like. That's not much of a solution, either.

I think there is a time and place for "What can we do about this?" and a time for "OK, life sucks right now. What can we do to take our minds off of it?"

[sillysquirrel]

My biggest pet peeve are people who tell me how much they hate how fat they are while shoving potato chips in their mouth and not accepting my offer to walk around the block on break with me. And then tell me I have it easy because I'm "naturally" skinny. Nothing natural about it.

Oh, I hate that!! If your not going to workout than shut-up!

[ShadesOfGrey]

I can't stand some of my family, either. But if I refuse to see them, that means I don't see ANY of them. Even the ones I like. That's not much of a solution, either.

I think there is a time and place for "What can we do about this?" and a time for "OK, life sucks right now. What can we do to take our minds off of it?"

Blue, I totally get your point.  Both of the solutions you posted though, show a pretty positive attitude.  For me, the point is that, for example, if you dont like some of your family, but that means you dont get to see all of them, some people would just be content to stop at "Ok, life sucks right now" and focus on the negative aspects (but not endlessly whine about it either).

It's about the person that says "I dont get to see family members, because some of them are so toxic that I can't stand to be around them."

Rather than saying, "Well, I CHOOSE to not attend family gatherings (for whatever reason), which means that I dont get to see even the family members that I do like, which totally sucks, but it is the solution that I CHOOSE, so I live with the positive and negative consequences of that decision."

(and then if they can, they find another way to stay in contact, and if they cant find one, they just accept the reality of the situation).  It doesnt mean that the solution is a good one or that you can't be sad about it, I just think that acceptance of the positive and negative aspects of any decison is key. 

Make sense?

[Irish Clovers]

CRUD MONKEYS!, I so agree with you.  Thanks for posting this.   

[Evil Duckie]

MerryRaven you stated it well.

While we can't control fate, how we deal with it is up to us.

[MerryRaven]

This is the part I don't agree with. I HATED some of my roommates with a passion. But if I refused to live with them, I wouldn't have a place to live. Not much of a solution. So I put up with them while I was there.

Ultimate bad roommate.  I was married to him.  It took me a year and a half to get out of the situation.  I am not saying you can necessarily just up and leave a bad roommate or bad family member.  I think you have to make a goal to work toward getting out of a situation. 

It is true you have to pay rent so you just can't quit a bad job, but you can make a goal to find another and redo your resume, start making contacts, answering ads etc.  In other words take positive steps to improve the situation.   

It is not just attitude.  It is action.

[nobby]

What was it you told me when I was younger?  If you offer someone three very possible solutions to their problem and they say "Oh but I can't do that because...." especially if the because was lame.


Dh and I were unhappy living with his in laws and nothing was happening because we'd been waiting on my job.  So we moved.


I don't have many things in my life that I consider to be problems.  And those that are there, I tend to consider as choices.

I'm living in a way to small flat.

I want to move.


I have decided that I can wait until a better time.


My choice.

[blue2000]

This is the part I don't agree with. I HATED some of my roommates with a passion. But if I refused to live with them, I wouldn't have a place to live. Not much of a solution. So I put up with them while I was there.

Ultimate bad roommate.  I was married to him.  It took me a year and a half to get out of the situation.  I am not saying you can necessarily just up and leave a bad roommate or bad family member.  I think you have to make a goal to work toward getting out of a situation. 

It is true you have to pay rent so you just can't quit a bad job, but you can make a goal to find another and redo your resume, start making contacts, answering ads etc.  In other words take positive steps to improve the situation.  

It is not just attitude.  It is action.

Very true. People who hate where they are, but don't want to take even the most basic steps to get out tend to be frustrating to listen to.

I just think sometimes there isn't a solution. There isn't anything to work towards. You just have to deal with it as it is now, and hope time will change things a little. And sometimes that's the reason people vent about it, because they are frustrated with not being able to do anything.

I have problems like that in my life. And I don't tend to say anything (even here on the board) about those particular things because people do tend to want to fix it. Or to know what I am doing to fix it. Or get mad at me because I'm NOT doing anything.

It's my personal philosophy that if I can't find a solution, then I don't focus on it. I don't make a lot of plans or goals, or spend a lot of time thinking. I try to focus on the good stuff.
If a solution comes up, that's good. If it doesn't, then I haven't wasted all that time thinking about my problems.

And now I have "Que sera sera" running through my head. Thanks a lot, guys. That's really going to help - NOT.

[Mrs. Eclipse]

People tell me it isn't that easy, well yes it is.  It might not be comfortable but it is just that easy.

I don't understand this sentence.  Can you help me with it?
You say that it IS that easy when people say it isn't, and in the next sentence you say that it might not be comfortable.  How can it be both easy and very uncomfortable?

I also believe that nothing is perfect- even the best situations will have something we can't stand.  Always will.  Can't change it.  Like for me on the Disney College Program-- free admission to Disney World whenever I want it.  Tradeoff- rotten roommates.  I can take the solution to move to a random room which was offered. I didn't take it because, for all I knew, I'd end up somewhere ten times worse.  I can quit the program.  I didn't do that because this theme park is one of the most important things in the world to me (Under family, friends, education, and all that.  I'm not that far gone)

So, really, no matter what I did, no matter what I do, something will be wrong.  You learn to deal with it.  You learn to live with it.  You learn to ignore it.  You vent to your close friends ever now and again, in exchange for letting them do the same.

But it is IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of all of your problems.

Oh, but I don't' think there is ever any excuse for excessive whining.  I can't stand whining.