Hair on Fire II

[Chocolate Cake]

I thought that this "catch phrase" was deserving of it's own thread.  I hope you agree.

If you want to see me go ballastic, simply tell me that "No one can hurt your feelings without your permission."

This has got to be the most useless, assinine, and damaging phrase I've ever heard.  When a person is  emotionally close to another or if a person is dependent on someone else in some way
(such employer-employee relationship), what those people say and do will naturally cause a reaction. 

Even passing comments from strangers can cause us to be hurt or angry.  Some people just know how to push the right buttons even if they don't know you.   

We are not robots.  We feel, whether we like it or not.  That's why I find this particular phrase to be so maddening.

Discussion?

[Lisbeth]

I agree with you.  It's totally dismissive of real-life people and situations and lets offenders off the hook with impunity.

It ought to be dropped from every human language forever.

[RoseRose]

I agree as well.  I've been told that when I've been told something dismissive and hurtful, that I only feel bad because I LET them make me feel bad... Well, I'm sorry, my father saying something dissmissive IS going to have an effect.

The phrase (not the thread!) makes me so angry.  I'm going to get a root beer (since I don't like coke!) before saying anything else.

[Cyndi]

I agree. It's especially hard to let comments roll of your back if you've been bullied about that thing so much that just when you think you can handle it, someone shoves you back to square one.

I think an equally nasty thing to say is AFTER saying that, after giving a long lecture that makes you feel smaller than an atom, they say "I'm only saying this to BUILD YOU UP. I'm not trying to make you feel bad."

[caranfin]

Oh, yes, it's ridiculous. People feel the way they feel - it's not like you can control it, and decide not to be hurt. If that were possible, wouldn't we all do it, all the time, and then no one would ever have their feelings hurt?

It reminds me very much of one of my mother's pet sayings: "Just don't let it bother you," which she always used when I complained that my sister turned the stereo LOUDER when I asked her to turn it down, or some such pettiness. HUH? You mean I can just stop things from bothering me? Boy, if I had the power to do that! Haven't eaten in 2 days? Just don't let it bother you! Leg run over by someone in a Hummer? Just don't let it bother you! Dislocated shoulder? Just don't let it bother you!

[CutebutPsycho]

I agree that the phrase is dismissive and minimizes the damage that can be done by offhand remarks or actions.

Out of curiosity, Chocolate Cake, do you feel the same way about "nobody can take advantage of you without your permission?" I ask because in my opinion, this variation is much more acceptable. But only if it is someone who cares about me that says it!

[NEDESAPIO]

A similar phrase I can't stand is "Don't take it personally," said after someone criticizes something you did.  I have never been able to follow this "advice."

Edited to add:  And if, as an ancient philosopher said, one's character is the sum total of one's actions, I don't see "Don't take it personally" as practical advice.

[Suze]

"nobody can take advantage of you without your permission?"

Saying NO can be hard for some people -- (Helium hands unite) therefore the "taking advantage of you"  line

But Hurt your feelings without your permission?  I have never heard that variation before.  A person who wants to hurt you will do it with or without your "permission" 

He WANTS to hurt you or he wouldn't be doing or saying what he just did.

[DottyG]

I have never heard that variation before.

I bet you have.  Just in a different form.  It's "sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

But, they do.  Big time.

[CutebutPsycho]

Saying NO can be hard for some people -- (Helium hands unite) therefore the "taking advantage of you"  line

Oh yes I agree absolutely! I have a very hard time to say no to a person who needs/wants me for something. But I do still recognize that it is MY responsibility to 'just say no'. Just askin' 

[Lunadiana75]

Along those lines "I'm sorry you took that wrong" and "I'm sorry you feel that way".  Everytime, every last bloody time those words have ever been said to me, it was by someone who was being passive aggressive.  Those words mean "I can be a big huge jerk and if you get hurt by it, it's your fault". 

Yes, I have heard people defend those two phrases, yet I have never, not once, ever heard them used in anyway that wasn't manipulative and as an excuse to get out of responsibility for your actions.

I hate those expressions. 

[Emmy]

I thought that this "catch phrase" was deserving of it's own thread.  I hope you agree.

If you want to see me go ballastic, simply tell me that "No one can hurt your feelings without your permission."

This has got to be the most useless, assinine, and damaging phrase I've ever heard.  When a person is  emotionally close to another or if a person is dependent on someone else in some way
(such employer-employee relationship), what those people say and do will naturally cause a reaction. 

Even passing comments from strangers can cause us to be hurt or angry.  Some people just know how to push the right buttons even if they don't know you.   

We are not robots.  We feel, whether we like it or not.  That's why I find this particular phrase to be so maddening.

Discussion?

I 100% agree with you.  That burns me up.  The version I heard is 'nobody can make you feel anything, you choose to feel that way'.  I'm sorry, I don't choose to feel that way, I can't help but to feel that way.  When I hear a phrase along these lines, I find it insulting because it sounds like I'm the one at fault for being hurt or angry when somebody else says or does something hurtful.  I imagine some people use that as a pass to continue being insensitive, insulting, and rude to other people because in their minds people 'choose how they feel'.  

[minnaloushe]

I've never heard "No one can hurt your feelings", just "no one can take advantage". I'd consider it a type of malapropism, and also a "consider the source" type of thing. But I understand the sentiment.  Obviously people use words as weapons all the time, some cut deep and fast, some are like the thousand little nics that make you bleed to death.

 If the person doing the insulting is making the comment, then, yes, not only are they insulting but they enjoy it.  If someone else says it in response to my complaint, I would question why I go to that person for support.

[Suze]

I have never heard that variation before.

I bet you have.  Just in a different form.  It's "sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

But, they do.  Big time.

Ahh -- The "Grown - Up" version of sticks and stones.

and you are right words CAN hurt big time.  I was never one of popular kids in school (both too smart and too dumb for my own good, if that can make any sense)

So yeah - I know all about "hurting words"

[Suze]

I 100% agree with you.  That burns me up.  The version I heard is 'nobody can make you feel anything, you choose to feel that way'.  I'm sorry, I don't choose to feel that way, I can't help but to feel that way.  

Yes - let's hit someone up side the head and tell them that they CHOOSE to feel pain. and they can "just get over it and get on with it"

Words can be a knife in the heart